You Know You Are A Drunk When...

You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.
You lost a fistfight with yourself.
It takes two shots of schnapps to wash the taste of Breathalyzer out of your mouth.
You like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a beer.
You went on vacation for two weeks and the owner of your regular bar had his boat repossessed.
You’ve asked a bartender to “freshen up” your shot glass.
Bars call in their off-duty bartenders when you walk in the door.
You’ve asked a waiter: “What sort of wine goes with vodka?”
When buying floor tile, you press your face against it to see how comfortable it would be to sleep on.
You get into a loud, enraged argument, then realize you’re alone.