Jokes

It’s time for some jokes. I wanted to put in some lawyer jokes, but my brother, who is an attorney, doesn’t like them. So we compromised. I told him I would only use one lawyer joke. He agreed to this.

Here we go!

***

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?""
We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome."
It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

***

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

***

And now, a lawyer joke.
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Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

***

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "
What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

***

The Queen was traveling in England's back country when she saw a man, his wife, and a flock of children.
Impressed, the Queen asked, "Are all of these your children?"
"Yes, your Highness," answered the man. "How many children do you have?" asked the English sovereign. "Sixteen," was the reply.
"Sixteen children," repeated Her Highness. "We should give you a knighthood."
"He has one," piped up the lady, "but he won't wear it"

***

I have to get in one lawyer joke here.
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Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

***

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

***

One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment. During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body. Interesting, he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold".
Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant."
Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked "So, is this Cherry Hill?"
She smiled at him and said "No, this is Eatontown."

***

I think I forgot to do a lawyer joke.
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A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam.
The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry a lawyer."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

***

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

***

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crewmembers asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir."

At that moment, the crewmember spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

***

And finally, a lawyer joke.
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How can you tell if a lawyer is hung well?

You can only get 2 fingers between the rope and his neck.