New Meds For Women

Damitol

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom’s Wort

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling roadrage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin

Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-All

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JackAsspirin

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Antitalksident

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin

More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamat

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritationas ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.