Taxes

From Carrie.

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THE NEW 2007 PENIS TAX LAW

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that;
69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
10% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off
and 1% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION.

Cool Ring Tones

From Carrie.

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I think this is a cool story - wanted to share it with the bloggers.

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Gray Wolf's Howl Could Mean Incoming Call
Environmental Group Offers Animal Ringtones

An environmental group is offering free cell phone ringtones of more than 40 endangered and rare species.
The sound samples are available at RareEarthTones.org.
The co-founder of the Center for Biological Diversity, Peter Galvin, came up with the idea as a way to educate people, especially the younger, technologically savvy generation.
The ringtones include the howl of a Mexican gray wolf, the bellows of an Arctic beluga whale and the voices of several species of frogs and birds, including the blue-throated macaw, boreal owl, mountain yellow-legged frog and Yosemite toad.
The environmental group hopes that the more people hear these sounds, the more they'll wonder where they came from and question the fate of the animals that make them.
"People really respond to the wildlife ringtones. The animal calls are fascinating, they personalize your phone and they sound cool when it rings," Galvin said.

One Happy Woman

From Irene.

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A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed, and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 50-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up!" she replied.

Men, Take Notice

Woman stabs lover over poor sex
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (UPI) -- A Russian woman visiting her Swedish boyfriend is accused of stabbing him in the lung after an argument over disappointing lovemaking. Police in the northern Swedish town of Lulea told the newspaper Norrlandska Socialdemokraten that the couple agrees the dispute is tied to dissatisfaction with their sex life -- but their story differs on other points, The Local newspaper in Stockholm reported. The woman, who was visiting her boyfriend on a short-term visa, claims she stabbed her boyfriend in self-defense. The man, who was seriously injured in the attack, claims the fight was solely because of her disappointment with the evening's sex.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International

Albert Sends One In

Albert, a good friend of mine, sent in a label that he found.
It's rather humorous so here it is.

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Talk About A Bargain

Man finds 'Declaration' scroll for $2.48
NASHVILLE (UPI) -- A Tennessee man was right to buy the scroll he found in a thrift shop was worth the $2.48 asking price -- it's a rare copy of the Declaration of Independence. The Nashville Tennessean reported that Michael Sparks, a music equipment technician, found the scroll marked "1823" at the Music City Thrift Shop, took it home and began researching it on the Internet. He found that in 1820, Secretary of State John Quincy Adams commissioned 200 copies of the Declaration. The one Sparks found was printed by William Stone in 1823. "I'm told that it could go for between $200,000 and $300,000,'' Sparks told the Tennessean. Sparks plans to sell his find through Raynors' Historical Collectible Auctions of Burlington, N.C., which specializes in historic documents. Bidding is set to begin at $125,000.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International

Pommes Souffles

Pommes Souffles (puffed potatoes or souffleed potatoes).
Souffle potatoes must be cooked twice. Once at a low temperature (325) and a second time at a high temperature (375). At the second high temperature cooking the surface of the potatoes crisp instantly and form a waterproof skin, which will cause them to swell as the moisture inside turns quickly to steam causing the slices to puff up. The age of the potatoes is important. New potatoes have too much moisture and will not puff, and old potatoes that are soft will not puff.

Cut potatoes in slices 1/4 to 3/8 inch thick, and soak the sliced potatoes in ice water for at least 25 minutes. Drain them thoroughly and dry them thoroughly. Have 2 pans with oil on the stove, each with about 3 inches of oil. Heat one to 325 degrees and the other to 375 degrees. Carefully drop the slices into the 325 degree oil and cook for 6 to 7 minutes, either shaking the pan or moving the potatoes around with a long handled utensil The potatoes should begin to blister after about 5 minutes and rise to the top - continue cooking for an additional 1 minute. Using a slotted spoon or skimmer, remove the potatoes and drain on paper towels until they begin to soften. At this point the potatoes may be cooked the second time or held at room temperature for several hours for later service. To cook the second time, return the potatoes to the 375 degree oil - they should swell instantly.
DO NOT PUT TOO MANY POTATOES IN THE 375 degree oil at once -
the oil MUST remain very hot for the potatoes to puff. Cook until golden brown, moving them around in the oil - remove and drain on paper towels, discarding any slices that have not puffed.

Wintertime Blues

From Carrie.

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When it is time to park the motorcycles due to ice and snow, there is no need for 'speed withdrawal'-
here is the perfect replacement !!!
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I'm suppose to park the bike for the winter?

When I was racing, we raced year round. Ice and snow meant nothing to us.

And they still do this today. Here is an ad for a recent Ice Race.

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We would prepare the bikes by adding special ice grabbing cleats to our tires.

These high tech and highly specialized devices are known as 'screws'.

On Benefits Of Golfing

From Irene.

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An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive . . he's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So,I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to? The bride is pregnant..."

Food Trivia Quiz

Test your knowledge of food facts.
The answers, as always, are below.

1) What vegetable of the marrow family takes its name from a medieval French word meaning "cooked by the sun."
2) In April, 2001, Italian astronaut Umberto Guidoni and Canadian Astronaut Chris Hadfield brought some luxury food items with them to the International Space Station. Can you name these luxury foods?
3) The fruit from this tree is called 'monkey bread' and is eaten as is or used to make a drink, its flesh is dried and ground into flour, and the leaves are dried and crushed for flavoring. Even the pulp of the tree is sometimes eaten. What is the name of this tree?
4) What is the name of the yeast-raised dinner roll created accidently by the baker at a Boston Hotel in the 1870s?
5) This dish takes its name from the pan it is cooked in, which in turn comes from the Latin word for 'pan' or 'dish.' It originated in the Valencia region, traditionally cooked outdoors and eaten right from the pan. What is the name of this Spanish dish, AND the two ingredients common in all variations of it?
6) This traditional dish of a central European country can trace its origins back to the ninth century Magyar shepherds. Originally it consisted of chunks of meat and onions, slowly cooked until all the liquid was boiled away, and then dried in the sun. The meat could then be used to prepare a stew by boiling it in water. What is considered the key ingredient was added to the recipe in the 18th-century. What is the name of this dish, the country of origin and the key ingredient?
7) This 'fruit' will not ripen on the tree. They must be picked from the tree to initiate ripening because the leaves supply a substance that prevents ripening. The best way to store them is to leave them on the tree; they will store for 7 months or more when left on the tree. What is the name of this 'fruit'?
8) This sweetest of all fruits has a 55% sugar content. The tree has no blossoms because the flower is inside the fruit. What is this physically unusual fruit?
9) Native to the Mediterranean areas and the Middle East, this vegetable was used as a flavoring by the ancient Greeks and Romans and as a medicine by the ancient Chinese. It was first cultivated in Europe for medicinal purposes. Cultivation of the plant for food was first recorded in France in 1623, and was probably developed there or in Italy. By the early part of the 18th century, there had been improvement of the wild type previously transported to Italy, France, and England, and as early as 1726, the plant was being used in England to flavor soup and stews. The modern variety we all now know, was first cultivated in Kalamazoo Michigan, in 1874. Name this common vegetable.
10) First made at the beginning of the 20th century, this candy was named after a race horse of the time. Name the candy and the racehorse.


Answers
1) Pumpkin, from the medieval French 'pompom', ultimately, probably from the Greek 'pepon.'
2) Regiano Parmesan cheese and Canadian salmon.
3) The Baobab Tree.
4) Parker House Rolls, created at Boston's Parker House Hotel.
5) Paella, rice, and saffron.
6) Hungarian goulash (gulas) is the traditional stew of Hungary and Paprika was added in the 18th century.
7) Avocado.
8) Figs are the sweetest of all fruits, with a 55% sugar content. The flower of the fig is inside the fruit, so there are no blossoms on fig trees. Sort of like an inside out strawberry.
9) Celery, and the common modern variety is Pascal celery.
10) The candy is lollipop, the race horse was Lolly Pop.

Horse Sense

From Corrine.

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A man walked into a bar in Ramona, California, probably Cheers, and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching TV. One of Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ass!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the side of the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."

"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!"

Freebies, Special DVD Edition

Space Camp DVD Package

Discovery's Healthy Living DVD

The Mountain Air DVD

Front Sight Self Defense DVD

Hogleg, The Movie DVD

LeanSource: Speed Up Your Metabolism DVD

Up From Zero 9/11 DVD

Love And Marriage

From Corrine.

And I think she's probably right.

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, and golf--always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Wish

From Corrine.
How appropriate for people who grate on your nerves constantly.

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Here's A Wish for All of the Difficult People in Your Life:
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Credit Card Scams

Here is some important information from Carrie that could save you money and grief.

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When it comes to credit card scams, these are some new ones.
People definitely keep busy with new attempts to cheat us, don't they?
Be sure to read Scene 3.

SCENE 1.

A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself, "That's odd, I thought I locked the locker. Hmm," He dressed and looked through the wallet to be sure all was in order. Everything looked satisfactory as all of his cards seemed to be in place.

A few weeks later his credit card bill came - an extremely large bill of $14,000! He called the credit card company and began arguing with them, explaining how he had not made those transactions. Customer care personnel verified that there was no mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen.
"No," he said, as he took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yes - you guessed it - it was gone. A switch had been made. An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in his wallet. A thief had broken into his locker at the gym and switched cards.

Verdict: The credit card issuer informed him that since he did not report the card missing earlier, he was responsible for, and would have to pay the amount owed to them.

How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy?
$9,000!

Why were there no calls placed to verify the amounts swiped?
Small amounts rarely trigger a red flag with some credit card companies.
It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to big one!

SCENE 2.

A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card. The bill for the meal came, he signed it, and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along. Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person. He called the waitress and she looked perplexed. She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man. All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card. No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology.

Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours. Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken away for even a short period of time. Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, assuming that it has to be theirs.

FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!

SCENE 3.

Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called in. I paid by using my Visa Check Card, which, of course, is linked directly to my checking account. The young man behind the counter took my card, swiped it, and then laid it on the counter as he waited for the approval, which is pretty standard procedure.

While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialing. I noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when I take a picture. He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he was still pressing buttons.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious to what was really going on. Finally, it dawned on me: the only thing there was my credit card, so now I'm paying close attention to what he is doing.

He placed his phone on the counter, leaving it open (see footnote). About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved. Now I'm standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a picture of my credit card. Yes, he played it off well, because had we not had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened. Needless to say, I immediately canceled that card as I was walking out of the pizza parlor.

Verdict: The lesson here is, be aware of your surroundings at all times.

*Whenever you are using your credit card, use caution and don't be careless.
*Take notice of who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card.
*Be aware of phones, because many have a camera phone these days.
*When you are in a restaurant and the waiter/waitress brings your card and receipt for you to sign, be sure to remove the number from it. Some restaurants are using only the last four digits, but many continue to print the entire number on it.

I have already been a victim of credit card fraud and, believe me, it is not fun. The truth is that they can get you even when you are careful, so try not to make it easy for them.

INFORM AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ABOUT THESE PLOYS
DISHONEST PEOPLE USE IN ATTEMPTS TO STEAL FROM YOU.

LET'S GET THE WORD OUT!

JUST STAY AWARE

FOOTNOTE: (For men only. Women should not attempt this) At this point, with the phone lying on the counter, grab the phone. When the fellow asks what you are doing, tell him you are stealing his phone and he should call the police immediately. Then wait. If he hesitates, offer to call police for him. Then do it. When the police arrive, tell the story and show them the picture on the phone.
Justice is sweet and these types need to learn the consequences of their actions.

Pregnancy, Estrogen And Women

Carrie, a bonafide woman and mother of three herself, discusses women's issues including being preggers, the mysterious E and other stuff that men will never have a clue about.

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Pregnancy Q &A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

ESTROGEN ISSUES
TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space'.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

The Japanese, Sane Or Not?

We report, you decide.

From Carrie, an odd fashion fad.

The Japanese, they are not like us.

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New clothing trends

What you see below are not see-thru skirts. They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible and these are the current rage in Japan . They'll be the rage here soon.
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I forward this as a public service, so you won't have a heart attack when the rage reaches our shores.

Kids Write About The Sea

From Corrine.

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1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

ISP Problems

I've been having some trouble getting online yesterday and today. I called the support line and was connected to a fellow in India. He said something, I'm not sure what, and asked me to hold for two minutes. Then he hung up.

I think he said, "Thank you , come again."

The Simple Life

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
6. Apply red nail polish to your toe nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Taking A Trip?

Here is the place to stay!
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It's A Bad Day When...

* Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
* You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned, and no one saw anything.
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
* The good doctor tells you you are in fine health... for someone twice your age.
* It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
* Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
* People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
* You put both contacts into the same eye.
* You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard. 1
* Nothing you own is actually paid for.
* You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night... and there aren't any.
* The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker (this has happened to me).
* You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
* The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future, or lack thereof.

Amendments To The Man Code

Remember the 'Man Code'?

I posted it a while back.

Well, if you are a man, you should know it.

And if you are a woman, it doesn't matter to you.

Anyway, here are the new Amendments to the 'Man Code'.
Men, commit them to memory.



Official Amendments To The Man Code

1ne: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies in order to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

2wo: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

3hree: You may be flatulent in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she is officially your girlfriend.

4our: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

5ive: Friends do not let friends wear Speedos.
Ever.
Issue closed.

6ix: It is acceptable for you to drive her car.
It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

7even: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

8ight: The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.
End of story.

9ine: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

Violation of the rules contained within the Man Code will result in your being called a wuss.
Repeat offenders shall be referred to as Mrs. Wussy.

As it is written, so shall it be.
The International Council of Manlaws, Inc

Eight Words With Two Meanings

From Carrie.


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

FAST THINKING

From Corrine.

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A man walked into the produce section of this local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy,"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Wisconsin, sir" the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Wisconsin?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and football players!"
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Wisconsin."
"No shit?", replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

Hoax Email Warning From Corrine

Corrine dug up a hoax that is currently circulating via email.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are some emails currently making the rounds which contain a warning about a telephone service rip-off. They warn you that a caller will either identify himself or herself as a phone company representative wanting to test the line, or a sweepstakes spokesperson wishing to inform you about a prize you’ve won.

They allegedly will ask you to push certain keys on your phone (#-9-0, #-0-9 or 9-0-# depending on which one you read) saying it is necessary to test the line or to collect the prize. Their claim is that by doing so, you have given the caller access to your long distance service and could cost you thousands of dollars.

Even though this IS technically possible, it CANNOT happen to a residential phone or a cell phone, unless you have one of the old business, commercial or institutional PBX phone systems in your house. Those are the kind where you have to dial 9 to get an outside line, like hospitals and hotels have. This scam only works on those types of phone systems.

I know of five different versions of this hoax email. Most of them claim this works on cell phones (it does not).

To get a look at these emails and to read the truth about this hoax, see Snopes.

Fruitful

From Trev.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled this commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together,"

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

The Gunfighter

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 45 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got anymore tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
The Old Timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased!"

The Stats

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INTERESTING STATISTIC

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq , here's a sobering statistic:

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths.
That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.
That means that you are about 33% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington

Guess Your Age

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


On Being "50"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Ma’am, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't,” she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

If AOL Were A City...

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

Freebies

Celebrate Arbor Day Guidebook

Liftoff Energy Drink

8 Secrets for Great Shrimp

Head & Shoulders Restoring Shine

Oasis Mouthwash

Dove Advanced Color Care

Sunsilk

Marriage

Corrine shows us some of the bonuses that come with marriage.

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.

Is It That Time Already?

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bring on the St. Patrick’s Day jokes!
How about a limerick contest for the blog?

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not me brother...he's a clueless idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved and says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother.... I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

Update On Bobby

From Sweet.

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After learning of Bobby's, return. I decided as "Head of Information" for the "Riverbank" to check Bobby out... What has Bobby been doing???...So I called in a few favors from some "private dicks" I know...I wanted to go out and see for myself.... WHAT Bobby has been up to...however, it's not fun anymore since he filed the restraining order against me for stalking.... Nevertheless, take a look at what Bobby has been up to in his absence.....................

Love to All,
Sweet xoxoxoxo

My name is Bobby, I'm a filmmaker. I have a film company. I'll be posting my productions/short films soon. I favor the comedy genre; so if you want a quick laugh, feel free to check them out. I am hoping to build a fan base early on, for when I release my larger productions, so tell your friends if you like what you see! Thanks a lot

Bobby's Latest Film

Hello? Is This Thing On?

I think I destroyed my computer.

Around two this afternoon, I had gotten ahead of my workload and decided to take a break with a mug of coffee and a session on the Riverbank. I placed my big mug of coffee next to my laptop along with a slice of buttered toast. I walked away for a minute to get something, I don't remember exactly what, when I heard a sound. My son's new puppy wanted my toast. And in trying to get it, he tipped the mug of coffee into the laptop's keyboard.

The laptop frowned on this. I quickly took appropriate action (I screamed) and attempted to remedy the situation (I got another cup of coffee). The laptop lapsed into a coma. I administered CPR (I turned it upside down and shook it).

Surprisingly, this did not fix it. So I realized futher action might be necessary (two cups of coffee). I realized the laptop was going to need major repair. Good enough. I'll bring out the big guns. I rebooted it. That ought to do it!

It did not. The laptop was dark and making a strange beeping sound. Fine, I'll reboot it again.

Still nothing. Now it's starting to aggravate me. "Don't make me reboot you a third time", I told it. Cause I'll do it!

So I did the third reboot while telling it that I wasn't going to fool around like this all day. Only this time I turned it upside down and shook it again. That has to do it, I thought to myself.

Yep, that was the trick! These computers are highly technical, but an expert like me knows the proper procedures required in near disaster situations such as this.

So I'm back!

FOOTNOTE: This really happened. I immediately unplugged the machine and removed the battery. I disassembled it and cleaned it out. I allowed it to dry for a while and reassembled it. Everything seems to work except the keyboard. I plugged in an external keyboard and I'm on this machine right now.

Lunar Landing

If you don't know who Jackie Gleason or 'The Honeymooners' are, You won't get this one.

But trust me, it's funny.

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The First Woman On The Moon

You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
If you don't understand this, you are too young.

(Just send it to someone we all seem to know ~ everyone has an OLD friend!!!)
.
.

Get Ready To Smile

Courtesy of Corrine.
This is excellent!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)


(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...



"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously!

Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a lovely day

Efficiency Experts

Corrine shows us how the efficient way isn't always the best way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember this when you go out to eat at a nice restaurant:
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

A True Football Fan

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Washington Report

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Tuesday, as he arrived in Washington, President Bush stepped off Marine One and on to the White House lawn. He was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The capable, squared away Marine guard, who was assigned to Presidential duty on that day, abruptly snapped to attention, gave a quick salute and remarked to the President, "Nice looking pigs, sir."

The President replied, "These aren't pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got the other for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again abruptly snapped to attention, gave a quick salute and said, "Excellent trade, sir."