Have You Ever Wondered If...

From Steven Wright.

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1. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
2. How is it possible to have a civil war?
3. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
4. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
5. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
6. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
7. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
8. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
9. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
10. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
11. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
12. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
13. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
14. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
18. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
19. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
20. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
21. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
22. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
25. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
26. Can vegans eat animal crackers?
27. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
28. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
29. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
30. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.