Ruminations Of A Retired Guy

These are from Carrie at the Moon Connection. I find them very clever. She credits Jane VanDeMark for them but it sure sounds like Steven Wright to me.


I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or was it twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask ... is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?