Top Secret Communication Uncovered

An anonymous source has sent me a copy of a top secret memo purportedly written by Bin Laden himself.

This will give you a glimpse into the conditions he has been forced to endure in order to rattle his saber at us from time to time.

I have a small problem with the last video he sent to us. I don't think I received my full share of terror. This is because I didn't understand what the hell he was talking about.

Osama, you are going to have be a little clearer with your threats. After all, I want to tremble in my shoes, not scratch my head and say, "Huh?"

Oh, and a little advance notice wouldn't hurt either. I had no idea that one was coming. Had I received my full share of terror, it still wouldn't have worked right.

I didn't even have my shoes on!

Come on now Osama (I can call you Osama, right? Hey, it's better than what a lot of the people are calling you around here!). You are suppose to be the best in this terror business. The little mistakes take a large toll on the final result. Your age is starting to show. Maybe it's time to hang up the saber. Nobody is going to hold it against you or fault you for it. It happens to all of us, not just you.

Heck, I'm not one hold a grudge. Come on over. I'll buy you a good meal. Whatever you want. You name the restaurant. We'll shake hands and put this whole thing behind us. Some day we'll probably laugh about it.

Just stop at any one of our Military bases. We have lots of convenient locations and plenty of well lit free parking. Make contact with any service member of any branch at any of the bases. It doesn't matter which one. They all know me.

Tell them who you are and that you have an appointment with me. Heck, I'll make sure every one of them knows about our appointment. Just tell them who you are. I will personally guarantee that you receive the 'Special' treatment that you undoubtedly deserve. They'll be glad to take care of you, they are very helpful that way.

Oh, and don't forget to thank them. They appreciate being thanked. They really do.

Trust me on this one.

Let me know when I should expect you! I'll pencil you in, just in case your plans change.

You'll get a lot of that over here, the change in plans crap. Trust me on that one, as well!

So hurry on over soon. I can't wait to see you! I'm looking forward to it. And that's the truth.

********************************

From: Bin Laden, Osama [mail to: osama@taliban.com]
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you lots.
Osama