Thursday, November 16, 2006

The (Fake) News


All the fake news thats fit to print.

TERRORIST AT HEATHROW
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!

LORENA BOBBITT'S SISTER ARRESTED
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition. Luella has been charged with one count of a misdewiener.

STATE QUARTER PROBLEM
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux. "We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

A BABY FOR THE GATES'
Bill Gates' wife gave birth last year to a baby girl. The Gates's decided that any girl born to them would be named Adelle. When the girl was born, the doctor said "Dude, you're getting Adelle!"

SURGEON PERFORMS MIRACLE
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

BIN LADEN WOUNDED
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well. I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

HINDU FACT UNCOVERED
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

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