Sunday, February 24, 2008

Prevent Assault, Never Stop Talking


That statement sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? However, according to those geniuses we call lawmakers, it is accurate. Stay with me on this one, it is worth it.

According to the law, by definition an assault takes place when someone threatens to harm another person. You do not have to touch the person, only communicate a threat verbally. Actually striking a person is battery, not assault. Therefore, if you never stop talking, to the point of not allowing that person to get one word in edgewise, that person cannot assault you. So then, if you refuse to “shut up for two seconds so I can get just one short word in dammit!”, you are, in effect, preventing an assault from occurring. If a person cannot speak, then according to the law, he cannot commit assault.

So feel free to speak freely, and continuously. If anyone tells you that you talk too much, enlighten them to the fact that you are doing all you can to prevent assaults and make this world a safer place for everyone.

Then ridicule the person for attempting to prevent you from preventing crime!

On a slightly different note, what exactly does the crime of ‘Attempted Assault’ encompass?

I would imagine the exchange between a victim and the police officer would have to sound something like this:

Police Officer: So you say this person committed the crime of Attempted Assault. What did he say?
Victim: He did not say anything.
PO: So where is the crime in that?
V: He was about to say that he would kick my ass.
PO: How do you know he was going to say that?
V: I know. He had that ‘look’!
PO But he didn’t say anything?
V: No, that’s why it’s attempted assault!
PO: So how did you stop him?
V: I started talking.
PO: Smart move, that’ll fix him! We’ll throw the book at him.
Perpetrator: OWW! That’s a heavy book! And it’s hardcover too! You guys are pretty harsh around here!

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