Tramp's Riverbank

New Posts

2009-05-29T08:55:00.002-04:00

All of the new posts, are currently being placed on the new site. You may go there to read them.

http://www.tramp55555.wordpress.com/

Fireworks

2008-07-06T01:37:00.000-04:00

The wife and I this evening went to Toronto (Ohio) on the Harley for the fireworks show. And what a show it was. They run the show for about twenty five minutes, but during that time they shoot off five or six rounds each second. That is not a typo, five or six per second!

The finale is only a couple of minutes long, but it involves one thousand rounds in and of itself. As spectacular as that sounds, it looks even more so. It lit up the entire river.

On the way back home, we stopped by Bobby's place. Bobby and I ripped some music, and the wives plotted against us. Or so we believe. But a great time was had by all.

We are home now and it's time for bed. And maybe some more fireworks!

Virtual Fireworks

2008-07-04T00:41:00.001-04:00

http://www.fireworks.com/interactive/fireworks_show/default.asp

Quote

2008-07-04T00:38:00.000-04:00

"We all have our time machines.
Some take us back, they're called memories.
Some take us forward, they're called dreams."
--Jeremy Irons

The Fourth

2008-07-03T01:20:00.000-04:00

Here is a wish for a safe and happy Independence Day celebration to everyone out there from the entire crew at the Riverbank.

Happy Fourth of July!

Here are two things to think about this holiday weekend.

First, the Fourth of July celebrates our independence from England after we defeated them in the Revolutionary war. So let me ask you this.

Does England have a Fourth of July?
?
?
?
?
?

The answer is yes.
.
It comes between July 3 and July 5.
.
.
Second, our Revolution was because of taxation. And for about a hundred and fifty years we were not taxed in any way.
.
So what the Hell happened?

Sex Survey

2008-07-02T20:41:00.000-04:00

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~~~

According to a new survey about sex, 51 percent of people
said they would consider having sex for money if the amount
offered was large enough.

The average woman said the amount would have to be at least
$35,000.

The average man, on the other hand, said, "How much change
do you have on you?"

The Hazards Of Speaking English

2008-07-02T19:47:00.000-04:00

From Alrad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans do.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans do.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans do.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans do.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans do.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills us, but the government is trying to correct the problem.

Quote

2008-07-02T00:26:00.000-04:00

"Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people so
ugly you wouldn't want to touch them in the first place?"
-- George Carlin

Rest In Peace, George.

The Wooden Bowl

2008-07-02T00:17:00.000-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.

The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.

When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
"We must do something about father," said the son.
"I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded,

"Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.

Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.

Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,

neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.

You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you

But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

All You Need To Know About Investing

2008-06-27T03:07:00.006-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

Three Grandmas

2008-06-26T03:35:00.000-04:00

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles,the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 3 old ladies happily yelled in unison--

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

The Best Quiz Ever

2008-06-23T01:29:00.001-04:00

Yes it is!

Quote

2008-06-23T00:22:00.002-04:00

Dear God,

Did You really mean

"do unto others as they do unto you"?

Because if You did,

then I'm going to fix my brother!

-Darla, Age 8

Kid Volt

2008-06-22T02:55:00.002-04:00

Geno gave me a new nickname tonight. That’s it, up there. And there is a story to it.
Also, OUCH !!!!!

.
Tonight we had a pretty good thunderstorm. The National Weather Service warned us to watch out for large hail, damaging winds, and frequent lightning. I was on my bike, but made it home just before the storm.
I went down in my basement (the Dungeon) and was working on the Riverbank site. Bobby called me and told me that the storm was here. I said I wanted to see it. So I walked out onto my patio. I don’t remember everything after that, but Bobby said he heard me screaming.
I had taken about three steps out my door when a bolt of lightning hit me. It hit me on my left thumb, where I was holding my cell phone. It burned a hole in my thumb, traveled up my arm, across my shoulders, and blew a hole in my right forearm where it exited my body. My cell phone melted.
I think I was in shock at that point. It hurt a lot. And it was tremendously bright. But it was silent to me. Bobby said he heard the thunderous boom, but I heard nothing. I think the enormous voltage shut down my hearing.
I would recommend to anyone that they skip this experience if possible. It really hurts. I have a V shaped burn on my left thumb and two holes there, plus a hole in my right forearm, from the lightning’s departure. My joints and my chest hurt quite a bit, even though it happened over six hours ago. I remember wondering why I was getting shocked, and how long it seemed to go on, even though it was probably over in about a tenth of a second.
But I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. Man, does it hurt! I’m glad it didn’t kill me, that would have sucked.
And my melted cell phone still works!

New Geno Facts Exposed!

2008-06-22T01:28:00.005-04:00

Geno was born standing up and talking back. When the doctor said to his Mom, “Congratulations, it’s a boy”, Geno slapped the doctor and said, “Don't call me boy!”

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to Geno.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Geno can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Geno is the only person who can slam a revolving door.

Geno is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Geno does not swim. This is because when Geno enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Geno simply walks across the pool floor.

Geno built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Helen Keller's favorite color was Geno.

Geno eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Geno would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

The Sherman tank was originally called the Geno tank until Geno decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Geno, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been bad-ass enough to be named after Geno.

Geno does not "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Geno was cold, so he turned the sun up.

It's widely believed that Jesus was Geno's stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Geno's skin.

Geno did, in fact, build Rome in a day.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Geno. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Geno.

Geno once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Contrary to popular belief, Geno doesn't play God. Playing is for children.

Geno is the only person in the world who can actually email a middle finger.

Geno can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids play 'Kick the Can'. Geno played 'Kick the Tanker'.

When Geno was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him twelve year old whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Geno can actually knock you into yesterday.

Geno invented a language that incorporates punches and kicks. So next time Geno is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Fear is not the only emotion Geno can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get my ass kicked by Geno."

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Geno finds it delicious.

Geno wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

The Bible was originally titled "Geno and Friends"

Geno can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Nagasaki never had an Atomic Bomb dropped on it. Geno jumped out of a plane, hit the ground and punched it.

Warren Zevon

2008-06-21T13:51:00.003-04:00

Warren Zevon was a great artist. I love his music. Everyone knows 'Werewolves of London', 'Excitable Boy', and 'Lawyers Guns and Money'. But did you know that he wrote 'Poor Poor Pitiful Me'? And I think his recorded version of it is better than Linda Ronstadt's. 'Splendid Isolation' is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. And 'Mr. Bad Example' is downright funny. Here is a line from that song.
.

"I'm very well acquainted with the Seven Deadly Sins,

I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in."
.

The reason I bring him up is because there is currently a petition being circulated to induct him into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I can't believe he isn't in it already. The people in Cleveland must be slow!
.
If you are like me, sign this petition. It's an online petition, and I've mentioned before that online petitions are not valid because a real petition has to be signed. Well, they got around that by including an app that allows you to sign it right on your computer. See it HERE.
.
Warren is in Heaven now, but he also belongs in the Rock Hall. More so than many who are there.
.
Thanks for the great music Warren, and say hi to God for me.

He took you for your music, you know?

Speed Freak

2008-06-21T06:20:00.003-04:00

I love to go fast. Always have, and always will.
.
Some people don’t however. And that’s okay with me, I use it to my advantage.
.
For example, I had a certain individual ask me for a ride on my bike the other day. This was a person I’d rather not take along with me when I’m riding my scoot. And I knew he didn’t like to go fast.
.
So off we went, holding a steady ninety on the Harley’s clock. We arrived at our destination, which was Stewie’s place, and this person bitched about my high-speed ride. I responded with, “You shouldn’t have got on if you didn’t want to go fast!”
.
When it was time to leave, he made me promise not to go ninety on the way back. I gave him my vow, and I am not a liar. True to my word, we did not go ninety. We went a hundred. ..
Hey, a hundred ain’t ninety. Besides, when I ride with Geno, we cruise at a buck fifteen. That’s how Geno rides, and it doesn’t bother me. I like it. A lot. And I always will.
.
In my defense, I was racing motorcycles at the Pro level when I was twelve years old. When I turned sixteen, my first car was a five hundred horsepower Z28 Camaro (which I still have).
.
Going fast is in my upbringing, and I do it well. I have never been killed (this I can prove), nor have I killed anyone else.
.
I just absolutely and completely love speed. I believe the words used by Molly Hatchet in their song, ‘Flirting With Disaster’ are accurate, where they said, “I’ve got the pedal to the floor, my life is running faster”.
.
The fastest I’ve gone on a bike was a buck thirty one. In my car, one fifty five. And the fastest I’ve ever gone was seven hundred and fifty miles per hour (that was in a jet chartered by the U.S. Navy).
.
Still, I want to go faster.
.
And I already know that no matter how fast I go, it won’t be enough. I’ll always need more.
.
I love to go fast.
.
.

The Rulebook

2008-06-21T02:49:00.003-04:00

From Geno.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.
The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Speling Is Impartent!

2008-06-21T02:44:00.002-04:00

From Alrad.

~~~~~~~~~~~

This is weird, but interesting!
.
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Job Offer

2008-06-20T02:41:00.002-04:00

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Worcester, MA, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files and replies, "Oh yes, here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist' s examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Providence RI. That's about 100 miles from here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

Websites

2008-06-20T01:20:00.002-04:00

The Love Calculator

Who Would Buy That?

Good Stuff? - A Behind-the-Scenes Guide to the Things We Buy

Whats That Stuff?

Epigrammies - "It is ironic that irony hardly ever involves iron."

Redneck Logic

2008-06-20T01:11:00.000-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two rednecks, Billy Bob and Willie, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Billy Bob turns to Willie and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Willy thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Billy Bob goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Billy Bob says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done yet,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.'
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'Excited to take the class now, Billy Bob shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Willie at the bar. He tells Willie about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Willie says, 'What's that?'
Billy Bob says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.'

It's A Fact

2008-06-20T01:00:00.001-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INTERESTING OBSERVATION?

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

The Wine Bra

2008-06-20T00:26:00.002-04:00

Yep!
.
And a real beer belly, too!
.
From Bob Basler, oddly enough!
.
I don't know where he keeps finding this stuff.

Misunderstanding

2008-06-20T00:22:00.001-04:00

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.
.
A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.
.
The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."
.
The big guy punches him in the mouth.

Tech Talk

2008-06-20T00:17:00.002-04:00

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:

ID10T

Quote

2008-06-19T22:32:00.000-04:00

"Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them."

--Denis Leary

It's Illegal To Eat What In Denmark?

2008-06-17T00:32:00.001-04:00

Facebook deletes profiles of cat eaters
ARHUS, Denmark (UPI) -- A group of Arhus, Denmark, journalism students said their Facebook accounts were deleted after they posted pictures of themselves eating a cat. The Danish School of Journalism students said their accounts were closed by administrators of the popular social networking Web site after they uploaded the photos, The Copenhagen Post reported Wednesday. The students said the cat cooked and eaten as a means of drawing attention to the plight of pigs, cows and other animals used primarily for food. "We wanted people to think about what it was they were putting in their mouths," said Laura Boge Mortensen, one of the students involved. "It's hypocritical for us to spend thousands of kroner on our pets, yet buy the cheapest pork from Netto that comes from pigs that have lived a horrid life. And just why is it that it's worse to eat a cat than a pig?" The students said the cat was killed humanely and prepared by a professional chef. "We had to count to three before we sat down to eat, and I wouldn't really say that we stuffed our face," Mortensen said. "Everyone did take a bite though."

Olde Log Inn

2008-06-16T23:56:00.001-04:00

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends had agreed to meet at a resort for a weekend of fishing. The first arrived on Friday evening, as scheduled, but his fishing buddy never showed up.
.
Finally about lunch-time the next day, the tardy fisherman arrived beaten and bandaged.
When asked what the hell had happened, the wounded man replied, "The last thing I remember is stopping at the highway rest stop and spotting a parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat, so I stuck my head through the window and asked, 'Hey, just how far is The Olde Log Inn?'"

Quote

2008-06-16T23:45:00.004-04:00

"I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again."

-- Anonymous, Of Course

From Irene.

Quote

2008-06-16T23:40:00.000-04:00

"I rely on my personality for birth control."

-- Every Attorney There Ever Was

Can Anyone Tell Me What This Means?

2008-06-16T23:17:00.001-04:00

If you're a Motorhead from the 70's, you'll know.

"I run a mouse, not a rat"

Stewie's Bonfire

2008-06-16T22:41:00.002-04:00

This guy knows how to build a bonfire!

His secret is to use mattresses.

*************

Saturday Night

2008-06-15T02:26:00.003-04:00

Tonight we had to flip over a Winnebago motor home that Stewart is scrapping out. Stewie wanted to use a tractor. Geno thought it would be better to use dynamite. I agreed with Geno and we settled on six sticks.

Geno thought it would be nice if he were to jump his motorcycle through it as it blew up. Well, I figured if one bike jumping through it is nice, two would be better.

.
So Geno was instructing me to keep the front wheel up and hit it with the back wheel. And then the Naysayers started their shit. So we were barred from our fun.

.
It’s probably for the best. Geno would have been fine, but I don’t know about me. I’m no Geno!

Be Careful What You Bitch About

2008-06-14T19:17:00.002-04:00

I stopped for gas today on the scoot. I'm not bitching about that, everyone else has it covered. But the guy in front of me at the counter was. As he bitched at the girl working the counter about the four dollar gas price, I noticed he had a bottle of water. This was a 20 oz. bottle of alleged 'Spring Water' with a price of a buck seventy nine.

I mentioned to him that he was in no position to complain about four buck a gallon gas if he was willing to pay over eleven bucks per gallon of water.

He thought about that. Then he shut the Hell up.

Pay good 'tension now

2008-06-14T14:13:00.001-04:00

From Bobby.

~~~~~~~~

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."
As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid."

Quaker

2008-06-14T14:08:00.003-04:00

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~~

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South.
One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items. This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself.
"Are you a real Quaker?" he asked as he was ringing up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his mer-chandise to be tallied up.
"Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy.
The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.
The man said, "Fuck Thee."

"I’ll show you a brain scan of my dream if you’ll show me one of yours."

2008-06-13T01:02:00.002-04:00

Bob Basler, of Oddly Enough, sent me this note;

.
"I may never in my lifetime top these photographs."

I had to check it out.

You should too. Here.

Bob continues to amaze me. Thanks again Bob, keep up the great work!

Lease Vs Own

2008-06-13T00:40:00.003-04:00

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Rent vs. Buy…

.
I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
.
Assuming they made love every night during their 5-year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.
.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour.
.
Crazy, right?
.
But...
.
Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+ million).
.
Value-added benefits include:
.
- a 22 year old hot babe,
- no begging,
- no coaxing,
- never a headache,
- wide open menu,
- ability to put BOTH legs around you,
- no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists.
.
Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round.
.
All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
.
Is it just me, or does it seem better to rent than to buy?

He Did What?

2008-06-11T23:28:00.002-04:00

Here is a typical everyday news story.
.
This guy was in an outhouse...
'
in the holding tank...
.
and naked.
.
?????
.
Yeah, I'm sure he had his reasons.
.

And no, I don't want to know what they were.
.
**********
.

Pa. crews rescue nude man stuck in portable potty
LEBANON, Pa. (AP) - Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty. Authorities say the 31-year-old man used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from inside a portable toilet.
Police say the man had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank.
Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller told WPMT-TV, "I've been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first port-a-potty rescue I've ever had."
Police charged the man with public drunkenness and creating a health code violation, but they have no idea why he was in the toilet with his clothes off. They said he didn't suffer any serious injuries.

The Next Time...

2008-06-11T11:47:00.003-04:00

...someone tells you they are a Pro Fisherman, tell them, "So are monkeys."

*****

Scientists find monkeys who know how to fish

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - Long-tailed macaque monkeys have a reputation for knowing how to find food - whether it be grabbing fruit from jungle trees or snatching a banana from a startled tourist.
Now, researchers say they have discovered groups of the silver-haired monkeys in Indonesia that fish.
Groups of long-tailed macaques were observed four times over the past eight years scooping up small fish with their hands and eating them along rivers in East Kalimantan and North Sumatra provinces, according to researchers from The Nature Conservancy and the Great Ape Trust.
The species had been known to eat fruit and forage for crabs and insects, but never before fish from rivers.
"It's exciting that after such a long time you see new behavior," said Erik Meijaard, one of the authors of a study on fishing macaques that appeared in last month's International Journal of Primatology. "It's an indication of how little we know about the species."

SOURCE and Full Story: MyWay

Psst, Need A Million Bucks?

2008-06-11T03:24:00.002-04:00

Bigfoot Bounty: Reward Offered for Mysterious Monsters

Bigfoot and lake monsters, beware: There’s a price on your heads. Binocular manufacturer Bushnell, along with "Field & Stream" magazine, have teamed up to offer $1 million to anyone who can "provide an unaltered photograph/video, verified and substantiated by a panel of scientific experts [including a zoologist and biologist], the evidence required to prove a Sasquatch/Bigfoot/Yeti exists." The contest started a few days ago and ends Dec. 15, but before heading out to claim your million, note that the rules' fine print states that they are not liable for any injury incurred during a Bigfoot attack. A good quality Bigfoot image would make history; most photos are of such consistently poor quality that within the Bigfoot research community there's even a name for a typical blurry "Bigfoot" image: blobsquatch. This is, of course, a marketing promotion and not a genuine search for Bigfoot. There's no way to authenticate a Bigfoot photograph by itself; the image is simply a two-dimensional pattern of pixels. To truly prove a Bigfoot exists, you'd need corroborating hard evidence like a body, teeth, or bones. Bigfoot isn't the only monster whose proof of existence commands cash. Larry Nielson, a boat owner from Lake City, Minnesota, is offering a reward for their local lake monster. Pepie, the mysterious beast said to lurk in Lake Pepin, was supposedly seen on April 28, 1871, and only rarely since then. According to Nielson, you don't actually have to capture the beast: "The Lake City Tourism Bureau has announced a $50,000 reward for undisputable evidence that proves the existence of the real live creature living in Lake Pepin. The proof should include photographics (sic) and/or samples of skin or fins that can studied for a DNA analysis." Savvy marketers have been using monsters in promotions for over a century. In 1873, the great American showman P.T. Barnum offered a $50,000 reward for Champ, the monster supposedly living in Vermont's Lake Champlain. He planned to exhibit the creature in New York, but even that fortune wasn't enough to snare the creature, and in 1887, Barnum offered $20,000 for the monster, dead or alive. He still had no takers. More recently, Bigfoot has been used to promote everything from pizza to monster trucks to beef jerky. And virtually every town near a lake with a reputed monster has profited economically from increased tourism. People have been searching for these mysterious creatures for years. Why is conclusive proof still elusive? There are only two alternative explanations: the monsters' non-existence or the searchers' incompetence. It's possible that the animals simply don't exist, and the "evidence" is either hoaxed or the result of honest mistakes. Or, if these monsters do exist, the searchers apparently aren't good enough at their task and can't find the huge animals despite decades of effort and employing high-tech equipment. Perhaps putting a price on Bigfoot's head will finally solve the mystery. But if history is any guide, it will just turn up more blobsquatches.

SOURCE: Benjamin Radford at LiveScience

Quote

2008-06-09T03:45:00.001-04:00

"I bought a dictionary and the first thing

I looked up was the word 'dictionary'.

It said, 'You're an asshole.'"

-Demetri Martin

Enjoy The Ride

2008-06-09T03:24:00.004-04:00

I had another great day riding the scoot today. I'm loving this hot weather, as it seems to persuade me to keep on riding and never go home.

Someone once told me that I would grow up someday and quit riding a motorcycle.

I am happy to report that the person who made that statement was wrong on both counts!

A Very Good Day

2008-06-08T00:45:00.004-04:00

I had a great day today. Geno and I went riding and visiting old friends. Geno is a lot of fun to be around anytime, but add a couple of Harleys and it becomes over the top.

We visited with several friends and we rode. Visiting people with Geno is an experience in and of itself. Riding with him is not quite sane.

I ride fast, always have and always will. I have a fast bike, or so I thought. Geno today showed me how fast a fast bike really is.

I ride well, but I’m no Geno! He continues to amaze me.
And he scares me as well.

Love ya Bro. Stay where you’re at, and keep on keepin’ on.
You’re doin’ it right!

*****

And here's a shout-out to Ruthie.

Thanks for being one of the most pleasant people I've ever met.

They Forgot, Ummm... Something

2008-06-07T04:45:00.004-04:00

Marijuana Bongs Recalled
San Francisco CA, - Bongs-R-Us, the nation’s leading bong manufacturer, today recalled one million bongs. The reason for the recall: The bong users have reported that they are not getting high.

College students and other marijuana smokers across the country have flooded the company’s switchboard with calls stating that they have been failing to achieve a good buzz since they started using the company’s latest bongs.
Every caller reported having purchased a Bongs-R-Us bong in 2007 via local head shops or via the internet. All of the bongs reported have “Bongs-R-Us-2007” inscribed on the bottom.
In addition to the recall, Bongs-R-Us which is based in San Francisco announced today that they are continuing to investigate the complaints. A spokesman for the company, Hans Hammer said, “We are having a hard time getting our hands around the situation – pardon the pun. For every customer that we have talked to who says they can’t get buzzed using our bongs, we hear from another three that tell us that they just got completely whacked using our fine product.”
While the company simply suspects that maybe a real large bunch of people got ripped off by their dealers who sold them some home grown shit, they have agreed to voluntarily recall the 2007 model bongs in an effort to retain their loyal customers. The company has indicated that their research into the matter has shown that the majority of complaining customers all live within or near several major metropolitan areas in the country.
Most of the customers spoken to were reluctant to discuss the issues. One customer, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I’m glad that they are recalling the bongs. I was really starting to get bummed out by my lack of a buzz when using my Bongs-r-us bong.”
At the University of California-Santa Barbara, one of the country's leading party schools–accprdomg to the Princeton Review, many pot smokers were observed tossing their Bongs-R-Us bongs into a large box located on fraternity row.
Several students, who also wished to remain anonymous, said, “At the beginning of the school year most of us were getting like totally stoned with these bongs but lately we had noticed that it has been increasingly difficult to get a good buzz on using these Bongs-r-us bongs.” Many of the university’s students reported they will just roll joints until they get their new bong as part of the recall.
When asked if the problem could be the quality of their weed and not the bong, most of the college students interviewed for this story supported their local dealer. Their comments were generally along the lines of “There is no way Rick (not his real name) would sell us home-grown stuff", and "like dude, we have been buying from him since we arrived on campus so we are sure the problem is not with the weed."

SOURCE: Red Tractor USA

We Have Us A Hacker!

2008-06-07T03:55:00.002-04:00

You’ve probably noticed a few glitches on the Riverbank recently.
That’s because someone is trying to hack it.
Someone who is good.
.
Real good.
.
.
So I have no way of finding out who she is, right?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Oops, I said ‘she’, didn’t I?
.
.
.
Well, whoever she is, she is good.
.
.
.
.
.
Aren’t you, Robin?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Again, that’s;

Robin Russo,
from Robin Leedy & Associates, Inc.
118 North Bedford Road
Mount Kisco, New York 10549
(914) 241-0086 extension 16
IP Address 68.195.222.138
.
.
.
Nice work, Robin!
.
.
.
.
.
No wait, you failed...
.
.
.
.

Guys, Don't Read This One

2008-06-07T02:29:00.001-04:00

Ouch.

************

Man survives crotch snake bite
CAIRNS, Australia (UPI) -- A man seemed embarrassed after a snake bit him in the crotch while he was relieving himself on the side of the road in Australia, an ambulance spokesman said. The tourist could have lost his life when a poisonous brown snake lurched toward his crotch and sunk its teeth into his manhood, the Sun reported Thursday. It was reported rescue officials hurried to the road near Cairns, Australia, and began on-site treatment. Medical officials said the man was expected to recover, despite throwing up and complaining of a stomachache. "It certainly had a swipe at him. But it didn't envenomate him. As it came through it must have got a bit of a shock," the spokesman said. "I think he was a bit shocked and embarrassed."

No Fucking Way!

2008-06-07T02:20:00.001-04:00

Proof that the legal system is officially insane.

**************

Wife ordered to pay for ex's lifestyle
MADISON, Wis. (UPI) -- The Wisconsin Supreme Court has ruled a divorced woman must pay her ex-husband $2,000 a month to maintain his lifestyle, despite his $85,000 a year salary. The court ruled Rose Steinmann must pay her ex-husband, Tony Steinmann, $2,000 a month for 10 years so that he may maintain the lifestyle he enjoyed while married, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported Thursday. The Steinmanns were married for 10 years and during that time Tony worked for Rose's business, Dairy Source Inc. He was fired from the company two months after the couple divorced in 2004. The Supreme Court's decision was unanimous, although Justice Annette Ziegler did not participate in the review.

No. Geno Wasn't Even There!

2008-06-07T02:18:00.002-04:00

Party trashes $8.8 million home
MARBELLA, Spain (UPI) -- A woman says her $8.8 million home in Marbella, Spain, was trashed by 400 revelers who showed up for a party her daughter advertised on the Internet.
Amanda Hudson said she gave her daughter, Jodie, permission to throw her 16th birthday party at the house, but she lost control of the shindig after hundreds of people showed up to party, the Daily Mail reported Thursday.
Jodie Hudson had sent out word about her birthday bash on social networking sites Facebook and Bebo as the "party of the year," the British newspaper reported. The advertisements, which included the address of the house, promised "there's going be a lot of alcohol and an amazing DJ."
Hudson said $12,000 worth of jewelry and multiple clothing items were stolen during the party. Other items, including a TV, were thrown into the house's pool.
She said the house is usually rented out for $8,000 a week during the summer, but the damage done by the party has made the residence unlivable.

Quote

2008-06-07T01:44:00.001-04:00

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

- Ben Franklin

The Post Turtle

2008-06-07T01:41:00.000-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.'

Headlines

2008-06-07T00:46:00.002-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEADLINES OF 2008

Most of the year's gone by, but they are pretty neat, so...enjoy!

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

The Whole Truth

2008-06-07T00:38:00.001-04:00

From Joe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

THREE MEN HIKING

2008-06-06T11:15:00.000-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof!......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked two hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you".

Burial At Sea

2008-06-06T11:08:00.001-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~

Betty and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle they would bury him at sea when he died. Their uncle had been a seafaring gentleman all his life and it was to be his final wish. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They cast off from Fort Lauderdale with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat.
After rowing for quite some time, Betty says, 'Do you think we're out far enough?'
Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do -- the water is only up to my chest.'

So they row on some more, and Barbie slips over the side once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Barbie is under water and poor Betty is really getting worried.

Suddenly, Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'
Betty inquires. 'Yes, finally! Hand me the shovel.'

Quote

2008-06-06T02:16:00.000-04:00

"I'd like to learn a new language: Scottish. It's a mixture of English and alcohol. You drink a pint and end each sentence with, 'ye bastard!'"

- Sean Meo

Quote

2008-06-06T02:14:00.001-04:00

"...and on the seventh day Geno said,

"I'll take it from here."

- Tramp

Freebies, Special Beauty And Health Edition

2008-06-05T23:29:00.004-04:00

Aveeno Positively Ageless

Clay Essentials

Gillette Body Wash

Garnier Ultra Lift Pro X

Aveda Green Science

Emergen C

JGO

Gas-X Thin StripsTM

Just Keep Moving Exersize DVD and Pedometer

Sober X Hangover Patch

Dialene Fat Incinerator

Penn Carabineer Sports Watch

Bizarre Facts

2008-06-05T06:43:00.002-04:00

1. China has close to 25% of the world's population.
2. Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.
3. Cows sweat through their noses.
4. Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.
5. Despite a population of well over one billion people, there are only an estimated 250 million televisions in use in China.
6. Dogs can't decipher size. That's why little dogs are mean.
7. Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap.
8. Dave Matthews relocated to the United States to avoid service in the South African Military.
9. Don't even think about having sex while in a moving ambulance in Tremonton, Utah as it is extremely illegal. Of course, a stationary ambulance is another story.
10. Dentists have recommended that toothbrushes be kept at least six feet from toilets to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
11. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.
12. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.
13. Coffee was first known in Europe as Arabian Wine.
14. Did you know that 85.7% of statistics are made up?
15. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
16. During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.
17. China was the first country to use paper money.
18. During the average human life, you will consume 70 assorted bugs as well as 10 spiders as you sleep.
19. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
20. Death Valley, California, has a point that is 280 feet below sea level.

SOURCE: Dave's Daily

Respect

2008-06-05T06:30:00.003-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather Abuelo in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson.
"It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says Grandpa.
"We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abuelo says with a big smile.
"There’s a musician here -- he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro‘!"
"There is a judge in here -- he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor‘!"
"There’s a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor‘!"
"And me -- I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘That Fucking Mexican’.

Have A Ball

2008-06-05T06:17:00.002-04:00

Testicle Festival held for a good cause
WOODRUFF, Utah (UPI) -- The eighth annual Testicle Festival in Woodruff, Utah, has helped raised nearly $30,000 for charity by dispensing plenty of bull testicles, volunteers say.

Festival volunteer Lori Cornia said in addition to raising donations, the Black Gold Cattle Co. event served plenty of deep-fried bull testicles, also known as "Rocky Mountain Oysters," The Salt Lake Tribune reported.

"Some people have trouble with them," Cornia said. "Just think of it as veal."

The event, which had 250 pounds of the "Oysters" available for visitors, also included old-time rodeo events such as team branding and range bull riding.

Cornia said the festival was an annual chance for people to enjoy the food once seen as a rare treat by farmers' friends and family.

"It was considered a treat, since they only got it once a year," she told the Tribune. "Of course, you probably wouldn't want to eat it more than that."

That's Odd!

2008-06-04T05:59:00.003-04:00

Bob Basler, of Oddly Enough (it's in the Blogroll below), sent me a note about a post of his.

I checked it out and it's a must-see.

So see it. HERE.

Nice work, Bob!

BREAKING NEWS

2008-06-04T05:35:00.003-04:00

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Escaped Caterpillar On Rampage Through City

A ravenous caterpillar escaped from captivity today, wreaking havoc as it devoured everything in its sight and carved a half-centimeter path of destruction across the city, horrified sources reported.

SOURCE: The Onion

Screw Gasoline, Use Air Instead!

2008-06-04T03:12:00.005-04:00

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the same company who, a few months back, came out with a car that costs only $2,500.00 new .

.
AMAZING AIR CAR!

.

.
The Compressed Air Car developed by Motor Development International (MDI) Founder Guy Negre might be the best thing to have happened to the motor engine in years.
The $12,700 CityCAT, one of the planned Air Car models, can hit 68 mph and has a range of 125 miles. It will take only a few minutes for the CityCAT to refuel at gas stations equipped with custom air compressor units. MDI says it should cost only around $2 to fill the car up with 340 liters of air!
The Air Car will be starting production relatively soon, thanks to India's TATA Motors. Forget corn! There's fuel, there's renewable fuel, and then there's user-renewable fuel! What could be better than air?
Check it out yourself and see -
.

What A Cool Car!

Enjoy! :)

Foreign Laws

2008-06-03T22:41:00.005-04:00

I acquired from my very good friend Al, this great list teeming with laws employed in an assortment of countries.

The people from these places apparently are not like us!

Al indicated a desire to share it with all of you.

Thanks Al!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I read this, I assumed you might get a laugh from it....

Perhaps some of your readers as well.

I'm sure these are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the lunatic world in which we live. It seems obvious that ‘intelligence’ is not a requirement when it comes to the business of governing and lawmaking.

Al

*****

Just in case you need more proof that we live in a crazy world . . .

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(...So they'll never know they went blind?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...
The Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Now this is justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmm.... I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? Wonder how much the govt. paid for this relevant bit of research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Aw, jeez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I also know some people like that.)

A Question

2008-06-03T22:35:00.003-04:00

Here is a letter from TZ.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife had a doctor's appointment today. Nothing serious, just checking the plumbing for some kind of 'irritation' which is usually code for a yeast infection or a urinary tract infection.
Anyway, she called me when she got home and said the doctor told her she couldn't make love. I've always known this, but how did he find out?

TZ

She's Back!

2008-06-02T02:36:00.001-04:00

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart? If so, what causes it?

Judging from what I see when I do the laundry, I would say that the answer to the first question is definitely yes.
As for the causes, we must remember that what we call "fart" and what we call "poop" are just end-members of a continuum. That is, we can have a pure fart, or a pure poop, or anything in-between, depending upon the admixture of the two.
If a sample consists mostly of poop with only a small fart component, you get such things as jet-propelled bowel movements and spongy, floating fecal masses (you know, the ones that refuse to be flushed down the toilet -- they keep popping back up).
If the sample consists mostly of fart with only a small poop component, you get what is known as "skid marks" or "fart art." These can also result from inadequate wiping, but the shape of the stain is different in the two cases. Inadequate wiping leads to elongate marks parallel to one's crack, usually with well-defined edges, whereas fart art is generally more circular and has an air-brushed look.
Fart art is most likely to occur if (1) a person is suffering from diarrhea, (2) the person is trying too hard to fart, and (3) the person mistakenly perceives the pressure against his sphincter to be gas pressure rather than liquid pressure. Again, that last situation is most likely to occur if the person is afflicted with diarrhea.

Enjoy…Sweet’s back!

xoxoxoxo

Northern Fishing Southern Style

2008-06-01T12:14:00.001-04:00

From Joe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back.
Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer.
"By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

Lifeguards Are Funny

2008-06-01T02:59:00.001-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lifeguard

Quote

2008-06-01T02:42:00.000-04:00

"I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page records people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failure."

-- Chief Justice Earl Warren

What I Learned In College

2008-06-01T02:30:00.002-04:00

This much I know.

You might be a college student if...
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's 'free', even though it tastes terrible.
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class.
19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.
21. If your social life consists of a date with the library.
22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have.
25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class.
26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter.
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference).
30. If you have built up a tolerance for beverages.
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room.
34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.
35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.
36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
37. If you get more e-mail than mail.

W.I.F.E.

2008-06-01T02:04:00.002-04:00

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Wussini?

2008-05-24T02:12:00.003-04:00

Geno came by on the bike the other day.
It was a crappy day out, weather-wise.
I asked him what was up.
“Let’s go for a ride,” he said.
“The weather sucks. I’m not going anywhere,” I informed him.
“What are you? A Wussini?” he asked me.
“What’s a Wussini?” I replied.
“A Wussini is the Queen of the Wussies,” he answered.
“I’m not a Wussini,” I announced.
“Then go get your bike out!” he enthused.
“The weather sucks,” I came back with.
“Wussini!” he proclaimed.
“I’m not a Wussini,” I demanded.
“Wussini!”
“Stop calling me that!”
“Wussini!”
“Do you actually think that if you keep saying that, I’m gonna change my mind about riding in crappy weather and just go get my bike out?”
“Wussini!”
“I’ll go get my bike out.”
.
.
And so it went again with Geno.
.
Let’s see, that makes it;
GENO - 25,000,21
TRAMP - ZERO
.
But I’m gonna keep trying!
No, I don't know why.

Quote

2008-05-24T01:49:00.002-04:00

"A friend of mine once told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was gonna ask him why, but I had to shoot him first."

- John Wayne

Question

2008-05-23T23:58:00.002-04:00

I’m currently hanging about sipping on a Canuck beer. I’m home now after spending the evening visiting with some old friends, something I don’t do often enough. And I have a question for you, one that a friend asked me tonight. See if you can get it right.
.

How many of each sex of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The answer is none.
.
Noah had the ark.

Quote

2008-05-23T23:56:00.000-04:00

If you've got them by the balls,

their hearts and minds will follow.

- John Wayne

Every Breath You Take

2008-05-23T04:34:00.002-04:00

In the news.

*****

A breath might soon foretell disease
BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) -- U.S. scientists have created a technique that analyzes a person's breath to detect trace compounds that might provide early warning signs of disease.

A team led by Jun Ye, a physicist at JILA -- a joint facility of the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the University of Colorado at Boulder -- demonstrated the optical technique for simultaneously identifying tiny amounts of a broad range of molecules in the breath, potentially enabling a fast, low-cost screening tool for disease.

"It is exciting to imagine the potential of analyzing all major biomarkers in one's breath at once," said Ye. "For example, nitric oxide can indicate asthma but it also appears in breath with many other lung diseases, including chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, cystic fibrosis and bronchiectasis.

"However," he added, "if we simultaneously monitor nitric oxide, carbon monoxide, hydro-peroxide, nitrites, nitrates, pentane and ethane, all important biomarkers for asthma, we can be much more certain for a definitive diagnosis of this important disease."

The research is reported in the journal Optics Express.

Zits. The Game.

2008-05-23T04:14:00.001-04:00

Yup.

Some say the universe is SHPANDING.

2008-05-23T04:02:00.001-04:00

That comes straight from the Fictionary.

Use these words when you want people to leave you alone!

Quote

2008-05-23T03:53:00.001-04:00

"To me, boxing is like a ballet,

except there's no music, no choreography,

and the dancers hit each other."

- Jack Handey

What You Make It

2008-05-23T03:48:00.002-04:00

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I recently picked a new doctor.

After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a shit?"

Lie Detector

2008-05-22T02:42:00.002-04:00

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John was a sales clerk's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?," they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector; now tell us where you went after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! Moreover, you cannot be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times.

Quote

2008-05-22T02:15:00.001-04:00

"A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about their sexuality. The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out tomorrow."

- Cynthia MacGregor

Freebies

2008-05-22T01:35:00.004-04:00

Bourbon Street Blend

Quaker Simple Harvest

Amazon Tea

Teddy Grahams

Romano's Macaroni Grill

Wood Skull Auto Air Freshener

Armor All

Buell Hydration Pack

A Bad Influence

2008-05-22T01:27:00.002-04:00

From Trev.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs? "
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. "

Morris and Sherry were married for five years and sex was becoming routine and boring.
"Look," said Morris , "if you don't put some more action into it in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some strange stuff."
"Listen, Romeo," said Sherry , "if you could somehow manage just a teensy inch or two more, you'd be into some strange stuff right here!"

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like crap."

The Texan, seated in the hotel cocktail lounge, beckoned the waitress back and said, "May I have a piece of ass?"
"Lord!" She said astonished. "That's gotta be the most direct proposition I've ever had in my life. But why not? Let's go on up to your room."
When they returned, she said, "And now sir, will there be anything else?"
"Yeah, lil' Lady." the cowboy replied. "I still need ah piece of ass for mah drink."

Quote, And I Don't Doubt It

2008-05-22T01:25:00.001-04:00

"On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services in Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave a 60 minute sermon on adultery. Here is the really embarrassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal."

- Jay Leno

The Sign

2008-05-22T01:11:00.002-04:00

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said:
'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A police officer, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they would either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that is a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

Therefore, the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50."

ROCK TRIVIA

2008-05-20T03:45:00.003-04:00

Despite all of the hits that they've had, The Who have never had a number one record in the UK or the US.

Alice Cooper was once elected Homecoming Queen for the University Of Houston.

While playing in front of a large lake at the Crystal Palace Bowl in London in 1970, Pink Floyd played so loud, a number of fish were killed.

Axl Rose of Guns N' Roses married Erin Everly, Don Everly's daughter. The marriage lasted 27 days.

Eric Clapton was born to an unwed mother and to shield him from the shame, Eric grew up believing that his grandparents were his parents and his mother was his sister.

Grand Funk Railroad took their name from a Michigan landmark, "The Grand Trunk Railroad".

Jimi Hendrix was thrown out of high school for holding the hand of a white girl in class.

Gene Simmons of KISS is a former elementary school teacher.

The Electric Light Orchestra has had twenty Top 40 Hits, but have never had a number one record.

Sonny and Cher were initially known as Caesar and Cleo.

Throughout their career, Ringo received far more fan mail than any of the other Beatles.

Fleetwood Mac's former guitarist, Lindsay Buckingham has a brother named Greg who won a gold medal at the 1968 Olympics in Mexico City.

Bobby Hatfield of The Righteous Brothers, who died of a cocaine overdose, once had a tryout with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

In 1958, the Esso Research Center reported that "tuning in rock & roll music on a car radio can cost a motorist money, because the rhythm can cause a driver to unconsciously jiggle the gas pedal, thus wasting fuel."

SOURCE : The Bone

Taxes

2008-05-20T00:48:00.000-04:00

Man tracked down for 51-cent tax bill
BRIGHTON, Mich. (UPI) -- A Michigan doctor says he found it funny the city of Brighton sent him a "final notice and demand of payment" for 51 cents in property taxes. Dr. Phil Kazanji said he chuckled at a notice from the city that said legal action would be taken against him if he didn't fork over 51 cents in delinquent taxes. "This is the most ridiculous thing a government agency would do," Kazanji told the Livingston County (Mich.) Daily Press & Argus. Kazanji added that the city actually lost money by spending $5.21 to mail the certified letter. Brighton officials said they are required by law to fine delinquent tax payers, regardless of the amount they owe. "No matter how small, we can't ignore it or waive it," city finance director Dave Gajda said. "It doesn't matter how much we spend to collect (delinquent taxes), we have to collect it."

Indiana Jones and the Veggie of Doom

2008-05-18T22:42:00.000-04:00

Bob Basler, from Oddly Enough, sent me a great picture of Indy, I mean Harrison Ford.

Check it out at his site, here.

You'll love this one.

Thanks, Bob!

Realistic Internet Simulator

2008-05-18T20:12:00.001-04:00

Kill The Popups

From B3TA.

Quote

2008-05-18T18:06:00.005-04:00

"This is a true story. Only the facts have been changed." - Frank Zappa

Talkin' Shit

2008-05-18T18:06:00.003-04:00

For Sweet.

*****

Dog Poo Grenade
Once while out walking with my dog he stopped, as dogs tend to do and curled out the biggest, foul smelling shite that I've ever seen. The fucker pretty much filled the plastic bag I shovelled it into. With no turd bin in sight I ended up carrying it around with me for most of the walk. Going across a playing field he decides he wants to run around like a lunatic and be a general annoyance...cue me running around trying to put him on his lead before he upsets someone...he's not violent, just way too friendly for his own good. A bunch of the local chav brigade were gathered in one corner drinking and on spotting my labrador generally enjoying life they decided to start chucking rocks at him. Without a second though I launched the plastic bag full of shit through the air at them. The smelly missile flew through the air, hitting one of the group square in the chest, bursting on impact. The sight was funny for about 20 seconds until I had to sprint back home with hound in tow as they did the natural thing and chased us. A dangerous game to play but if you mess with my dog then I tend to get quite protective. -Manuel the Bandito

*****

Read this and many more poo stories at B3TA.

Carrie Is Stuck On You

2008-05-18T17:47:00.001-04:00

Okay, let's try this again.

From Carrie.

Click here.

It's a far sight better than many people I know who are stuck on stupid!

That's Refreshing

2008-05-18T14:59:00.003-04:00

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~

Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.
-Thomas Jefferson .

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
8. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
9. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?
10. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
13. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
14. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
Eleventy Five. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
16. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
17. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
18. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
19. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
20. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
21. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
22. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
23. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
24. It is better to be in court for protecting yourself with a gun than to be in a coffin for not.

Amen

2008-05-18T02:09:00.003-04:00

From Bobby.

These kids need to wise up.
When the school tries to sell them a lunch, they should tell them they can't pay because their money mentions God!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned, a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer.

I liked it.

*****

New Pledge of Allegiance!

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

.
If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,

We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

Carrie Is Stuck On You

2008-05-18T00:03:00.001-04:00

From Carrie.

Click on the title.

It's a far sight better than many people I know who are stuck on stupid!

Gas Myths

2008-05-17T22:45:00.001-04:00

I've covered this before, but this guy did a better job.

A New Holiday

2008-05-17T22:21:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is a new Holiday. It is loosely based on Mother's Day, in name only, not in principal. It comes one week after Mother's Day.

A board of fifteen voted unanimously in it's favor. The fifteen voters were myself, Bobby, Stewart, and twelve beers.

This Holiday is designed to let certain people in your life know exactly how you feel about them. If you have had the opportunity to meet anyone who qualifies as a jerk, an asswipe, a shitstain, or any of the other closely related descriptions, tomorrow is their day.

Give them a call and wish them a
.
.
.
.
.

HAPPY

MOTHERFUCKERS

DAY!