Meet Ralph, Story Time

This is my friend Ralph. Ralph is a great guy. Ralph, like the rest of us, has stories too.
Ralph is easily one of the most honest guys I know. He has caused himself a lot of grief simply because he cannot lie. He also likes to drink. Story time!

One time, many years ago, Ralph and I went out drinking. We were in his Mustang. We arrived back at his house late and feeling fine. We were both drinking a beer. As Ralph was turning into his driveway, he spilled some of his beer on me. He smiled at me. I smiled back and dumped my whole beer onto his lap. Return a favor and all. Golden rule. He stopped smiling. I figured it was as good a time as any to leave. So I jumped out of the car and took off running. Ralph is a tall man. With long legs. I could hear them gaining on me. It was wintertime, with a lot of snow on the road (This is in Ohio, where it snows 10 months out of the year).

I'm running down the road and laughing, with Ralph hot on my heels. Ralph makes a flying leap and lands on my back. Down I go. The next thing I know, Ralph is sledding and I'm the sled. Now he is smiling again, but I' m not. I never did get him back for that.

Wait, maybe I had it coming.

The time before that one, we went out drinking (hey, we were young) and Ralph orders up two JD and Squirts. We settle in on a pool table. I shoot. And when Ralph shoots, I pour a little of my drink into his glass. I kept telling Ralph "This bartender doesn't know how to make a drink. I don't feel a thing." So Ralph goes and gets two more. Same thing. By the end, we had ordered up five rounds. Ralph was trashed. And rightfully so, he had consumed ten drinks, but didn't know it. He couldn't believe that I was still sober. I told him they must have been weak drinks. He said "Mine wash no.., no.., not weak (hic)". I told him he just couldn't handle his alcohol, and you don't say that to a drunk person. He said, "I can han-sh-del my al-kee-hol better 'n you". I told him we should see who could walk a straighter line. Now remember, I drank nothing. Ralph had ten. But he doesn't know it. I won the straight line contest. He couldn't stay in the same zip code. I said, "See, I can handle it better than you". He was furious. Ralph is a proud drinker. He says "I'm not as think as you drunk I am". Okay, let's go. I'm ready to go all night. Ralph takes me up. Fool (sorry Ralph). I had no problem running this scam on him when he was sober, now it will be child's play. He's wondering what I'm made of. He can't comprehend my soberness and his um, unsoberness. "I can't believe you can drink like that", he says. If only he knew. Ralph can outdrink me any day of the week. But I can outsmart him. For a while. So we go to a different bar and start again. First round he catches me. Nuts, I let me guard down 'cause he's drunk. And he's pissed. But Ralph is God's own drunk (with a nod to Jimmy Buffett). I forgot that part. And most of the rest of the evening, thanks to Ralph's assistance with my drinks from that point on.

UPDATE: I have a request for more info about Ralph. Normally I don't do this, but because it came from a VIP who gets what she wants, and because it's Ralph, here.

Ralph was born on another planet and flew here with his own wings, rescuing several large planets on the way. He was headed here because he had heard that "Earth Girls Are Easy" (with apologies to the movie).

OK, I'll be good.

Ralph really is a great guy. Honest as the day is long. I would trust him to hold all of my uncounted. If he says that much was there, that much was there.

Ralph loves to party and is a lot of fun at parties. Word of warning, don't pass out around him. He will 'dress you up' and put you in his photo album. Yes, Ralph is a prankster. But his pranks are always appreciated. He would never do anything mean. Except ride me like a sled.

Ralph used to do home construction. He would do the jobs that no one else would touch. Jobs that required standing on some two by fours nailed together and suspended by ladders three stories up. He has pics of it. I'll try and get some.

But he got tired of doing that and became a truck driver. And he loves it. He calls me from the road alot, and you never know where he's going to be. And who doesn't like to travel.

There was a previous post about Ralph and water skiing titled 'Story Time' on March 12. Check it out if you missed it. And I'll post a couple of Ralph pics in the next post. The one up there was from my Crapcam (cellphone). The new ones will be from my good cam. But they turn to crap when you resize them for web use.

Note: Sorry about the previous version of this post. The site went down in the middle of a publish. And then I couldn't even see what did get published. I'm thinking "Oh man, what kind of a dog did I just publish". It could have been anything with that situation.

But I worried for nothing. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Just really ugly.

And really, how often do you get a problem with 'Word' documents on a compuzrxcyuvbhxgfcb..//??{]=