Benefits Packages

I wondered how Doctors selected the correct prescription drug for any certain patient out of the many different types of drugs available today. So I interviewed Dr. Smith, a local Physician with a well established business in an attempt to discover how Doctors go about finding the correct drug to prescribe.

Here is that interview.

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Tramp: Good morning Doctor Smith.
Dr. Smith: Good morning. What can I do for you?
T: I am trying to find out how Doctors select the correct prescription drug for a particular patient from the myriad of available choices today.
DS: Oh, that’s easy. I use this booklet.
T: Is that the PDR?
DS: No, it is the guide to ‘Benefits Packages’.
T: I’m sorry, what?
DS: These are gifts or premiums that the pharmaceutical companies offer to Doctors in exchange for prescribing their drugs. It could be a large cash kickback, a vacation package or even a new car. They are offering many new and exciting incentives to us for selecting their product.
T: They pay you to push their drugs?
DS: It’s not a payment, it’s a gift.
T: So how does this benefit the patient?
DS: No, no. The benefit goes to the Doctor.
T: I understand that. But how does it help the patient?
DS: It insures that the patient helps in providing his Doctor with nice gifts.
T: But how does it help the patient’s infliction?
DS: I don’t follow you.
T: I believe you. Let’s try this. A patient was here last week with a back injury. You prescribed Oxycontin for him. Oxycontin is a form of heroin. Why did you prescribe that?
DS: Oh yes, I remember that. I chose that prescription because the pharmaceutical company was offering a trip to Hawaii.
T: But how did that help the patient?
DS: It allowed him to assist in sending my family to Hawaii.
T: But how did it help the patient's Infliction? What did heroin do for the patient?
DS: Oh. Well it made him feel good.
T: Feel good? That stuff made Curt Cobain feel so good that he blew his head off with a shotgun.
DS: Well he should not have done that.
T: It was the heroin that made him do it.
DS: Then he should not have taken the heroin.
T: NO ONE SHOULD TAKE HEROIN!
DS: Really?
T: Alright, let’s try this then. Hippocrates said, “First, do no harm.” But after those words left his lips, due to the Doppler Effect or some other acoustic phenomenon, when it arrived at your ears you heard, “Kill the patient.” How does that work Dr. Kevorkian, I mean Dr. Smith?
DS: I don’t follow you.
T: Of that I’m sure. Tell me this. How many patients have to die for you to get a new Mercedes?
DS: Only six. No wait, I’m not allowed to answer that.
T: Have any of your patients survived your care?
DS: A few, yes.
T: Well, I believe I have the information I was looking for. Thank you for your time Doctor. I’ll be going now.
DS: Would you like a sample of a new pill? It’s free.
T: What does it do?
DS: It allows you to try one and hopefully purchase them.
T: No, what is the result of my taking it.
DS: I get another car.
T: Goodbye Doctor.
DS: So do you want the pill?

DISCLAIMER: This story is fiction but the facts are based on the truth.