Thursday, May 31, 2007

Terrorist Captured!

From Carrie.

Those terrorists sure are ugly, aren't they?

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This just in!
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It's a terrorosieist!

I Am An Idiot

Have you ever done something you immediately regretted?

Let me tell you about it.

I had a toothache. This tooth had been bothering me for about two weeks now. Being a man, I didn't do anything about it until it was ready to kill me. Yesterday, it was ready to kill me.
So I called the dentist and told him I needed something done right now! He said something that amounted to ‘not right now’. I told him if he didn't do something right now, I would. He stuck to his guns. And I stuck to mine.


Yep, I pulled my tooth myself.

And yep, I immediately regretted it.

Still do.

Sometimes, I am an idiot.

What I Am

From Carrie.
This is the second Republican I've ever liked. The first was Reagan.
And no, I'm not a Democrat either.
It's just that Republicans are usually a lot like, well, Bush!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

$104,655.60 Ad in the Washington Post
Here is someone with the money to fund a rebuttal to what Howard Dean , Democratic National Committee Chairman, said recently that many Republican have never done an honest day's work in their life. The following full page ad was placed in the Washington Post by a businessman named George J. Esseff, Sr. He paid $104,655.60 to run the ad and only did it because he is sick and tired of the way that "the rich" are portrayed by liberals these days. It is a great read.


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************************************************************

Maybe you're a Republican?
In today's America ask a growing number of high school and college students, their teachers and professors, the self-anointed media elite and/or hard working men and women of all ethnicities, the question, "What is a Republican?" and you'll be told ".. a rich, greedy, egotistical individual, motivated only by money and the desire to accumulate more and more of it, at the expense of the environment, the working poor....and all whom they exploit..."I am a Republican - And I am none of those things....and I don't know any Republicans who are!

WHAT I AM first and foremost, is a loving husband of some 52 plus years, the father of four and an American who's proud of his country...and his country's heritage

WHAT I AM is the grandson of immigrants who risked every-thing, including their lives and those of their children, to escape tyranny in search of freedom.WHAT I AM is a man who grew up during the Depression and witnessed first hand the effects of the Stock Market crash and the soup lines that followed. I watched as both my parents and grand parents, who had very little themselves, share what food they had with a half dozen other families, who had even less.

WHAT I AM is someone who worked his way through college by holding down three and four jobs at a time and then used that education to build a better life.

WHAT I AM is a husband who at age 24 started his own business for the "privilege" of working 60, 70 and 80 hours a week, risking everything I had including my health, in search of a better life for myself and my loved ones.

WHAT I AM is a businessman whose blood, sweat and tears....and plenty of them..., made it possible for me to provide a secure living not only for my family and myself, but also for literally hundreds of my employees throughout the years. Employees who in turn were able to buy their own homes, raise their own families and give back to their communities and their country.

WHAT I AM is a man who believes in God; a God who has blessed this country... and all for which it stands.

WHAT I AM is someone who knows, if you doubt miracles exist in today's world, you need only to look into the face of those who received them....and the eyes of those who give them.

WHAT I AM is an American who's proud that his President embraces a belief in God; proud of a President who understands, as "politically incorrect" as it may be, there is evil in this world and for the security and safety of all freedom loving people everywhere, it must be confronted...and it must be defeated.

WHAT I AM is an American who takes comfort in the knowledge that our President refuses to allow decisions concerning the very safety and security of this nation, to be governed by the political whims of foreign governments.

WHAT I AM is tired of hearing from leading Democrats who see only negativity in America ; racism in her people; class warfare in her society and "political incorrectness" in her character.

WHAT I AM is a former democrat who now understands that it is the soldier and not the reporter that guarantees us our freedoms of press, speech and dissent.

WHAT I AM is a man who believes in the sanctity of life. A man who is repulsed by the pandering of the political left for votes, at the expense of the unborn.

WHAT I AM is a husband and father who believes in the sanctity of marriage and the preservation of the family unit.

WHAT I AM is a ex-movie goer who is repulsed by those insecure, socially inept, elementary thinking, ego-inflated "entertainers" who have appointed themselves "experts" in the fields of national security and geo-politics and then use their forum to attack this nation, its leaders and its actions....much to the delight and encouragement of our enemies.

WHAT I AM is an American who understands the difference between "censorship" and "choice." Evidently, these individuals do not, because when these same "celebrities" receive public ridicule for their offensive actions, the first thing they yell is "censorship."What they seem incapable of understanding is...the right of free speech and dissent is shared equally by those offended...as well as those who offend. I support and will continue to support those films and performers whom I choose to and refuse to support those I don't. It is my right as an American a right I will continue to enthusiastically exercise.

WHAT I AM is a voter, tired of politicians who every time their voting records are subjected to public scrutiny, try to divert attention from their political and legislative failures by accusing their opponents of "attack ads" and "negative campaigning"....and the news media who allow them to get away with it.

WHAT I AM is a Catholic who loves his God and his Faith....and who's been taught to respect all religions whose teachings are based in love, peace and charity. As such, I am embarrassed and ashamed of those individuals in both private and public life whose decisions and actions are devoid of any sense of character or morals; individuals who are only driven by what's best for them....rather than what's right... often times at the expense of many....including our national security.

WHAT I AM is a realist who understands that the terrorist attack that murdered hundreds of innocent Russian children could have occurred here, in our heartland. That's why I sincerely believe America needs now, more than ever, a President who sees with a clear and focused vision and who speaks with a voice when heard by both friend and foe alike is understood, respected and believed.

WHAT I AM is eternally grateful to Ronald Reagan for having the bravery to speak out against Communism and the courage of his convictions in leading the fight to defeat it; and George W. Bush for the vision, courage, conviction and leadership he has shown in America 's war on terrorism amidst both the constant and vicious, personal and political attacks both he and his family are made to endure.

WHAT I AM is a human being, full of numerous faults and failures, but a man nonetheless who though not always successful has continually strived to do "what's right" instead of "what's easy." A man who is challenging the religious leaders of all faiths, to not only preach to their congregations the fundamentals of "what's right" and "what's wrong," but to also then hold them accountable for their actions in both the public and private sectors.

WHAT I AM is disgusted with the Courts who on one hand call the murder of a pregnant woman a "double homicide," but then refer to the abortion of her baby as "pro-choice".

WHAT I AM is someone deeply troubled by a political party which embraces a candidate whose primary "leadership" qualities center around his protesting of the Vietnam war and his labeling the honorable men and women who fought in it, (50,000 of whom gave their lives in that action), as rapists, and war criminals ( John Kerry ).That same political party then stepped forward this year to block the appearance of a true Vietnam war hero, retired Admiral and former United States Senator, Jeremiah Denton, (a man who spent seven years and seven torturous months in a North Vietnam prison), from speaking before an open session of the California legislature as part of that state's 4th of July celebration. The reason Democrats gave for refusing to allow this American hero to speak before their state legislature was because of the "conservative" nature of his views. As an American, that troubles me deeply....as well it should you. (Are you listening Mr. D?)

WHAT I AM is a man who feels the need to spend, ONE HUNDRED & FOUR THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED & FIFTY FIVE DOLLARS ($104, 655.60, tax paid) of his own money, to purchase this advertisement, in order to set the story straight. Some may say this money would have been better spent feeding the world's poor. At the risk of sounding self-serving, as an American and as a Republican, for the last six decades of my life, I have done exactly that...and more. Following the examples of my parents and grand parents, I have used my earnings to feed the poor, shelter the homeless, provide housing for the elderly and medical care for the sick.....and continue to do so...and I'm not alone in that work.

WHAT I AM is someone who is paying for this announcement at my sole expense in hopes of opening the eyes of those led blindly by ill-informed elements of our great nation, who, through either ignorance, or malicious intent, repeatedly attack and belittle those of us who belong to a political party that holds true to the belief, "The rights of the governed, exceed the power of the government." For those interested, I am speaking only as a tax-paying individual who is in no way associated with the Republican National Committee, nor with any of its directors, or delegates.

WHAT I AM is a man who understands, "the American way of life" is a message of self-empowerment for all.

WHAT I AM is an American who is grateful that our nation gives each of us the opportunity of self-determination and the right to benefit from the fruits of self achievement.

WHAT I AM is an American who wants to preserve that way of life for all who seek it.

WHAT I AM is blessed to be an American.... and proud to be a Republican.

Pretty powerful stuff.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Lincoln-Kennedy Coincidence


Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Freebies

One Year Subscription To Alternative Medicine

Mary Kay

Colgate

John Frieda

Joico K-Pak

Southern Hospitality

From Corrine.

Infidels, is that right?

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Some of you will enjoy this more than others - Southerners can be so polite!

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Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.

Pause:

Static..

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.

INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.

Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- y'all hear?

English Language

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Presidential Quote Of The Week


From the greatest President in our lifetime.


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“Memorial Day is an opportunity to remember that those who died in the defense of our country were serving an even higher cause. As we honor their memory today, let us pledge that their lives, their sacrifices, their valor shall be remembered for as long as God gives life to this nation. As a tribute to their sacrifice, let us renew our resolve to remain strong enough to deter aggression, wise enough to preserve and protect our freedom, and thoughtful enough to promote lasting peace throughout the world.” - Ronald Reagan

The Bucket Game

Here is a new way to keep yourself entertained!

And it's from Sweet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just found a new game and it deals with poo....my area of expertize....
this one is for "A"..............

Sweet
xoxoxoxo

Crapping In a Bucket Game (the high building version)
Crapping in a bucket from a very high building may not be a very catchy name; but it sure as hell is an addictive sport.
The rules are self-explanatory but I will try to explain. What it means you to do is place a bucket at the base of a very high building (say the empire state building) go to the top, drop your pants; perch your bare ass over the edge and squeeze out a steamer aiming for the bucket below.


Points
Getting it in the bucket (a hole in one): 15 pts
Hitting the rim of the bucket (a rimmer): 10 pts
Hitting within an inch of the bucket (a pavement cake): 5 pts
Further away (a man made meteor): 0 pts

Vodka


Corrine dug up a list containing some interesting uses for Vodka that has been circulating on the 'net.

Not all of them are true, but a couple are useful.

Corrine has included the truth about each item on this list.


I know of one other use that works. I can personally attest to it myself!

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The Many Ways to Use Vodka

1. If you soak a plaster or a bandage with vodka you can remove it from your body smooth and painless.
This is true.
2. You can clear your faucets with vodka. Just splash some vodka on a faucet covered with some stain and after a few minutes you can wipe it with a dry cloth – the stain would be gone.
Bullshit.
3. You can clean your glasses or sunglasses lens with vodka.
It’s better to use a lens cleaner.
4. After you shaved put your razor in a glass of vodka. The blades would save well and also they would be disinfected.
Possibly.
5. If you can’t unscrew a rusty bolt spray some vodka on it, wait a few seconds and here we go.
Possibly, but special liquids are much better, I think.
6. Soak a tissue paper in vodka and then clean your face with it; it’s a superior cosmetics remover.
And skin dryer.
7. If you pour a cap of vodka to your favorite shampoo it would become more effective, would clean your hair better and would stimulate the hair growths.
Bullshit. It’ll dry and damage you hair.
8. If you spray vodka across the place where insects live, they would die and never return.
False. Vodka is not strong enough.
9. If your back or neck aches you can soak a scarf with vodka and tie it across your back or neck the pain would be gone in a few minutes.
False.
10. If your feet stink, you can rub them with vodka, the smell would disappear.
Perhaps. Vodka is not a bad disinfectant.
11. If you got bitten by a jellyfish use a vodka soaked plaster, it helps.
This is true. Whiskey has been used when a jellyfish had bitten someone.
12. If you experience a tooth pain and don’t want to visit a dentist right now, just put a small plug soaked with vodka between a cheek and a tooth and you’ll be saved.
In that case, Cognac and Brandy are much better. They contains additional narcotic substances.

SOURCE: EnglishRussia

Arlington Cemetery

From Southern Girl.

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On Jeopardy the other night, the final question was, "How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the Tomb of the Unknowns
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All three missed it
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This is really an awesome sight to watch if you've never had the chance.
Very fascinating.
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Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the Tomb of the Unknowns and why?
21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one-gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
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2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?
21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1
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3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
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4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time and if not, why not?
He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.
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5. How often are the guards changed?
Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.
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6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?
For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30".
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Other requirements of the Guard:
They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives.
They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in any way.
After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.
The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.
There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror.
The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor watch TV. All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred.
Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most decorated soldier of WWII} of Hollywood fame.
Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.
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ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD,
AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.
In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington, DC, our US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm. On the ABC evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They respectfully declined the offer, "No way, Sir!" Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a serviceperson. The tomb has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.
God Bless and keep them.
IN GOD WE TRUST

Monday, May 28, 2007

Bested Speler

Oh Lord, help us!

From Carrie.

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Okay, so it is totally incorrect politically speaking. I don’t care. It is funny.

Sometimes it is better to remember to laugh.

hello,
My name be Eboneesha, a African-American girl who just got an award for being the bested speler in class. The white dude who sit nex me is McGee. He got a 94% on the test but no extra points on account of he have the same skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago. I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into class, and 5 points for not getting pregnut during the cemester. It hard to beat a score of 120%. Granny ax me to thank all Liberals for suporting Afermative action. You showing the way to true equality. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor.
Yo fren, Eboneesha

Happy Memorial Day

Here is a wish we send to you in hoping that you have a great Memorial Day holiday.

Please remember, however, who this holiday is really about.

Remember our troops today and every day.

Tell them you support them.

Tell them that you thank them.

That you pray for them.

That you wish them a safe and speedy return home.

Tell them today!

Send an email to a servicemember right now!

Here is the place to do it.

This message was brought to you from the entire crew at the Riverbank

Carrie
Corrine
Southern Girl
Sweet
Tramp

A Message From Carrie


Just wanted to pass on a BIG THANKS to the men and women of the armed forces.

May the Lord Bless you, keep you safe, and bring you home soon.

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This is post number 3000 for the Riverbank.
.

Important And DEAD Serious

Corrine found this item.
This is true.

The Snopes link is here.

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URGENT! This is very serious please forward this info to anyone that has school age children or grandchildren!!!!!

TO ALL IT MAY CONCERN,
There is a very scary thing going on in the schools right now that all need to be aware of. There is a type of crystal meth going around that looks like strawberry Poprocks. It smells like strawberry also and it is being handed out to kids in school yards in AR. I'm sure it will make its way around the country if it hasn't already. Kids are ingesting this thinking that it is candy and being rushed off to the E.R. in dire condition. Please instruct your children to not accept candy that looks like this even from a friend and to take any that they may have to a teacher, principal, etc. Please pass this around it could save some family a lot of heartache! That is what they are calling strawberry meth or strawberry quick.Thought you'd want to know.

Kathy Johnson,
RNSchool Nurse, McNeil Elementary
McKinney ISD
469-742-5204

Gasoline Theft

Gasoline drive offs are on the rise. Big surprise there, right? But there is a new method being used where someone will drive off without paying. Then you are accused of it, even though you were not even in the area at the time.

Here is a story about it from Corrine.

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A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called the police to file a report. They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas.
Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates, putting them on their car, then getting gas and running. The gas station will have "your" license plate # and you could be in trouble for "pump and run." Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate. If you should find it missing, file a report immediately!!! Keep an eye on your license plate!
Make sure you always know it's there! When the license plate is reported as the "drive off vehicle", it's YOU they contact!

Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if they're there.

SOURCE: Snopes

Carrie's Night Out

Carrie was out on the town the other night with a couple of her friends.

And the Riverbank Cameras were there to capture the moment.

She knows some great guys who really know how to have fun!
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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Mister Brown

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The white man says, “Oh, thank God. I thought you said ‘turn around’”.

Dolphins

A guy I know is a fan of the Miami Dolphins NFL football team. He tells me that dolphins are intelligent creatures. I know that they are, but it’s not my style to let it go at that. I like to tease people. So I tell him, “Is that so? Well, let’s find out. I’m going to call one.”

Then I pick up my cell phone and pretend to make a call. This is what he hears.
“Hello, is Flipper there?
Oh, hi Flipper. How’s it going with you?
What? Did you get caught in a tuna net? Did you?
Well, that’s not very intelligent.
There goes that myth!
Oh well, I'll be seeing you later.
Probably in a can of Chicken Of The Sea, right?
Bye now!”

A Retirement Plan For The Masses

This I could do!

From Sweet.

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Retirement Planning:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Marriage

This is from Mike and April, who are more than readers.
They are personal friends of mine.
And they are Kewl!

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By all Means... MARRY!

*I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
*When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
*After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
*By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
*Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.- Dumas
*The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud
*I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman
*"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison
*"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran
*"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray
*Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash
*The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... - Anonymous
*You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman
*My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
*A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
*Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous
*A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous
*"If you want a perfect marriage, admit you are wrong when you are wrong.
And admit you are wrong when you are right!" - Tramp

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

THIS IS FOR ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND FOR THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Geno's Fishing Quiz


Here is a quiz on fishing for the real masters from Geno.

I got all of these right!
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Stepping On Your Own Toes


From Corrine.

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And you thought your shoes were uncomfortable...
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Unbelievable


Another of my favorites.

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A large, ill-tempered and extremely homely woman was entering a Wal-Mart with her two children, ages 9 and 11, in tow.
She was making nasty remarks to her offspring and generally being rude.
The greeter said to her, “Welcome to Wally World. Nice kids you have there. Are they twins?”
This bewildered her. The kids were different ages, different heights, and did not look anything like each other in her opinion.
“No, they’re not.” she replied. “Why do you ask? Do you think they look alike?”

“No, I don’t,” said the greeter. “I just can’t believe that someone screwed you twice.”

That's Logical


Here is a good one from Southern Girl.

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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
and A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunken man standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."

Lost

From my personal collection.

I love to tease Bill.

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A pilot was flying his helicopter when suddenly all of his navigational instruments stopped working.
Having no idea of where he was, he spotted a hi-rise office building and flew over to it.
He made a sign, which he held up.
It read, “Where am I?”
A man in the building wrote back a sign and held it up.

It read, “You are in a helicopter”
He immediately knew exactly what his location was.


How did he know this?


Even though the information they supplied was technically correct, it was entirely useless.
He knew he was in Redmond, WA.
It had to be the Microsoft building.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball Inspector


Another one from Geno.

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I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge."
"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items."
"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

God And Harleys


From Geno.


Yes, THAT Geno.


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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that’s me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."

"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours. "

I Need A Remedy


From Southern Girl.

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Thought for the Day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING ... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

New Song

Carrie found a new Country Music Video that is pretty good.

I'm not a big fan of Country, but this one is good.

Check it out here.

Helpful Bees


From Trev.


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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.

Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

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Scroll down

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Scroll down

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The bee answered, "BP."
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I see you smiling

TSA Tip

From Corrine.

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New airport check-in procedures
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Eliminates getting to the airport 2 hours early.

Freebies

Cheer Free & Gentle

Tide Coldwater

Iams

Sergeant's Flea & Tick Squeeze On

Airborne Health

Pregnancy and Baby Wellness Kit

Sheba

Drink Up


From Carrie.

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I like the asides better than the quotes themselves...

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hou rs in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the s ame way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Need Some Help?


Here is some help.

Improve your relationships.

Advance your career.

Manage your stress.

Organize your life.

And since you will need your computer to do these,
be sure it has a clean screen with these free screen wipes.

God's Own Drunk*

Kathy sends this one in.

*With apologies to Jimmy Buffett.

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Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair
BERLIN - A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers.

"He was right in the middle of the road," said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin Tuesday. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure."
The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was a little over a mile from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village of Ventschow.
Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence.
"It's not like we can impound his wheelchair," the spokesman said. "But he is facing some sort of punishment. It's just not clear yet what exactly that will be."


SOURCE: Yahoo News