In-Flight Humor

I dedicate this post to my new blogging friend Carrie (she's new at blogging, not at being a friend). She used to be what is called an "In Flight Guest Technician".

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples I have heard.

"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft". "So...if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."

"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this plane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, alone voice came over the loudspeaker. "Whoa big fella, whoa"

"Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than us."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

This one pilot hammered the plane into the runway really hard. The airline has a policy which requires the first officer to stand at the door while passengers exited, smile and say "Thanks for flying with us." One little old lady with a cane asked him "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

"We'd like to thank you for flying with us today. And the next time you get an insane urge to go blasting through the sky in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."