Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Darwin Awards

Here is Carrie with this years Darwins.

I never know if there is truth here or not, but for some reason, my twisted sense (?) of humor revels in this type of report....perhaps because on the days that I stick the tv remote in the fridge, I can at least think that I am not using a lighter to find a gas leak....hmmmm

Subject: Darwin Awards 2006

I think the average IQ of "rocket scientists" has recently increased a bit...(read more below)

It's that time again. The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist-really!

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #6:

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #5:

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #4:

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."

Semifinalist #3:

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend-no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate-was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #2:

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

And the winner is (drum roll please)!!

Now ladies and gentleman,

the #1 Winner of this year's Darwin Award:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver (and soon to be pilot) would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.

6 Comments:

Anonymous johnd said...

I agree Tramp, some of the candidates' actions seem to far fetched to be true. However, whomever originally started the Darwin Awards back in the early-mid 90s used to research the stories. He/she used to include the original police and news reports in the write-ups.

I remember the JATO story was originally a candidate in the 1998-2000 timeframe. It is true. He bought the JATO rocket at a military DMRO auction (Defense Material Reutilization Office), probably for less than $2000.

Scary isn't it. In 1999 someone bought a Minute Missile Silo (missile not included) in the midwest. Also, in the late 90s/early 2000s, someone got a hold of certain, supposedly unobtainable, F-15 hardware and put it on sale on Ebay. The Government/AF found out about it and closed it within a day or so. But Air Force investigators and Congress had a field day with that one. My office at Kelly AFB was included in part of the investigation. I never found out what their findings were.

Friday, December 01, 2006 7:42:00 AM  
Blogger Carrie said...

on a completely unrelated topic,
why are you looking left in your profile shot? Maybe you can post a picture of the rest of the 'crew' and we'll be to the left of you- then you have a reason , good or not, to be looking that way...ps- looking forward to viewin the business blog and learning all about power hoist and scaffolds. the rumor is you have the best looking accountant/office manager there is in Ohio!

Friday, December 01, 2006 8:43:00 AM  
Blogger Sweet said...

Tramp I agree!

How can our readers see how catty I am.....

I know you had no problem showing the readers a butts a few months back....

you had no problem showing everyone the water cooler....

rumor is the Head of Information likes to dress up as "catwoman" *wink* so turn on your advanced computer skills and show us too.....

Friday, December 01, 2006 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger Tramp said...

JohnD, you are only scratching at the surface. The Roswell Silo has been infiltrated many times with someone even reopening the welded shut blast doors. A South Dakota silo is now a theme park. Three clowns broke into a Minuteman III nuclear missile silo in an attempt to sabotage it. I'll post links to these stories.

And I first heard the JATO story on Paul Harvey news. So I buy it.

Carrie, I'm looking to the side in that photo because that's what the policeman said to do. It is a mug shot!
I was arrested for "exceeding the maximum amount of corniness allowed by law". I pled 'not guilty by reason of stupidity'. The judge agreed.

And my office manager is a Superbabe!

And Sweet, my Head of Information does NOT "dress up like Catwoman".

She IS Catwomam!

Friday, December 01, 2006 2:22:00 PM  
Anonymous johnd said...

we need pictures of your office manager to verify the level of superbabeness

Friday, December 01, 2006 11:12:00 PM  
Blogger Tramp said...

No can do.

She forbids me to post her pic.

And I have to obey. Not only do I call her my Office Manager, I also call her my wife.

Saturday, December 02, 2006 3:11:00 AM  

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