It's Time To Piss My Brother Off

Yep, it's time for lawyer jokes.

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In a recent FDA study, the United States government research physicians who were conducting studies on test drugs, administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

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What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.

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Arriving at the town hall seconds before closing time, a couple caught a judge as he was about to leave and asked him to marry them. The judge asked if they had a license, and when they said they did not, he sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up and managed to get a license from him.
When they returned to the judge, he looked the license over and pointed out to them that they had filled the names in backwards…..her's where his should be, and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and obtained another license.
This time, the judge noted that the clerk had used the incorrect format when he filled in the date, so he sent them back to the clerk again.
After several reissued licenses, the judge finally appeared satisfied. "I hope you understand why I made you keep going back," he said. "Any irregularities in the license would mean that your marriage would not be legal. Subsequently, any children you might have would be technical bastards."
"Funny," the groom commented, "that's exactly how the clerk referred to you."

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Do you know why they bury dead lawyers in graves sixteen feet deep?
Because everyone believes that deep down lawyers are really good!

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A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
One is a scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish!

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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
"The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?" he asked.

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A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel:
“Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!”
The defendant answered, “No, we won.”

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A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill.
That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.
The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers. We had $100 when we broke in!"

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God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!"

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It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

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An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast.
"I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

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Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four.
Eight to argue,
one to get a continuance,
one to object,
one to demur,
two to research precedents,
one to dictate a letter,
one to stipulate,
five to turn in their time cards,
one to depose,
one to write interrogatories,
two to settle,
one to order a secretary to change the bulb,
and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

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A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail.
But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.”
And the lawyer was right.
When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.