And Now A Reading...

From the Book of Defecations by Jim.

Chapter 1, Verse 2.

And when thou hath gorged thy gullet with grains and fruits, a sense of evacuation from thy bowel must surely calleth thee. Heed mine words as truth and follow them as the law of the land. Taketh in hand thine scroll to a barren tract of land. Scratcheth the Earth as to form a depression that shall contain what thou must bring forth. Lo, ye shall squat and readeth thine scroll. If thou labors as to bring forth tears on thy cheek, thou must surely fill thy gullet with more grains. And if in doing so brings upon thee no comfort, thou may seek the magnesia milk of the one they call Phillip. And if upon squatting there comes forth a thunderous rumble that sprays thine precious Earth with an ocean of brown spitter-spatticus, thou must surley consume more cheese with thine wine. Lo, I shall fall upon ye ears words of great wisdom. What substance thou hast brought forth is vile and evil. For I have bestowed upon your creation a wretched stench so that ye shall not seek glory in your deeds. It shall scarcely contain life upon birth and will perish shortly thereafter from hypothermia. Lay down thy scroll and take in hand a leaf of the fig. Cleanse thee oh sphinctor with leaf in hand. And if a finger should break through thy leaf upon cleansing, speak not of this. As they among you will muse that it was the closest thou hast cometh to a piece of ass in one hundred, hundred days. And great shame will sweep over thee. Thou must pull the precious Earth back upon thy castings which thou hast created. For no one shall cast their eyes upon or step in what ye have brought forth. Take in hand many spriggs of myrrh. Move thy arm swiftly in a to and fro motion so that thou may sweeten thy surroundings from the wretched stench that lingers.