Sunday, April 30, 2006

Words Of Wisdom

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
---Frank Zappa

Sensible Sayings

Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.

Save time... See it my way.

The only thing you have to do is breathe. Everything else is just optional.

People spend their health for wealth, then spend their wealth for health.

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Two Factories

There were two factories in New York City.
One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the Mothers Frockers."
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles.
They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".
One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw.

The Boat

I've done a few stories about my boat and the island. I think I should post pictures of them to give you an idea of what the heck I'm talking about. So here, without further adieu, are pictures of both the boat and the island.

This is the boat, 'Coral Reefer'. She has two full bedrooms, a full bath and a kitchen with a glass cooktop, microwave and refrigerator/freezer. For you nautical types thats two berths, a head and a galley. The microwave has been known to produce a fine gourmet meal known as 'Dinty Moore Beef Stew'. She's twenty seven and a half feet of waterbourne fun.

And this is my favorite destination, the island on the Ohio river.

We are getting very close, weatherwise, to a trip down that river. I can't wait.

A Different View On Death

Today was the funeral of a good friend. It is a sad occasion. But it really has a lot to do with how you view it. Here is a different take on it. I hope you like it.

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
"Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here,
And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...
I know my Master is there and that is enough."

May today there be peace within you.


Eurobad 74 Europe's worst interiors circa 1974.

The Making Of Lauren Step by step creation of a mannequin.

Animals Gone Funny Just what it says.

Dead Or Alive Let's you check to see if famous people are, you know.

Steve Don't Eat It This one is mandatory. You have to read his review of 'Beggin Strips". This is a quote taken from his review of a product called "Natto",
"Also, nestled in this mound of compost was a li'l packet of mustard. In its place, I would strongly suggest a written apology."

If I Only Had A Brain

These are comments made by people who probably wish they hadn't said that.

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketballcoach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"The Internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

And some signs are no better.

In a bus station.

In a Laundromat:

In a London department store:

In an office:

Outside a secondhand shop:

Notice in health food shop window:

Seen during a conference:

Notice in a field:


On a repair shop door:

Things Every Kindergartner Knows About Food

All small children knows these facts. You probably used to as well.

9. If it tastes really bad, the teacher knows a song about how great it is!

8. In a pinch, glue is an acceptable condiment.

7. Absolutely everything tastes better with chocolate syrup or ketchup on it.

6. Most blue food you find in the fridge will make the puppy sick.

5. Mom's M&M cookies are worth two sandwiches and a dead frog.

4. Dr. Pepper supplies the best on-demand burps.

3. Most foods can be used as finger paints when necessary.

2. Your dog, your cat and your one-year-old brother all look the same eating peanut butter.

And the #1 Thing Every Kindergartner Knows About Food ;

1. Happy Meal french fries last longer than the Happy Meal toys....but the toys taste better.

Things to Remember During a War

I dedicate this post to the men and women in our armed forces defending our freedom around the globe. Never miss an opportunity to thank these wonderful people for what they are doing for us. I send out a big thank you one and all to the fine members of the United States armed forces.

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

For Those who Reed and Right

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.

Thanks to TZ at Laffaday.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

A Request Or Two

"Ya gotta listen to me people, ya gotta listen to me." That's a line from a song done by one of my favorite bands. 'Holy Roller' by Mother Love Bone. They are a 'kick ass' band. If you haven't heard them, do so now.

But that's not my request. I'm requesting two things tonight. First, I ask, no I demand that you have a kick ass night. It's in the bible. One of the commandments. It reads "Thou shall have a kick ass Saturday night". I don't know which one, just trust me on this.

And second, visit my friend Carrie. Leave her a comment. She writes almost as good as she looks.

And she likes visitors. There is some good stuff over there. Show her she's not writing it for nothing. And if you really want to get in good with her, bring beer.

Now I'm off to fulfill my duty of having a kick ass night. See you in the morning. But not too early.

And one more thing. I have the greatest readers in the world. I want to thank you all for being who you are. The greatest readers in the world.

Change The Oil

When you buy a new car, boat, motorcycle or even lawnmower, people will tell you about how you should ‘change the oil’. They will tell you how it’s a good thing to do. And it is. But you shouldn’t stop there.

Your vehicle is a valuable possession. And it deserves proper care. Just as your body does. And what controls your body? Your mind. Running the same old oil through your mind can make it run sluggish. It needs something new to keep it running right.

What is the ‘oil’ for your mind. It’s not blood, and besides, you can’t change that (unless you are Keith Richards). It’s thought, knowledge and information. It’s what keeps your mind sharp and in tune. If you keep running around with the same old information up there, your mind becomes less effective. Wait long enough and it can become closed. But keep feeding it new information and it keeps using it, giving your mind the exercise it needs to stay in shape. A healthy mind is the key to a healthy attitude. And a healthy attitude makes you feel better and be more fun to be around. It also encourages you to take better care of yourself.

Learning new things is the process by which we change our minds oil. Are you due for an oil change?

Random Thoughts

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

A man went to the cinema. As he sat down to watch the film and his eyes got accustomed to the dark, he noticed a dog sitting on the seat beside him. He was somewhat bemused but decided to try and ignore the dog. As the film progressed he noticed that the dog was reacting appropriately to the scenes. For laughter the dog wagged his tail and barked, for sadness he dropped his ears and whimpered, for violence he growled and bared his teeth. At the end of the film the audience applauded and the dog got up on all paws and barked and wagged his tail. The man turned to another who appeared to be the dog's owner and said, "Wow, that was a great film, and what an intelligent dog you have there. Frankly, I'm amazed." "So am I," replied the owner. "He thought the book was terrible."

Reach Out and Touch Someone

It's amazing how this type of technology lets friends stay in touch. Don't be a stranger. Take the time to say hello. You never know who you might run into. Old friends or new ones. It's always worth the trouble.

The Sound Of Music

I love music. Always have. I used to be in a band, but I had to quit due to injuries.
People kept throwing things at us because we sucked.

Here are some great music sites to keep you entertained.

Musicpedia The open music encyclopedia.

Music Map An interesting map of related music types.

Soundclick Lots of free MP3's.

Goaste A good source of obscure music.

Live Jamaican Radio Yup.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Freebies Again

Coffee, Tea or Cocoa

Protein Bar

Energy Drink

Dog or Cat Food



Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? C'mon... How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right..." When, it isn't all right.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

Warning, Borderline Joke

A girl and her boyfriend got to the local pub. When it's the girls turn to buy a round, she tells him that she has heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try. She returns with the usual drink for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Baileys, the other lime juice. She hands him the glasses and says, "OK, what you have to do is, you gotta swig the Baileys, hold it in your mouth for a few seconds, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit dubious, but shes very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Baileys; lovely smooth, creamy,warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
1 second:The cream in the Baileys curdles
3 seconds: Boyfriends face turns the color of the lime juice
5 seconds: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the grunge.
He turns to his girlfriend and asks what the drink is called to which she whispers in his ear,

"Blowjob Revenge!"

Gas Prices Again

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas.

Our dipsticks are located in Washington D.C.

What color does a Smurf turn when you choke him?

Faith And Begorrah

An Irish priest is driving down the Interstate and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Cluck, Cluck

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're crapping all over the bed!"

Because I Am A Man

* Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

* Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

* Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

* Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items Like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never under any circumstances expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

* Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops work-ing I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

* Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

* Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger I mean, how could he know where we're going?

* Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!

* Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just get out of here now?

In Memory Of Norma Jean

I've just received some sad news. Ralph, you remember Ralph? His sister has passed away. He's been worried about her for some time now. It is now over.

I'm sorry Ralph. And I'm sure all of my readers send their condolences.

Ralph has been a trooper through this ordeal. And it has been hard on him. As it would be on any of us. She has been sick for a while now and Ralph has done all he could to help, and then some. It was more than any of us could imagine. But so it was to be.

Again Ralph, I'm sorry. And Norma Jean, our thoughts are with you.

Not The News

Grease Fire Rages Through Midwest

MILWAUKEE—A raging grease fire has spread across the southern half of Wisconsin and into the neighboring states of Illinois, Iowa, and Minnesota, killing at least eight and leaving hundreds injured or missing after the intense heat and acrid odor of charred pork and cheese-filled breading overwhelmed the region.

Arm & Hammer donated 100,000 pounds of baking soda to help extinguish the massive blaze.Six of the dead reportedly tried to put out the grease flames with water, causing the fire to spread; two others perished after running back into their burning homes to save bacon still cooking on their stoves.

"The main problem is it's being fed at every turn. The homes and businesses here are oversaturated with corn dogs, melted cheese, and any number of deep-fried items," Tolley said. "Every time we think we have it under control, it hits a Hardee's and everything turns to chaos."

This is from The Onion, one of the finest sources on non-news out there today. You might want to check it out.

And Staying On That Train Of Thought

These make as much sense as our government.

Gas Prices

President Bush yesterday said he has found a solution to the rising gas prices plaguing all of us. Are you ready?

From CNN:

President Bush on Thursday said he wants to raise fuel-efficiency standards on automobiles, as members of both parties jockeyed for political position on the issue of rising gas prices.
Bush called on Congress to give him the authority to set the standards for passenger cars sold in the United States as a means of reducing the nation's demand for gasoline.

So his solution basically is if you can't afford gasoline, buy a new car.

Is it just me?

Meet Ed

Let me introduce you to Ed. Ed and I are very good friends, no thanks to Geno.

The first time I met Ed, Geno put me up to a prank. Geno doesn’t usually cause trouble. OK, that was a joke. Geno lives for trouble. He had me fire a blank gun at Ed since Ed didn’t know me. I trusted Geno to know what he’s doing and the prank went off really well. Ed about went into shock, but it turned out Ed found it amusing and we’ve been the best of friends ever since.

The blank gun incident was something we laughed about for years. We would use it from time to time to freak people out. One time, Ed had gotten a job with an insurance company. He had to dress appropriately, like an insurance agent. He called me and said he was bringing his boss over to meet me. And to prepare our prank. What I didn’t know what that Ed had spilled something on his shirt on the way over and his boss had let him borrow one of his best shirts, warning Ed to be sure to keep it clean.

As they arrived at my shop, I was hiding around the corner. At the appropriate time I jumped out and fired the blank gun at Ed at close range. The blast from this blank gun hitting a silk shirt was something neither one of us had considered. We both watched as a large hole melted in his bosses finest shirt. Both of them looked terrified. I said it was only a toy gun. Then Ed told me about the shirt swap. I said, "No problem, Ed will buy you a new one". Ed was ready to wipe the floor with me. I told him, “You don’t want to get that shirt dirty”.

And that is how our relationship has been for the last thirty years, each of us trying to find a reason to not kill the other.

Me and the Lady love ya Bro.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Sean's Back

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

A number of years ago I went to a bar with some friends. After a few brews I noticed a sign above the bar: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent Condition. Make Offer".So I asked the bartender, "What's a henway?"He says, "Oh, about three to four pounds"

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and he ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. Of course he was soon arrested for rustling.

These are from Sean at The Daily Groaner. He comes up with some good ones. If you like these, then you should visit his site. He also has a free video site. This is a very professional looking site and there is an enormous amount of entertainment there. If you like free videos, Sean is the guy to see. Don't forget to tell him I sent you.

Navaho Indians

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits. Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not. Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.

Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

That's Not Nice


This was sent to me by Trevor Bain. Thanks Trev.

Fun And Games

The Gizmo Game What is that thing? Your guess.

Zoomquilt You have to see this.

Watch It Shred Common items fed to an industrial shredder.

Bunny Theater Favorite movies re-enacted by bunnies in thirty seconds.

20 Questions Yup, 20 questions.

Beaver Lamb And Wombat Coats

Yes, you read that right. This is an ad from a newspaper in the 1920's.

This comes from a website by James Lileks. If you've never been there, be prepared to spend a lot of time. He has acquired a lot of old and interesting stuff.

Do not miss the Gallery Of Regrettable Food.

Lunch Time Blues

Three construction workers break for lunch on a high rise building and open their lunch boxes. The first one says, “Tuna salad again. If I get tuna salad one more time, I’ll kill myself”. The second guy opens his lunch box and says, “Ham salad again. If I get ham salad one more time I’ll kill myself”. The blonde guy opens his lunch box and says, “Chicken salad again. If I get chicken salad one more time I’ll kill myself”.

The next day at lunch time the first guy opens his lunch box, pulls out a tuna salad and hurls himself to his death. The second guy opens his lunch box, pulls out a ham salad and hurls himself to his death. The blonde guy opens his lunch box, pulls out a chicken salad and hurls himself to his death.

At the funeral, the widows are talking. The first one says, “I had no idea he was sick of tuna salad. He should have said something”. The second widow says, “I also had no idea he was tired of ham salad. He never said a thing”. The blonde’s widow was quiet. The other two widows look at her and she says, “Don’t look at me. He fixes his own lunch”.

Political Gaffs You May Have Missed

Hey, we voted for them.

"I resent your insinuendoes."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation."

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

A Dog On Vacation

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved.Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner,who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"

What The Current Government Is Trying To Teach Us

I've been paying attention to our leaders and it's given me a headache. Here is what I gather they are saying.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him; a good guy when Cheney did business with him; and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

The only time I believe them is when they say they have a sound policy, because sound is, after all, noise.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Lawn Care

Today is day one of mowing the front yard. Yes, I said day one. It takes me two days just to mow the front yard. When I mention this to people , they ask, "Why don't you get a bigger mower?". I have a John Deere diesel tractor. They don't come any bigger. "What takes so long?", they ask. Here is a picture taken from the middle of my front yard.

You can see my house off to the left. And yes, this is the middle. There is an equal amount behind me. I'll be done with it tomorrow. Of course I still have the back yard. Don't you just love grass growing season?


Nature's Bounty




Iron Out

Free Body Spray

Sorrento Recipes

Creme Of Nature

The Workplace Vocabulary

Workplaces seem to have their own 'speak' which in no way resembles the real world. Here are some of the newer ones.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the s**t out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

License Irregularities

Arriving at the town hall seconds before closing time, a couple caught a judge as he was about to leave and asked him to marry them. The judge asked if they had a license, and when they said they did not, he sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up and managed to get a license from him.
When they returned to the judge, he looked the license over and pointed out to them that they had filled the names in backwards…..her's where his should be, and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and obtained another license.
This time, the judge noted that the clerk had used the incorrect format when he filled in the date, so he sent them back to the clerk again.
After several reissued licenses, the judge finally appeared satisfied. "I hope you understand why I made you keep going back," he said. "Any irregularities in the license would mean that your marriage would not be legal. Subsequently, any children you might have would be technical bastards."
"Funny," the groom commented, "that's exactly how the clerk referred to you."

Now There's A Mug Shot

I've seen a lot of bad mug shots. But this one gets the prize. And it's a prize you don't want.

Warning, I Have A Rant

I don’t like what’s become of people. I’m not that old, but I remember when helping someone for no reason was a good thing. Neighborly and all that. I like to help people, always have. One reason I started this blog was to help people. Give them freebies, show them new places on the ‘net, solve some problems and make them laugh. Or at least smile. In return I ask for nothing. Well, maybe an occasional ‘nice one’ or ‘thanks’. Nothing more.

I run a business. Yes, I’m a boss. But not a normal one. My employees like me. And that’s because I treat them well. I tell them the most important asset in this plant is the people. And I firmly believe that. Without them, I say, the machinery would not run. The product would not get made. The business would fail. These families in this community depend on me to earn their living. And it works both ways. I depend on them to make the business succeed. And I appreciate them. I don’t hesitate to show them either. Every one of my employees has been invited to my home. And I’ve told them to feel welcome to return. We’re like family. I like to take the entire plant to lunch once a month. No fast food, a restaurant is what I mean. On holidays I give them bonuses to insure their holidays are happy.Why? Because I know they appreciate it. And I like to make people happy.

Just last week I was returning from a business trip in my pickup truck. I had stopped to get fuel. A young girl, about 20, came up to me in tears. She said she had ran out of gas and didn’t have any money. She wanted to borrow a dollar to make a few phone calls so she could get help. She was upset and seemed terrified. I gave her some money, more than enough to get her home, no matter where that might be. She was bewildered that a stranger would do that. She wanted my address so she could send it back to me when she had it. I told her no, it’s a gift. Keep it. She was speechless, and then she gave me a hug. I told her to get going before someone started to worry about her. And I felt good.

Was it a scam to get money? Maybe, I don’t care. It’s possible I may have helped, and that’s good enough for me. That is a chance I’ll take again because I like to help.

But that’s not what’s bothering me. What bothers me is that too often today, way too often, I try to help someone and it backfires. They eye me suspiciously and wonder what I’m up to. Why would I want to help them? I don’t even know them. And that pisses me off. Not the person I’m trying to help, but the society that made them that way. Have we evolved into a society where helping someone is abnormal? Is the average person today expecting to get screwed? When you offer a hand and people look at you with distrust, then that good feeling of helping is gone. It is replaced with a sadness of realizing how our society has descended into a world where everyone is on their own and constantly on guard. The joy is gone. The satisfaction of knowing you helped, for no good reason other than you like to, is missing. And that is wrong. And that is sad.

But I won’t stop. I’ll keep helping people, it’s in my nature. And I will be getting the same return on my investment, a good feeling of knowing that I helped. Just not as much feeling as I used to.

It’s a terrible thing to feel like the bad guy when you know you’re not.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Biker And The Old Man

This big hairy nasty looking biker was sitting at a bar when an old man came up to him and said, “I kissed your mother square on the lips”.

Everyone in the bar became quiet and watched.

The biker sat there and said nothing.

Then the old guy came back over and said to the biker, “I grabbed your mothers booty”

The bar became quiet once more.

Again the biker said nothing.

The old guy came back once more and said, “I had sex with your mother”

Finally the biker turned around as people started to back away and said, “Dad, go home, your drunk.”

Fish Story

Two guys are out fishing when they see a game warden heading their way.
One guy takes off running.
The game warden runs after him. After about a half mile chase, the game warden catches the man.
“Let’s see your fishing license” the game warden tell the man.
The man pulls out a valid fishing license and shows him.
“OK, lets go see how many fish you have on your stringer” say the game warden.
They walk back and the game warden sees that he is under the limit and they are all legal size.
“Ok pal, you have a valid license and your fish are legal and under limit. Why did you take off running?” ask the game warden.
The man says, “My buddy didn’t have a license".

Even More Cool Sites

Here are more cool sites for you to waste time on.

Damn Interesting Just what it sounds like.

The Movie Timeline The history of everything.

Pandora Helps you discover music that you like.

Keep Katie Quiet A Tom and Katie game.

The Webtender An online bartender.

Notes From The Road A great site for those who love travel.

I'd Like To Dedicate This One To Joe

A seven year old boy was at the center of Ohio courtroom
drama this week when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and
the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping
with the child custody law and regulations requiring that
family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to
live with her.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents,
the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering
the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them,
the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to
propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with
child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody
to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not
capable of beating anyone.

More Facts

I like interesting facts. I hope you do.

How some household foods got their name:

Spam Luncheon Meat: Combines the SP from spice and the AM from ham.

Baby Ruth candy bar: Originally called Kandy Kake, it was renamed in the 1920s to honor a contemporary celebrity - ex-President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Ruth, the first child born in the White House. She was known to the public as "Baby Ruth" despite the fact she was in her late twenties.

Tootsie Roll: Leo Hirschfield, an Austrian immigrant, originally hand-rolled the candies for his daughter, Tootsie.

Crackerjacks: This unnamed combination of peanuts, popcorn and sugar had been around since the 1870s, but was bulk-shipped in wooden crates; when it arrived in stores, it would be stuck together in massive lumps. In 1890, the company finally licked the problem with a new sugar-coating process. A salesman tasted it and exclaimed "That's cracker jack!" The phrase was slang at the time for something great or excellent.

Chef Boyardee: Boy-ar-dee is a phonetic spelling of the inventor's name - Hector Boiardi. An Italian immigrant and restaurateur, Boiardi devised the recipe in a small room above his Cleveland restaurant in 1929.

Oreo Cookies: Oreo means hill in Greek. The original version of the cookie was mound-shaped, not flat.

Fig Newtons: In 1895, a new machine was installed at a Massachusetts cookie company called the Kennedy Biscuit Works. Among the machine's capabilities: it could wrap cookie dough around jam. The first jam the company tried it with just happened to be "made from figs." And since their policy was to name their products after neighboring towns, Newton, Mass. was honored in the title.

Budweiser Beer: In the 1870s, German-born Adolphus Busch and his partner produced a light-colored beer, inspired by a beer they'd seen brewed in Budweis, Czechoslovakia.

Thanks to Melissa from The Mouthpiece


When you meet people, eventually you get around to asking them what they do for a living. This sometimes becomes a problem for me. I tell them I make a machine that climbs buildings. "Like Superman?" they say? No, he leaps tall buildings. "Oh, like Spiderman?" they sometimes reply. Again no. He is ficticious. And he wouldn't need my equipment. My equipment is real. People then ask "Why would someone want to climb a tall building?" and that is a good question. I always say "I don' t know, but they do".

Ok, I do know. Mainly to wash windows, do repairs and such. Bridge painters are my biggest customers. Keep in mind I don't go up, I just build them. I've been up there and I don't like it.

Some will dismiss me as a looney. Others will say "If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to." I sigh. So I've decided to post my company brochure on here to show some that I'm not kidding. Pictured on the front are window washers. Of course, when I think about it, if I did something else and someone told me this.....

Another Microsoft Bug

This is quite interesting….
Create a folder on the desktop and name it “Notepad”.
Now open a webpage (any webpage) in IE and view it's source….

Interesting huh?!

What Women Want

I've always enjoyed humor from Dennis Miller. It's kind of a hi brow humor, but the sarcasm is what I like. This piece will make you think. Yes, it's humor. No, he's not kidding.

Dennis Miller's Advice to Men About What Women Want

1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

2 - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.

4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at... say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo ...

5 - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

6 - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

7 - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the- hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

8 - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should *know* if she came.

9 - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

10 - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

Drunk Speak

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

Monday, April 24, 2006

A Gem

Gem of the Day: Women are not really mysterious. All you have to do is everything they want without their having to ask, and they'll be happy. -Gertrude, aka Cristobol

This is from Cristobol's site. the Gertrude Sez column. If you haven't already, you need to check this guy out. CBol rocks. And he does a news page, by far the best one out there.

Go, now!

Just Like A Woman

Tramp and Geno were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. Sweet walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Tramp, "but we don't have a ladder." Sweet took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," before walking away. Geno shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb woman? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!."

Joe's Here And He Brought The Darwin Awards

I received this from Joe, the tux wearing fella in a previous post. I thought it was pretty good and so here it is. Natural selection is alive and well.

The 2006 Darwin Awards!

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge,VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del,as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3 To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a .50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ,and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter- stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: TACOMA, WA. Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from theTacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Sh-t happens!

Thanks Joe, and this doesn't take you off deck. Your time is still coming.

Reader Pictures

I have a few readers who also happen to be contributing writers to this site. I had asked for pictures because I believe people like to put a face to a writers material.

We have a photo from contributing writer and all around fun person Sweet. You've read her here and now you get to see her. She's a cutie, but a little dangerous looking. I told her so and she responded with "I'm not dangerous and if you say that again I'll kill you". She was kidding. I think. I took this picture as she was getting ready to go for a night out on the town.

Next up is Wolfie. You've read her here as well. She also has her site in which she tells it like it should be. She didn't have any pictures for me so I went and took my own. She agreed to be photographed for this site. Here is my first attempt.

She immediately responded with "My face is up here". "Oh" I said, pretending to be surprised. I think I heard her growl. So I took another.

She said "Can't you get any more zoom." I said I could try, to which she responded " Get out!"
I'm sure she was kidding but I wasn't willing to take that chance. I ran away.

I'll have more reader pics as they come in. Yeah, that'll happen.

Update: These photos are posted exactly as they are sent to me. I would never alter a reader photo without their consent. When I tell a reader that I'll post a picture of them if they want, I post exactly what is sent to me. To do otherwise would be a dirty and dishonest thing, and that's not me.

News From The Future

Note: The following story is written in a science fiction style. It is not true. It is simply entertainment. I've often wondered what the future held and how we would be viewed by others a thousand years from now. This is my take on it.I hope you enjoy it.

Archaeologists Uncover Ancient City
Earth Times, A Subsidiary of Jupiter Inc.
April 21, 3006

Archaeologists today announced the discovery of an ancient city in the Northern American Continent. Artifacts and documents were uncovered in a dig near an ancient city named after a saint called Louis.

Head archaeologist Stuborg Damimrich said this about the find.

"People living in that time had different lives from what we have today. We have discovered metal moving structures containing tanks of a highly explosive substance we believe they called 'Exxonoline'. These vehicles moved about at a fair rate of speed. Why they were traveling about in such a dangerous manner is unclear. But they didn't seem to fear death, because sometimes they would maneuver these vehicles into each other at a good rate of speed, with death being a certainty. We still don't understand why."

He went on to talk about their living arrangements. "They lived in these box shaped structures with a terrible design, unlike our structures today. These structures, with their flat sided perimeter, would instantly be destroyed by rotorwinds (what they called 'tornados' or hurricanes'). Furthermore, these structures had deadly substances piped into them, like explosive gas and electricity. The individual units all had a sort of incineration device in the underground portion. We believe they were trying to destroy this deadly substance by making each family responsible for destroying a portion of this flammable and explosive material they called 'Columbiagas'. We appreciate that they rid the world of this scourge, but fail to understand why it had to be done in the living quarters and not outside. Also they would generate large amounts of heat which would make for uncomfortable surroundings at home. If they had needed to heat the home unit, we don't understand why they didn't use nuclear reaction. Of course their reactors were tremendously large. Not like the one on your keychain. They also filled every room in the structure with a wiring system containing electricity, a deadly substance which we no longer use today. But they had built it into every room in the unit, making for deadly conditions at home."

"Rival factions also would attack and kill each other for no known reason. There were many factions scattered around the globe trying desperatly to eliminate the other. Many different countries inhabited this planet, unlike the United States of Earth we have today." he said.

He summarizes, "We think the only possible explanation for what they did would be that they were using these objects for energy. Keep in mind that they had no idea of the unlimited supply of power at their feet. We have only recently discovered this energy source by accident. And death did not seem to be something they feared. They welcomed it. Perhaps they knew something we don't."

Update or Disclaimer: This story was written by me as fiction and posted tongue firmly in cheek. It is, of course, not true.

Oh, Yeah, The Ralph Pics

Well, you asked for Ralph pics, here they are. Ralph can sense a camera being pointed at him. He immediatly goes into 'Ham It Up' mode.

Which, if you ask me, is kind of scary.

I'm Back

Finally, the server from hell has decided to cooperate. I've been trying all weekend to get something, anything on here with no luck. But I'm back. I think.

Stupid Server

My server has been acting funny all weekend. I washed it and I can't do a thing with it. It is made by the POS company (piece of s**t). I think I'm back now. I need more options.

Like maybe one that works?

Did you see that mess below this post that was suppose to be a good story about Ralph? The server went down in the middle of publishing what was suppose to be this post. And it screwed up both of them into that mess down there. And now, it refuses to let me fix it. I can edit everything back to the first post. But not that one. Three days now, I've been trying everything except the 'hammer method'. And I would have tried that too, except they won't tell me where the server is. That's probably a good thing, although I'd still like five minutes alone in a room with that stupid server.

Update: Still trying.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Meet Ralph, Story Time

This is my friend Ralph. Ralph is a great guy. Ralph, like the rest of us, has stories too.
Ralph is easily one of the most honest guys I know. He has caused himself a lot of grief simply because he cannot lie. He also likes to drink. Story time!

One time, many years ago, Ralph and I went out drinking. We were in his Mustang. We arrived back at his house late and feeling fine. We were both drinking a beer. As Ralph was turning into his driveway, he spilled some of his beer on me. He smiled at me. I smiled back and dumped my whole beer onto his lap. Return a favor and all. Golden rule. He stopped smiling. I figured it was as good a time as any to leave. So I jumped out of the car and took off running. Ralph is a tall man. With long legs. I could hear them gaining on me. It was wintertime, with a lot of snow on the road (This is in Ohio, where it snows 10 months out of the year).
I'm running down the road and laughing, with Ralph hot on my heels. Ralph makes a flying leap and lands on my back. Down I go. The next thing I know, Ralph is sledding and I'm the sled. Now he is smiling again, but I' m not. I never did get him back for that.
Wait, maybe I had it coming.
The time before that one, we went out drinking (hey, we were young) and Ralph orders up two JD and Squirts. We settle in on a pool table. I shoot. And when Ralph shoots, I pour a little of my drink into his glass. I kept telling Ralph "This bartender doesn't know how to make a drink. I don't feel a thing." So Ralph goes and gets two more. Same thing. By the end, we had ordered up five rounds. Ralph was trashed. And rightfully so, he had consumed ten drinks, but didn't know it. He couldn't believe that I was still sober. I told him they must have been weak drinks. He said "Mine wash no.., no.., not weak (hic)". I told him he just couldn't handle his alcohol, and you don't say that to a drunk person. He said, "I can han-sh-del my al-kee-hol better 'n you". I told him we should see who could walk a straighter line. Now remember, I drank nothing. Ralph had ten. But he doesn't know it. I won the straight line contest. He couldn't stay in the same zip code. I said, "See, I can handle it better than you". He was furious. Ralph is a proud drinker. He says "I'm not as think as you drunk I am". Okay, let's go. I'm ready to go all night. Ralph takes me up. Fool (sorry Ralph). I had no problem running this scam on him when he was sober, now it will be child's play. He's wondering what I'm made of. He can't comprehend my soberness and his um, unsoberness. "I can't believe you can drink like that", he says. If only he knew. Ralph can outdrink me any day of the week. But I can outsmart him. For a while. So we go to a different bar and start again. First round he catches me. Nuts, I let me guard down 'cause he's drunk. And he's pissed. But Ralph is God's own drunk (with a nod to Jimmy Buffett). I forgot that part. And most of the rest of the evening, thanks to Ralph's assistance with my drinks from that point on.
UPDATE: I have a request for more info about Ralph. Normally I don't do this, but because it came from a VIP who gets what she wants, and because it's Ralph, here.
Ralph was born on another planet and flew here with his own wings, rescuing several large planets on the way. He was headed here because he had heard that "Earth Girls Are Easy" (with apologies to the movie).
OK, I'll be good.
Ralph really is a great guy. Honest as the day is long. I would trust him to hold all of my uncounted. If he says that much was there, that much was there.
Ralph loves to party and is a lot of fun at parties. Word of warning, don't pass out around him. He will 'dress you up' and put you in his photo album. Yes, Ralph is a prankster. But his pranks are always appreciated. He would never do anything mean. Except ride me like a sled.
Ralph used to do home construction. He would do the jobs that no one else would touch. Jobs that required standing on some two by fours nailed together and suspended by ladders three stories up. He has pics of it. I'll try and get some.
But he got tired of doing that and became a truck driver. And he loves it. He calls me from the road alot, and you never know where he's going to be. And who doesn't like to travel.
There was a previous post about Ralph and water skiing titled 'Story Time' on March 12. Check it out if you missed it. And I'll post a couple of Ralph pics in the next post. The one up there was from my Crapcam (cellphone). The new ones will be from my good cam. But they turn to crap when you resize them for web use.
Note: Sorry about the previous version of this post. The site went down in the middle of a publish. And then I couldn't even see what did get published. I'm thinking "Oh man, what kind of a dog did I just publish". It could have been anything with that situation.
But I worried for nothing. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Just really ugly.
And really, how often do you get a problem with 'Word' documents on a compuzrxcyuvbhxgfcb..//??{]=

I Don't Dial 911, I Dial 5 6 7 8

Here is an amazing new cell phone that doesn't need 911 service.

Cell Gunphone Discovered - Threat to Security?

Hitting the 5, 6, 7 and 8 buttons on the gunphone fires four .22 caliber rounds in quick succession.

At first sight it looks like a regular cell phone same size, same shape, same overall appearance.

But beneath the digital face lies a .22-caliber pistol, a phone gun capable of firing four rounds in quick succession with a touch of the otherwise standard keypad.

The US Department of Homeland Security and the FBI are aware of the device and have instructed baggage screeners to be on the lookout for suspicious mobile phones. This is especially after 9/11.

European law enforcement officials stunned by the discovery of these deadly decoys say phone guns are changing the rules of engagement in Europe.

This is a terrible,terrible thing. And yes, I want one.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Oh No Geno

wolfie said...
WTG tramp. You've totally scared him off. pppffttt *hairflip*

I received this comment today. And it contains two words you never, ever put together. Geno and scared.
She called Geno scared. Oh My God.

Well Wolfie, you're gonna hear it now. Geno is not scared. Geno has never been scared. Geno will never be scared. I grew up with him. It scared me. But not Geno. If there is one thing you don't do, it's call Geno scared.

One time, on a triple dog dare, Geno entered a tough man competition. He was the smallest guy there. And he won. Why? Because he ain't scared.

Heck, I'm scared of Geno's breakfast, pictured at left.

I remember one time some fella called Geno scared. Wanna here his patented response.
You might even get it in person. Geno doesn't take these things lightly.

Take it Geno...

Geno said...
If I was scared you could call me BOY!!!!!! Let me tell ya....

I've been from Main to Spain from Boston to Austin.,
I've been blewed and screwed and even tatooed...
10 inch dick and a bucket of balls
and hair long enough to hang you all...
Ain't scared...DON'T CALL ME BOY!!!!!!!!!
If you want to live on the edge, COME SEE ME!!!!!!!

Cause, if you're not living on the edge, you're takin' up too much space. C U soon

Well, I guess that's an olive branch. Or an invite. Yeah, that's it. Geno has no use for olive branches. At my house, for dinner we get two choices. Take it or leave it. With Geno you get one. Wanna guess which one?

And a reply from Wolfie.

wolfie said...
hrmmmmm *ponders*

Not sure I wanna visualize the 'I been screwed' part when followed so closely by measurements cause my mind tends to wander. And not in ways I'm sure you intended. And you know moren 2 balls is something you ought to get checked out right? Unless it's elephantitus. Maybe figure out how to make money with. But it does explain pantsless chaps wearing. Hard to stuff it all in there huh? Altho I have learned not to be too terribly disappointed when yonder conquering sword is, in reality, a paring knife. Tramp? How would you describe it? You've seen it.

*saunters off with a wiggle of her tail*

Whoa, back the truck up. Never seen it, don't want to, don't swing that way. And apparently neither does Geno. You can tell by his response to your comment when he thought you were a 'Bro'.

But I've spoke with a few of his girlfriends, and they describe it as "SWELL".

Be careful with Geno, Wolfie. I know you have talent. But Geno has experience. I know you are a mankiller, but Geno is a ladykiller. See what I mean by the unstoppanle force/immoveable object reference.

Lots of people play by the rules. Geno rewrote the rules in his own blood. Then he burned them up and announced "It's 'No Rules Day' for the rest of forever".

The first time Geno's mother breast fed him in a public place, he pointed at a well endowed woman and said, "I want takeout".

Oh, and Wolfie, nice wiggle and a well done saunter.

I would be happy to post your picture here, if I had one (hint, hint).
Doesn't have to be real. You pick.
But please include the wiggle.

UPDATE!!! This just in. I tried to warn the world, but would they listen. Oh no...

Tramp, I can't post this under (name withheld)! I am at work and can't. The computer police will get me. So put it out there for me,

Wolfie needs to know Geno can handle her.

Wolfie ~ If you decide to take on Geno, be ready. He never runs down!I have experienced Geno 12 times in less than 8 hours! The question is, can Wolfie handle GENO ? He also does a SWELL job.

Thanks Tramp. The whole idea is to keep it fun and no one get hurt.

I'll try and keep my remarks short.

Too much information! That's number one, number two.

No one gets hurt? I think Geno was trying to kill the poor woman.