America The Beautiful

From Corrine.

She really is very beautiful.

Oh, and so is our Country!

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Video of 50 States.

This is a keeper!
This is very beautiful and relaxing.

Video of 50 States.

Recipe - Soft Pretzels

Chewy Philadelphia-Style Soft Pretzels
Makes 32 pretzels

Ingredients:

2 cups milk

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 cup warm water

1 (1/4-ounce) package active dry yeast or 2 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast

6 cups all-purpose or bread flour

3/4 teaspoon baking powder

1 1/2 tablespoons salt

1 large egg

1 tablespoon water

2 tablespoons coarse salt

Directions:

In a saucepan, heat milk just until bubbles form around the edge; remove from the heat and stir in brown sugar.

Stir until dissolved then set aside.

Meanwhile, combine warm water and yeast.

Let stand for 3 minutes then add the cooled milk mixture.

Beat in flour until smooth.

Cover and set aside for 45 minutes to rise.

Stir down the dough then gradually add flour, baking powder, and salt.

Place on a floured surface and knead for 5 minutes, or until smooth and elastic.

Roll into a 16 x 10-inch rectangle then cut into 1/2-inch wide strips.

Roll each strip into a rope and twist into large pretzels.

Let rise about 30 minutes.

Bring a large kettle of salted water to a boil.

Preheat the oven to 400*F.

Lower the pretzels gently into the boiling water for about 5 seconds then remove and place 2-inches apart on a greased baking sheet.

Beat egg and water and lightly brush the pretzel tops.

Sprinkle with coarse salt and bake at 400*F for 18 to 20 minutes, or until golden brown.

Source: Cooksrecipes

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And for those who prefer cheese.

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Soft Cheddar Pretzels

INGREDIENTS:
l 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar
2 tablespoons margarine
1/2 cup (2 ounces) shredded mild Cheddar cheese
2/3 cup milk
1 egg, beaten
l 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt

PREPARATION:
Combine first 4 ingredients in a medium bowl; cut in margarine with a pastry blender until mixture resembles coarse meal.

Add cheese and milk, stirring until dry ingredients are just moistened.

Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead about 12 times.
Divide dough in half and roll each half into a 12x8-inch rectangle.

Cut dough lengthwise into eight 1-inch strips.

Twist each into a pretzel shape; brush with beaten egg and sprinkle with coarse salt.

Place on lightly greased baking sheets and bake at 400° for 15 minutes or until golden brown.

Cool pretzels for a few minutes on wire racks; serve pretzels warm.

Makes about 16 soft pretzels.

SOURCE: Southern Food

Alrad Has Questions

And they are good ones!

From Alrad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

asasasasasasasasa

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

s

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...

does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
s

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

s

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

s

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

s

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
s

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

s

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

s

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

s

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

s

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

s

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

s

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

s

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

s

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
s

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
s

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:

When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?

2/28/06

That's when this thing started.

So Thursday is the Riverbank's second anniversary.

Two years of this crap.

And still going.

I guess we'll shoot for three now.

We're on our way!

Freebies

Comedy DVD

Diet Edge

Rhinaris

Gas-X

Ghirardelli Chocolate Valentine's Tote Code - Wedding Cake

Chinese Silk woven handkerchief

Compressed T-shirt

Time To Wash The Dog

From Bobby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."

Ain't It A Fact

Such A Dog!

From Corrine.

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Talking USMC Dog!

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!"

A Bargain

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today.''
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost
"'Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy.
I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.''
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well,' she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what?)

Problems

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
.

Quote

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party.

- Arllys.

Three Billies

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three Virginia Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity! "

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker."

Customer Service

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "....Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabbouttt twoo inchesss Ththiickk . . Aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch oooofffffffffff?"

Cool Websites

Mr. Picassohead

How To Impress Your Date

The Beatles Are Coming

Movie Goofs

Mr. Know-It-All's Guide To Signs

NotStarring "Your favorite stars, and the roles they didn't get"

Dirty Car Art

A Sign Post

A Real Golfer

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man, answers.
He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...maybe six ...put me down for a five."

Puppies

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.

"Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies.''

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, 'These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket,he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?''

"Sure,'" said the farmer.

And with that he let out a whistle.

"Here, Dolly!'" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said," You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

*

The world is full of people who need someone who understands

It's National Friendship Week.

Show your friends how much you care.

He's The Man

From Corrine.

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Fish Story

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy and Murphy are sitting in the pub one day having a quiet drink when a bloke walks in and slaps a 46 lb trout on the bar.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" said Paddy. "Where'd you get that?"
"Well" said the man "I go to the part of the river by the bridge and get a friend to dangle me off the side. I can just reach the water and so when a fish comes near - I grab it!"
"Aaaaaaah" exclaimed Murphy, "We will try it tomorrow!"
So the next day Paddy and Murphy set off to the bridge by the river.
Murphy is dangling Paddy over the side and after about 10 minutes Paddy yells "QUICK! Pull me up!"
"Why, have you caught a fish?" asks Murphy.
Paddy replies "No, but there's a bloody train coming!!"

Freebies

Free Pravda Vodka

Tony Ferguson Shake

Brut

Calculator

GeekFlirt

Morph

Naturalamb

ECLIPSE Driving Music, a music video DVD

Recipe

Catfish Cakes
Yield: Makes 10 servings.

* 1/4 cup grated carrots
* 1/4 cup finely chopped green onions
* 2 tablespoons butter or margarine
* 1/2 cup fish fry coating mix
* 1/2 cup cornbread mix
* 1 teaspoon baking powder
* 1 teaspoon creole seasoning
* 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
* 1/3 cup milk
* 1 egg, separated
* 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
* 1 cup cooked rice
* 1/2 pound farm-raised catfish fillets, cooked and flaked
* 1 tablespoon vegetable oil

Cook carrots and onions in butter in small skillet over medium heat until tender crisp; set aside. Combine fish fry coating mix, cornbread mix, baking powder, creole seasoning, and black pepper in large bowl.
Blend milk with egg yolk and hot pepper sauce; stir rice, fish, carrot mixture, and milk mixture into dry ingredients.
Beat egg white until stiff but not dry.
Fold in beaten egg white.
Heat oil in large skillet over medium-high heat.
Drop batter by 1/4 cup into skillet; flatten with back of spoon.
Turn cakes when golden brown.
Drain on paper towels.

In The News

Dog honored for blood donations
HOWELL, Mich. (UPI) -- A 2-year-old English mastiff is being honored by the Livingston County American Red Cross in Howell, Mich., for donating blood more than 20 times. The 200-pound dog, named Lurch, has been named one of the organization's "Everyday Heroes" for his blood donations, which include a donation that saved the life of a dog that swallowed rat poison, the Livingston County (Mich.) Daily Press & Argus reported Tuesday. "The blood itself goes to a lot of places like MSU (Michigan State University) and goes to certain clinics," said Joni Melvin-Thiede, Lurch's owner. "You really don't end up knowing which dogs he helps, but his little picture goes on each bag so the person that gets it will actually know it." Melvin-Thiede said Lurch donates blood about once a month. The dog and his owner have been invited to the Red Cross "Everyday Heroes" banquet, scheduled for Thursday at the Crystal Gardens center. "We just did it because he seems to like to go out," Melvin-Thiede said of Lurch's donations. "We didn't know we were going to get to go to Crystal Gardens."

Prevent Assault, Never Stop Talking

That statement sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? However, according to those geniuses we call lawmakers, it is accurate. Stay with me on this one, it is worth it.

According to the law, by definition an assault takes place when someone threatens to harm another person. You do not have to touch the person, only communicate a threat verbally. Actually striking a person is battery, not assault. Therefore, if you never stop talking, to the point of not allowing that person to get one word in edgewise, that person cannot assault you. So then, if you refuse to “shut up for two seconds so I can get just one short word in dammit!”, you are, in effect, preventing an assault from occurring. If a person cannot speak, then according to the law, he cannot commit assault.

So feel free to speak freely, and continuously. If anyone tells you that you talk too much, enlighten them to the fact that you are doing all you can to prevent assaults and make this world a safer place for everyone.

Then ridicule the person for attempting to prevent you from preventing crime!

On a slightly different note, what exactly does the crime of ‘Attempted Assault’ encompass?

I would imagine the exchange between a victim and the police officer would have to sound something like this:

Police Officer: So you say this person committed the crime of Attempted Assault. What did he say?
Victim: He did not say anything.
PO: So where is the crime in that?
V: He was about to say that he would kick my ass.
PO: How do you know he was going to say that?
V: I know. He had that ‘look’!
PO But he didn’t say anything?
V: No, that’s why it’s attempted assault!
PO: So how did you stop him?
V: I started talking.
PO: Smart move, that’ll fix him! We’ll throw the book at him.
Perpetrator: OWW! That’s a heavy book! And it’s hardcover too! You guys are pretty harsh around here!

HELP !!!

From Carrie.
.
I was hoping I never had to say this, but this one is real.
Oh my God.

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The FBI link to this case is HERE.