Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Jokes


It’s time for some jokes. I wanted to put in some lawyer jokes, but my brother, who is an attorney, doesn’t like them. So we compromised. I told him I would only use one lawyer joke. He agreed to this.

Here we go!

***

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?""
We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome."
It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

***

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

***

And now, a lawyer joke.
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Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

***

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "
What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

***

The Queen was traveling in England's back country when she saw a man, his wife, and a flock of children.
Impressed, the Queen asked, "Are all of these your children?"
"Yes, your Highness," answered the man. "How many children do you have?" asked the English sovereign. "Sixteen," was the reply.
"Sixteen children," repeated Her Highness. "We should give you a knighthood."
"He has one," piped up the lady, "but he won't wear it"

***

I have to get in one lawyer joke here.
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Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."


***

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

***

One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment. During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body. Interesting, he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold".
Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant."
Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked "So, is this Cherry Hill?"
She smiled at him and said "No, this is Eatontown."


***

I think I forgot to do a lawyer joke.
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A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam.
The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry a lawyer."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

***

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

***

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crewmembers asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir."
At that moment, the crewmember spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."

***

And finally, a lawyer joke.
-----
How can you tell if a lawyer is hung well?

You can only get 2 fingers between the rope and his neck.

Real Definitions

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver pizza.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

The World's Thinnest Books

French War Heroes, by Jacques Chirac
How I Served My Country, by Jane Fonda
My Personal Beauty Secrets, by Janet Reno
The Things I Love About Bill, by Hillary Clinton
My Little Book Of Personal Hygiene, by Osama Bin Laden
Things I Cannot Afford, by Bill Gates
Things I Would Not Do For Money, by Dennis Rodman
My Wild Years, by Al Gore
A Collection Of My Motivational Speeches, by Dr. J. Kevorkian
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
All The Men I Have Loved, by Ellen de Generes
Guide To Dating Etiquette, by Mike Tyson
\Spotted Owl Recipes, by the EPA
The Amish Phone Directory
My Plan To Find The Real Killers, by O.J. Simpson
A Book On Morals, by Bill Clinton with an introduction by Rev Jesse Jackson

How's Your Intuition?

Here is a pretty good intuition test.
The site says, "It measures your natural instincts in two completely different realms of thinking: SCIENCE and EMOTION. In other words, you'll score well if have a knack for guessing about human nature and/or a knack for guessing about cold hard facts."

It gives you different questions and situations, then you choose from two answers.
There are 20 questions in all.

I'll even put up my results.
I seem to have scored pretty high, so this test is obviously flawed!
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You have:
77% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and
47% EMOTIONAL INTUITION
You scored higher than 99% on Scientific
You scored higher than 99% on Interpersonal
See what I mean?
The test is HERE.

Kinky aka Live Fish

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems John had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus.
What he hadn't counted on was the fish's fins acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.
In his pain and panic, he dialed emergency.
The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "John, you just have learn to chew your food better."

That's A Wheelchair?


Bobby has a photo of what is supposed to be a wheelchair.


Supposed to be.


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Gilligan Who?


Nearly everyone who has ever watched television is the western world is at least passingly familiar with Gilligan's Island. The series about seven castaways on an uncharted island ran on CBS for three years in the mid-1960s and has since become one of the most popular syndicated shows of all time and a mainstay of American popular culture. We revel in dissecting the show's minutiae, pondering such questions as "Why did the Howells bring suitcases full of money on a three-hour tour?" and "How come Gilligan wears the same clothes every day, but they never get dirty or torn?" The subject of one of the more enduring trivia questions over the years has been "What was Gilligan's full name?" Was 'Gilligan' his first name or his last name? And what was his full name?
A few events in the early 1990s spurred the claim that Gilligan was a surname, and that the character's first name was "Willy": TBS finally aired the pilot of Gilligan's Island (an episode that had never been broadcast) in 1992, and TV Guide announced in 1993 that it had discovered (from an early press release) that Gilligan's first name was supposed to be "Willy." Somehow the pilot, the first regularly-broadcast episode, and the TV Guide claim became conflated in the public's mind, producing a garbled and oft-repeated bit of Internet trivia:
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck. Some of the confusion here stems from the fact that the familiar group of Gilligan's Island actors did not all appear in the pilot episode. Before the series went into production, the part of the Professor was re-cast with a new actor, and the characters named Ginger and Bunny (both secretaries in the pilot), were transformed into a movie star and a small-town farm girl and re-cast with new actresses as well. Because of this change in casting, the pilot was unusable as a regular-season episode and was not broadcast until TBS finally aired it in
1992.
The first episode ("Two on a Raft," first aired on 26 September 1964) opened with the castaways shipwrecked on the island, and the details of how they came to be there (the basis of the pilot episode) were not shown. In order to provide the viewing audience with some background information about the characters, therefore, a scene in which the castaways listen to a radio broadcast about themselves was inserted into the first episode. The broadcast informed us that the Skipper was an "old salt in these waters"; that Thurston Howell was "one of the world's wealthiest men" (and, contrary to the theme song, a billionaire rather than a mere millionaire); that Mrs. Howell was a "socially prominent international
hostess"; that Mary Ann was from Winfield, Kansas, and worked at the Winfield general store; that Ginger "boarded the boat after a nightclub singing engagement still wearing the evening dress from her last performance"; and that the Professor was a "research scientist and well-known Scoutmaster." The broadcast mentions the characters' full names as well:
Jonas Grumby (Skipper)
Roy Hinkley (The Professor)
Thurston Howell III (Mr. Howell)
"Lovey" Howell (Mrs. Howell)
Ginger Grant (Ginger)
Mary Ann Summers (Mary Ann)
The broadcast also said only that the crew included a "young first mate named Gilligan." No other information about the character was provided, and no episode ever mentioned any other name for the Gilligan character.
So, as far as the show was concerned, Gilligan had but a single name. No other name was ever associated with character within the context of the series, and whether 'Gilligan' was his given name or his surname was never established. Some conceptual material for the series did make reference to the name 'Willy Gilligan,' which indicates that Gilligan's Island creator Sherwood Schwartz did give some consideration to a full name for the character, and that 'Gilligan' was once considered as being a surname. However, that full name was apparently one of the many details that never made it past the conceptual stage and into the show. Moreover, when Sherwood Schwartz later explained how he came to choose the characters' names, he made it clear that 'Gilligan' had to have been the character's first name, because the Howells were the only characters ever referred to by their last names: In a further effort to make the characters prototypes rather than completely flesh and blood, I decided to call them only by first names or nicknames — excepting Mr. and Mrs. Thurston Howell III, of course, because that would have been out of keeping with their characters.
But if 'Gilligan' was the character's first name (as indicated by the above quotation), then his full name couldn't possibly be 'Willy Gilligan,' and we're left with mutually exclusive explanations. The best sense we can make out of it is that series creator Sherwood Schwartz briefly considered naming his main character 'Willy Gilligan,' thought better of it, and decided to use 'Gilligan' alone as a first name. (Other elements from the original series treatment were also dropped along the way, such as the idea that Gilligan was an ex-Navy cook who knew nothing about the sea but, desperate for a job, convinced the Skipper that he was an experienced seaman. Instead, the show's theme song simply cast Gilligan as a "mighty sailin' man.")
Ruminations that took place long after the original series was cancelled have added to the confusion. Actor Bob Denver, who played the role of Gilligan, suggested that the idea of 'Willy' as a first name for the character was merely speculative — something that came up in idle conversation about a name that might have been chosen if the character ever needed a full name: One of TV's great bits of trivia is Gilligan's first name. None was ever revealed on the show, but years later on a talk show Bob Denver claimed that he had talked the matter over with the show's creator/producer Sherwood Schwartz, and they decided that if Gilligan ever did need a first name, it would be "Willie." But Sherwood Schwartz maintained that Bob Denver considered 'Gilligan' to be the character's first name:
To this day, almost every time I see Bob Denver we still argue. He thinks Gilligan is his first name, and I think it's his last name. Because in the original presentation, it's Willy Gilligan. But he doesn't believe it, and he doesn't want to discuss it. He insists the name is Gilligan. So, there's no right answer for this one. No, no name other than 'Gilligan' was ever used for the title character in Gilligan's Island, not even in the original pilot. Yes, there is evidence that series creator Sherwood Schwartz considered using the name 'Willy Gilligan' during the series' planning stages. On the other hand, there's also evidence that Schwartz ultimately decided 'Gilligan' was the character's first name, precluding the use of 'Willy Gilligan' as a full name. Pick your favorite explanation and run with it.


SOURCE: Snopes

Better Watch Out Bobby!

Tourists fined for cycling nude in Serbian heat wave
BELGRADE (Reuters) - Two Austrians and a German were fined for cycling naked along the banks of the River Danube in Serbia where a heat wave has sent temperatures soaring. "Police arrived after being alerted by passers-by," said police spokesman Stevan Krstic in the northern city of Novi Sad.
Temperatures in Serbia and other parts of the Balkans have hovered stubbornly for the past week at around 40 degrees Celsius (104 Fahrenheit).
The there men were brought to a magistrate on charges of disrupting public peace and order and were fined 10,000 dinars (84 pounds) each.

The Rent Is How Much?

Pa. county may owe rent of 200 roses
CHAMBERSBURG, Pa. - Franklin County may be centuries behind in rent on two of its public buildings — having accumulated a debt of more than 200 roses.
County officials were reminded of the debt after the recent death of Chambersburg resident John F. George, a descendant of community founder Benjamin Chambers.
Benjamin Chambers first established the local rose rent tradition by requiring three churches that settled in Chambersburg to give his family one flower a year in return for land. The congregations consistently have paid the annual floral rent.
But George had said for years that a deed transferring two lots for use as a county courthouse and jail also required the county to pay his family one rose a year. The deed, dating to 1784, is kept in the courthouse and can be viewed on microfilm.
The issue never gained much traction with county officials.
George always said he "was grateful the Chambersburg churches were so faithful to pay their rent every year but was disappointed the county refused to do so and owed the family over 200 roses," the Rev. Bill Harter, pastor of the Presbyterian Church of Falling Spring, said during a memorial service on Saturday for George, who died July 15.
Rose rent traditions date back to 15th-century Britain.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Bizarre Sex Laws

1. Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

2. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

3. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

4. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

5. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

6. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

7. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for on the premises."

New Sign From Lil Sis


Colleen has a new sign from Casa D'Ice.


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Freebie Update

Corrine has an update on the freebie from Marlboro.

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The new code for freebies from Marlboro is 7777.

Call 1-800-Marlboro (800.627.5267) to get one.

Bingo?

From Southern Girl.

Hmmm.

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i'm anxiously awaiting the next crew meeting at the Bank!

;)


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Bullshit Bingo

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?

What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here is a way to change all of that!


How to play:

Check off each block when you hear these words during a meeting, seminar, or phone call.
When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!!

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Testimonials from satisfied players:


"I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I won." -Jack W. - Boston
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -David D. - Florida
"What a gas. Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." -Bill R - New York City
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the 5th box." -Ben G. - Denver
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'Bullshit' for the third time in 2 hours." - Kathleen L. - Atlanta

Money Isn't Everything!

From Corrine, who I swear is only trying to be helpful.

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I know for many of you, the current economy has dealt some pretty hard cards. Please know that I'm always on the lookout for employment opportunities that could enhance the future for us all. I hope one of you gets hired for this position.


Judging by the number of applicants, the situation must be more dire than I originally perceived.


*************


Job description: HORSE RIDE ASSISTANT

Job location: Beach in Tambaba

Salary: $5/week

People needed: 3

APPLICANTS (so far): 6,437,943


Duties:
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A Modern Parable

From Corrine.

It's funny because it's true!

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A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.



A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.




Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.


Sadly, The End.


Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.




IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY !

Say It With Poetry


Bobby sent me an email today telling me that the next time a cat bites him, he’s going to bite it back.

Naturally, I responded with a poem.

I think I’m spending too much time at Christobol’s place.

Here is my work.

**************
Cat
A poemtry by Tramp


My cat today gave me a bite,
My blood ran warm and red.
I told him it's okay, no fright,
Then crushed his little head.


Hey, I didn't claim to be good.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Custom Car For Sale, Cheap!

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The Good, The Bad, And The Absurd

And now, the news.

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Wis. Boy's Lemonade Stand Robbed
OSHKOSH, Wis. (AP) - An 11-year-old boy who was robbed at his lemonade stand is seeing another side of humankind in the outpouring of support he has received since his story was reported.
Austin Cundy says some people have asked if he would like to set up a lemonade stand at their businesses, while others have sent cards with money or offered to replace the $20 that was in his plastic container when it was taken Tuesday.
"I think it's very nice that people care," he said Thursday.
Austin was using the stand to raise money to go camping with his grandparents and to buy his mother a birthday present.
He told police he saw two teens eyeballing him as they bicycled past, then one of them punched him, shoved him off his chair and took the container along with his wallet.
A tip from the public led officers to the home of a 17-year-old boy on Wednesday where officers found a container but no money, police Sgt. Steve Sagmeister said. The teen was being held on suspicion of robbery and physical abuse of a child, pending formal charges, he said.
Austin's mother, Nicole Cundy, said the community's response has been impressive.
"All of these people are showing how much they care about a little boy they don't even know," she said. "It's wonderful."


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Man in Jail After Sex Romp in Kilt
FARGO, N.D. (AP) - A man was arrested on sex charges after an early morning escapade while wearing a kilt.
Police say Nathan Blair, 24, of Moorhead, Minn., was wearing a black kilt when he exposed himself to motorists near a busy street and had sex with a woman in the backyard of a house.
"In 17 years in this job I've seen a lot of different things. This is a new one," Fargo Police Lt. Pat Claus said Friday.
Claus said Blair and a 20-year-old woman were arrested about 3:30 a.m. Friday after police found them having sex behind a home. The couple first ignored orders to "cease and desist," and then refused to cover up, Claus said.
Both of them had been drinking, Claus said.
"We've caught people engaging in amorous behavior before, but usually they stop when we ask them to," Claus said.
Blair was still wearing a kilt and "FOR SALE" T-shirt when he appeared by video in court Friday morning. He pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor charges of fornication in a public place and indecent exposure.
Blair's lawyer, Tanya Johnson Martinez, said she was still gathering information on the case.
"We haven't seen any of the police reports yet so it would be premature for me to comment," she said.
The woman had not been formally charged.
Police received two complaints about a man exposing himself near one of Fargo's main thoroughfares. One of the complaints involved a sex act, police said.
While investigating the incident, a friend of the couple directed police to the backyard of the home, Claus said.

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Dentist Wins Case Over Tusks in Mouth
OLYMPIA, Wash. (AP) - An oral surgeon who played a practical joke on his assistant, and got sued for it, ended up getting the last laugh Thursday.
Dr. Robert Woo, of Auburn, temporarily implanted fake boar tusks in his employee's mouth while she was under anesthesia and took photos that later made the rounds. The employee felt humiliated and quit, later suing her boss.
When Woo's insurance company wouldn't deal with the lawsuit, Woo settled out of court for $250,000 - and sued the insurers. A King County Superior Court jury agreed with him and awarded him $750,000 dollars.
The insurance company won on appeal. But the state Supreme Court on Thursday restored the award for Woo. The court decision was 5-4.

Best Scrambled Eggs Ever


Ready For Breakfast?

This recipe makes the best scrambled eggs you have ever tasted. A friend of mine, who is a great chef, gave it to me. I’m not supposed to tell you who he is.

Hey, if that’s what Wolfgang wants, then that’s what I’ll do!

Anyway, this is what you would get if you ordered scrambled eggs at the best restaurant in New York. I don’t think I’m supposed to say Spago either.

Whatever. Here is the recipe, and it really is great.

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The Best Scrambled Eggs Ever

Ingredients
3 eggs
½ teaspoon baking powder
Olive oil

Directions
For making two scrambled eggs, take three eggs and separate two of them.
Use one whole egg and just the yolks from the other two.
Do not add milk or cream, it just screws it up.
Mix together with a half teaspoon of baking powder.
Cook in a skillet that has been coated with olive oil.
The eggs will become incredibly fluffy.
Do not overcook.

Now eat them!

Freebies, Special Food Edition

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Pawdaddy's™ Gourmet Seasoning Blends

The Best Coupon Site I've Found No, it's not Coolsavings, they suck.

BIJA Tea

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Protein Bars - Deluxe

Folgers

Tasters Choice

True Lemon

Sweet Nut Creations Bar

Jim Morrison

Jim Morrison always was one of my favorite singers.
I have forever been a fan of The Doors .
I still have a Doors 8-Track tape I used to listen to.
And it still works!

Now comes a fellow who claims to have been there when Morrison died. He claims that what really happened is nothing like the official story. He is a Frenchman, and that alone makes him hard to believe, but his story is what I have always heard and believed.

Here is an AP story with all of the details.

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New Questions About Jim Morrison's Death
By ANGELA DOLAND, with Associated Press Writer Verena von Derschau in Paris contributing to this report.

PARIS (AP) - The official story goes like this: On the last night of Jim Morrison's life, the rocker went to a movie in Paris, listened to records, fell ill, and died of heart failure in his bathtub at the age of 27.
But rumors have always swirled around the death of The Doors frontman and, 36 years later, a former Paris nightclub manager is telling a different story. In a new book, Sam Bernett says that Morrison died in a toilet stall of his club after what he believes was a heroin overdose.
He writes of his shock on finding Morrison's body: "The flamboyant singer of 'The Doors,' the beautiful California boy, had become an inert lump crumpled in the toilet of a nightclub." Bernett, whose French-language book is called "The End: Jim Morrison," says he believes two drug dealers brought Morrison's body back to his apartment.
Bernett, who was in his early 20s when Morrison died in 1971, went on to become a prominent radio personality, rock biographer and a vice president of Disneyland Paris. Though he was pestered for years by reporters investigating Morrison's death, he kept his story quiet until his wife suggested writing a book last year.
"For me it's a very bad (memory)," Bernett told The Associated Press.
Rumors have long suggested that Morrison died of an overdose and that he had fallen ill at the nightclub, but witnesses did not come forward.
Patrick Chauvel, a noted war photographer and writer, sometimes helped run the bar at the club. He recalls giving a hand to men who were carrying Morrison in a staircase there.
"I think he was already dead," said Chauvel, who considered putting the episode in a 2005 book before his publisher cautioned against it. Chauvel said he thought an ambulance would have been called if Morrison were still alive.
"I don't know," he said. "It was a long time ago, and we weren't drinking only water."
An official at the Paris prosecutor's office said it was very unlikely the case on Morrison's death would be reopened or that anybody could be prosecuted in the affair, because the statute of limitations - the time limit on legal proceedings - had run out.
Stephen Davis, the author of "Jim Morrison: Life, Death, Legend," says he would not rewrite history because of the new book. Based on his reporting, he believes Morrison did overdose at the club, but that it was shortly before his death - not the same night - and that he survived the experience.
"It just seems likely that if he died in the toilet of a nightclub, it would have come out before now," Davis said.
Morrison came to Paris in March 1971 at a troubled time in his life. At a 1969 concert in Florida, he was accused of exposing his genitals to the audience. He was convicted of indecent exposure and profanity, and the episode led to promoters canceling concerts and earned the band a stream of negative publicity.
Morrison left for Paris with his appeal pending. There, he lived in a Right Bank apartment with his girlfriend, Pamela Courson, and he wandered the streets, sightseeing and toting around a plastic bag containing his writings. In Paris, he gained so much weight as to become almost unrecognizable, and his health suffered.
He also partied. Morrison spent "practically every night" at the Rock and Roll Circus, the hip Left Bank nightclub that Bernett managed, where stars like Roman Polanski and Marianne Faithfull were regulars, Bernett said.
At around 1 a.m. on July 3, 1971, Morrison went to the club and was joined by two men - drug dealers who sold him heroin for Courson, Bernett said. At one point, Bernett noticed that Morrison had disappeared. Later, the bouncer broke down the door of a locked toilet stall, and they discovered Morrison unresponsive, Bernett said.
Bernett says he asked a doctor, a club customer, to examine the singer.
"When we found him dead, he had a little foam on his nose, and some blood too, and the doctor said, 'That must be an overdose of heroin,'" Bernett said. Bernett added that he did not see Morrison take any heroin that night but said the singer was known to sniff the drug because he was afraid of needles.
Bernett says the two drug dealers insisted Morrison was just unconscious and carried him out of the club. Though Bernett says he wanted to call the paramedics and authorities, the club's owner ordered him to keep quiet to avert a scandal.
Bernett believes the dealers brought Morrison's body home and dropped it into the bathtub, a last attempt to revive him.
Morrison's girlfriend, who died three years later of an overdose, told police an entirely different story.
Courson said the couple went to the movies and out for dinner that night, listened to records and fell asleep. According to her testimony in police records, Morrison awoke in the night feeling ill and took a hot bath. Courson said she found him dead in the tub.
Morrison was buried in Pere Lachaise cemetery, in a small ceremony without fanfare, on July 7, 1971. No autopsy was ever performed.

25 Interesting Facts

1. A vulture will never attack a human or animal that is moving.
2. About 75% of the people in the U.S. live on 2% land.
3. According to a recent survey, more Americans lose their virginity in June than any other month.
4. Adult Northwestern American Grizzly Bears can bite through steel as thick as one half inch.
5. After spending hours working at a computer display, look at a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.
6. All polar bears are left-handed.
7. Almonds are the oldest, most widely cultivated and extensively used nuts in the world.
8. Al Capone's business card said he was a furniture dealer.
9. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. On average, that's 3 pounds a day per person.
10. An ant's sense of smell is as good as a Dog's.
11. Abe Lincoln's mother died when the family dairy cow ate poisonous mushrooms and Ms. Lincoln drank the milk.
12. According to Playboy, more women talk dirty during sex than men.
13. Americans drink over a billion pounds of coffee every year and around five million bottles of soda.
14. After they are roasted, and when the coffee beans begin to cool, they release about 700 chemical substances that make up the vaporizing aromas.
15. Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza in one day.
16. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
17. An elephant's trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles.
18. An eyelash lives about 5 months.
19. Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats.
20. According to Hammurabi's Code, the penalty for medical malpractice was to cut off the doctor's hands.
21. An Octopus has 3 hearts!
22. According to Playboy, more women talk dirty during sex than men.
23. A whale's penis is called a dork.
24. An ear of corn always has an even number of rows because of the genetic formula which divides the cells.
25. Americans eat more bananas than any other fruit: a total of 11 billion a year.

Well, I'll Be!


From Trev.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers.
The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day"
The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"
The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."

Saturday, July 28, 2007

In The News

Bobby was bitten by a stray cat last night and it made the front page of the local paper!

It's worse than it sounds.

With no knowledge of the cats condition or background, and with the swelling and redness (not the neck!), Bobby had to start the Rabies series of injections.

It's a big sucker!

I tried to get the Doc to hit him on the ass with it, but I guess that's not how it's done.

I told the good Doc to get another empty one and hit him with that.

No such luck.

But I'm gonna keep trying!

I mean, after all, Bobby and I are good friends who go way back .

And I know he would do the same for me!

Here is that newspaper.

**********************
.
.

Twenty Nine Of Them


From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE



1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

.....He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.





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5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.





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10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,

.....why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.





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15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things
......I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?





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20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25..A picture is worth a thousand words,

.....but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken,

.....a lifetime commitment for a pig.


27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.


Appreciate every single thing you have,


especially your friends!

Life is too short and friends are too few.



Don't Kick The Cat!


From Irene, an oldie but goodie.

This one is dedicated to Bobby, who would probably like to kick a certain cat right about now.

Last night, he was bitten by a stray cat. With no knowledge of this cat's condition, he now has to undergo a series of painful shots in case of rabies.

Poor Bobby!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy came down to breakfast one day. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal," he asks?
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Just Because


From Corrine.

I thought everyone already knew these.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
__________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
___________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repairperson gets here and has to put it back together.
_____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
_____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are that if you're crying at the end of it, I didn’t. And if you are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine, with the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.


This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Thought For The Day

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or screw it

Piss on it and walk away.

Choppers Collide In Phoenix. 4 Dead


News helicopters collide; 4 dead

A police chase through the streets of downtown Phoenix turned into a midair tragedy Friday afternoon when two television news helicopters covering the action collided and crashed to the ground in smoke and flame, killing all four people on board.

KTVK-TV said photojournalist Jim Cox and pilot Scott Bowerback were killed. KNXV-TV identified its crew as photographer Rick Krolak and pilot Craig Smith.
The helicopters collided as the stations were covering the police pursuit of a stolen white truck towing a trailer. Assistant Chief Mark Angle of the Phoenix Fire Department said wreckage from both helicopters then landed in a downtown park.
Aerial footage from another station covering the chase, KPNX-TV, showed large plumes of black smoke and flames coming from the wreckage.

"I was driving and heard a bang," one unnamed witness told KPHO.
"I was standing out on Central Avenue and I was looking over to the park and saw the helicopters get close," Jerry Fender told KPHO. "The blue one split and went down. The red or orange one went right after it."

Friday, July 27, 2007

It Could Have Been Worse


From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse."
No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes.
"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse?!?"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

Facts Is Facts


From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This ought to upset everybody.

How they vote in the United Nations:

Below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic States, which are recorded in both the US State Department and United Nations records:
Kuwait votes against the United States 67% of the time.
Qatar votes against the United States! 67% of the time.
Morocco votes against the United States 70% of the time.
United Arab Emirates votes against the U. S. 70% of the time.
Jordan votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Tunisia votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Saudi Arabia votes against the United States 73% of the time.
Yemen votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Algeria votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Oman votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Sudan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Pakistan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Libya votes against the United States 76% of the time.
Egypt votes against the United States 79% of the time.
Lebanon votes against the United States 80% of the time.
India votes against the United States 81% of the time.
Syria votes against the United States 84% of the time.
Mauritania votes against the United States 87% of the time.


U S Foreign Aid to those that hate us:
Egypt, for example, after voting 79% of the time against the United States, still receives $2 billion annually in US Foreign Aid.
Jordan votes 71% against the United States and receives $192,814,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
Pakistan votes 75% against the United States Receives $6,721,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
India votes 81% against the United States Receives $143,699,000 annually.

Perhaps it is time to get out of the UN and give the tax savings back to the American workers who have to skimp and sacrifice to pay the taxes (and gasoline).
Yet our government bureaucrats and politicians think they can buy the friendship of these above who all think we are some of the dumbest suckers in the world.

Mention this to every taxpaying citizen you know.

Disgusting isn't it?

Wise Old Indian


From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his teepee on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

A Warning Concerning Shoes

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You ladies might want to read this.

ALERT....Flip flops distributed by Wal-Mart...don' t buy them!!!

WARNING: These pictures are really gross (graphic).

A Muslim President?

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Interesting questions for the Muslim Community to discuss.
For research on our part also.

Can a good Muslim be a good American?
I forwarded that question to a friend who worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years.
The following is his forwarded reply:

Theologically - no. . . . Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon God of Arabia .
Religiously - no.. . . Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah except Islam (Quran, 2:256)
Scripturally - no.. . . Because his allegiance is to the five pillars of Islam and the Quran (Koran).
Geographically - no.. . . Because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day.
Socially - no.. . . Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews.
Politically - no.. . . Because he must submit to the mullah (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America , the great Satan.
Domestically - no.. . . Because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran 4:34).
Intellectually - no.. . . Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.
Philosophically - no.. . . Because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and expression... Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.
Spiritually - no.. . . Because when we declare "one nation under God," the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in The Quran's 99 excellent names.
- - -
Therefore after much study and deliberation.... Perhaps we should be very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS in this country.
- - -
They obviously cannot be both "good" Muslims and good Americans.
* * *
Call it what you wish. its still the truth.
* * *
You had better believe it.
If you find yourself intellectually in agreement with the above statements, perhaps you will share this with your friends.
+ + +
The more who understand this, the better it will be for our country and our future.
# # #
Pass it on fellow Americans. The religious war is bigger than we know or understand...

And Barack Hussein Obama, a Muslim, wants to be our president?

Weird America

Here is a list of the only places in America that are weirder than my family reunions.

*****************************


Jell-O Museum

23 E. Main St.,
Le Roy, NY
585/768-7433,
www.jellomuseum.com
Head to the only museum paying homage to America’s favorite dessert (13 boxes are sold every second). The museum features Jell-O boxes, posters, and funky molds. The museum even houses the world’s only Gelometer, a device that measures the jiggliness of Jell-O. Bill Cosby must be so proud.

King Tut’s Grill
40132 Martin Mill Pike,
Knoxville, TN
865/573-6021
With a capacity of only 38, this tiny Middle Eastern restaurant located in the living room of a house invites its customers, who rave about the Greek salad and baklava, to join conga lines, sing, perform magic tricks, and even pick up toy musical instruments for an impromptu jam session. Drinks are served in flower vases.

Jumbo the Elephant’s Remains
Tufts University,
Medford, MA
617/628-5000,
www.tufts.edu
Jumbo gained fame as the “largest elephant on earth” in the late 1800s, but unfortunately he was run over by a freight train. Ever the showman, his owner, P.T. Barnum, had Jumbo stuffed and put on display at Tufts University, where it became the school mascot. Tragedy struck a second time when a fire destroyed the poor pachyderm. Afterward an administrator loaded Jumbo’s ashes into a peanut butter jar and there he remains for college athletes to rub for good luck before games.

Future Birthplace of Captain Kirk
Riverside, IA
319/648-5475,
www.trekfest.com
This is the place where—far in the future—Mrs. Kirk will give birth to the USS Enterprise’s captain. Resident trekker Steve Miller knew that Kirk hailed from a town in Iowa and proposed that Riverside be named the place and celebrate with an annual Trek Fest. The town’s motto was subsequently changed from “Where the Best Begins” to “Where the Trek Begins.”

Bee Beard Man
Thistledew Farm,
Proctor, WV
800/854-6639,
www.thistledewfarm.com
Head to the Thistledew farm for its famous honey and a visit with clean-shaven owner Steve Conlon. Ask nicely and he’ll put a queen bee in a tiny box on his chin and wait for her hive mates to form a massive bee beard. Conlon was once stung more than 50 times while demonstrating his “talent” on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

Big Blue Bug
161 O’Connell St.,
Providence, RI
888/258-3284,
www.bigbluebug.com
Crowning the top of the New England Pest Control Building is a 58'-by-9' termite. At almost 1,000 times the size of the real thing, the Providence landmark—affectionately named Nibbles Woodaway—is decorated with hats and props to celebrate holidays and events.

National Freshwater Fishing Hall of Fame
10360 Hall of Fame Dr.,
Hayward, WI
715/634-4440,
www.freshwater-fishing.org
The fiberglass muskie is half a block long and four stories tall, enough to lure in any angler. Enter the open mouth and find yourself on an observation deck, surrounded by more than 5,000 lures, rods, reels, outboard motors, hooks, and of course, fish. Head outside for a photo op that will fool onlookers into believing you reeled in a big one.

Jules’ Undersea Lodge
51 Shoreland Dr.,
Key Largo, FL
305/451-2353,
www.jul.com
Hop off your boat and right into the water to stay for the night. This hotel, built in a 30'-deep lagoon, shares its space with an underwater research facility. Certified scuba divers will love the continuous air supply that lets you spend as long as you want in this underwater retreat. A mer-chef even dives down and serves a gourmet dinner, or you can catch your own.

Stark’s Vacuum Cleaner Museum
107 NE Grand Ave.,
Portland, OR
800/230-4101,
www.starks.com
Head to a museum that spans 100 years of vacuuming history. Models ranging from the original hand-pumped version to the more modern super-sucking Hoovers are on display, as is the story of night janitor James Spangler, the inventor of the original vacuum cleaner.

John Milkovisch’s Beer-Can House
222 Malone St.,
Houston, TX
713/926-6368,
www.orangeshow.org
And you thought you drank a lot of beer. Starting in 1968, the late John Milkovisch began to decorate the exterior of his house with beer cans, working at a rate of more than a six-pack a day for 18 years. Pull-tab garlands adorn the windows, the fencing uses whole cans, and the aluminum siding is made from flattened cans. Fortunately for John’s wife, the interior of the house remained can-free. Ripley’s Believe It or Not estimates that John drank more than 50,000 cans of beer while redecorating.

Lobster Calling
Redondo Beach, CA
310/376-6911,
www.lobsterfestival.com
Every September boaters tie up at the Redondo Beach Marina and throw their pride overboard at the annual Lobster Festival. They chant, rant, and rave as they call in the lobsters, just like fisherman did many years ago at the start of season. If you don’t feel like embarrassing yourself but don’t mind humbling your cruising canine, dress him up like a lobster and show him off in the Lobster-Dog Pet Parade.

Mid-Atlantic Hermit Crab Challenge
Virginia Beach, VA
757/491-7866,
www.beacheventsfun.com
A beauty contest for hermit crabs? And you thought it couldn’t get any weirder. Each July you can dock at Rudee’s Inlet Station Marina and then glam your crab to compete in the Miss Curvaceous Crustacean Beauty Pageant. Want more? Enter your crab in the Crustacean 500, a race to see which will be the first to claw its way from an inner circle to an outer. All contestants are then put up for adoption.

National Baby Food Festival
Fremont, MI
231/924-0770,
www.nbff.org
If your wife ever told you to stop acting like a baby, you may finally be able to shut her up. In July you can head to the home of Gerber for a baby-food-eating contest. Adults try to feed blindfolded adults the most jars of baby food in the least amount of time. Want more fun? Race tricycles, compete in diaper-changing contests, and enter Junior in a baby crawl race. Don’t forget your bib.

Giant Omelette Celebration
Abbeville, LA
337/893-0013,
www.giantomelette.org
Loosen your belt, and get ready for a feast. Five thousand eggs, 50 pounds of onions, 52 pounds of butter, 2 gallons of parsley, 6½ gallons of milk, 3 boxes of salt, and 2 boxes of pepper all get mixed, poured, and fried in a celebration recognizing Abbeville’s French heritage. Each year, chefs from surrounding cities join together to prepare the Cajun-style omelets, which hungry spectators then get to gorge on.

Mermaid Parade
Coney Island, Brooklyn, NY
718/372-5159,
www.coneyislandusa.com
Stop by the Marine Basin Marina and check out all the jaw-dropping, eye-popping eccentricities that Coney Island has to offer. The first Saturday after the summer solstice, mermaids, mermen, merbabies, and even merpets stroll down the boardwalk in this annual parade. Prepare to see some interesting costumes. One woman created a top out of artfully placed rubber lobsters. While you’re there, check out Coney Island’s 6'-tall bearded lady.

World Grits Festival
St. George, SC
843/563-7943,
www.worldgritsfestival.org
Every April, 50,000 people attend this festival, which includes corn-shucking and grits-eating contests, as well as the crowning of Miss Grits. Grits enthusiasts can also participate in the Rolling-in-the-Grits Competition where they (willingly) roll for 10 seconds in a vat of grits, hoping to emerge with as many pounds of grits stuck to their body as possible.

Milk Carton Derby
Seattle, WA
206/728-0123,
www.seafair.com
While tying up at the Bell Harbor Marina in July, be sure to steer clear of the semi-seaworthy milk carton boats racing past you. Built from at least 50 half-gallon cartons, each human-powered craft races across 1,200 feet of water, many sinking in the process to the cheers of onlookers.

National Wife Carrying Championships
Bethel, ME
207/824-3000
It’s not often you hear a man complaining that his wife weighs too little…until now. Come watch a slew of husbands run 278 yards uphill, wade through a water trough, and jump over multiple obstacles, all while carrying their wives on their backs. The victor receives five times his wife’s weight in cash, plus her weight in beer! How’s that for incentive?

Twins Days
Twinsburg, OH
330/425-3652,
www.twinsdays.org
No, you didn’t drink too much, you really are seeing double! Every August, in the world’s largest gathering of its kind, more than 3,000 sets of twins, triplets, quads, and…well, you get the idea…march in the Double Take Parade. Participants also compete in a variety of contests, ranging from the oldest and youngest set of mulitples to the closest and least look-alikes.

Go-Nuts Testicle Festival
York, MT
406/475-9949
In May it’s time to head for York, and I recommend you prepare yourself. After all, you’re going to be surrounded by testicles. Join locals as they pay homage to the bull’s no-nonsense area by marinating “rocky mountain oysters” in beer, breading them, and frying them. Then avert your eyes as some partiers paint their own with fluorescent colors. Okay, you’ve been warned.