Fiction From A Twisted Mind

Misunderstandings

I went on a blind date once. I’d never met this girl before, so I was wondering what kind of a background she had. I’m sure you know how people will say one thing when they mean something entirely different. It can vary wildly among different circles.

I called her that day and asked if she would like to go out to dinner.
She said, “Are you sure? I eat like a pig.”
“That’s fine. I’ve got plenty of money”, I replied.
She didn’t say anything for a minute, and then she agreed.

We went to a nice restaurant. She said she never goes to nice places and seemed concerned.
I said, “Don’t worry about it. Just be yourself and have a good time.”

We had ordered our food and the waiter was now placing it on our table. She picked up her plate and threw the food on the floor. Then she got down on all fours and stuck her snout into it, rooting and grunting for all she was worth.

Apparently I looked shocked.

She looked up at me and said, “I mentioned this, didn’t I?”
After a few seconds I blinked a couple of times and said, “Mentioned what?”
She smiled and continued rooting and grunting.

I was performing CPR on myself, trying to get my heart to start beating again.

In a panic, desperate for an asteroid come blazing to Earth and crush me (or her, I didn’t care), I started to develop a disaster plan. Time was of the essence.

“Oh, there’s a call coming in on my cell phone. I'd better take it.” I started with.
“I didn’t hear it ring”, she said.
“Yeah, I know. Hello?” I went with.
“Oh really? Oh no! There is an emergency? Why yes boss, of course I’d be glad to help. I’ll leave now and be there shortly!” I decided on. I wanted to play this right. Otherwise, I’d have to employ the ‘Monty Python’ strategy commonly referred to as ‘run away‘.

“I have to go to work right now! It’s a big old emergency uh, thingy, umm, situation! Yeah, that’s the ticket!” I lied. But my panic was real.
“That was your boss”?”, she asked.
“Yep! Yes! Yeah, my boss. That was my boss”, I shot out way too fast.
“But you told me you owned the company”, she nailed me with.
“Did I? Oh yes, I did indeed say that. Well, you see, uh… I sold it! Yeah, it sold, um, YESTERDAY! Yeah! That’s why I forgot.” I covered my ass with.
“But you told me you owned it today.” she eyed me with.
“Oh, well… Wait! I said owned with a ‘d‘. That’s past tense, right? Yeah, that’s right. So that’s still correct.” I sweated out.
“All right”, she said. “I’ll get my coat and go with you.”
“NO!” I screamed way too loud and way too fast. “I mean no. No you can’t.”
”Why no…”
“YOU DON’T HAVE SECURITY CLEARANCE!” I pretty much barked.
“Why would I need security clearance?” she deadpanned.
“Yeah, that’s a good one. I mean, it’s because, umm…” I ran out of ideas with.
Come on, brain! Go into crisis mode!
“Oh, let’s see.” said I, while eyeing the exits.
“”I got it! How’s this? I mean this is why” I was shoveling out. I swear the whole restaurant started smelling like bullshit.
“Ï can’t tell you why. It a security, um… thingy… ISSUE!! Yeah, a security issue that I can’t tell you. You have to have security clearance.” is what I came out with.
“Well that’s okay. I work for the government. I have security clear…”
“IT’S THE WRONG KIND!” is all I could think of and spit out.
“How do you know it‘s the wrong ki…”
“IT’S THE WRONG COLOR! IT HAS TO BE A SPECIAL COLOR! I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW. MY BOSS JUST CALLED BACK”, I tried to cover all the bases with.
“I didn’t hear the phone ring again,” she said.
“You don’t have clearance”, I decided was a safe answer.
“I didn’t see you answer it either”, she said, sounding annoyed.
“Yeah, new technology”, I said.
“What?” she asked.
“I‘ve said too much already. I can’t tell you any more”, I tried to get out with.
“Well, how am I going to get home, then?” she asked. “Is a spaceship going to take me?”
“Who told you about the spaceships?” I demanded.
“You’re crazy! I’ll find my own way home!” she said as she got up.
Crazy? Maybe. I’m in a restaurant with her, aren’t I? I thought this, didn’t say it out loud.
“You are strange. Never call me again!” she ordered,
No problem. Can do. And you think I’m strange? These were my only thoughts in regard to that request.

I was going to call a farm truck, I mean taxi, for her.
But then the waiter stopped by and asked her, “Can I get you a trough?”
Man, that pig could lay down a mean slap!

I think about her from time to time. And then I grunt.