Friday, August 31, 2007

A Freebie For Joe

Joe loves Chick-Fil-A.

So here is a free sandwich and a coke from there.

Next Time

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY NEXT LIFE
I want to live my next life backwards :
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Dixie

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My son often leaves yellow sticky messages for me on my computer monitor, things like "I need pencils" or "PTA wants money"...
All manner of semi-important things I generally need reminding of get posted this way.
It works. I usually take care of the message right away, or by days end if at all possible.
One day I went to the computer and found a yellow Post-it with the following note;
"My Dixie wrecked."
I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in. I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back.
My Dixie wrecked, my dixie wrecked...
Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness...
It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave.
I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely;
My Dixie wrecked...
Hmmm...
I got up for coffee and muttered to myself; "My Dixie wrecked"
I wonder what that means?
I even said it out loud a few times; "My Dixie wrecked! What's the meaning of that?"
I even asked my Mom; I said to her; "My Dixie wrecked. What does that mean?"
I'd change the accents; my-dixie-Wrecked. My-dixie-wrecked. My-Dixie- wrecked.
It was driving me nuts.
My son finally got home from school and I blurted out...
"My Dick's Erect! What the hell does that mean?"

My son is such a creep.
Sometimes I think he's even better than me.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Freebies, Special Health Edition

A.C.T. Energy Drink

Gold Bond

Move Free Advanced

Jarrow Formulas

Butthead T-shirt

Diamond Formulas

Carrageenan Personal Lubricant

Nature Made Fish Oil

Zero


From Sweet.


I love Zero candy bars, but they are hard to find in my area.
Put some around me and you'll have 'zero' candy bars!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


What is your favorite candy bar?


Mine is the “ZERO


I love the name Zero


It is a fascinating bar, advertized as “Caramel, Peanut and Almond Nougat covered with White Fudge.”

However, that really does not describe it appropriately.

The nougat is malted and there are peanuts and almonds and maybe a soy nut or two. Nevertheless, the malted part is my favorite part.


The Zero has been around since the 1920’s and is meant to be kept cold in the freezer and eaten at “zero” degrees.
The Zero bar is delicious no matter how you like to eat it ...

Zero Candy Bars~
xoxoxoxo

Thought For The Day


Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with Ed saying, "I know a shortcut." - Tramp

Ed is Geno's cousin.
And no matter what Ed says, he does NOT know a shortcut!

US Airways Steeler Jet

From Carrie.

Now there is a first class jet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Several months ago I sent out an email to all of you from a friend of mine who works for US Airways showing their concept drawings of the Pittsburgh Steeler's team jet. Well, the time has come, and they have received the aircraft just in time for the start of the season.

Enjoy!


.




Todd E. Cutsuries


Quality Engineer


All-Clad Metalcrafters, LLC


724.743-6825 Voice


724.554.1097 Mobile


724.746.5891 Fax




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Steelers are not the only ones who have their own plane.
Green Bay has it's Pack Air.
.
.
.
.
And New Orleans has it's air transport.
.
.
.

Classic Riverbank - Did I Miss A Resemblance

This one just has to run again!

.
.

Free Rock Concerts

How about some free concerts this holiday weekend?

I'm talking Foghat, The Clarks, Bad Company, and Povertyneck Hillbillies.

And they are all free, courtesy of the greatest football team ever!

************************************

STEELERS
THE COORS LIGHT KICKOFF & RIB FESTIVAL - HEINZ FIELD
Thursday August 30th: 12pm - 12am
* Free concert by FOGHAT (7:30pm)
* Open For Lunch
* Steelers Experience 4pm - 8pm (Seat Upgrades available through ticketmaster.com or by calling 412-323-1919 and on the night of the show.)

Friday August 31st: 12pm-12am
* Open For Lunch
* Steelers Experience 3pm - 8pm
* Coca-Cola Great Hall Open Free - Steelers Memorabilia & Hall of Fame Lockers.
* Free Concerts: * The Clarks (There will be no seat upgrades available for this show) 7:30pm Start with special guests Alternate Routes

Saturday September 1st: 12pm - 12am
* Charge for tickets to enter the stadium.
Festival Grounds are open free to the public before, during and after the game
* Regular Pitt Gameday activities.
* Pitt vs. Eastern Michigan

Sunday September 2nd: 9:30am - 12am
* 9:30am: * The 19th Annual Gatorade Steelers 5K Race,
Fitness Walk and Kids Kickoff Run
Steelers Alum L.C. Greenwood will chair -
Event Benefits the Art Rooney Scholarship Fund -
Free Parking for 5K -
For More Information call 412-697-7713 or visit Steelers.com
* 12pm & 3pm: Iron City Promotions Exhibition Boxing
* 12:30pm & 3:30pm: Marvel Super Heroes on the Coca-Cola Great Hall Stage
12:30pm: XMEN Stage Show
3:30pm: Spiderman Stage Show
* Kids Activities throughout the day:
* Steelers Experience 11am - 8pm
* Coca-Cola Great Hall Open Free -
Steelers Memorabilia & Hall of Fame
* FREE CONCERT * Free Concert: Bad Company with Brian Howe 7:30pm start (Seat Upgrades available through ticketmaster.com or by calling 412-323-1919 and on the night of the show.)

Monday September 3rd: 12pm - 7pm
* Kids Activities throughout day
* Meet The Steelers Mascot
* Meet Former Steelers Players
* 12pm & 3pm: Iron City Promotions Exhibition Boxing
* Coca-Cola Great Hall Open Free - Steelers Memorabilia & Hall of Fame Lockers
* Steelers Experience 12pm - 7pm
* FREE CONCERT 2pm Povertyneck Hillbillies Jack Ingram (Seat Upgrades available through ticketmaster.com or by calling 412-323-1919 and on the night of the show.)

SPONSORS: WDVE, KDKA, Froggy, Big Machine Records, Kingsford, US Army, TUMS, Coca-Cola, Cricket, Hilton

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Bounce This Along

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow-jackets away.
Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The insects just veer around you.
All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!
1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the lose hairs.
16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
22. Wet a Bounce sheet, hose down your car, and wipe lovebugs off easily with the wet Bounce.

The Drive

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Sweet Dreams
Thursday, August 23, 2007
5:21 AM

For those of you who know both Geno and Sweet…you know we are both directionally challenged; this means you can put both of us in the same car with the exact directions and we would get lost twice…

The number one reason Geno gets lost is he uses the local "Hooters" as a landmark…yes this is true… Any city you name it and Geno knows where "Hooters" is….

The number one reason Sweet gets lost is she can't read a map; north, south, east and west have no meaning to her…

Now for my dream, which I must say was funny…I woke up laughing…

I am not sure of the year…. however, I know it was the future…There is a crowd of people; old people standing around outside yelling "don't let them go together" that’s when I saw Geno at least a 100-years old coming out of the nursing home…. walking as fast as he could with his cane…and right behind him was me at least 96-years old with my bright red hair and walker… we were both headed for a convertible Mustang….

The crowd pleaded for someone one to stop us!

Geno:
Sweet, hurry, get in the car.
Sweet:
Okay, are we going to Hooters?
Geno:
Come on Sweet, we have to hurry.
Sweet:
Hold on….

The crowd parted and there was a 1996 version of Geno…now ladies…let me tell you…never mind back to the dream…He approaches the Mustang on the drivers side and says…

Josh:
Dad let me drive…
Geno:
No, Sweet and I have done this a million times, right Sweet.
Sweet:
At least a million, we will be back…we know where, we are going.
Josh:
I think, I will take you…

Geno raises his cane and shakes it in the air…to distract Josh…I quickly throw my walker in the back seat of the Mustang…. jump in the passenger seat and turn the motor over for a quick get away….and yell to Geno let's roll….Faster than you can blink an eye Geno is behind the wheel and looks at me and says…I think this place is just down the street from "Hooters." We both have a sparkle in our eyes…the laughter begins….as we speed away leaving Josh and the crowd behind…

Now if any of you would like to interpret the dream go for it!

I would love to see your thoughts…

Sweet
xoxoxoxo

Monday, August 27, 2007

A Sweet Story


From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed by construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
''My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."

The More Things Change...

The more they DON'T stay the same!

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
.












Jobba The Hunt

From Corrine.
I've had people like this apply for a job at my business.
The conversation usually goes like this;
"I need a job"
"I believe you do. I can't help you though."
"Why? You think I need more education?"
"Yeah, something like that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Say hello to the unemployable.

BE SURE TO SCROLL ALL THE WAY DOWN!
.
.











And I'm sure that not one of them has the foggiest idea why they’ re unemployed.

Quote Of The Day

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We cannot help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking,"How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It is because we cannot see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve." -- Andy Rooney

Detox

Have you ever thought about detox? You probably think you don’t need it.

“I don’t put toxins in my body”, is what you most likely are saying. Let’s find out.

Do you eat sugar? How about chocolate? Do you drink alcohol? What about coffee? They are all toxins (yes, even decaf coffee).

If you want effective detox, all you have to do is take a magic pill. You can get these pills from several different places, including Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and honest politicians.

If you can’t find any of those, then you’ll have to go a different route.
Here is that route.


***************

Nutrients and Support for Detox
The liver requires certain nutrients for detox. In addition, increasing the flow of bile is an important part of detox because bile carries stored fat-soluble toxins away from the liver to be excreted in the stools.
Signs of poor bile flow include constipation aggravated by fiber supplements, flatulence, dry skin and hair, indigestion 1-2 hours after eating, indigestion after fatty foods and small, hard stools.


Multivitamin
Choose a high-potency multivitamin with selenium, molybdenum, and zinc.
Choline and Methionine
Known as lipotropic factors, the supplements choline and methionine help to regulate fat metabolism and increase bile flow.
Vitamin C
A water-soluble vitamin, vitamin C is an antioxidant that supports detox.
Milk Thistle
This herb has many positive effects on the liver. It is an antioxidant, assists in liver cell regeneration, and is used after exposure to chemical and industrial pollutants or adverse effects from excess alcohol or fat
consumption.
Artichokes
Contains plant compounds known as caffeoylquinic acids, which increase the flow of bile and help to digest fats.
Beets
Beets contain betaine, which promotes the regeneration of liver cells and the flow of bile. It also has a beneficial effect on fat metabolism.
Broccoli
Broccoli and other members of the brassica family (cabbage, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, kale, kholrabi) support the liver's detoxification enzymes.
Fresh Fruits and Vegetables
Food sources of vitamin C and glutathione, which are essential for detox.
Protein
Protein is required by the liver for detox. Beans, nuts, seeds, quinoa, protein powder. Some people may choose to eat fish in moderation.
Onions and Garlic
Rich in sulfur-containing compounds. Involved in sulfation, the main detox pathway for environmental chemicals and certain drugs and food additives. Helps with the elimination of harmful heavy metals from the body.
Dandelion Root
Increases the flow of bile. Can be taken as a tea.


List of Foods to Avoid
1) Sugar
Refined sugar and mixtures containing refined sugar, including sucrose, dextrose, corn syrup, brown sugar, turbinado. Avoid artificial sweeteners.
2) Dairy Products
Milk, butter and other dairy products.
3) Wheat
Wheat and products containing wheat.
4) Gluten
All gluten-containing grains, including barley, rye, spelt and kamut. Some people are sensitive to gluten, a protein fragment in these grains.
5) Caffeine
Coffee, both regular and decaffeinated, black tea, and other drinks containing caffeine should be reduced. Green tea is a great substitute to regular coffee.
6) Other Foods to Avoid
Yeast
Alcohol
Food additives and preservatives
Chocolate
High-Fat Foods

List of Allowed Foods
1) Fresh Fruit
All fresh fruit.
2) Fresh Vegetables
All fresh vegetables. Great detox foods include broccoli, cauliflower, broccoli sprouts, onions, garlic, artichokes, beets, red and green vegetables.
3) Rice
Brown or basmati rice, rice cakes, rice crackers and rice pasta.
4) Other Grains
Quinoa, amaranth, millet, and buckwheat can be used instead of rice. They can be purchased at a health food store.
5) Beans
Split yellow and green peas and lentils are easiest to digest and require the least soaking time. Other acceptable legumes include kidney beans, pinto beans, mung beans, garbanzo beans (chickpeas) and adzuki beans.
6) Nuts and Seeds
Unsalted nuts, seeds and nut butters can be sprinkled over any meal. Includes flaxseed, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, sunflower seeds, almonds, cashews and walnuts. Avoid peanuts.
7) Oil
Extra-virgin olive oil
8) Condiments
Vegetable salt, sea salt, vinegar, naturally fermented soy sauce or tamari, any culinary herbs or spices, limited amounts of honey.
9) Herbal Tea
Herbal non-caffeinated teas, green tea.
10) Other Beverages
Water, lemon water, 100% natural fruit and vegetable juices, rice milk
11) Daily Detox Must Do's
Drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water per day, warm or room temperature. Water is essential to clear waste from the blood. Thirst is often mistaken for hunger.
Do not drink liquids around mealtime.
Dilute fruit juice with 50% water.
Take the time to chew food well, especially grains.

Which Colon Cleanse Products Actually Work?
In order to answer that question we conducted a multi-stage research study designed to discover which colon cleanse products give people the best chance to eliminate toxins, cleanse their vital organs, and lose weight. Now, based on this research we found that there is no one product that works 100% of the time in every single person. With that said, we also found that certain colon cleanse products tend to work better and more often than others.
Those are the colon cleanse products we've listed here. What follows is a comprehensive list of what we think are 3 of the best herbal colon cleanse treatments currently available. These are the products that have consistently produced positive results over time.
Top 3 Colon Cleanse Products
1
Bowtrol
2
Enuvia
3
Dual Action Cleanse

We ranked these colon cleanse products based on a number of criteria developed throughout the study. More emphasis was given to things like effectiveness, how long the results lasted, how quickly results were seen, safety, and customer satisfaction. In addition, many people indicated that the quality and reliability of the company offering the colon cleanse product was important. So, we also figured into the rankings factors such as company history and reputation, shipping costs, customer service, and guarantee.
Also, it's important to remember a couple of things, regardless of which colon cleanse product you choose. First be sure to follow the directions included with the package as far as how and when to take the product. Second, be certain to use the product for at least 6 months. Despite what others may say, there is no "quick fix" for toxin elimination and weight loss. Although we all want to transform our bodies instantly, we know that lasting change takes time. Colon Cleanse products are no different.

SOURCE: Cathy Wong, ND, CNS, is a licensed naturopathic doctor and certified nutrition specialist with the American College of Nutrition. And like all of my writers, a babe!

Friday, August 24, 2007

A Message To My Wife...

To Lady, in every language that exists today.

And for anyone who is thinking about saying it, Klingon is not a real language.

*********************

Afrikaans
Ek is lief vir jou!
Albanian
Te dua!
Amharic
Afekrishalehou!
Arabic
Ohiboke (m to f), Nohiboka (f to m, or m to m)
Armenian
Yes kez si'rumem!
Basque
Maite zaitut!
Bengali
Ami tomake bahlobashi!
Bosnian
Volim te!
Bulgarian
Obicham te!
Catalan
T'estimo!
Creole
Mi aime jou!
Croatian
Volim te!
Czech
Miluji tev!
Danish
Jeg elsker dig!
Dutch
Ik hou van je!
Esperanto
Mi amas vin!
Estonian
Mina armastan sind!
Farsi
Tora dost daram!
Filipino
Iniibig kita!
Finnish
(Mä) rakastan sua!
French
Je t'aime!
Frisian
Ik hald fan dei!
Galician
Querote!
German
Ich liebe dich!
Greek
S'ayapo!
Gujarati
Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon! tane chaahuN chhuN!
Hawaiian
Aloha wau ia 'oe!
Hebrew
Anee ohev otakh (m to f), Anee ohevet otkha (f to m)

Hindi
Mai tumase pyar karata hun (m to f), Mai tumase pyar karati hun (f to m)
Hungarian
Szeretlek!
Icelandic
Eg elska thig!
Indonesian
Saya cinta padamu!
Irish
t'a gr'a agam dhuit!
Italian
Ti amo!
Japanese
Kimi o ai shiteru!
Korean
Dangsinul saranghee yo!
Latin
Te amo!
Latvian
Es tevi milu!
Lithuanian
As tave myliu!
Malaysian
Saya cintamu!
Mandarin
Wo ai ni!
Marshallese
Yokwe Yuk!
Norwegian
Jeg elsker deg!
Polish
Kocham ciebie!
Portuguese
Eu te amo!
Romanian
Te iubesc!
Russian
Ya tyebya lyublyu!
Sanskrit
twayi snihyaami
Serbian
Volim te!
Sesotho
Kiyahurata!
Slovak
Lubim ta!
Slovenian
Ljubim te!
Spanish
Te amo!
Swahili
Nakupenda!
Swedish
Jag älskar dig!
Tagalog
Mahal kita!
Thai
Phom rug khun (Male speaker) Chan rug khun (Female speaker)
Turkish
Seni seviyorum!
Ukrainian
Ya tebe kokhayu!
Urdu
Main tumse muhabbat karta hoon!
Vietnamese
Anh yeu em (m to f), Em yeu an (f to m)
Welsh
Rwy'n dy garu di!
Yiddish
Kh'hob dikh lib!
Zulu
Ngiyakuthanda!


And finally,
English
I love you!

Good Advice.

A reader sent me this excellent advice. No name was given.

I believe that anyone who is currently in a relationship needs to read this every day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) Remember that love is a verb.
Choose to love your spouse, no matter what the situation is.

2) Communicate even if it results in an argument.
Choose a private place and a time when you can discuss your issues without interruptions.

3) Outlaw any name-calling, references to past history,
and cheap shots during the argument.
Stick to the issue at hand.

4) Listen to your spouse attentively without interruption.
Pay attention to the emotions that lie behind the words and body language.
Do not try to change those feelings or offer solutions,
just validate them by listening.

5) Don't go to bed angry at each other.
Call a truce before bedtime.
Most things look better in the morning.

6) Take action.
Do something every day that shows your love for your spouse
even if you don't feel love.
Love has a funny way of creeping back into the picture.

The Dumb Guy Is In 232


From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Larry is in Room #232

Larry arrives home late one night when his wife Linda, asks, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"It’s a likeness of a hundred dollar bill on Little Richard," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?! " she said, shaking her head in disgust."Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

And Now This...

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" .
___

Quote of the week
“The world meat industry produces 18 percent of the world’s greenhouse-gas emissions, more than transportation produces. A gallon of Ben & Jerry ’s ice cream requires electricity guzzling refrigeration, and four gallons of milk produced by cows that simultaneously produce eight gallons of manure and flatulence with eight gallons of methane. The cows do this while consuming lots of grain and hay, which are cultivated by using tractor fuel, chemical fertilizers, herbicides and insecticides, and transported by fuel-consuming trains and trucks.” — George Will

Wedding Bell Blues?


From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found this to be true...I am guessing there is a female version somewhere....

love
Sweet

.
.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Slow Evening


I apologize for the slow posting this evening.

My mind was somewhere else. And I was drinking some whiskey.

But tonight it was for medicinal purposes only. Really.

Tonight, my wife left me again.

I'm sure she has her reasons.

Damn if I know what they are.

****************

Please do not concern yourselves too much about me.
I am not exactly an innocent victim here.
The things my wife has been doing lately hurts me.

However, she does not do them because she wants to hurt me.
She does it because I seem to unintentionally push her into it.

It is probably largely my own fault.
This is what my wife tells me, and I do see her become upset.
Nevertheless, the real problem seems to be that I do not realize what it is that I do to upset her so much.
So how exactly do you resolve a problem when you are not sure precisely what that problem is?

For Michael

Free Ozzfest Tickets For Pittsburgh

Monday, August 20, 2007

Now There's A Great Recipe


Old Time Stuffed Green Bell Pepper Recipe

Ingredients:

4 large green bell peppers
2 Tbsp parsley, chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
7 oz ground beef
3.5 oz mortadella*, chopped into squares
1.7 oz parmesan cheese, grated
4 Tbsp rice
2 Tbsp bread crumbs
1 egg
8 oz tomato puree
1 onion, chopped
oil
salt

Preparation:
Cut top off peppers and remove seeds.
Sauté mushrooms in oil together with 1 Tbsp parsley and 1 minced garlic clove.
Combine ground beef with mortadella, 1 Tbsp parsley, 1 minced garlic clove, grated parmesan cheese, rice and bread crumbs. Add egg, salt and 1 tsp oil. Mix well. Stuff peppers with this filling.
Sauté onion in oil. Add tomato puree and salt. Cook for 5 minutes.
Arrange peppers, cut side up, in the tomato sauce. Cover and cook until peppers are tender and filling is cooked. If necessary, add some boiling water or broth.


*FOOTNOTE: Mortadella
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Mortadella is an Italian cold cut made of finely hashed/ground heat-cured pork sausage which incorporates at least 15% small cubes of pork fat (principally the hard fat from the neck of the pig). It is delicately flavored with spices (including black pepper, whole corns or ground, myrtle berries, nutmeg and coriander) and typically pieces of pistachio nuts. Traditionally the pork filling was ground to a paste using a large mortar (mortaio) and pestle. Two Roman funerary stele in the archaeological museum of Bologna show such mortars. Alternatively, according to Cortelazzo and Zolli Dizionario Etimologico della Lingua Italiana 1979-88, Mortadella gets its name from a Roman sausage flavored with myrtle in place of pepper. The Romans called the sausage farcimen mirtatum. Anna del Conte (The Gastronomy of Italy 2001) found a sausage mentioned in a document of the official body of meat preservers in Bologna dated 1376, that may be mortadella.
Mortadella originated in Bologna, the capital of Emilia-Romagna; elsewhere in Italy it may be made either in the Bolognese manner or in a distinctively local style. The mortadella of Prato is a Tuscan speciality flavoured with pounded garlic. The mortadella of Amatrice, high in the Apennines of northern Lazio, is unusual in being lightly smoked.
Mortadella abroad
A similar commercial product, called "bologna" and often omitting the cubes of pork fat, is popular in the United States.

I Hope Not

I received this today.

Unfortunately, Snopes says it may be true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM THE C.O. OF MOSSAD / PLEASE READ
A week ago, I was able to attend a dinner with Juval Aviv - the Israeli Agent who the movie "Munich" was about... He was Golda Meir's bodyguard and she appointed him to track down and bring to justice the Palestinian terrorists who took the Israeli athletes hostage and killed them during the Munich Olympic Games. Tonight he shared information that EVERY American needs to know but our government has not shared. His bio is below, his book is "Staying Safe" and I suggest you buy and read it.


First, I am going to share what he discussed in regard to the Bush Administration, 9/11 and Iraq and then I will share his predictions for the next attack on the U.S. (and he predicted the London subway bombing on the Bill O'Reilly show on Fox News stating publicly that it would happen within a week - O'Reilly laughed and mocked him saying that in a week he wanted him back on the show and unfortunately, within a week the terrorist attack occured).
Juval Aviv gave intelligence (via what he had gathered in Israel and the Middle East) to the Bush Administration about 9/11 a month before it occured. His report specifically said they would use planes as bombs and target high profile buildings and monuments. The
Administration ridiculed him and refused to respond (Congress has since hired him as a security consultant - but still the Administration does not listen to him). Within a month 9/11 occured.


He didn't agree with going into Iraq - said it didn't make sense if we wanted terrorists responsible for 9/11 (and also he believes in Golda Meir's approach which was to bring justice to the terrorists but do not take down civilians - killing civilians only creates more terrorists - but similar to Bush, Israel's subsequent leaders were not as insightful as Golda Meir) - however, when we did decide to invade Iraq we should have learned from Israel's past mistakes. He very articulately stated that Israel's greatest mistake against their war on terror was to invade the West Bank and Gaza and stay there... He said they should have done the proven anti-terrorist strategy which was "Hit and Leave" instead of "Hit and Stay." Now we are stuck in Iraq and it is worse than Vietnam - Iraq is the U.S.'s West Bank/Gaza . He doesn't think we will ever be able to truly leave because even when we are able to pull our troops back we will still have to go back regularly which will keep us quagmired. We should have hit hard and left immediately - or actually, we shouldn't have gone in at all...

Now for the scary stuff....

He predicts the next attack on the U.S. is coming within the next few months. Forget hijacking airplanes because he says terrorists will NEVER try and hijack a plane again as the people on the plane will not go down quietly. Aviv believes our airport security is a joke- we are being reactionary versus looking at strategies that are effective.
1) Our machines are outdated. They look for metal and the new explosives are made of plastic
2) He talked about how some idiot tried to light his shoe on fire - we now have to take off our shoes, a group of idiots tried to bring aboard liquid explosives - now we can't bring liquids on board. He is waiting for some suicidal maniac to pour liquid explosive on their underwear and light up in a plane or in the terminal and then we will all have to travel naked!
3) We only focus on security when people are heading to the gates, he says that if a terrorist attack targets airports in the future, they will target busy times and on the front end when people are checking in. It would be easy for someone to take two suitcases of explosives, walk up to a busy check-in line, ask a person next to them to watch their bags for a minute while they run to the restroom or get a drink (and I have done that for people myself) and then detonate the bags BEFORE security even gets involved. Israel checks bags before people can enter the airport.


Now, back to his predictions:

He says the next attack will come in the next few months and will involve suicide bombers and non-suicide bombers in places that people congregate: Disneyland, Las Vegas, Big Cities (NY, SFO, Chicago, etc...) and there it will be shopping malls, subways in rush hour, train stations, casinos, etc.. as well as rural America (Wyoming, Montana, etc...). The attack will be simultaneous detonations around the country (they like big impact) 5-8 cities including rural areas. They won't need to use suicide bombers because at largely populated places like the MGM Grand in Vegas - they can simply valet park!

He says this is well known in intelligence circles but our government does not want to alarm Americans. However, he also said that Bush will attack Iran and Syria before he leaves office (we are being prepared for that! and I have to wonder if we are not hearing about this impending attack so America will support attacking Iran and Syria ?). In addition, since we don't have enough troops Bush will likely use small, strategic nuclear weapons regardless that the headlines the next day will read "US Nukes Islamic World" and the world will be a different place to such an extent that global warming will be irrevelent.

These are not conspiracy theories or crazy rantings. This is the man (and we have all heard/read that the Bush Administration was warned about 9/11 prior to it happening) who did the warning. He travels regularly to the Middle East and he knows his stuff. On a good note - he says we don't have to worry about being nuked - he says the terrorists who want to destroy America will not use sophisticated weapons - they like suicide as the frontline approach. He also says the next level of terrorists will not be coming from abroad, but will be homegrown - having attended our schools and universities - but will have traveled frequently back and forth to the Middle East. They will know and understand Americans but we won't understand them - we still only have a handful of Arabic and Farsi speaking people in our intelligence networks and we need that to change he said...

What can we do? From an intelligence perspective he says the U.S . needs to stop relying on satellites and technology for intelligence but follow Israel, Ireland and England's example of human intelligence both from an infiltration perspective as well as trust citizens to help. We need to engage and educate ourselves as citizens but our government treats us like babies and thinks we can't handle it and will panic.

He did a test for Congress recently putting an empty briefcase in 5 major spots in 5 US cities and not one person called 911 or sought a policeman to check it out. In fact, in Chicago - someone tried to steal it! In Israel an unattended bag or package would be reported in seconds with a citizen shouting "Unattended Bag" and the area cleared slowly, calmly and immediately by the people themselves. Unfortunately, we haven't hurt enough yet for us to be that concerned....

He also discussed how many children were in preschool and kindergarten after 9/11 without parents to pick them up and the schools did not have a plan. Do you have a plan with your kids, schools and families if you cannot reach each other by phone? If you
cannot return to your house? If you cannot get to your child's school - do they know what to do? We should all have a plan.


He said that our government's plan after the next attack is to immediately cut-off EVERYONE's ability to use their telephone, cell phone, blackberry because they don't want terrorists to be able to talk to one another - do you have a plan if you cannot communicate directly with those that you love?

Again - I recommend his book, "Staying Safe" and I also recommend we heighten each other's attention now for the inevitable.... In fact, this week the Today Show began with a segment that Al Qaeda was resurfacing - the same kind of action on the Pakistani border occurred before 9/11...

It is scary, but we do not have to panic, we just need to be aware.... Unfortunately, the Bush Administration has not been helpful and we cannot change things until 2008. However, remember that when you vote....

Juval Aviv holds an M.A. in Business from Tel Aviv University. He is President and CEO of Interfor, Inc. Based in New York with offices around the world, founded in 1979, Interfor provides foreign and domestic intelligence services to the legal, corporate and financial
communities and conducts investigations around the world. In addition, Mr. Aviv serves as a special consultant to the U.S. Congress and other policy makers on issues of terrorism, fraud and money laundering.
A leading authority on terrorist networks, Mr. Aviv served as lead investigator for Pan Am Airways into the Pan Am 103-Lockerbie terrorist bombing. He was featured in the recent film, Munich, as the leader of the Israeli team that tracked down the terrorists who
kidnapped the Israeli Olympic team. Interfor's services encompass white-collar crime investigations, asset search and recovery, corporate due diligence, litigation support, fraud investigations, internal compliance investigations, security and vulnerability
assessments. Since its inception, Interfors asset investigation services have recovered over $2 billion worldwide for its clients.


Before founding Interfor, Mr. Aviv served as an officer in the Israel Defense Force (Major, retired) leading an elite Commando/Intelligence Unit, and was later selected by the Israeli Secret Service (Mossad) to participate in a number of intelligence and special operations in many countries in the late 1960s and 1970s. While working as a consultant with El Al, Mr. Aviv surveyed the existing security measures in place and updated El Al's security program, making El Al the safest airline in business today.

Most recently, Mr. Aviv wrote Staying Safe: The Complete Guide to Protecting Yourself, Your Family, and Your Business, (2004, Harper Resource). He is also the author of several other published books on terrorism. He has been a guest on ABC Nightline, FOX News, CNN, BBC Newsnight, ZDF (German National Television) and RAI (Italian National Television) and has been featured in numerous articles in major magazines and newspapers worldwide

Hillary Clinton Quotes


WHAT A SWEET, WONDERFUL PERSON THE HILDABEAST IS.
Cheers to the Truth!
"Where is the G-damn f**king flag? I want the G-damn f**king flag up every f**king morning at f**king sunrise."
(From the book "Inside The White House" by Ronald Kessler, p. 244 - Hillary to the staff at the Arkansas Governor's mansion on Labor Day, 1991)
"You sold out, you mother f**ker! You sold out!"
(From the book "Inside" by Joseph Califano, p. 213 - Hillary yelling at Democrat lawyer.)
"It's been said, and I think it's accurate, that my husband was obsessed by terrorism in general and al-Qaida in particular."
(Hillary telling a post-9/11 world what a 'great' commander in chief her husband was; Dateline, NBC 4/16/2004.)
"I have to admit that a good deal of what my husband and I have learned [about Islam] has come from our daughter."
(TruthInMedia.org 8/8/1999 - Hillary at a White House function, proudly tells some Muslim groups she is gaining a greater appreciation of Islam because Chelsea was then taking a class on the "religion of peace")
"F**k off! It's enough that I have to see you shit-kickers every day, I'm not going to talk to you too!! Just do your G*damn job and keep your mouth shut."
(From the book "American Evita" by Christopher Anderson, p. 90 - Hillary to her State Trooper bodyguards after one of them greeted her with "Good morning."
"If you want to remain on this detail, get your f**king ass over here and grab those bags!"
(From the book "The First Partner" p. 259 - Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who was reluctant to carry her luggage because he wanted to keep his hands free in case of an incident.)
"Get f**ked! Get the f**k out of my way!!! Get out of my face!!!"
(From the book "Hillary's Scheme" p. 89 - Hillary's various comments to her Secret Service detail agents.)
"Stay the f**k back, stay the f**k away from me! Don't come within ten yards of me, or else! Just f**king do as I say, Okay!!!?"
(From the book "Unlimited Access", by Clinton FBI Agent in Charge, Gary Aldrige, p. 139 - Hillary screaming at her Secret Service detail.)
"Many of you are well enough off that [President Bush's] tax cuts may have helped you. We're saying that for America to get back on track, we're probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We're going to have to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
(Hillary grandstanding at a fund raising speech in San Francisco; SFGate.com 6/28/2004.)
"Why do I have to keep proving to people that I am not a liar?!"
(From the book "The Survivor," by John Harris, p. 382 - Hillary in her 2000 Senate campaign)
"Where's the miserable c*ck sucker?"
(From the book "The Truth About Hillary" by Edward Klein, p. 5 - Hillary shouting at a Secret Service officer)
"No matter what you think about the Iraq war, there is one thing we can all agree on for the next days — we have to salute the courage and bravery of those who are risking their lives to vote and those brave Iraqi and American soldiers fighting to protect their right to vote."
(Was posted on Hillary Clinton's senate.gov web site on 1/28/05)
"Put this on the ground! I left my sunglasses in the limo. I need those sunglasses. We need to go back!"
(From the book "Dereliction of Duty" p. 71-72 - Hillary to Marine One helicopter pilot to turn back while en route to Air Force One.)
"A right-wing network was after his presidency ... including perverting the Constitution."
(To Barbara Walters about the Republicans who impeached her husband; 20/20, ABC 6/8/2003.)
"Son of a bitch."
(From the book "American Evita" by Christopher Anderson, p. 259 - Hillary's opinion of President George W. Bush when she found out he secretly visited Iraq just days before her highly publicized trip to Iraq)
"What are you doing inviting these people into my home? These people are our enemies! They are trying to destroy us!"
(From the book "The Survivor" by John Harris, p. 99 - Hillary screaming to an aide, when she found out that some Republicans had been invited to the Clinton White House)
"I mean, you've got a conservative and right-wing press presence with really nothing on the other end of the political spectrum."
(C-Span, 1/19/1997 - Hillary complains about the mainstream media, which are all conservatives in her opinion)
"Come on Bill, put your dick up! You can't f**k her here!!"
(From the book "Inside The White House" by Ronald Kessler, p. 243 - Hillary to Gov. Clinton when she spots him talking with an attractive female at an Arkansas political rally)
"You show people what you're willing to fight for when you fight your friends."
(From the book "The Agenda" by Bob Woodward, ch. 14)
"We are at a stage in history in which remolding society is one of the great challenges facing all of us in the West."
(From the book "I've Always Been A Yankee Fan" by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 119 - During her 1993 commencement address at the University of Texas)
"The only way to make a difference is to acquire power"
(From the book "I've Always Been A Yankee Fan" by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 68 - Hillary to a friend before starting law school.)
"We just can't trust the American people to make those types of choices.... Government has to make those choices for people"
(From the book "I've Always Been A Yankee Fan" by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 20 - Hillary to Rep. Dennis Hastert in 1993 discussing her expensive, disastrous taxpayer-funded health care plan)
"I am a fan of the social policies that you find in Europe"
(From the book "I've Always Been A Yankee Fan" by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 76 - Hillary in 1996)

What Do You Hunt With That?

Man Exchanges Missile Launcher for Shoes
ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) - Police were hoping for a good turnout at their "Kicks for Guns" sneaker exchange, but they weren't expecting a surface-to-air missile launcher.
An Ocoee man showed up and exchanged the 4-foot-long launcher for size-3 Reebok sneakers for his daughter, the Orlando Sentinel reported Friday.
Taking advantage of the exchange's no-questions-asked policy, the man was not identified. He told the Orlando Sentinel that he found the weapon in a shed he tore down last week.
"I didn't know what to do with it, so I brought it here," he told the newspaper. "I took it to three dumps to try to get rid of it and they told me to get lost."
Besides the missile launcher police collected more than 250 guns. They were all exchanged for sneakers or $50 gift certificates.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Today's Gratuitious Blonde Joke

Did you hear about the new paint, called Blonde paint?

It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Don't Screw Around


From Joel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young Jewish boy was doing very badly in his math lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, flash cards, and special learning centers, everything they could think of to help him improve. Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an 'A' in math!

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" The little boy looked at her and shook his head: "No Mommy." "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren't screwing around..."

Can't Get By These Old Southern Boys!

Fact!

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store .. as yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, 'What're y'all sellin' here?'
One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling assholes here.'

Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says,
'Well, I see y'all're doing really good,
you only got two left!'

New Sign On Bobby's Street

.
.
.


Saturday, August 18, 2007

And Now For Some Gratuitous Nudity

Hey, it’s from CNN.

Two More Heros Downed

Two firefighters in New York lost their lives this evening.

Pray for them.

Pay homage to their sacrifices and pray for the living, as well.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


NEW YORK (CNN) -- Two firefighters were killed Saturday while battling a blaze at a building just south of New York's ground zero, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said, calling it "another cruel blow" to the city.

The firefighters became trapped, Bloomberg told reporters. Both were taken to Beekman Hospital in cardiac arrest and later were pronounced dead, he said.
Doctors said the amount of carbon monoxide in their lungs was enough to cause cardiac arrest, Bloomberg said.
Both firefighters were in FDNY Ladder Company 5, which also lost firefighters in the September 11, 2001, attack on the World Trade Center.
Bloomberg identified one of the victims as Joseph Graffagnino, 34, an eight-year veteran with FDNY.
The second firefighter's name was not released because relatives had not been notified, the mayor said.

Poo Bandits !!!


From Winnie the Poo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robbers Snatch Dog Poo
A Chinese woman has told how robbers snatched a parcel of dog poo wrapped in newspaper out of her hand outside a bank.
Mrs Chen, of Laohekou city, was waiting in the bank to withdraw money when nature suddenly called for her dog.
"While I was waiting in the queue, my dog had to poo. So I asked for several pieces of newspaper to wrap the poo," she said.
After wrapping it, Chen left the bank, and was waiting to cross the street to throw the parcel into a rubbish bin when the robber struck.
"A motorcycle stopped swiftly before me, the man on the rear seat seized the package from me, and they sped away," she said.
Police are investigating the case while "laughing at the stupidity of the robbers", according to Chutian City Papers.


SOURCE: Annanova

Running In Place

Exercise can hurt you.

Especially if you are stupid.

OMG

Man upset with God rams church
ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida man allegedly took out his frustration with God by slamming his pickup truck into a St. Augustine church Tuesday. The St. John's County Sheriff's Office said Thomas Kyle Nursey, 23, of St. Augustine told deputies he drove his truck into St. Anastasia Catholic Church because he was "angry with God," WJXT-TV in Jacksonville, Fla., reported. It wasn't known what was at the core of Nursey's anger. The 3 a.m. vehicular assault on the church resulted in damage to a door and wall but a dollar estimate wasn't available, the TV station said. Nursey was arrested, charged with criminal mischief and booked into the St. Johns County Jail after bond was set at $500.

Lizard Birth


A great story from Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just... just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just... that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

===================
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!

Reader Mail?


I received a nice letter from a fellow named Frank. I'd never met him before, or even heard of him.

So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and read his letter.

Here it is along with my thoughts as I read it.

********************

From: Franklin P. Momoh (rhymes with yo-yo)
Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire
West Africa.

Hello Dear,

Listen frank. Don’t call me ‘dear’. I ain’t like all that, remember it, okay? Yeah great, thanks.

I ascertained your contact just in my search for a foreign investor/partner who would probably assist me in my future business/investment programme.

Umm… uuummmm… What?

l am Franklin P. Momoh (rhymes with Bozo) the first son of the two surviving sons of General Sado Amado Momoh (rhymes with Joe Blow) the assassinated former Minister of Mines and Natural resources in Sierra-Leone.

You need a beer Frank.

Presently, I and my younger brother are taking refuge here in ABIDJAN, COTE D' IVOIRE.

Hope they have beer Frank.

Invariably, my father was assassinated in a cold blood attack by the rebels, its really unfortunate.

A cold blood attack? What is that? Do they throw cold blood at him? Then his ’cause of death’ would be hypothermia, or what? That is unfortunate.

By Provident he brought to my awareness before his death, a deposit sum of 30 MILLION U.S DOLLAR in cash in a reputable Security/Finance institution for safe keeping.

Thirty million?

But was declared as precious family ART CRAFT.

Thirty million dollars?

Until now, only my brother and me know the real contents.

U.S. dollars? Can I see it?

Actually, we are seeking your assistance and help because…

Blah! Blah! Blah! Can I see the thirty million dollars?

To this effect, may I request to make you the BENEFICIARY…


Yeah, yeah. SHOW ME THE MONEY !!!

If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to offer to you 20% Of the total fund...

That's only six million. What happened to thirty million?

while the balance will be invested by you…

I don’t think you have thirty million. I don’t think you have thirty cents!


And l will brief you more if you indicate your interest to assist us in this project.
Yours faithfully, Franklin P. Momoh (rhymes with Homo).


Oh yeah, I’m writing back to this guy right now!
Here’s what I told him.

Keep in mind that I’m trying to match his dialect.


Happiness welcoming!
Please to send money quickly.
Greetings to your goodbye!


Also.
As courtesy,

I welcome you many times to
go and have sex with yourself.