Quotes

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
---Rich Jeni

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
---Emo Philips

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
---Emo Philips

"I just thought of something funny... your mother."
---Cheech Marin

"The Department of Health and Human Services officially recognized obesity as a medical illness. Doctors say symptoms include shortness of breath and 'wideness' of ass."
---Conan O'Brien

Peter: Can't we tell the kids that your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother.
---The Family Guy

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
---The Family Guy

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.
---Unknown

"Billy Ray Cyrus has just released a new album. He said that God told him to make another album. Funny... God told me to not buy it."
---Craig Kilborn