Ask Dr. Chill

Welcome to my new advice column. Readers, real or made up, can send in questions for free advice. I didn't say good advice.

Dear Dr. Chill,
My children drive me crazy. They always want something. Can we have food? Can we have clothes? Can we have a bed? It never ends! Whatever will I do?
Had It

Dear Had It,
Take a chill pill.

Dear Dr. Chill,
My husband drives me crazy. He is always complaining about the men I date. Who does he think he is, my father?
Tied Down

Dear Tied Down,
Take a chill pill. And have your husband take one too.

Dear Dr. Chill,
What is up with the news? And what is up with the foreign countries? And what is up with the gas prices? And what is up with the Mexicans? And what is up with the terrorists? And what is up with the President? And what is up with the space program? And what is up with the birds and the flu? And what is up with the childproof caps? And what is up with the PETA people? And what is up with the (This went on for five pages).
Just asking.
Gabby

Gabby, (dear intentionally omitted),
Take two chill pills and SHUT UP!