Insulting Music

Songs have some very good insults in them.

How do you add class to an insult? Add music to it!

If you have any favorites, send them to me and I'll post them with your name.

Here are three of my favorites.

From Steely Dan;
“You’ve been telling me you’re a genius since you were seventeen,
In all the time I’ve known you, I still don’t know what you mean.”

From Nirvana;
“I wish I was like you,
Easily amused.”

And from Pat Dailey;
“You don’t have to drink to be an asshole.”

Does Tired Equal Stupid?

Allow me to embarrass myself with a true story from tonight..

I have been extremely busy at my company. We have many large orders to fill and while this is a good thing for the company, not the same is true for me as no one else can do what I do at the company. So I’ve been working at least sixteen hours a day, six days a week for three weeks now. I went to work Monday morning and did not come home until Wednesday night. I did not come home Thursday night, instead sleeping on the floor of my office for a few hours. And believe you me, it gets exhausting. I am down right dog-tired most of the time.

How tired is that? Let me tell you. I don’t think any of you have ever been this tired. And by this tired, I mean this stupid. And again yes, I am extremely embarrassed by this story.

I left work tonight with my butt dragging way behind me. So tired was I that my brain seemed to have ceased functioning. You may not believe this, but as God is my witness, this story is true.

Today being a Friday during Lent, I am supposed to eat no meat. And I don‘t, no heathen am I. So I decided to go to a local Burger King, as they have fish sandwiches on sale. And the fish is good there.

I hit the drive thru with about five minutes left before they close. I ask for two fish sandwiches, one for me and one for my dog. The girl tells me to pull up to the window. I pull up and there is a pretty girl working there who is in her mid twenties. She sees me and snatches the bag of food back. She says that those sandwiches are old and she wants to make up some fresh ones for me. She asks me to pull up to the door and wait. I do, not really caring because I am so tired. I probably would have been happy eating the bag.

Minutes pass and out she comes with an enormous bag of food. She tells me that she made new sandwiches for me and threw in some other stuff as well. A mountain of fries, some cookies and other things. She hands it to me and smiles.

Now it gets strange. And I honestly missed this entire conversation even though I was in it (I’m tired, remember? I cannot say that enough).

She asks me if I like fish. I say yes, I do, thinking why would I order it if I didn’t like it? She says that she likes guys who like fish. I miss it. She then says that she likes meat. I miss it and say something like, “to each his own“. She then tells me that she is getting off of work right now. I say, “Good, now you can go and do what you want”. Then I say, “Well, enjoy your night, I’ll see you”, and drive away. I wonder why she looks so shocked.

About a half mile up the road, it hits me. I blush, really! I feel like the stupidest person alive. Now don’t get me wrong, I would not have taken her up on the offer even if I had realized what she was talking about. I am married and have never cheated on my wife. That is true. But I can’t believe how stupid I must have come off as to her. And that’s embarrassing. And that’s how tired I really am. A conversation like that with a pretty young girl went right over my head. I didn’t have a clue.

In retrospect, I am so glad that I did not say, “I like meat too!”

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I Don't See The Problem

Sam seems to think there is a problem with men buying children's clothing.

I must be missing something. There's no problem from where I'm standing.

Unless, of course, YOU have a problem with a baby that ROCKS!

Because, after all, shouldn't all babies ROCK?

Oh, wait. I think that's suppose to be BABES.

Whatever. Everyone should ROCK!

Yeah, that's it!
.
.

.

These photos were blatantly pilfered from the blog of Samantha Burns, the best and best looking blogger in Canada.

Oh, and by the way, Sam ROCKS!

And she's a BABE!

Security

Security is a good thing. I've found a site with many good security tips.

It doesn't give you stupid and useless crap, like many other sites seem to (Always travel in pairs. Now who the hell can do that?).

For example, if you are heading out alone at night, they correctly tell you to skip the pepper spray and learn a Martial Art instead. That is great advice.

The site is here.

Hey, Martial Arts are not that hard to learn. I did!

Okay, ladies, here is your first Martial Art lesson.
When you alone at night and sense you are in peril, here is an easy way out.

Take your hand and hold it up like you are saying STOP. Now, keep you hand in this position and fold down your fingers at the second knuckle from the tips. Leave your hand in this position and turn it 90 degrees so it is now sideways. Strike with your lower palm aiming for the center of your assailant's neck. You don't have to hit hard, as this is a deadly move. But it will instantly stop the biggest man you could encounter. He will not be breathing correctly for a little while. And when a man can't breathe, he thinks of nothing else. Use this time to flee.

Atheism

Atheist. Agnostic. Whatever.

Good luck to ya.

You're gonna need it!

Here's Carrie describing one such predicament.

Myself, I don't believe in Atheists

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny My existence for all these years,
teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Carrie's Quote Of The Day

Or of the night.
Or maybe tomorrow?

Whatever. Here's Carrie.

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Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, "This is the real me," and when you have found that attitude, follow it.- William James

Dr. Wal-Mart

Here is a scary thought from Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
(Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant.
Twins.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart !

A Terrible Joke

Terrible, I tell you!

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A freelance photographer decided he wasn't making any money shooting scenic pictures for magazines like National Geographic, so he decided to change his style and shoot porn instead. He had a fabulous idea for a theme and was certain it would make him a big name in the business, but it would require a model he called 'a true blonde.'

He began interviewing models, but none of them were quite what he was looking for. After weeks of searching, he began to get depressed, thinking he'd never find the perfect model. He stopped in a coffeehouse and ordered some coffee... and that's when he saw her.

The waitress was perfect! She had platinum blonde hair that fell below her shoulder blades, a gorgeous face and a body all men want and all women wish they had. Excitedly, he asked her if she'd ever done any nude posing before. She shrugged and said she hadn't, but for the right price, she would.

"I have only one question," he asked. "Are you a true blonde?"
"I've never, ever dyed my hair, if that's what you mean,"she answered.
So he gave her his card and told her to meet him the next day at his studio.

When she arrived, he told her to get undressed and step onto the stage he had set up. She undressed and he noticed that her pubic hair was black.

Frowning he said, "You said you were a true blonde! What a waste of my time this is."

She gestured to him sweetly and walked him over to his desk. She took his hand and sensually placed it palm down onto his desk, then suddenly grabbed a huge paperweight and slammed it onto his hand as hard as she could.

When he cussed and screamed at her in agony she just smirked.

"Awe, look at that," she cooed, "it's turning black, and it was only banged once."

From Sweet To S-Girl

Southern Girl wants to know more about Geno....
So Southern Girl, sit back, relax and enjoy listening to the lyrics and meet my Geno...

Sweet

Free Bird Live


Here is a little more for Southern Girl to go with her video...

Love to all
Sweet xoxoxoxo

Geno & Sweet

What is the best aspect of the Geno-Sweet relationship?

The mutual admiration they share for one another.

With Geno as the initiator and Sweet as the one who follows through, they both have their vital niche within the friendship.

When Geno and Sweet come together day or night, the sparks fly! Both are passionate and dynamic, with a strong love. There is a lot of action in this relationship. Both want to be the boss and problems can arise when their equally large egos get in the way. These friends have genuine admiration and respect for each other. This friendship is all about fiery passion, domination and who's on top -- and when!

Geno and Sweet are energy archetypes, and together they make a good combination -- they understand each other because they are coming from the same place. Sweet is all about individuality and Geno is all aggressive energy, so they are highly compatible in the friendship.

Both have boundless energy, so both will always be on the go. Geno is always moving on to the next challenge and Sweet understands his individuality and sets him free. However, they are both loyal and care about each other deeply, and their friendship cannot be compared to any other.

Carrie Has The New Darwin Awards

These are almost unbelievable.

Almost!

Here's Carrie.

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2006 DARWIN AWARDS

In case you’ve been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are!
The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human-gene pool.

Just think... until these events occurred, these same people were ‘walking the streets’… just like normal people.

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5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo , California, man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. David Hubal, a 22-year old, was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital . The accident occurred about 3:00 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked-up a ski run called Stump Alley, and ‘undid’ some yellow-foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers.
The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope, and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

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4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth, and walked-out without paying.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had lodged… choking him to death.

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3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag that was standing above him on an overhanging rock. He was killed instantly… when it fell on him.

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2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party."
A man at a West Virginia party… probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 cal bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck… popped a blasting cap into his mouth, and then bit down, triggering an explosion that blew-off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit-down on the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off, and this guy said, ‘I'll show you how to set it off’."
He put it into his mouth, bit-down, and it blew all his teeth out… and his lip and tongue off… Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

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1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will soon be released from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, age 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass , Oregon .
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone one-millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut, and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8- 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own, he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."
No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

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Now… THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
The late John Pernicky and his friend, the late Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington , decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop-over” the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence, with the plan being for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence, then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for the late Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly-halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut-away his shorts… to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body, and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety… by tying the rope to the pickup truck, and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse, and crashed through the fence… landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck… being dead at the scene from massive internal-injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it: half-naked, his body badly-scratched, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations Gentlemen! You win!

The Richest Fictional People

Who are the richest people in the fictional world?

I'm talking about characters from movies, TV shows, comic strips and the like.

If you've ever wondered, here are the top fifteen and their fictional net worth.

1. Santa Claus - Estimated at infinite.
2. Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks - $27.3 billion
3. Richie Rich - $17 billion
4. Lex Luthor - $10.1 billion
5. C. Montgomery Burns - $8.4 billion
6. Scrooge McDuck - $8.2 billion
7. Jed Clampett - $6.6 billion
8. Bruce Wayne - $6.5 billion
9. Thurston Howell III - $5.7 billion
10. Willy Wonka - $2.3 billion
11. Arthur Bach - $2 billion
12. Ebenezer Scrooge - $1.7 billion
13. Lara Croft - $1 billion
14. Cruella De Vil - $1 billion
15. Lucius Malfoy - $900 million

Brain Teasers

A set of riddles from Corrine.

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Study the five brain teasers, then, see if you can answer without looking at the answers.
I find these very interesting!!!!!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Answers are below...

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.
.
.
.


ANSWERS:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman is a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Charcoal.

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

5. The letter "e" - the most common letter in the English language - is missing from the entire paragraph!

Costume Insanity, Or As Carrie Put It, OMGWTF

Somewhere, somehow and for some reason, Carrie found this... um... costume thing.

No explanation is necessary.

Or even possible, I believe.

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For the Family that likes to wear
THEME Halloween Costumes...
it is never to early to start planning for the Holiday.
.
.

Two Wolves

Corrine has an old Cherokee tale that rings true.

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This is the best I have ever heard it explained!
.
.


.
The Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grand son thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,

"The one you feed."


Read this again.... let it sink in....

Mental

Corrine has this reminder for us.

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This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
.
.


.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

Scary Little Girls

Here is a quiz for lovers of the horror movie genre.

Scary Little Girls

A Great Video From Lil Sis

Colleen sends in this story and link to a great video.

Members of the United States Military Service are the greatest people in the world.

Did you thank them today? I did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you feel as strongly as I do about our Military service men and women, please read on.
Casa D' Ice has teamed up with the Kiger Brannon Band to promote a charitable cause that we both feel extremely strong about. In my opinion, no one deserves more respect than our true American heroes, the fighting men and women of the armed forces. And when a soldier goes to war, so does his family.
My friends, The Kiger Brannon Band have recorded a song and created a wonderful music video that tells the story. The below link will take you to the page where you can watch it.

Link to video is here.

I hope the video moves you. If it does, please consider donating to the charity. 100% of the money goes directly to the charity through their own web site. The link to donate is on the page with the video.
Also, if you like the video, please pass this info to others that you know who might also enjoy it.
Thank you,

Your friend,
Bill Balsamico
aka "The Sign Changer"
Owner, Casa D' Ice
North Versailles, PA

The Ballerina

Humor from Carrie.

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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun-dress, walked into a Pub in Dublin .
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The Pub went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The barman approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Trivia Quiz: Weird City Names

Going no place for your vacation this summer? Why not go to No Place, England instead -- or to one of the ten cities listed below? Believe it or not, these are all real place names. Can you guess in which state or country each one is located?

Southern Girl gets a free one on this quiz!

Question 1: Bong Bong
A: Wales B: Poland C: Australia D: Scotland

Question 2: Cut Off
A: Texas B: Louisiana C: Alabama D: California

Question 3: Eyebrow
A: England B: New Zealand C: Mexico D: Canada

Question 4: Who'd Thought It
A: Maine B: Texas C: Florida D: California

Question 5: Eek
A: Montana B: Minnesota C: Alaska D: Pennsylvania

Question 6: Saint-Louis du Ha! Ha!
A: Canada B: Ireland C: France D: Portugal

Question 7: Moron
A: India B: Japan C: Spain D: Mongolia

Question 8: Paint Lick
A: Georgia B: Alabama C: Virginia D: South Carolina

Question 9: Matching Tye
A: Canada B: Scotland C: Wales D: England

Question 10: Zzyzx
A: Washington B: Hawaii C: California D: Missouri


Answers

Question 1: Bong Bong
A: Wales
Question 2: Cut Off
B: Louisiana
Question 3: Eyebrow
D: Canada
Question 4: Who'd Thought It
B: Texas
Question 5: Eek
C: Alaska
Question 6: Saint-Louis du Ha! Ha!
A: Canada
Question 7: Moron
D: Mongolia
Question 8: Paint Lick
B: Alabama
Question 9: Matching Tye
D: England
Question 10: Zzyzx
C: California

Geno, A Confirmed Bachelor

Geno is single by choice.
Why? Here’s why!

Geno avoids Bride-Eyed women.
Geno believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
Geno believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
Geno can get into bed from either side.
Geno can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
Geno can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
Geno can't be Spouse-Broken.
Geno cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Geno is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
Geno knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
Geno leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
Geno likes his Girl Friend just the way she is... Single!
Geno never makes the same mistake once.
Geno never met a girl he couldn't live without.
Geno, when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
Geno, when he opens the window in his house, more dust blows out than in.
Geno would rather mend his socks than his ways.

WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF

Amnesia?...What did you just ask me?
Apathy?...I don't care.
Bigotry?...I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Egotistical?...I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive?...Go do your homework.
Flatulent?...That question really stinks!
Ignorance?...I don't know.
Indifference?...It doesn't matter.
Influenza?...You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia?...I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Irreverent?...I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Narcissism?...Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Over-Protective?...I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Paranoid?...You probably think I don't know the answer, don't you?
Procrastination?...I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive?...I already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered?...Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Suspicious?...Why are you asking me all these questions?

Thanks go to Melissa for this one.

Real Product Warning Labels

Yes they are!

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how???.......)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down. (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating. (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body. (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness.. (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to.....what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts.(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A Challenge To All Attorneys

Here is a tough one for you.
Try and find case law to support this arguement!
Or even a reference!
It's not gonna happen. No way!

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Man: Ex' Sex Change Should End Alimony
CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Lawrence Roach agreed to pay alimony to the woman he divorced, not the man she became after a sex change, his lawyers argued Tuesday in an effort to end the payments. But the ex-wife's attorneys said the operation doesn't alter the agreement.

The lawyers and Circuit Judge Jack R. St. Arnold agreed the case delves into relatively unchartered legal territory. They found only a 2004 Ohio case that addressed whether or not a transsexual could still collect alimony after a sex change.

"There is not a lot out there to help us," St. Arnold said.
Roach and his wife, Julia, divorced in 2004 after 18 years of marriage. The 48-year-old utility worker agreed to pay her $1,250 a month in alimony. Since then, Julia Roach, 55, had a sex change and legally changed her name to Julio Roberto Silverwolf.

"It's illegal for a man to marry a man and it should likewise be illegal for a man to pay alimony to a man," Roach's attorney John McGuire said. "When she changed to man, I believe she terminated that alimony."

Silverwolf did not appear in court Tuesday and has declined to talk about the divorce. His lawyer, Gregory Nevins, said the language of the divorce decree is clear and firm - Roach agreed to pay alimony until his ex-wife dies or remarries.

"Those two things haven't happened," said Nevins, a senior staff attorney with the national gay rights group Lambda Legal.
Arnold is considering the arguments. But lawyers on both sides agreed Tuesday that Roach will likely have to keep paying alimony to Silverwolf.

The judge poked holes in several of Roach's legal arguments and noted that appeals courts have declined to legally recognize a sex change in Florida when it comes to marriage. The appellate court "is telling us you are what you are when you are born," Arnold said.

In the Ohio case, an appeals court ruled in September 2004 that a Montgomery County man must continue to pay $750 a month in alimony to his transsexual ex-wife because her sex change wasn't reason enough to violate the agreement.

Roach's other attorney, John Smitten, said the case falls into a legal void.

"It's probably something that has to be addressed by the Legislature," Smitten said. "There is one other case in the entire United States. It really needs to be addressed either for or against the concept of eliminating alimony for that reason."
Roach, who has since remarried, said has been unable to convince state and federal lawmakers to tackle the issue. He said he will continue to fight.

"This is definitely wrong. I have a right to move forward with my life. I wish no harm and hardship to that person," Roach said of his ex-wife. "They can be the person they want to be, to find happiness and peace within themselves. I have the right to do the same. But I can't rest because I'm paying a lot of money every month."

The legal fight is the second transsexual rights showdown in Pinellas County in less than a week. On Friday, transsexual activists from around the country packed a City Commission meeting in neighboring Largo to oppose the firing of City Manager Steve Stanton after he announced he was a transsexual.

Despite the support, commissioners voted 5-2 to fire Stanton.

Good Bad Worse

I like these if they are well done.

These are well done.

Thanks go to Dave for these.

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Just When You Think You Have It Bad, It Gets Worse...

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's thirteen.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.B
ad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

Sweet And Geno Pic

Here is a photo of Sweet and Geno together.

They say when two people spend a lot of time together, they become more alike.

Maybe, but I think this is going overboard!

You know that Geno is not going to change. No way. No how. Not gonna happen!

So Sweet had to make up for both of them.

She told me she likes the change.

I told her that I liked the old Sweet much better!
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Post Number 2600

Two thousand and six hundred of these things have been put on this site.
Does that make me long winded?

This one goes to Trev. He has a few good ones.

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A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?"
She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and then replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a man I don't know for a million dollars."
The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"
Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not! How could you ask me such a thing?"
The man states, "Well, we've already established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the price."

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor. After the election results were in, a horde of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.
A young reporter walked up to him and said," Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies ...I even heard that you kissed a parakeet. "
The Mayor replied, "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet... I kissed a cockatoo."

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold- medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

North And South

Carrie has a lighthearted look at the differences we have in our country. If you want to get away and see life in different cultures, you don't even have to leave the U. S. of A.!

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The North and South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper!

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. Aft er all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Tell this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it. Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

Oh, There It Is!

Carrie has a sad but probably very true story.

I wouldn't know.
I don't watch TV.
And my laptop doesn't have a remote.

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Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote.

Freebies, With A Special Sweet Treat!

I'm starting today's freebies with a special freebie just for Sweet!

Free "Got Poop?" bumper sticker, Fridge Magnet & "The Scoop" newsletter.

Ball® Simple Creations® Mild Fiesta Salsa Mix Code: t0h01

Free sample of CARNATION INSTANT BREAKFAST® Not available everywhere.

Healthy Coffee, Cocoa or Tea

FREE ticket to the Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach on Friday, April 13, 2007

Jazz CD

$25 Prepaid Visa for Test Driving a Mazda

Free 12 Song CD

Pork Chomps Dog Treats

Here's Carrie On Summer

You
Know
it's
Almost
Summer
When
The
Girls
Start
Showing
Off
Their
Belly
Buttons!
.
.

I hope you have a nice day... Once you recover.

Don't Worry?

Corrine has a story about an interesting predicament here!

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Hi-Tech Milking Machine

A farmer from Harrisburg ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.

He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, Ron decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone
(Thank goodness for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.

Scam Warning

Corrine has uncovered a new scam being perpetrated on unsuspecting citizens.
Police officials are referring to this scam as 'The AFLAC Scam'.

She has the details here. Remember, knowledge is power!

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Watch out for this scam.
Police are urging visitors to the City Center to be especially vigilant for a new gang operating a slick routine that is aimed at stealing from unwary persons. They say that the gang usually comprises four members, one adult and three cute little ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" with a show of friendliness and fun, the fourth---the eldest---sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle undetected through his or her pockets and bags for any valuables being carried. The below picture, taken by an alert passerby using a cell phone, shows the gang in operation.
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Geno Has A New Tat

Here is an exclusive photo of Geno's new tat, courtesy of Sweet.

He sure knows how to pick 'em.
.
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Carrie's Easter Funnies

Carrie has some funnies for the upcoming holiday.
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Daring

A story from Sweet

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DARE--DOUBLE DARE--DOUBLE DOG DARE--TRIPLE DOG DARE

Geno and I have spent the better part of our relationship daring each other to do things, which are socially unacceptable and/or just downright crazy…

Last weekend, as we fished in a lake where the cold water comes down out of the mountains from the melting snow, I issued a dare that is not a definition, it is a proposition. I dared Geno to jump in the lake.

The weather was nice low 80’s… And of course he countered (I will if you will), and waited for the first counter of the dare, the double dare… Geno knows I don’t do lake water, so he thought he had me… I just had to find something to up the ante. I was setting the stage for the counter offer (the double dog dare). Thus, I put my mind to work and found a new wager.

I explained I had forgotten the beach towels, which were really on the boat. However, I did find my baby blue agile sweater. Therefore, I double dog dared Geno wear my blue sweater after his quick swim. Well we all know what was going to happen next of course, the dreaded triple dare minus the dog… Geno said, “I will jump in and take a swim and wear the sweater, but I triple dare you to go in naked…

Once again, I had to up the pot. Sure, I said I would go swimming naked and then issued a triple dog dare; you go swimming naked and only wear the sweater afterwards, while I drive the boat at a high rate to speed dry your wet cold body.

Then I heard something I have never heard before in my life… A triple black dog double dare to infinity from Geno. It was nothing to laugh about, I was scared. I had to swim naked and drive the boat at a high rate of speed for the remaining time on the lake, or give Geno the title of 'Best Triple Black Dog Darimater' (A person that dares people to do things to people). In this case, I was going to do things to myself.

Following the ultimate dare from Geno, I had to make sure this “dare” really did exist. To my surprise, and to make a long story short, the black dog part of the dare is supposed to be shocking and cause trouble.

THEREFORE, GENO I NOW nickname YOU!

“THE BEST TRIPLE BLACK DOG DARIMATER OF ALL TIME”

Love ya,
Sweet xoxoxoxox