Sunday, September 30, 2007

Signs

Just signs.

Nuff said.

*****************
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Saturday, September 29, 2007

Party At C-Bol's!

Christobol always throws the best party around!


Be sure to grab an official t-shirt.
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Strong Medicine

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over and ran off down the road.
"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pours the rest into his well.
Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drank any of the well water, have you?"
“No," said the farmer.
"We can't get the pump handle down."

Friday, September 28, 2007

"It's Not My Fault!"


From Sweet.


So this is not his fault?

I would love to hear the explanation he has for that!


"The Florist made me screw her!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I love America...man sues flower company for ruining his marriage...sounds like he was already in the dog house....


xoxoxoxo


*************



Man sues 1-800-Flowers for ruining his marriage by revealing affair

Leroy Greer's wife received a receipt for flowers he sent to a girlfriend. She apparently added her own note to the bottom of it.

A Texas man is suing 1-800-Flowers for $1 million, saying the company is to blame for his pending divorce.
After Leroy Greer's wife filed for divorce in January 2006, he began seeing another woman and sent his new girlfriend a dozen long-stemmed roses. But a few months after the flowers were sent, Greer reconciled with his wife, and she moved back in to his Missouri City home, according to Greer's lawyer, Kennitra Foote.
That was, until his wife received a thank-you note from 1-800-Flowers.
Confused about the purchase, Bernice Greer called the company, and they faxed her the receipt. "Just wanted to say that I love you and you mean the world to me!" read the greeting from Greer to his girlfriend, whose name and address were included in the receipt for more than $100 in roses and a stuffed animal.
Bernice Greer promptly moved out again, continued with the divorce and is now asking a court to give her more money because of her husband's now-documented infidelity, according to the lawyer.
Along the bottom of the fax, Greer's wife apparently added her own comment, according to a copy included in the suit. "Be a man!" it began. "If you got caught red handed then don't still lie. Your tmobile has her number so why still lie."
Greer filed suit Aug. 6 in Texas Southern District Court, accusing the company of breaching their contract with him. Greer claims a sales representative promised him before his purchase that the company would not send notice of the transaction to his home or business.
As a result of the infidelity claims, Greer's wife is now asking for an additional $300,000, as well as $4,000 to $5,000 a month in child support for the boy the couple had together.
"Infidelity is one of the things that would qualify as a pendulum-swinger in a divorce case," Foote said. "And now the wife has cold, hard evidence, and it is solely because of 1-800-Flowers."
A spokesperson for 1-800-Flowers, Steven Jarmon, declined to answer questions about the case, but e-mailed this statement:
"At 1-800-FLOWERS.COM, we take pride in creating relationships with our customers by recognizing and thanking them for their business," the statement said. "We take all matters relating to our customers seriously; however, we are not responsible for an individual's personal conduct. Beyond this, it is the company's policy not to comment on pending litigation and legal matters."

My Opinion

About that guy up there with the flower lawsuit, I believe this.

The flower people are NOT responsible for this guy's pending divorce. Clearly, he is the responsible party as a result of his actions. The only thing the flower people did was aid in the exposing of his illicit activity, which sooner or later is always discovered anyway.

If Texas has any inkling whatsoever of the meaning of the word 'Justice', they will throw the case, and this guy's ass, out on the street.

Of course, from what I've seen coming out of the Texas justice system, they seem to have a pretty good grasp on what is right and what isn't. He will probably get the death penalty.

There's A Test?



From Carrie.




I am shocked!


I had no idea Carrie even knew words like this.


Shocked, I tell you!




Or not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In case the ‘Gaydar’ quits working…
other tests to help you know.

I mean to tell if your new friends are…


Hee hee


**************

Ask yourself: Am I Gay?

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.


2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.


3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.


4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.


5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.


6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.


7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold hi s beer.


8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.



Make Someone Smile Today!

A Quote For A Friday Night

Every man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. -- Ron White, Blue Collar Comedy Tour

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly


Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter has them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Ugly: You have to wait.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Ugly: With a boyfriend.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Ugly: By your husband.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your vibrator is phenomenal.
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Ugly: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Good: You came home for a quickie with a mistress.
Bad: Your wife walks in on you.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Ugly: You're a politician.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Ugly: For another woman.

Good: Your wife is drop-dead gorgeous.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Ugly: She implicates you.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Ugly: To release his inner Drug Queen.

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Ugly: They are the same sex.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Ugly: She's been taking it for 2 years.

Good: Your kids don't fight.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Ugly: With each other.

Good: Your neighbor exercises naked.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Ugly: You have no fences.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Ugly: All of them.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Ugly: You live downtown.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!!

Quotes

"Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century, it was a disease; in the twentieth, it is a cure." -- Thomas Szasz

"An intellectual is a person who has found one thing that is more interesting than sex." -- Aldous Huxley

"Sex without love is merely healthy exercise." -- Robert Heinlein

"Do not knock masturbation - it is sex with someone I love." -- Woody Allen

"AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide, or murder." -- Susan Sontag

"Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped." -- Anonymous

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." -- Woody Allen

"Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct, which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boredom, imbecile level of life in an anthill." -- Henry Louis Mencken

"Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it." -- D.H. Lawrence

The good thing about masturbation is that you do not have to get dressed up for it." -- Truman Capote

"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. " -- Matt Groening

Here Is A Diet


From Southern Girl.

When she told me about this diet she kept smirking.

Now I'm suspicious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this is an amazing diet, and it really works!

**********


Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high,
I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated
and it would solve my physical problems.

He said just think in colors...
Fill your plate with bright colors...

greens, yellows, reds, etc.


I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's



.



And sure enough, I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Little Johnny

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?"
Again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3-day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question" Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday!"

An Amazing Elephant Story


From Carrie, a story told in her own unique style.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting.

.


.
In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture above) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


************************************************


Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that sever times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.


Thursday, September 27, 2007

Energy Chip



From Sweet, your exclusive source for Sweet's Red Beer.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the world today, we have energy all around us in the form of energy drinks, energy bars, double espresso at the local coffee house or convenience story. We even have specialized energy drinks just for women.

I just ran across a new energy product that just blows my mind.
In a recent press release, Birmingham's Golden Flake Snack Foods has introduced a new "energy" potato chip that it claims to be the first of its kind on the market.


NRG Phoenix Fury Potato Chip is being sold throughout the Southeast at convenience stores with plans of a rollout into supermarkets in the fall. Golden Flake states the chips are not recommended for children, women who are pregnant or nursing or for those sensitive to caffeine.

What happened to Sweet’s way to re-energize, it simple and cost less for those of us who like to keep our money… put on your favorite relax PJ’s turn on the sprinkler, place you ass, in your favorite chair, on the porch, with a good Sweet’s Red Beer while watching the sprinkler water your lawn.

Sweet’s Red Beer:
I prefer Corona, however you can use your favorite domestic beer...
pour into a frosted beer glass…
add tomato juice,
a shot of Tabasco,
cracked pepper,
a shake of salt,
and a squeeze of lime…
grab a bag of your favorite chips and tell the world to shut-up for at least an hour….

I promise you will feel great…and yes second’s on the beer is allowed.
However, if you want to try the new “energy chip” you can order online
HERE.

See you all on the porch!
xoxoxoox

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Finally, Guys Explained


Why Guys Do What They Do

Women have long wondered why guys do the things that we do. Granted, the things we do don’t seem to make sense on the surface. But there is a good reason for why we do everything we do. Now sometimes we don’t know what that reason is, but we know there is one. Or at least we’re pretty sure that one exists.

Yeah, there has to be one, we just don’t know where it’s kept. And there is a good reason for that as well. If we knew where it was, we would probably destroy it. So it’s actually a good thing that we don’t know where it’s at. And personally, I hope we never find it. We’d probably blow it up.

Blowing things up is an important part of being a guy. Stay with me, I’m going to bring this together. Yes I am! You women always doubt us. I will bring it together. And then I’m going to blow it up.

Garbage cans are a perfect example in showing how guys and women perceive everything differently. When a woman sees a garbage can, she puts garbage in it. Now I ask you, how ridiculous is that? When a guy comes across a garbage can, he blows it up, as it should be.

Now let’s find out why we blow the garbage can up. We don’t really care about the garbage can blowing up. No, that would just be stupid. That’s makes no sense at all. The real reason we do these things is not because we want the garbage can blown up, we couldn’t care less about it. The real reason is that we are trying to hurt our buddies.

See, now that makes sense. Guys do not express emotions very well. And we are cool with that. So when a guy wants to let another guy know that he likes him as a friend, and that he cares about him, he tries to kill him.

And you women thought we didn’t have a good reason, didn’t you? Women just don’t think these things all the way through. Of course when a guy hates another guy, he tries to kill him as well, doesn‘t he? . Okay, maybe we didn’t think this one all the way through.

Doesn’t matter, it works. And we could explain it better if we could find that damn reason. But it’s better that we don’t know where it’s at. I think we can all agree on that.

Now let’s try and find a rational reason for attempting to maim or kill someone you care for. And the only reason I even bring this up is for the benefit of the women. Guys don’t need this explained to them. We just know that’s how it is. When two guys who care about each other get together, the conversation is usually something like this;

Guy 1 : Hey c’mon, lets go down to that new construction site.
Guy 2 : There’s a lot of dangerous shit down there.
Guy 1 : Yeah, I know.
Guy 2 : You’re going to try and kill me, aren’t you?
Guy 1 : Maybe.
Guy 2 : Cool! It’s nice to have friends who care about you. Thanks!
Guy 1 : Well, you’re going to try and kill me, aren’t you?
Guy 2 : You know I will.
Guy 1 : That’s great, you’re a good friend.
Guy 2 : Can you give me a hint about where it’s going to come from?
Guy 1 : No I can’t. It’s kind of feeble and relies heavily on the element of surprise.
Guy 2 : Oh that’s okay, I understand.


Now, where did this behavior develop? This one is too easy. Thousands of years ago, the Neanderthals, who were not unlike us (I mean guys) created this type of behavior out of necessity. The guys pursued the women because the women had something the guys wanted. Their bodies. Yeah, that’s right, let’s not lie to each other. The guys, however, did not want other guys bodies. Guys are repulsed by other guys bodies. Heck, guys are repulsed by their own bodies. The reason a guy would develop a relationship with another guy is because that guy had a bunch of cool stuff. So if the one guy could kill the other guy, he would get all of that guy’s cool stuff!

And that brings it all together and wraps it up. It is extremely simple. I’m not sure why it’s so simple, but simple it is. There really is no depth to it, it’s easy to understand. You women could take a lesson. I mean really, garbage in a garbage can. Who does that? Next you'll want to put dishes in the kitchen cabinets! Well alright, that's an exageration. Everyone knows the tools go there!

So if you will now excuse me, a friend of mine just stopped over.
We are going to go outside and blow shit up.

I want his stereo. I think he wants my bass boat.

So, this bird walks into a store....

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos. Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen , Scotland , and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips. Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.



Fly Me


From Corrine.

"You are now free to move about the cabin. But please stay inside the aircraft as it is rather cold and windy outside."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Airline Cabin Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunder storms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew has brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways! "

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

Quotes

Here are some really great quotes from Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....SOME GOOD ONES !!!!
.

.



















.

International Symbol of Marriage


From Carrie.


Now that's not nice.


It's true, but it's not nice!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.

.


God Bless The USA


From Southern Girl.

This is just one more reason why we need to thank all of the fine people serving in the United States Armed Forces. God bless these Heros, each and every one of them.

I wish I had the opportunity to tell this fine Marine, "Well done sir, and thank you."


I would also enjoy the opportunity to ask this alleged professor, "How is it that someone found you qualified to teach when you yourself don't know shit? Explain that one to me, asshole. This is, after all, One Nation Under God."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amen to this!

*******************

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

Announcement

The original Riverbank has been remodeled.

It now has a lighthouse theme with lighter colors.
It’s new look gives off more of an easygoing effect.
It is intentionally designed to give both Riverbank sites a similar appearance, while allowing each one to maintain a distinct look.

If you are at the Riverbank II site, click HERE to see the new old Riverbank.

If you are at the old Riverbank site, don’t click anything. Just look.
Then, if you want to compare it to the new site, click HERE.


NOTICE: There is going to be a vote. It will be next November, and it will decide who our next President will be. It doesn’t have anything to do with the Riverbank sites, but it is a vote!

Bulletin

The wife and I are getting along splendidly.

We are going to make it.

We’ve reached an agreement to insure there are no more arguments.

When she does something I don’t like, I shut my mouth.

And when I do something she doesn’t like, she shuts my mouth!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Trouble At 40,000 Feet

This one is for Carrie.

***************************


While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.


Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.

"We're going to get help!"

*sound of head slap goes here*

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed........

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.
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New Boat


It's always a thrill when you get a new boat.

But it shouldn't be this much of a thrill!

From Trev.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Custom built motor yacht complete with staterooms, a state of the art galley, G.P.S. system and radar for navigation, twin supercharged diesel engines, etc. $2.5 million



. .





Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream, and music dockside for the excited "soon to be owners" and a small group of friends $500.00

Two corporate representatives, crane and rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle $2,500 / hour
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Note the guy in the Stern..!

Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two corporate representatives just prior to "inking" the final paperwork . . .


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PRICELESS!


I told them "Just forget the whole deal"
I didn't like the color anyway!!




It's A Joke, Right?

Southern Girl sent me this very nice message.

She is such a kidder.

She is kidding, right?

Right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






Today is International Disturbed People's Day !



Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend...





just as I've done.





I don't care if you lick windows,


take the special bus


or occasionally pee on yourself...





You hang in there sunshine,


you're special.

Do Not Make God Mad

Biker's penis hit by lightning
A Croatian motorbiker's penis was zapped by lightning as he stopped beside the road to take a leak.
Ante Djindjic, 29, from Zagreb, said: "I don't remember what happened. One minute I was taking a leak and the next thing I knew I was in hospital.
"Doctors said the lightning went through my body and because I was wearing rubber boots it earthed itself through my penis."
Djindjic, who suffered light burns to his chest and arms, added: "Thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally eventually."


SOURCE: Annanova

Geekware


From Corrine.


By the way, I knew what it was.

The reason I knew is at the bottom.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Can you guess what this is?
The year was 1956.



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This was a 5MB Hard Disk from IBM.

In September 1956, IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored a whopping 5MB.Makes you appreciate your 4GB USB flashdrive, doesn't it?

Just for reference: 1 GB = 1000 MB!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Now I'll tell you how I knew that.

First I'll give you some history about computers.


In 1946, John Mauchly and J Presper Eckert developed the ENIAC I (Electrical Numerical Integrator And Calculator). In one second, the ENIAC (one thousand times faster than any other calculating machine to date) could perform 5,000 additions, 357 multiplications or 38 divisions. The use of vacuum tubes instead of switches and relays created the increase in speed, but it was not a quick machine to re-program. Programming changes would take the technicians weeks, and the machine always required long hours of maintenance.


The Mark I* reached completion in 1944.

Howard Aiken was an electrical engineer and physicist who first conceived of an electro-mechanical device like the Mark I in 1937.

In 1947, Howard Aiken completed the Mark II, an electronic computer.

Howard Aiken loved computers, but even he had no idea of their eventual widespread appeal. "Only six electronic digital computers would be required to satisfy the computing needs of the entire United States," he said in 1947.


In 1950, the Remington Rand Corporation bought the Eckert-Mauchly Computer Corporation and changed the name to the Univac Division of Remington Rand. Their research resulted in the UNIVAC* (UNIVersal Automatic Computer), an important forerunner of today's computers.

In a publicity stunt, the UNIVAC computer was used to predict the results of the Eisenhower-Stevenson presidential race. The computer had correctly predicted that Eisenhower would win, but the news media decided to blackout the computer's prediction and declared that the UNIVAC had been stumped. When the truth was revealed, it was considered amazing that a computer could do what political forecasters could not, and the UNIVAC quickly became a household name. The original UNIVAC now sits in the Smithsonian Institution.


****************


And now I'll give you some of my history.
In 1970, when I was 13 years old and attending Boardman (Ohio) high school, I had the opportunity to work with a UNIVAC (*the third computer made), as the school had obtained a teletype which was connected to the mainframe via telephone wires. This gem was programmed with COBOL, the computer language from Hell. Contrary to popular belief, the machine was not "the size of a house", but could easily fill a room.


In 1973, I had a Mark 5, *a descendant of the second computer made. This 'compact' machine (possibly the first laptop?) is the size of a refrigerator. I still have it, and it still works.


1977 brought my first microcomputer, a TRS-80, nicknamed the "Trash-80". It was based on the Zilog Z80 processor (an 8-bit microprocessor whose instruction set is a superset of the Intel 8080) and came with 4 kb of RAM and 4 kb of ROM with BASIC (1000 kb equals one megabyte and 1000 megabytes equals one gigabyte, so your computer with 512 Meg RAM has 128,000 time more memory). An optional expansion box enabled memory expansion, and audio cassettes were used for data storage.


1977 also brought an event which must be one of the biggest mistakes ever made. Back then, there were very few people who knew and understood computers and programming. This included myself, Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, Paul Allen, and Bill Gates.

Bill contacted me and told me about a new operating system he was working on. He had plans to start a company which would market software for the new microcomputers. His only product would be microcomputer software, so he planned to call his new business 'Microsoft'.

He sent me a copy of an operating system he had developed and named 'Windows'. He wanted me to join him in this venture as a partner. Again, if you wanted to find someone back then who knew this business, there weren't many choices.

I stuck the big old 5 1/4 inch floppy disk in my machine and studied this odd concept of selecting a picture to make a program run. I found it novel, but awkward. We didn't have the 'mouse' back then, the TAB key was how you moved from one icon to the next.

I was working on my own system, one I named Basic2. It would allow anyone to program computers as it was designed to use simple english as it's language. Programming with this system would be as simple as talking to another person.

I told Bill that I wasn't interested, I had different ideas. Yeah, I know.

Also, I thought he was crazy. He told me that very soon there would be a computer in every home. This was a time when computers were extremely rare and people who wanted them, let alone who could operate them, were even more scarce.

Bill Gates was a visionary. And it still pisses me off!

But that is why I knew what that hard drive was. When it was first made, I wanted one.

Have A Nice Day

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having a Bad Day????

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000..00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

Free Fruit

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carol was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a sex party at a hotel and arrested a whole group of prostitutes, Carol among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Carol's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter standing in line.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Carol told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied... "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Stealth


The Stealth Fighter is supposed to be an amazing piece of equipment.


I've heard of them, but I haven't seen one.

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Enjoy The Ride

I've always been fond of amusement parks, especially the roller coasters. Recently, I’ve discovered an amazing roller coaster. In fact, I'm still on it right now and I can't stop it.

It's called 'my life'.


It is bewildering how it can rise and fall so quickly. It has taken me through so very many of these hills and valleys recently. I love the hills as they are warm and sunny and provide a wonderful view. The valleys are cold and dark providing no view whatsoever. At first I disliked the valleys tremendously. Soon I came to realize that each valley was only temporary and would soon yield to a climb up the next hill carrying me to the warm sunny views, which seemed to grow more spectacular each time.

I began to wish I could ride in a manner which allowed me to travel from one peak to the next, skipping the valleys entirely. However, I was aware that if you ride a roller coaster, you have to ride the entire ride, as there are no shortcuts. And as I thought about the ride, I came to understand two things. Riding one of these rides only from peak to peak would most likely become boring and tedious in a short time since the thrill of the changing surroundings would be gone. Also, skipping from one peak to the next would dull the enjoyment we attain when we appear at each peak, as the splendor of arriving at a new peak would be missing. We could easily become disinterested in this ride and lose the appreciation it now provides. Wonder and surprise would be eliminated and the joys it now serves us would be gone. Without change, we would have no rewards. Complacency would replace all of those and serve as the rule.

The valleys no longer bother me. I now realize they are a necessary evil. They look different to me now. I see them as a sign that a new peak is coming. I smile as I pass through these valleys, secure in the knowledge that a warm and sunny hill will soon be here.

And the best part by far is that when I looked around the line of connected cars, which were taking me on this ride, I saw I was not alone. In my car with me was a beautiful girl who not only took a liking to me, but also told me that she was going to stay in my car with me for the rest of the ride. Now when the dark and viewless valleys need to be crossed, I have something beautiful to look at. Also, in the other cars, which were traveling with me, were many other wonderful people who help make the journey down this track so much more pleasant and interesting. These are bonuses that weren’t suppose to be a part of this ride, but fell into place seemingly by accident as the ride was prepared.

I passed through one of these valleys recently and I’m now on top of one of the highest peaks I’ve seen so far. Your car is right behind mine so keep your eyes open. You don’t want to miss any of these peaks.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

What's In A Name?


From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Questions:

A little Native American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and shaman of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"
His father replied, "Look son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture. Not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom made in CHINA?"

Jack


From Carrie.
The ticket would have hurt less.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Read This Slowly
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?
When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack.” No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."
"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once."
Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. " Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?" "I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.” Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.
"What'd you clock me at?"
"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"
"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.
"Please, Jack, in the car"
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.
The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.
Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.
Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?
Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke?
Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:


Dear Jack,
Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters, all three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left.

Bob

Jack turned around in time to see Bob 's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.


Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.