Saturday, March 29, 2008

Stupid Inc.


These stories come from the people who put together the annual Darwin Awards.

*****
A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and he noticed that his dog had found a bone. It was a deer leg! The man tried to take the bone away from the dog. Like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure, and stayed just out of reach.
Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. His friends called 911 and he was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries.
He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion of murder.
At least he didn't hit the dog!
*****

Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.
After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers headed back to their cabin. Up popped a jackrabbit! The snowmobilers gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, and all snowmobiles backed off... except one.
This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1. But the rabbit had other ideas. It escaped into the culvert beneath the road.
Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.
This brand of snowmobile had a fuel tank mounted in front. The culvert admitted the tip of the snowmobile, then cut into the cowling, spilling fuel over the hot engine. The body of the snowmobiler was blown twenty feet back into the field.
The rabbit's whereabouts was unknown.
*****

A woman in Canada called the narcotics agent to her house, with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it "looked like baking powder." The police dispatched an officer and the rock was tested and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.
*****

A man had the good fortune to raise a healthy marijuana plant in his back yard. But then tragedy struck. He received a phone call from the authorities, saying he was busted but they would not press charges if he brought the bush into the station. Roots and all. So he sadly hacked his 8-foot annual down and carried it into the lobby of the Sheriff's office, where startled officers took him into custody for suspected felony cultivation. Turns out the phone call was a prank.

*****
Members of a Norfolk family were lucky to escape with their skins intact when 90 gallons of petrol stored in their garage unexpectedly ignited. What led to the explosion?
It turns out that these candidates for Least Intelligent Lifeform of the Universe had decided to stockpile petrol in readiness for potential fuel blockades. They purchased large water storage cans and began collecting fuel. But the seals on water cans are not suitable for corrosive materials.
The cans leaked, and flammable fumes filled the family garage -- which also contained the house's central heating boiler. When the temperature in the house dropped, the boiler switched on, igniting the fumes and creating a petrol fireball big enough to satisfy a Hollywood director. Although nobody actually died, the family wins an Honorable Mention for their disastrous ingenuity.

*****
A professional French pickpocket used astoundingly poor judgment when selecting his most recent victim at the Seville Airport. The thief, who specializes in international events that attract crowds of visitors, thought he was in his element when he circled a group of young men and chose his prey. Little did he realize that he was dipping into the bag of Larry Wade, champion 110-meter hurdler for the US Athletic team. He was also spotted by Maurice Green, the fastest sprinter on Earth, capable of running 100 meters in 9.79 seconds. The two athletes quickly chased down the thief despite his hefty head start. The pickpocket attempted to pretend that he was just an innocent French tourist, but the entire episode was captured on film by a Spanish television crew that had been interviewing Mr. Greene at the time. "He chose the wrong man," deadpanned a spokesman for the Civil Guard.


*****

Two young men driving a dark-blue two-door vehicle removed a barricade festooned with numerous warning signs indicating bridge closure, drove past several heavy construction vehicles, and launched themselves off the end of a demolished bridge in Albuquerque on Saturday. The car careened across a roadbed of unpaved I-beams before plunging 30 feet and burying its front end in a dirt embankment at the junction of I-25 and I-40. The young men were taken into police custody unharmed. A spokesman for the state Highway and Transportation Department issued a public plea for common sense. "Don't go through those barricades. Find another route. It's the only safe thing to do." The seat belt law is strictly enforced in New Mexico, but unfortunately there is no law against stupidity.


Has anybody seen the bridge?
Where's that confounded bridge.
-Led Zeppelin

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