Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sunday Funnies

I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription refilled and soon the symptoms of menopause, hot flashes, forgetfulness, and irritability returned.
At the drugstore, I found myself telling the pharmacist all about my problems.
After listening patiently he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"
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*****

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Sol and Mort are walking from religious service.

Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"
So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Rabbi says, "No my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.
Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
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*****

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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
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*****

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Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.

Tom walks in and sits down.
After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask. Now Im in deep shit at home."
"What kind of question?", asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy", said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah", said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO....'"
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*****

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Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden.

Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?
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*****

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The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life:
1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."
2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."
3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".
4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"
6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."
7. THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.
8. THE HUNTER: because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
9. THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

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*****

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank.
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Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.

So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
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Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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