Wrightisms

How about a few words from our friend Steven Wright.

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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -

they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when

all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow,

you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis,

raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm,

but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend

but she left me before we met.

If everything seems to be going well,

you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for

not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future,

laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar,

but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed,

destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get

until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional

to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;

to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool

is that there is no lifeguard.