Funnies From Trev

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"

*****

A man comes home and finds his wife standing in front of a mirror topless.
He asks her, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I was just wishing that my breasts were bigger.”
“If you want them to get bigger, rub between them with toilet paper every day.” he tells her.
So she tries this, but after a while she doesn’t see any difference.
“That advice you gave me didn’t do a thing!” she told him.
“Really? That‘s odd.” he says “It worked great on your ass!”

*****


A mother is in the U.S. Coast Guard and works on a cutter that leads cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area.
But what her daughter told her kindergarten class was, "Mom's involved in some sort of escort service."

*****

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

*****

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

*****

A new commercial for Dulcolax (a laxative) aired last night. It was animated with that artsy-fartsy, wispy style. It has this woman who is so happy Dulcolax worked for her. At the end of the spot, she sinks down into this large, overstuffed comfy-chair with "Dulcolax" written on it. As she snuggles down into the chair, she smiles and lovingly strokes the logo.
Woman: "So, if we buy Dulcolax, it'll make my chair soft, too?"
Announcer: "No? It's only for stools."

*****

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.
When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

*****

Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list. So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position."