Friday, March 21, 2008

Life For Dummies

I found this guide for stupid people, which was written by Samuel Stoddard, so ridiculously stupid that it's funny.

Enjoy it, and if you know someone who might benefit from it, don't give it to them.

This is a joke, people.

There is no cure for stupid.

It's like telling a great joke to a dog.

Sure, the joke is still funny, but the dog just won't get it.

And what's the point of telling great jokes to someone you already know is not going to laugh?


Here is a quick test to use before you commit to telling a great joke to someone.

Tell them this, "A mind is terribly expensive to get wasted."

If they don't at least smile, move on.


A Stupid Person's Guide to Life
By Samuel Stoddard


Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner's manual? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you have come to the right place. This page provides, free of charge, a short "guide to life." In here, you will find most of the information you need to live life day by day without inadvertently maiming yourself. Read carefully. Carry out each instruction to the letter.

The Guide


Do not eat rocks.

Do not take naps in the road.
Do not stoke fires with your fingers.
Do not throw a brick straight up.
Do not breathe car exhaust.
If you ever meet the President, do not offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Do not stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you are traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, do not do it with your head.
Do not flip off the Mafia.
If you are riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
Do not shave with a lawn mower.
Just because your body has orifices does not mean you should put things into them.
Do not stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what is inside.
The warning "Don't try this at home" really means, "Don't try this at all."
Do not bathe in a tub full of snow.
Do not iron clothes while wearing them.
The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
Do not eat hot coals.
Do not break into jail.
Do not wash floors with cough syrup.
Do not kick porcupines with bare feet.
Do not sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
Sell at most one of your kidneys.
Do not lie down in a cattle pen.
Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
Do not test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
Do not snap towels at passing cops.
Do not throw an angry cat straight up.
Do not lick dry ice.
Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
Do not pour salt in your eyes.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Do not make any more.
Do not microwave yourself.
Do not chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
Do not swallow toothpaste.
Do not chew Tylenol.
Do not bathe in gasoline.
Do not sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
Do not drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
Do not stick body parts into electrical outlets.
Do not listen to music from the Spice Girls.
Do not lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
Do not go swimming in a well.
Rake leaves, not people.
Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
Contrary to popular opinion, you are not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
If you want to chew gum, buy some. Do not use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it is free.
Do not kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, do not jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
When using an acetylene torch, do not feel the flame to see if it is sufficiently hot.
Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
Elvis is dead. Get over it.
Wear clothes.
Use a potholder when removing items from the oven.
If you are on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" do not actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
Do not drink.
Do not drive.
Do not tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
Do not brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
When using a weed whacker, do not hold the end with the wire.
When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
Give me all your money.
When sticking thumbtacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.


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