Holiday Advice From Attorney Chill

Attorney Chill, Dr. Chill’s younger brother, returns by popular demand with advice for the holiday season.
"Your free help was worth every penny," wrote one satisfied reader.
Another wrote, “You dimwitted moro...”
No, let‘s try a different one.
"Do you have malpractice insurance?" wrote ... oops, wrong again.

Okay, enough with the accolades and on with your questions.

Here is one from Ebenezer S.;
Q: I just got a Christmas card from somebody I hate. And another from someone I don't even know. Do I have to reciprocate?
Attorney Chill : Yes. You're required to send a card within ten days. Otherwise, you can be imprisoned pursuant to the Hallmark Profits Enhancement Act.
Q: Don't I have any other option?
Attorney Chill : Yes. Try a mutual fund with greeting card stocks.

This comes from Homer S.;
Q: I made a Christmas wreath out of eucalyptus leaves, berry sprigs, muslin, yarn and colorful votive candles.
Attorney Chill : Very nice, but how can I help you?
Q: Well, it looked great for a couple of days. Then it caught fire and destroyed everything I own.
Attorney Chill : I'm sorry to hear that. Next time you might consider using pinecones and potpourri.
Q: That sounds just lovely. But what I really want to know is, can I hold Martha Stewart liable?
Attorney Chill : Probably not, though you should ask for a subscription refund.

And this comes from Rosie O.’
Q: They hung mistletoe in my office, and I'm highly offended.
Attorney Chill : Why?
Q: It's sexual harassment.
Attorney Chill : I see. Has anyone ever kissed you while you were standing under the mistletoe?
Q: No.
Attorney Chill : What about when you weren't standing under the mistletoe.
Q: Certainly not.
Attorney Chill : That's what I thought.

Here is one from Marge S.;
Q: Every year I get stuck doing all shopping, cooking, cleaning, and gift wrapping, while my husband watches football and plays with the kids' new computer game.
Attorney Chill : Ooooooh, which game?
Q: QIN: Tomb of the... Wait, I don't want to talk about computer games; I want a divorce.
Attorney Chill : Then I'll need to know more. Does he help trim the tree or take care of the liquor?
Q: Oh, he takes care of the liquor all right.
Attorney Chill : Any other problems?
Q: Yes. Within hours he's broken half the gifts, and he makes me return them on the 26th.
Attorney Chill : Are malls involved?
Q: Yes, of course.
Attorney Chill : Sounds like cruel and inhuman treatment to me.

And now this from Jesus C.;
Q: My birthday falls right on Christmas and I always get short-changed. Do I have any legal recourse?
Attorney Chill : You suffer from Badly Timed Birthday Syndrome. Fortunately, last year's Anti-Discrimination and Mental Health Care Reform Bill included the Birthday Rehabilitation Act. It allows you to petition any federal judge to modify your birthday by no more than 30 days.
Q: That's great news!
Attorney Chill : You need only prove that your birthday coincides with a key holiday, causing pain and suffering and depriving you of your fair share of attention and gifts.
Q: Wow! Can I also modify my birth year?
Attorney Chill : How old are you?
Q: 2007.
Attorney Chill : I'm afraid not. But you're free to lie like everyone else.

Here is a common problem from Dick C.;
Q: Every year our best friends invite us over for New Year's brunch and make us watch home videos and help dismantle their Christmas tree.
Attorney Chill : Ah ha! Tortious Invitatious Falsious Pretentious Presidentus.
Q: That sounds serious. What can we do?
Attorney Chill : Bring your own home videos and last year's fruitcake.

Here is an annoyance from Donald T;
Q: My in-laws came for Christmas last year and didn't leave until July. What do you recommend?
Attorney Chill : Move and don't leave a forwarding address.
Q: It's too late for that. Any other suggestions?
Attorney Chill : Hire a bouncer, file suit in Landlord/Tenant Court or ...
Q: Or what?
Attorney Chill : Play an endless loop of "Little Drummer Boy." Oh, and nice hairpiece there.

And finally, a complaint from Paris H.;
Q: I want to sue Santa and I need your help.
Attorney Chill : You may have jurisdictional problems. Most process servers refuse to go to the North Pole.
Q: But this is important. Poor Chrissy's been devastated ever since Santa refused to let her sit on his lap.
Attorney Chill : That's terrible.
Q: She hasn't barked or wagged her little tail in a week.
Attorney Chill : Chrissy's a dog?
Q: Right and my Jeannie's still hysterical from the beard incident.
Attorney Chill : Beard incident? Is Jeannie a dog too?
Q: Of course not. She's a three-year-old monkey who lost her faith in Santa Claus when his beard got loose and landed on her head. Now she thinks Santa isn't real.
Attorney Chill : Santa isn't real.
Q: Oh.