New And Used Car Buying 101

I was talking to Carrie from the Moon Connection about buying a used jet. Hey, I'm always in a hurry, so why not. It got us thinking about buying cars. Well, I know a little about this so here comes a lecture.

When I was your age, we had to walk to school 20 miles in six feet of snow, uphill both ways.

There, the kids are gone now.

So anyway, when you start looking for a new or used car, (yes, people buy the new ones. Where do you think the used cars we buy come from?) there are some good tips to getting the best price without even having to shop around. I love buying a car. I drive dealers crazy. When it's time for a price, they always write it on a piece of paper and slide it over to you. I never look at it, I simply throw it away for them and say, "I have ears". And I always beat them to their closing line. I say, "What do I have to do to get you to sell a car today?". Finally, I pull out the invoice for that car that I've gotten online and tell them "Invoice plus two percent, that's my final offer". That not only pisses them off, but tells them who they are dealing with. And an upset car dealer is my favorite thing in the world. That'll teach them to wear those stupid suits. Where do they find those? I guess everyone, including the suit salesmen, hate car dealers. And the car dealers are going to hate me even more after this.

There are three major outfits that tell you used car values. They are the National Auto Dealers Association, Kelly Blue Book and Edmunds. I can hear the dealers now, "F**k that guy! He's going to give away our secrets!"
Yes I am. Check your value at all three places. Surprising difference, huh? That is because this system is set up to the dealers advantage, but today we turn it around. When they are buying your old car, up comes the Edmunds site. You'll say, "That's all it's worth?" And they say, "It's right there."
Now, when you go to buy a used car, up comes the NADA site. You look and say, "It's worth that much?" And we know what they are going to say, don't we.
Well, turn it around. Selling? Tell them what NADA says. Buying, hello Edmunds. A word of warning, they won't like this. You are now turning their own system against them. Pat him on the head and say, "Poor baby, did that nasty Tramp ruin your day?"
Now, if it's a new car you want, I have two things for you. First, give me you job. And second, how much you should pay. Dealers will take anything from invoice plus two to four percent. Hold strong at invoice plus two percent. They take that every day. If you find one that hesitates, he is playing a game. Tell him it's alright, the guy down the road will take it. Most dealers will let you get halfway out the door before taking it, just to see if you are serious. Now tell me that it's not a game. Any one of the three sites listed above will give you the new car's invoice. Do NOT go to a site that charges for this. This is a free service, but some people will try to charge for anything. If you don't feel like playing the game, wait till the end of the month, when they are trying to make quota.
And when you do make a deal, thank the guy with this tip. Tell him, "The next time you buy a suit, don't tell them you sell cars".

And if you see a jet coming down the freeway really fast, that's me.