More Airline Humor
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
More tower chatter: Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
More tower chatter: Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
posted by Tramp at
Sunday, May 07, 2006
6 Comments:
I was of the mind that if pilots could be armed, why not ME? After all, who are those idiots going to kill first to get to the ones flying? Never could create a strong enough argument, so one day a Federal Air Marshall was throwing his weight around, talking about how karate would be good for me to learn, etc...and I very politely told him that My PERSONALITY was by far my best defense and more accurate than his glock...( probably quicker too....) at least I would've had the chance to speak my mind, before losing it....
The last time I flew, I was at Tampa airport with one security person doing something to my shoes and another shining a flashlight down the front of my pants when I could no longer hold my tongue. I said, "Like what you see? You know, anywhere else you would be arrested."
I have 'joked' ( only while in uniform) that my father raised me to insist on dinner first before I was allowed to let anyone touch me like that......usually was able to get a laugh....worst security in the world is PHL airport.....best to shut up, let them fondle you, and you'll make the plane...breathe out of the left nostril, and it's the handcuffs for you!
The worst I've encountered was at Tampa. After the third time they made me take off my shoes, I told them, "Oh yeah, me you check but the ragheads with the weapons go right on thru! Where were you on 9/11?"
when they insist you give them your name, ask "What will my friends call me if I give you my name?" I have used that one MANY times.
I always liked the one from Loaded weapon where the cop yell at the suspect, "Give me a name", and the suspect replies, "Weren't your parents suppose to do that?"
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