If Men Ran the World . . .

- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
- Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Two words..."Ally McNaked".
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
- Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!".
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards