Warning, Graphic Humor

Like that warning is going to slow you down.

The B3tards at B3TA came up with an excellent question of the week. It's graphic and funny. But hey, it's Saturday night.

I hurt my rude bits
The best stories always involve pain, humiliation and rude bits. Last week, we asked how you'd managed to damage your bits:

Back in the days of uni, the misses of the time and I were attempting to have filthy water-accelerated sex in one of the miniscule showers of her student housing. We tried all sorts of weird and wonderful positions to get that optimal power-thrusting position, but not with much success. After trying a few out, I decided it might be a good idea to sit on the floor and get her bouncing on top. As she prepares for the initial 'sex-landing' her foot slipped, and to avoid falling over she did the spacker dance to try and regain upward stability and, in the process, landed hard with the other foot onto my awaiting and skyward-facing cock.I screamed like a girl and did a fart simultaneously. It took weeks to recover.

I was at a young farmers dance, although i wasn't a farmer I lived in a village and you don't turn down the invites it was always a great laugh and beer flowed freely. Although they tended to be held in barns, so toilets are those porta potties. Us gents being the gents that we are leave the porta potties for the ladies to use and drained ourselves near another field. As me and another two guys were getting rid of the beer we had drank one of them does that "See how high I can pee" thing and all of a sudden drops like a sack of shit onto the fence. Starts twitching and is still pissing all over himself. Turns out the field contained cows and had an electric fence around it to stop them from leaving. oh how we laughed. Suppose he did too, he was pissing himself.

After an lenghty game of hide the sausage with his ladyfriend, and using up a large amount of calories in the process, my mate gets the munchies and pops downstairs to the kitchen to pop on some cheese on toast. The post-coital snack preparation is going well, but it's taking some time, so ladyfriend pops down to see what's going on. Seeing my friend's naked bottom was too much for the poor girl and she gives it a friendly slap....Unfortunately, my friend didn't see this coming and jolts foward in suprise, jamming his cock and balls into the hot grill. I'm not going into the details but hot cheese sticks like edible napalm. Cheesy wotsit, indeed.

Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno what the world record is but he easy got 20-30 in his duds.Full of childish pride he decides to go and show our Mum, giggling like crazy as he waddles out the bedroom in just his pants, across the landing and down the first few stairs.Now child law clearly states that the bottom four steps should never be used, so he does the kid thing and jumps them.As he gracefully flies through the air, every single marble separates in his pants... only to be brought back together at great speed on landing. Poor little buggers face went from joy to sheer agony as balls, scrote, dick and foreskin were nipped simultaneosly between the colorful glass orbs....looked like he'd been attacked by chickens according to me Mum.

My mate (who shall remain unnamed) is a bit of a deviant so and so, and has done a few odd things (self-genital-piercing is one) but the best has to be this one time when we were all at his house. He snuck off for a few and after a few minutes we heard an almighty yelp and shouts of "I can't get it out, I can't get it out!!".Said friend had his chappie stuck in a typewriter. Asked what he was doing, he said "I was trying to type my name on it..."Several hours and a trip to A&E later, and we're back in party mode. He'll never live that down though.

I didn't hurt a rude bitbut the act was rude, & it hurt the area in question.You know when you swallow something too fast sometimes, it comes out your nose? Yes, it's what you're thinking.

1982. I was 11. Woolworth's finest BMX, the Scorcher was my wheels and it looked good. Chrome body, silver pattern, blue mag wheels and a blue seat. A long, hard, pointy blue seat...My mates had grifters and old choppers and improvised racers with bull horn handlebars. My bike rocked by comparison. Off we went to the local building site where some raised manhole covers made good jumps. All was going well until I landed front wheel first. I went forward over the handlebars and performed a very elegant handstand. The BMX though continued on its path to glory and the seat (that one, the long, blue, hard one) found a handstanding young boy's bottom hole just too much to resist and entered with some force. Apparently, the sight of an 11 year old unable to move from the handstand position and screaming for a bike to be removed from his bottom was a sight to behold.

Once at a party, a friend of mine who was the most awkward person around girls finally copped off (hurrah!) She was to meet him in one of the bedrooms upstairs. He dashed over to my group of friends all excited and asked us for a few bedroom gymnasium tips."Well"; I began; "food in the bedroom is always a winner. Try something cool which when replaced with your mouth will be a very pleasant sensation (or so ive been told)" He darts to the freezer and grabs a nice fruits of the forest Solero and dissapears upstairs. Fifteen minutes later, we hear a scream emanating from upstairs. This was closely followed by a naked girl running downstairs, through the crowded room and into the downstairs loo. oh yeah, with a fruits of the forest Solero firmly attatched to her flange. Seems that icy produce is quite adhesive on wet surfaces. Imagine the tongue on a metal pole during winter. This poor girl had confectionary bonded to her clitoris. No apologies for length girth or having to wash fruity sorbet off your flaps after trying this.


Many, many more of these are here.