Epitaphs

These are actual epitaphs found on tombstones around the country, but mostly out west.

Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs
From a forty-four.
No Les
No More.
***
He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair
***
Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
***
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.
***
He called
Bill Smith
A Liar
***
Rebecca Freeland
1741
She drank good ale,
good punch and wine
And lived to the age of 99
***
On a lawyer:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer
And that is Strange
***
On an Auctioneer:
Jedediah Goodwin
Auctioneer
Born 1828
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!
1876
***
Here lies
Ezekiel Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young
***
1787 - Jones - 1855
Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones;
For her death held no terrors.
She was born a maid and died a maid.
No hits, no runs, and no heirs.
***
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
December 8, 1767
***
Owen Moore
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay
***
Here lies Elizabeth,
my wife for 47 years,
and this is the first damn thing
she ever done to oblige me.
***
Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity
***
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa
***
On a hypochondriac's grave:
See. I told you
I was SICK!
***
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake
***
Ellen Shannon
age 26 years
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R. E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid."
***
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car
was on the way down.
It was
***
Arthur C. Homan's epitaph:
Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't again
***
A few epitaphs are subtle and do not appear humorous until you think about them.
***
Here lies the body
of John Round.
Lost at sea
and never found
***
Here lies Barnard Lightfoot
Who was accidentally killed
in the 45th year of his age.
This monument was erected
by his grateful family
***
Here lies the body of
Thomas Vernon
The only surviving son of
Admiral Vernon