A True Christmas Miracle Story

Bah, humbug!

That’s been my attitude for the last couple of weeks now. Christmas is a pain in the butt. That feeling takes a hold of me every year right after Thanksgiving. I didn’t care about finding a perfect present to place under the tree. I didn’t want to go Christmas shopping. It seemed like an irritating chore. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t care. It didn’t bother me at first, it happened every year.

But every year at some point, a feeling would hit me. It would always happen about two or three weeks before Christmas. The realization that Christmas was actually arriving would sink in. It always surprised me and hit hard. A warmth would wash over me. My attitude would change completely and quickly. Christmas would suddenly become a joy, not a task. Christmas was now the most important thing in the world. And I would throw myself into it completely and without reservation. It was no longer a task. It had now become a truly important and joyous event.

Two weeks ago, it had not yet occurred. Where was it, I began to wonder. And I began to worry. It had always arrived by now. Surely it was coming. At least I hoped it was.

A week ago, I continued my wait, but still nothing changed. My worry was now slowly being replaced by a fear. Where was it? Was it coming? It had to, right?

Each day, I waited for it, but no change occurred. I started to wonder if the feeling was going to come at all. Did I not care about Christmas anymore? Was Christmas something that no longer mattered to me? I didn’t like that. Christmas had always been an important event.
As I waited and wondered, today came at midnight. Christmas has arrived. And I still didn’t care. The feeling that would change me completely never came. I wanted it to, but it didn’t. And it made me sad.

Last night, I dragged myself out to do the Christmas shopping that I did not want to do. I knew it had to be done, but I didn’t want to. Ralph, a very good friend of mine, came with me. We looked at the crap the stores pushed. They hawked many things that I didn’t want to buy. They greedily worked hard to get money I didn’t want to spend on a holiday that I just didn’t seem to be able to care about. I realized that the feeling wasn’t going to come. And it made me sadder.

I grabbed a few items to throw under the tree so it would appear like I still cared. But I didn’t. I wanted to care, but I couldn’t find in me. Thoroughly fed up with the whole annoying process, I headed over to Ralph’s place to see if we could figure why I had become such a cold heartless bastard. He said that he most certainly was up for that. He would enjoy a chance to prove it!

Ralph has had a tough year. An enormously tough and undeserved year. Bad breaks. Heartbreaking news. Spirit breaking situations that he had not brought upon himself. Unbelievably bad luck. All which came at him in a rapid-fire succession. And all of it through no action or fault of his own doing. It bewildered him. He had always been an intelligent, honest, hardworking and successful man. He didn’t deserve it and he never saw it coming. His mantra had become,
“God never gives you more than you can handle. Unless it kills you”.

What these things specifically were mattered not. What did matter was that these situations were real and they were his, biting him on the butt almost daily. He didn’t know why it came, nor did he know how to respond to it. He didn’t understand why they became his lot in life. But he understood that they hurt. So he chose alcohol as his solution. He drank a lot. Every night. And you couldn’t fault him for it, considering his circumstances.

I advised him that the path he had chosen was not a solution, but in reality another whole new problem. He said he needed it to dull the pain. And he said that he had no intention of continuing this behavior any longer than necessary. But it continued coming at him for much longer than he anticipated. And suddenly he began to depend on it, even require it. He mentioned to me that he believed he had now become an alcoholic. I was surprised and reminded him that alcoholics do not choose to drink. They have to drink. He responded that this description did indeed now fit how he felt. I asked him whether he really honestly felt that he HAD to drink. He said yes, he felt that way. He said he didn’t choose it to happen. He didn’t want it to happen. But it did and he is upset by it, He believes that he can’t control it and doesn’t know what to do. He wishes he could stop, and he wants to, but he just can’t seem to.

I was stunned by this uncharacteristic news. It’s nothing like the Ralph I know. And I was even further saddened.

Tonight, however, he chose to discuss my lack of holiday spirit. I told him that I felt as though I had lost something inside. I just couldn’t find it inside of myself to appreciate and enjoy this magical and miracle filled time of year. I couldn’t seem to bring myself to care about this important annual event anymore. It seemed as though I’d lost a beloved part of myself? He asked me if this change of attitude that had always occurred in the past usually happened at about the same period of time each year. My respond was no, not exactly, but close. He asked me where I usually was when it happened. I thought about and said I usually was at home. We talked about what might trigger it. I thought hard and realized that it had always happened while I was admiring our big and brightly lit Christmas tree.

The tree seemed to be the mental trigger for me. I then mentioned that my wife had tried something different this year. We didn’t have a traditional Christmas tree, a clear and ever present reminder of what a wonderful time of the year it currently was, in our living room. My wife had decided to replace it with a decorated palm tree in an effort to create an unusual and different type of holiday atmosphere in our home. We decided that the tree might be the mental trigger that ignites the Christmas spirit inside of me. The beautiful tree we all use to represent Christmas seemed to be the visual cue, which converts me from a Scrooge to a true believer in this most wondrous holiday. I agreed that familiar sight of this tree indeed had a powerful influence on me. And perhaps this long expected familiar and beloved symbol of the holiday was psychologically announcing the arrival of Christmas for me.

We congratulated each other on our amazing ability to decipher the human psyche, and called it a night. I then realized that my friend had not touched a single alcoholic drink during this entire night. He said he didn’t feel like it tonight. I told him that his feelings were of no consequence to this condition of his, as a true alcoholic doesn’t place any account on what his feelings are. He simply requires it. It is an uncontrollable addiction that demands the fulfillment of its cravings. He said he simply didn’t feel like having any on this particular night. I restated that it should not be available as a choice to an alcoholic as it allows no decision on the part of the bearer of this affliction. “No, thanks”, was his reply.

I then clearly spoke these words, “Understand me. I’m not offering you a drink. I’m pointing out that your behavior here tonight is a clear indication that you are NOT an alcoholic. A true alcoholic doesn’t get to choose as you have just done. It’s not an option.”

A look of realization came over him as he began to understand what I was really saying. He slowly started to smile as he saw what I pointed out. He was NOT an alcoholic after all. He suddenly saw that he indeed had control, of it, not it of him.

He exhaled in a way that made his entire body appear to have a tremendous weight removed from it. Then his frame relaxed visibly, a sight I hadn’t seen in some time. And his smile grew larger. The wry forced smile that had occasionally appeared on his face in the past few months was gone, now replaced by one showing true happiness and relief.

And then, with a dry wit I use far too often, I said, “Well how about that. We have our own Christmas miracle right here, right now!”

Then it was time for realization to cross my face. I had spoken those words in an attempt at humor. But I didn’t immediately comprehend what I had just said. I was only starting to grasp what had happened (for the last few months, he honestly could not turn down, or go without, a few drinks each and every day), when I discovered that the triggering force, needed to change my attitude each year around this time, was not limited to just a Christmas tree. It actually turned out to be the presence of anything directly related to Christmas. The warmth swept over me. This Christmas miracle we were currently witnessing had done it. Finally, I had acquired the Christmas spirit I had been waiting for. And it felt exactly the same as all the others times I received it. It felt good. And I became happy.
At long last.

Merry Christmas to all!