History Lessons

This is from a column written by Gene Weingarten about how students today aren't learning American History because it's so boring. These are his ideas on how to make them more interesting. And they are good ones.


The War of Independence
Old history lesson: The American Colonies revolted against England because of taxes.
Problem: Taxes are boring.
New history lesson: The American Colonies revolted against England because of nude, sunbathing sluts. Also, we wanted to ftop fpeaking like fthissies.

The Monroe Doctrine
Old history lesson: Feeling the United States' hegemony threatened by continued French and Spanish interest in colonizing the New World, President James Monroe laid out a clear warning to European powers that any effort to extend their influence into the Americas would be seen as a threat to the United States, and would be met with appropriate resistance. This established a precedent for forceful American foreign policy, a national attitude that resonates today.
Problem: Zzzzzzzz.
New history lesson: If Frenchie tries, 'Den Frenchie fries.
(Jus' ain't gon' happen, 'Cause we gon' put a cap in Vous.)

Reconstruction
Old history lesson: Faced with the challenge of rebuilding the war-ravaged South, the federal government was torn between those seeking retribution and those seeking reconciliation. The process proved extremely contentious, resulting in the ascendancy of carpetbaggers and the rise of violent secret societies that worked against the establishment of racial equality. Eventually, justice and fairness prevailed.
Problem: Huh? Wha?
New history lesson: Abraham Lincoln winned.

The Industrial Revolution
Old history lesson: Fueled by greed and new technologies, America became the world's economic leader, but at a terrible cost. With the rise of the robber baron came the dehumanization of the labor force and the institutionalization of draconian working conditions, resulting in human tragedies but eventually leading to bold social reforms that would make our standard of living the envy of the world.
Problem: "Dehumanization"? "Institutionalization"? "Draconian"? Why not just teach it in Greek?
New history lesson: Imagine Angelina Jolie, on fire, leaping out the ninth-floor window of a burning sweatshop, where she has to work in her underwear because of the heat. She jumps because Dennis Hopper, the evil owner, locked her in! Muhahahaha. In the end, she has sex with Jake Gyllenhaal, the New York City firefighter who caught her.

The Stock Market Crash
Old history lesson: Loose rules governing investments and the handling of securities result in rampant buying on margin and other unwise speculation. The overheated economy collapses in one day. This is compounded by the government's reluctance to take ameliorative action, sending the country into a Depression that would last nearly a decade.
Problem: Complicated. Depressing.
New history lesson: Now Dennis jumps out the window. He slams into the pavement at 200 mph, like a Hefty bag filled with minestrone soup.

Hiroshima
Unfortunately, this one can stay pretty much the same.