Wednesday, October 31, 2007

A Fairy Tale

From Re, a friend of Trev's,
who seems to like making trouble just as much as Trev does!

An older woman was somewhat lonely and decided
she needed a pet to keep her company.


So, off to the pet shop she went.


She searched and searched.


None of the pets seemed to catch her interest,

except this ugly frog.



As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.




The woman figured what the heck!

She hadn't found anything else.


So, she bought the frog.


She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.


As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her



So the woman decided,


and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,

sexy, young, handsome prince.




















































She's older.





And Nothing But The Truth



I'm not sure, but I'm gonna blame Carrie.


This is from your female editors….
that’s my contribution, and I am sticking to it!

The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her
all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious.
"You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord, it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney , you would have come up with Brad Pitt . Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is this:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.


All Us Women

Quote Of The Day

"Money doesn't talk, it swears." - Bob Dylan

You Wanna Be What? Not Here!

From Carrie.

I guessed this was made up.
It seemed like something entirely too stupid for a man in his position to do.

So I checked it out. It is true, according to Snopes and other sources.

But I'm not going to call him a jerk for that.
No, I'd say Jackass fits better.

Here is an open letter from me to Mr. Obama;


Dear Barack,
Dear misguided and confused Barack,
This is the United States of America. You may have noticed. You should have. We don't try to hide it.
You also may have noticed this. We are a patriotic people. We love our country. And we love our traditions and symbolic gestures to show the world that we do indeed love her.
Our President, our leader, leads us in everything, including these very important displays of respect and loyalty, and yes, love, for our country. If you don't want to do it, then I believe you are the wrong man for the job.
Sorry Barack, you don't have what it takes. Now go on and get out of this race. It seems to be a bit much for your ability to comprehend the true meaning so deeply involved with it.
Perhaps some day down the road... No, that's a lie, you just never will understand. Might as well stop trying.
Think about it, as you (probably for the first time) look through an American History textbook. Our Presidents had names like George, Thomas, John, Ronald, Gerald, Richard, and William. Can you see how 'Barack' is not like them? There is a reason for that. A very good reason, in fact.
Also, all of our Presidents were intelligent men (yes, including Bush , he just hides it well.)
In a way, the Presidency is like a marriage. It is not a fun job. It doesn't pay all THAT well. There has to be a love. Each and every one of them never hesitated in placing their hands on their heart during the National Anthem. Every last one of them were among the first in the crowd to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. It was never a problem for them, they truly love this country and always will.
If you loved this country, Barack, these symbolic gestures would not be a problem for you.
Ask yourself this, Barack. Would you die for this country? All of us, each and every one of us, would lay it all on the line for our country in a New York minute! (That means a very small amount of time, Barack)

So perhaps you can see how unlike them you really are, can't you? It's just not going to work. We all feel terrible about it. Really we do.

Go on now. Git!
Yeah, yeah. I hear ya. "Heathens". "The Great Satan". "Infidels". "Death to America". We've heard it all before. We didn't buy it then. And we still don't buy it. Never will.
Hurry up now! Go on! Buh-bye!

Also, I have a habit of keeping each and every photo ever posted on this site, for future reference or repair or whatnot.

I'm posting this one and then putting it straight into the little desktop trashcan.

I don't care to see it again.

Fucksticks like this guy don't rate reruns.

Seeing it once is one time too many for me.

Maybe we should start a collection to buy this guy a one-way ticket back to Dumbfuckistan!


They say that ‘one-picture is worth a thousand-words’…
And this jerk actually expects to become a viable candidate for President of the USA ???



Senator Barack Obama , Governor Bill Richardson , Senator Hillary Clinton and Ruth Harkin stand during the national anthem.
Barack Hussein Obama's photo (that's his real name)......the article said he REFUSED TO NOT ONLY PUT HIS HAND ON HIS HEART DURING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, BUT REFUSED TO SAY THE in the hell can a man like this expect to be our next Commander-in-Chief????

Obama: No Hand on Heart for National AnthemBy Mark Finkelstein October 20, 2007 - 16:50 ET

During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform should stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart. Men not in uniform should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart. -- United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171Turns out that not wearing a flag lapel pin isn't the only way Barack Obama chooses to show he's a different kind of Democrat.Have a look at the photo from the October 1, 2007 edition of "Time." It shows Obama, Hillary and Bill Richardson at the Steak Fry of Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) on September 17 in Indianola , IA during [according to the photo caption] the National Anthem. Richardson and Clinton have their hands on their heart. But not Obama. Does he perhaps believe that, like wearing the flag pin, the hand on the heart isn't "true patriotism"?"Time" ran the photo without comment. I haven't seen coverage of this anywhere else in the MSM. Perhaps some enterprising reporter can ask the Illinois senator about his decision to spurn this American tradition.Meanwhile, does Obama have some third act or omission planned to demonstrate that he's not falling for those corny, old-fashioned displays of patriotism?

J.S.NOTE: The original version of this item, based on a reader submission, stated that the photo was apparently taken during the Pledge of Allegiance. I've now located the original "Time" image, whose caption states that it was taken during the National Anthem.

The Cabbie & The Nun

From Irene.


A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the Nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Next time you think that you are having a bad day... I suggest not touching the bricks…

From Carrie.


Hope your day was MUCH better than this:
This is an oldie but goodie.


Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry


From Corrine.


The results from recent research show that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "fuck you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Shorts (aka Groaners)

There was a lady friend who had twin boys and the only way she could tell them apart was by their balls...

One bawled all day and one bawled all night


Why do they give old men in retirement homes viagra before putting them to sleep?…

So they don't roll out of bed.


Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?

A. He was half nuts!!!


So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .


A doe comes out of the woods, tugging at her skirt and says, "That is the last time I do that for two bucks!"


Q. How do you circumcise a whale ?

A. Send down four skin divers.

Some Things Are Sacred

For the golfer in Carrie.

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit!
He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees?!"

Let's face it people: Some things are sacred!

She Saw An Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie...

From Sweet.



...Like A Woman's Scorn



It Looks Like...

Sweet is having a new toilet delivered via Next Day Air service.




There Are Always Some Clowns Around

Did you ever notice that?
Especially when there is a camera present.


Monday, October 29, 2007

It's The Red Sox


BOS (11-3) 4
COL (7-4), 3

Quote Of The Day, Special Brain Surgery Edition

"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four Fs: fighting, fleeing, feeding and mating." -- Unknown psychology professor inneuro-physiology course

Leftover Thoughts On Past Posts

The Hubble Post

Need to work on a tan?
Head for the Sombrero Galaxy!
It has 800 billion suns!
Tan on dude!

The Urban Legend Quiz

That one got me thinking about this Nostradamus fella. I guess some people believe in him. Me? I must stay as unbiased as I can, so I’ll say this. I’m a natural born cynic; you figure it out.
But some of my friends are damn near fanatical about this ‘legend’.
They explain to me how great he was.
I always say, “Thanks for that. I did not know that.”
Then they spew their alleged facts at me.
And then I, in an attempt to end the conversation, will say, “I agree. Nostradamus was very accurate. He predicted that you would be an asshole!”

The Pet Rules Post

Right! Like the dog and me are going to sleep in the same bed.
That’s funny!
Well, alright, sometimes that happens. But only sometimes.
Most of the time, the dog won’t let me on the bed!

The Halloween Hangman Post

I like that game!
Maybe too much!
But I really like that game!

The Great Ones Post

Okay, I wasn’t kidding!

And A Leftover Thought About An Old Post

A while back, I did a story about the tremendously stupid things people did.
Most of these people died, but not all.
I was amazed no one noticed that I was in one of them!

And so was Geno!

Maybe I Shouldn't Press 1 Then?

From Irene.

This is obviously a ploy by people who speak Spanish!


Health Concerns:

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

Conclusion: Drink, eat and make love all you want.
It's speaking English that kills you.




Garnier Nutritioniste

Loreal Vive Pro

Rendezvous at El Conquistador movie poster


Old El Paso

T Shirt

Another Oldie

This fellow comes to confession.
"Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, Father? What do you think my reward might be?"
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Trivia Quiz: Urban Legends

We've all grown up "knowing" certain things -- and, in recent years, receiving a lot of stories via e-mail that are widely accepted as true. But how many of these are actually real? See if you can figure out if each urban legend below is true or false.
Average Score: 6.1 / 10 = 61%

Question 1: The Marlboro Man died of lung cancer.
A: True B: False

Question 2: The Nursery Rhyme "Ring Around the Rosie" is a reference to the Black Plague.
A: True B: False

Question 3: Coca-Cola created our modern image of Santa Claus.
A: True B: False

Question 4: The "Happy Birthday" song cannot be sung in restaurants because it is copyrighted.
A: True B: False

Question 5: Nostradamus predicted the events of September 11.
A: True B: False

Question 6: The Titanic carried a cursed mummy in its hold.
A: True B: False

Question 7: If you go swimming less than one hour after eating, you'll get a cramp and might drown.
A: True B: False

Question 8: Water boiled in a microwave could explode.
A: True B: False

Question 9: German and British soldiers sang "Silent Night" during a Christmas truce during World War I.
A: True B: False

Question 10: Eating poppy seeds could cause you to fail a drug test.
A: True B: False


Question 1: The Marlboro Man died of lung cancer.

A: True

Question 2: The Nursery Rhyme "Ring Around the Rosie" is a reference to the Black Plague.
B: False

Question 3: Coca-Cola created our modern image of Santa Claus.
B: False

Question 4: The "Happy Birthday" song cannot be sung in restaurants because it is copyrighted.
A: True

Question 5: Nostradamus predicted the events of September 11.
B: False

Question 6: The Titanic carried a cursed mummy in its hold.
B: False

Question 7: If you go swimming less than one hour after eating, you'll get a cramp and might drown.
B: False

Question 8: Water boiled in a microwave could explode.
A: True

Question 9: German and British soldiers sang "Silent Night" during a Christmas truce during World War I.
A: True

Question 10: Eating poppy seeds could cause you to fail a drug test.
A: True

An Oldie

The preacher was preaching with all his might.
The subject was sin, and he was most certainly 'against' sin.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"

Blonde Football

From Corrine.


Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents! "

Wally World And Cats

From Corrine.


This is so terrible, I had to send it on.

~The Wal-Mart Cat~

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and

accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.


She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!


WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!



Postcards From Hubble

From Corrine.


Astronomers Select Top Ten Most Amazing Pictures Taken by Hubble Space Telescope in Last 16 Years

After correcting an initial problem with the lens, when the Hubble Space Telescope was first launched in 1990, the floating astro-observatory began to relay back to Earth incredible snapshots of the "final frontier" it was perusing.
Recently, astronomers voted on the top photographs taken by Hubble , in its 16-year journey so far. Remarking in the article from the Daily Mail, reporter Michael Hanlon says the photos "illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful."

Hubble telescope's top ten greatest photographs

The Sombrero Galaxy - 28 million light years from Earth - was voted best picture taken by the Hubble telescope. The dimensions of the galaxy, officially called M104, are as spectacular as its appearance. It has 800 billion suns and is 50,000 light years across.


The Ant Nebula, a cloud of dust and gas whose technical name is Mz3, resembles an ant when observed using ground-based telescopes. The nebula lies within our galaxy between 3,000 and 6,000 light years from Earth.

In third place is Nebula NGC 2392, called Eskimo because it looks like a face surrounded by a furry hood. The hood is, in fact, a ring of comet-shaped objects flying away from a dying star. Eskimo is 5,000 light years from Earth.


At four is the Cat's Eye Nebula


The Hourglass Nebula, 8,000 light years away, has a pinched-in-the-middle look because the winds that shape it are weaker at the centre.


In sixth place is the Cone Nebula. The part pictured here is 2.5 light years in length (the equivalent of 23 million return trips to the Moon).


The Perfect Storm, a small region in the Swan Nebula, 5,500 light years away, described as 'a bubbly ocean of hydrogen and small amounts of oxygen, sulphur and other elements'.


Starry Night, so named because it reminded astronomers of the Van Gogh painting. It is a halo of light around a star in the Milky Way.


The glowering eyes from 114 million light years away are the swirling cores of two merging galaxies called NGC 2207 and IC 2163 in the distant Canis Major constellation.


The Trifid Nebula. A 'stellar nursery', 9,000 light years from here, it is where new stars are being born


Rules For The Short Kids

From Corrine.


Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Halloween Hangman

From Southern Girl.


not a joke, but a fun game!

The Great Ones

Recently, I've been rereading the great works of literature. If you've never read them, you are cheating yourself. If you have, read them again for the enjoyment and to stay familiar with them.

People who are familiar with the works of the great ones always appear to be the most intelligent people in any room. That is because they are.

What do I mean when I say the great works of literature?

Of course, I mean anything by Dave Barry or Jimmy Buffett!

I'm kidding.


Halloween Reading


Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore--

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping--rapping at my chamber door.

"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door--

Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,

And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow;--vainly I had sought to borrow

From my books surcease of sorrow--sorrow for the lost Lenore--

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore--

Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain

Thrilled me--filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;

So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating "'

Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door--

Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;--

This it is and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,

"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;

But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,

And so faintly you came tapping--tapping at my chamber door,

That I scarce was sure I heard you"--here I opened wide the door:--

Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;

But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,

And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore!"

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!"

Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,

Soon I heard again a tapping, somewhat louder than before.

"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;

Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore--

Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore;--

'Tis the wind and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;

Not the least obeisance made he: not an instant stopped or stayed he;

But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door--

Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door--

Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,

"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,

Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore--

Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,

Though its answer little meaning--little relevancy bore;

For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being

Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door--

Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,

With such name as "Nevermore."

But the Raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only

That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.

Nothing further then he uttered--not a feather then he fluttered--

Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before--

On the morrow _he_ will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."

Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,

"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,

Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster

Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore--

Till the dirges of his Hope the melancholy burden bore

Of 'Never--nevermore.'"

But the Raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,

Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;

Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking

Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore--

What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore

Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing

To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;

This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining

On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,

But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,

She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer

Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.

"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee--by these angels he hath sent thee

Respite--respite aad nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!

Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!"

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!--

Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,

Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted--

On this home by Horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore--

Is there--_is_ there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me, I implore!"

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!

By that Heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore--

Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,

It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore--

Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--

"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!

Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!

Leave my loneliness unbroken!--quit the bust above my door!

Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;

And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,

And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor

Shall be lifted--nevermore!


Published, 1845.