Wednesday, January 30, 2008

*Classic Riverbank* - Answers To Your Health Questions

These answers to common health concerns were developed by the Riverbank's Health and Wellness Department, which we currently don't have, but plan to put into place as soon as someone gives us one.

Keep in mind, this post originally appeared in 2006 on April Fools Day.

I'm not sure where it came from. I may have wrote it when I was drunk and can't remember, but I'll deny it to my dying day. Anyone who follows this advice may not be healthy, but will surely be happy!


I appreciate my readers. I also like to help readers live a better life whenever I can. In that spirit, I offer this health advice to you to help improve your quality of life. Don't thank me. Seriously, don't.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit, so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HELLO!!Cocoa beans?...another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!


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