Insurance Companies

I am going around with the insurance companies due to a recent accident. And it sucks. A truck across a dark highway at night with no lights is something I should have expected. ???

Anyway, here are some good reports from insurance companies concerning accidents. The last one is my favorite.


"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Must live near a nuclear plant.)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." (Stationarier?.)

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." (Poor dog.)

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus? (Stayed home?)

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo. (That's a warning?)

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." (Well yeah!)

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." (Must have been an import.)

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. (Must resist the urge to speak.)

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" (It does?)

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." (Well, the dog had a license.)

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan." (And talking like this.)

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car." (???)

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." (You gotta hate when that happens.)

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again." (That'll teach him.)

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." (Too easy.)

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." (Hey buddy, I'm gonna hit you now!)

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way" (How stationary was it?)

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face" (Ouch!)

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." (Can you change the oil while you're down there?)

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." (What about the fly?)

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." (I've only seen these when I drink.)

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." (Yes, but what about the car?)

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." (Was Steven King driving again?)

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." (No collars?)

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." (And then I realized that this life wasn't mine either.)

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." (I have a different way of checking, but that's just me.)

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." (Good shot!)

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." (Long drive.)

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before." (Someone's been planting Stop Sign seeds.)

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian." (Less damage that way.)

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle." (Parking in back?)

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull." ("And that I'm not really bright either".)

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." (No sense waiting then.)

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him." (How about 'away'?)

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car." (I bet.)

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." (It almost always is.)

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end." (They really need to tie those things down.)

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. " (Yes, but getting back to the accident...)

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way." (It's never enough.)

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before." (Stop going there!)

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car." (Might as well make it a good one!)

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal." (When did the rest of the car arrive?)

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert." (There is always the 'but'.)

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries." (As good a time as any.)

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him." (It was close though.)

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact." (But it was a slow impact.)

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle." (Direction, steer into the other direction!)

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the claim. (I've worked with the Navy, and I believe this.)