How To Tell You Are A Drunk

From Modern Drunkard Magazine


You keep a bottle of liquor next to your bed so you can have breakfast in bed when you wake up.
You consider anything less than 80 proof a chaser.
You’ve eaten 87 packets of honey mustard because on the label it lists “white wine” as an ingredient.
You have convinced yourself that you’re not drinking alone so long as your friends Jack, Jim and Johnnie are over.
Your wardrobe is divided into Summer, Winter and Things You Woke Up Wearing. The third category includes a number of thongs.
Your BAC is measured in proof.
You measure time by drinks, as in: "Hold on a shot, the movie doesn't start for another four bourbons."
To you "Last call!" sounds just like "Please don’t leave! We love you and you're charming wit!"
You don’t use cologne or aftershave because you have a moral objection to alcohol going anywhere but down your throat.
You’d exercise more but when you sweat it smells like booze and that makes you thirsty.
You always finish your drinks because there are sober people in China.
When you come home to find your house burglarized the first thing you check is your liquor cabinet.
You'll join A.A. when they start serving cocktails at the meetings.
Your ATM is a Dumpster full of recyclable cans.
You'll sleep through a train wreck, yet spring awake to the sound of a bottle top turning.
You can order a beer in 17 different languages but don’t know how to pronounce “Perrier.”
When a cop asks, “Have we been drinking?” you reply, “Do you really think I’d drink with the likes of you?”