Tramp's Heat Pills

A simple mind is an easy thing to control.

A few years ago, I was on my boat with a friend named Buford. Buford is no Einstein. He is barely a double digit IQ. My dog outsmarts him regularly.

It was a cool evening. Not cold by anyone's standards, but a denim shirt night al least. I had set up a playstation football game on the deck (we couldn't go below as Buford smokes like a malfunctioning steel mill). Buford started whining about being cold. He is an alcoholic and they are always cold. He wanted me to fire up the heater. Nonsense, I though, it wasn't that cool. But I didn't want to argue and I didn't want to see the front of Buford's shirt get all wet from the tears. So I had an idea.

I told Buford about some heat pills I had. When you take one, you stay warm for eight hours, I explained. Don't take two, said I, as you would get uncomfortably warm. Just one should do it. If it wasn't warm enough, he could have another, I promised.

I went below and returned with the boat's first aid box. I took a white pill out and gave it to him. He swallowed it with some beer and within ten minutes he was warm. He stayed warm for the rest of the evening, marveling at the wonder of that little pill. We had a good evening.

Oh, the heat pill? It was a Tic Tac.