Jokes, Real And Fake

Last summer I had a visit from a fella who wanted to sell me gutters. But I have gutters I said. But not three thousand dollar ones he said, or something like that. Not gonna happen I informed him. I have something better than three thousand dollar gutters. Good sense.

So as he was leaving he looked around and asked "How much of this land is yours?" As far as you can see in any direction I told him (I have 86 acres).
"I had a spread down in Texas" he says, "We would jump in the car and drive all day and never get to the other side of the property."
"Yeah" I said, "I used to have a car like that."

On to the jokes.

An Arkansas mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband "What is a specimen?". He replied, Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Jackie. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband. "Danged if I know.", she replied. "I asked Jackie what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

A country boy friend of mine was getting ready to go out for the evening. I asked him what he was doing. He said "I'm repairin' to head on out." I said "You mean preparing. To repair means to fix." He said "That's right, I'm fixin' to go."

A fire fighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed the little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck", the fire fighter said with admiration.
"Thank you", said the little girl.
The fire fighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "I suppose you're right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."