Sunday, March 30, 2008

Quote

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why God? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off." ---Stephen King

And The Sign Said...


Can you guess which song I was listening to when I made this up?


***********

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Saturday, March 29, 2008

Local Man Gets His 15 Minutes

Man Caught Having Sex with a Picnic Table
BELLEVUE, OH -- A man in central Ohio is accused of having sex with his picnic table.The investigation began when a tipster gave police three DVDs showing Arthur Price having sexual intercourse with a metal round table on his deck. The incidents occurred between January and March 2008. Police say the DVDs show Price involved in a sex act in his bedroom. He walks out to his deck, tilts the table on its side and has sex with it. Police say Price lives near an elementary school. Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table when police questioned him. He confirmed to police the incidents caught on the DVDs and said he had also had sex with the table inside the home. Price faces four counts of public indecency. He is free on a $20,000 bond.

One Sweet Haul


Trailer with 20 tons of chocolate stolen
MICHIGAN CITY, Ind. (UPI) -- Police said a semi-trailer containing more than 20 tons of Hershey's chocolate candy has been stolen from a Michigan City, Ind., truck stop. LaPorte County Police Chief of Detectives John Boyd said the thieves likely did not know what the trailer contained, as it was only labeled with the trucking company's name and the amount of stolen chocolate may be too large to be practical for black market sales. Truck driver Daryl Rey, 58, said he left the trailer Saturday at the Gas City truck stop on U.S. 421 and he returned the next day to find the 53-foot-long trailer, which contained 41,000 pounds of chocolate treats, had been stolen. He said the hidden satellite tracking device had been removed from the trailer, leading him to theorize professional thieves may have taken the load.

Stupid Inc.


These stories come from the people who put together the annual Darwin Awards.

*****
A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and he noticed that his dog had found a bone. It was a deer leg! The man tried to take the bone away from the dog. Like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure, and stayed just out of reach.
Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. His friends called 911 and he was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries.
He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion of murder.
At least he didn't hit the dog!
*****

Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.
After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers headed back to their cabin. Up popped a jackrabbit! The snowmobilers gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, and all snowmobiles backed off... except one.
This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1. But the rabbit had other ideas. It escaped into the culvert beneath the road.
Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.
This brand of snowmobile had a fuel tank mounted in front. The culvert admitted the tip of the snowmobile, then cut into the cowling, spilling fuel over the hot engine. The body of the snowmobiler was blown twenty feet back into the field.
The rabbit's whereabouts was unknown.
*****

A woman in Canada called the narcotics agent to her house, with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it "looked like baking powder." The police dispatched an officer and the rock was tested and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.
*****

A man had the good fortune to raise a healthy marijuana plant in his back yard. But then tragedy struck. He received a phone call from the authorities, saying he was busted but they would not press charges if he brought the bush into the station. Roots and all. So he sadly hacked his 8-foot annual down and carried it into the lobby of the Sheriff's office, where startled officers took him into custody for suspected felony cultivation. Turns out the phone call was a prank.

*****
Members of a Norfolk family were lucky to escape with their skins intact when 90 gallons of petrol stored in their garage unexpectedly ignited. What led to the explosion?
It turns out that these candidates for Least Intelligent Lifeform of the Universe had decided to stockpile petrol in readiness for potential fuel blockades. They purchased large water storage cans and began collecting fuel. But the seals on water cans are not suitable for corrosive materials.
The cans leaked, and flammable fumes filled the family garage -- which also contained the house's central heating boiler. When the temperature in the house dropped, the boiler switched on, igniting the fumes and creating a petrol fireball big enough to satisfy a Hollywood director. Although nobody actually died, the family wins an Honorable Mention for their disastrous ingenuity.

*****
A professional French pickpocket used astoundingly poor judgment when selecting his most recent victim at the Seville Airport. The thief, who specializes in international events that attract crowds of visitors, thought he was in his element when he circled a group of young men and chose his prey. Little did he realize that he was dipping into the bag of Larry Wade, champion 110-meter hurdler for the US Athletic team. He was also spotted by Maurice Green, the fastest sprinter on Earth, capable of running 100 meters in 9.79 seconds. The two athletes quickly chased down the thief despite his hefty head start. The pickpocket attempted to pretend that he was just an innocent French tourist, but the entire episode was captured on film by a Spanish television crew that had been interviewing Mr. Greene at the time. "He chose the wrong man," deadpanned a spokesman for the Civil Guard.


*****

Two young men driving a dark-blue two-door vehicle removed a barricade festooned with numerous warning signs indicating bridge closure, drove past several heavy construction vehicles, and launched themselves off the end of a demolished bridge in Albuquerque on Saturday. The car careened across a roadbed of unpaved I-beams before plunging 30 feet and burying its front end in a dirt embankment at the junction of I-25 and I-40. The young men were taken into police custody unharmed. A spokesman for the state Highway and Transportation Department issued a public plea for common sense. "Don't go through those barricades. Find another route. It's the only safe thing to do." The seat belt law is strictly enforced in New Mexico, but unfortunately there is no law against stupidity.


Has anybody seen the bridge?
Where's that confounded bridge.
-Led Zeppelin

Funnies From Alrad
























This Is Depressing

Christobol made the following remark on his site.

"Well, the world is falling apart."

I left this him comment.

"The world really is falling apart. Prices for everything are ludicrous. Many people have neither values, nor morals. Simple survival is becoming beyond reach for far too many innocent souls. Civilization is truly in jeopardy. And all I want to is laugh about it.

Why?

What’s my other choice?"


Myself, I think that is the only way to view it. I think we shouldn't be too serious about life.

After all, it's not permanent.

Friday, March 28, 2008

MY LIVING WILL

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
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She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
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.
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She's such a bitch.....

Herman and the Army

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
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On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
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On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jockstrap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Play It Again

How many of you oldsters remember the old Atari game, 'Kaboom!'?

Play it again right HERE.

Awwwwwww !!!

No More Free Beer With a Trim
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) - The owner of Jude's Barbershops will continue offering haircuts and shaves to his customers, but no more free beer.
The Michigan attorney general's office says Thomas Martin's 11 shops in the Grand Rapids area may not hand out a brew with each cut because he needs a liquor license.
Martin says he was just continuing an old-fashioned complimentary service for his customers that started years ago.
Police had told him that handing out free beer violated local and state laws.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Take Your Time Now!

From Sweet.
Sweet claims this story is true, so I checked.
She is right, it is a true story!

~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed .
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'


(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people.

Random Bits


From TZ in Chicago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I played golf with a drug company sales rep. He told me of a drug that his company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called "Gingko Viagra," and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
*****
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
*****
I drink in moderation.
'Moderation' is an imaginary place that exists wherever I am.
*****
One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?'
'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.'

A Request


From Southern Girl.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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.


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To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THEM WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate,
movie tickets or gasoline vouchers.
Thank you!
.
P,S, Or beer!

Irony


There is no iron in irony.

Also, there is no phone in phony.
Nor is there any wishing or washing in wishy washy.
Neither is there any need for more of this nonsense!

***************


Isn't It Ironic...
1. Online pop-ups offering to help you get rid of online pop-ups advertisements.

2. When your Seeing Eye dog goes blind.
3. Needing to pay someone to help you pay your taxes.
3. Wondering if you are entitled to the deep sense of loss you feel when a celebrity you admire dies.
4. That Valentine's Day was placed in February, just in case single people who have recovered from the loneliness that Christmas and New Year's Eve induced.
5. That even the fanciest restaurants suffer from pest-control problems.
6. Wondering who was rude enough to leave an empty roll of toilet paper and then remembering it was you.
7. Tipping the bartender for handing you a bottle of beer, but giving nothing to the guy who pumps your gas in the pouring rain.
8. That we judge balding men by the choices they make in coping with their baldness.
9. That finding your roach traps empty only adds to your fear that they don't work, instead of reassuring you that you don't have roaches anymore.
10. That all good things come to an end, but some mediocre things seem to last a very long time.
11. When you wish, as you blow out the candles, is that this be the last birthday you spend with the people around you.
12. Cults that build up huge arsenals, refuse to pay taxes, and complain that the FBI is watching over them.
13. People who refuse to see a psychologist because they don't need to pay someone to help them out with their issues, but will gladly spend $100 a week at a tanning salon.
14. What most telescopes are used for.
15. When your fear of overpacking causes you to underpack.
16. Paying a toll to cross a bridge when you know you're going in the wrong direction.
17. The fact that many old people are forced to live out the remainder of their lives in formerly good neighborhoods.
18. Paying three bucks for a cup of soda that's 70 percent ice.
19. That the most intense laughter you have usually comes at the least appropriate time.
20. That you wouldn't have the faintest idea if your accountant was ripping you off.

They Really Said That?

They probably wish they hadn't.

***************

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
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"But what is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977
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"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981, commenting on size of RAM in computers

Freebies

Starbucks Coffee

Nutrasweet Swirl

Magnetic Trading Card Holder

Bonne Bell Smackers

Fiber One Caramel Delight

Xcid

Dexatrim Max20

Colgate Total® Advanced Whitening

Vaseline®Intensive Rescue™

GLAD® ForceFlex® Trash Bags

Curél® Life’s Stages™

Garnier Nutritioniste

Scotch Brite

JNK Garage Floor Sample Kit

Total Cranberry Crunch

A Memo From Corrine


Here is a memo I received from Corrine today.


It's nice to know that people think about you.


I think.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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And Now A Word From The President


From Carrie.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Orange?

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's unit isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"
The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. Darn, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"

By The Numbers


Numbers, Averages And Percentages
85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

67.5% of men wear briefs.
85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
29% of us are virgins when we marry.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary.
59% of us say we're average-looking.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
28% of us have skinny-dipped.
14% with the opposite sex.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
62% of us pop our zits.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
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SOURCE: SociallyBlog, Inc.

Honk If Anything Falls Off


Piece Of US Airways Jetliner Traveling From Orlando Dislodges
March 24, 2008
ORLANDO, Fla. -- US Airways said a small part of a jetliner's wing dislodged and hit a passenger window as it flew over Maryland.
The airline says no injuries were reported aboard the Boeing 757 twin-jet airliner traveling Sunday from Orlando to Philadelphia with 174 passengers and six crew members aboard. The plane landed safely in Philadelphia.
Anne Arundel County Fire department Division Chief Michael Cox said a fax from US Airways' security office indicated that the 17.5 square-inch piece of a wing cover might have fallen somewhere in Prince George's or Anne Arundel counties or near Kent Island.
The airline says it has taken the plane out of service and is investigating.

Monday, March 24, 2008

In The Future


Geno and Sweet, both in their 90’s, had been courting for some time, when Geno suggested to Sweet, “I think it's time we had sex, don't you?”

.

She agreed, and they went off together and had sex.

.

Afterward, as they were lying in bed, Geno was thinking to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been a bit gentler with her!"

.

Meanwhile, Sweet was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

The World According To Krista

Check it out, she seems to know.

No clues required!

Cows

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
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Maybe we should give them all a cow.

Gas

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas...


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The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

A Message For Easter From Sweet


THE BRICK
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A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?'
The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister… please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop....'
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.
'It's my brother, 'he said. 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'
God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
.
.
Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning.
Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

.
God didn't promise days without pain,

laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,
but He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
.
Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

An Easter Treat From Corrine


Happy Easter!



Happy Easter


to everyone from everyone at the Riverbank


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.


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Carrie


Corrine


Southern Girl


Sweet


Tramp


.


And remember to be good on this Easter Holiday


or you might get a spanking from the Easter Swartzenbunny!


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SpongeGeno ???



Yes, I am drinking.

.


*********



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Sweet's Fetish


Geno and Sweet had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening they were beginning to undress each other in his bedroom.
Geno said, "Before we go any further, Sweet, tell me do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled Sweet, "I do happen to have a foot fetish... but I suppose I'd settle for maybe nine or ten inches."

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Rumors


Geno told Johnny that Johnny's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with Johnny's best friend.
Worried and hurt, Johnny ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back contented and relieved.
Geno asked him how it went.
"Look," said Johnny, "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend... I don't even know him."

Frequency

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?", he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one or two words?"

Friday, March 21, 2008

Typo? Or Freudian Slip?


Here is something I found in the Riverbank office today.
It's a memo from Sweet that was left on the copier.


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I wonder where her mind was at?

She was talking with Geno earlier.


.


Watch your typo's folks, you never know what you might reveal about yourself.



.


*******



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Life For Dummies

I found this guide for stupid people, which was written by Samuel Stoddard, so ridiculously stupid that it's funny.

Enjoy it, and if you know someone who might benefit from it, don't give it to them.

This is a joke, people.

There is no cure for stupid.

It's like telling a great joke to a dog.

Sure, the joke is still funny, but the dog just won't get it.

And what's the point of telling great jokes to someone you already know is not going to laugh?

.

Here is a quick test to use before you commit to telling a great joke to someone.

Tell them this, "A mind is terribly expensive to get wasted."

If they don't at least smile, move on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Stupid Person's Guide to Life
By Samuel Stoddard

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Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner's manual? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you have come to the right place. This page provides, free of charge, a short "guide to life." In here, you will find most of the information you need to live life day by day without inadvertently maiming yourself. Read carefully. Carry out each instruction to the letter.
----------------------------

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The Guide

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Do not eat rocks.

Do not take naps in the road.
Do not stoke fires with your fingers.
Do not throw a brick straight up.
Do not breathe car exhaust.
If you ever meet the President, do not offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Do not stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you are traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, do not do it with your head.
Do not flip off the Mafia.
If you are riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
Do not shave with a lawn mower.
Just because your body has orifices does not mean you should put things into them.
Do not stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what is inside.
The warning "Don't try this at home" really means, "Don't try this at all."
Do not bathe in a tub full of snow.
Do not iron clothes while wearing them.
The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
Do not eat hot coals.
Do not break into jail.
Do not wash floors with cough syrup.
Do not kick porcupines with bare feet.
Do not sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
Sell at most one of your kidneys.
Do not lie down in a cattle pen.
Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
Do not test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
Do not snap towels at passing cops.
Do not throw an angry cat straight up.
Do not lick dry ice.
Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
Do not pour salt in your eyes.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Do not make any more.
Do not microwave yourself.
Do not chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
Do not swallow toothpaste.
Do not chew Tylenol.
Do not bathe in gasoline.
Do not sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
Do not drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
Do not stick body parts into electrical outlets.
Do not listen to music from the Spice Girls.
Do not lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
Do not go swimming in a well.
Rake leaves, not people.
Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
Contrary to popular opinion, you are not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
If you want to chew gum, buy some. Do not use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it is free.
Do not kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, do not jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
When using an acetylene torch, do not feel the flame to see if it is sufficiently hot.
Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
Elvis is dead. Get over it.
Wear clothes.
Use a potholder when removing items from the oven.
If you are on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" do not actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
Do not drink.
Do not drive.
Do not tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
Do not brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
When using a weed whacker, do not hold the end with the wire.
When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
Give me all your money.
When sticking thumbtacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

If I Die Before You Wake...

From Geno.

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Usually, I don't edit Geno.

But this time I had to.

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You've got to see this.....

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WOW..very moving!

This loads fast, so watch and listen.

This soldier produced video is different, moving and heartwarming.

This guy could probably land a recording contract when he comes home!

I Stand Corrected!

A couple of days ago, I accused this guy of having bad hair.



When you bring these two ladies into the game, you'll see I missed the mark on that call!
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I think those two photos would work well in a caption contest.
If you have a caption for either pic, or both if you prefer, post it in comments and I'll put them up here.
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I'll start with one for the second picture.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present the Alfred Hitchcock International Airport"

What's In A Name, Part Three


From Krista.
She left this in the comments, but it's too good to not share!

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Have you ever noticed the names of people who live in Utah?
Those Mormons have a secret stash of SOMETHING out there.
I found this website when I was looking for other bad baby names:


The Utah Baby Namer

Sift through the lists and try not to laugh. I dare you.
Someone out there actually named their kids Tabernacle, Celestial Glory, and Sparkle…

I think the lack of caffeine has warped their brains.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Author Arthur C. Clarke Dies At Age 90

From CNN.

**************

(CNN) -- Author Arthur C. Clarke, whose science fiction and non-fiction works ranged from the script for "2001: A Space Odyssey" to an early proposal for communications satellites, has died at age 90, associates have said.
Clarke had been wheelchair-bound for several years with complications stemming from a youthful bout with polio and had suffered from back trouble recently, said Scott Chase, the secretary of the nonprofit Arthur C. Clarke Foundation.
He died early Wednesday -- Tuesday afternoon ET -- at a hospital in Colombo, Sri Lanka, where he had lived since the 1950s, Chase said.
"He had been taken to hospital in what we had hoped was one of the slings and arrows of being 90, but in this case it was his final visit," he said.

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FULL STORY

Facts Of Life


From TZ.


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Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

(The daughter looks puzzled.)

That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but last night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

What's In A Name, Part Two


Voting opens for world's oddest book title 2008
LONDON (AFP) - British industry magazine The Bookseller has announced this year's shortlist for the oddest book title of the year, with a typical mix of the quirky and eclectic. Visitors to the magazine's website, www.thebookseller.com, can make their choice from six mostly non-fiction titles unearthed by publishers, bookstore workers and librarians from around the world.
The winner will be announced on March 28.

The nominees for The Diagram Prize are:
-- "I Was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen" by Jasper McCutcheon;
-- "How to Write a How to Write Book" by Brian Paddock;
-- "Are Women Human? And Other International Dialogues" by Catharine A. MacKinnon;
-- "Cheese Problems Solved" by P.L.H McSweeney;
-- "If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" by Big Boom;
-- "People who Mattered in Southend and Beyond: From King Canute to Doctor Feelgood" by Dee Gordon.

Horace Bent, The Bookseller's diarist, said on the magazine's website: "I confess: I have been anxious that as publishing becomes ever more corporate, the trade's quirky charms are being squeezed out."Lists are pruned, targets are set, authors are culled. But happily my fears have been proved unfounded: oddity lives on."
Last year's winner was "The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification", by Julian Montague.
The Diagram Prize has been running since 1978, when the winner was "Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice".

UFO Sighted!

Really!
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CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. (AP) - A mountainside house being auctioned in Tennessee is perfect for anyone tolerant of gawkers and fascinated with outer space: It's built like a flying saucer.
The home "landed" on a twisting road leading to Chattanooga's Signal Mountain in 1970 - just after television executives grounded the run of the original "Star Trek" series. It will be sold to the highest bidder Saturday.
The circular house - ultramodern when it was built - is ringed with small square windows and directional lights and perched on six "landing gear" legs. It has multiple levels, three bedrooms, two baths and an entrance staircase that retracts with the push of a button.
Terry Posey, an agent with Crye-Leike Auctions of Cleveland, Tenn., said the current owner has had the property only four months and didn't want to comment. Posey posted an e-Bay ad and said he already has a $100,000 bid.
John Kleeman of Litchfield, Conn., an attorney and space culture enthusiast, said he knows of variations of the flying saucer design in Florida, Connecticut and California.
The flying saucer designs popped up about the time of the moon landings. "That's when all the excitement was," Kleeman said.
The Chattanooga home's unusual shape - sort of like two white Frisbees pasted together - poses some interior decorating challenges. The curve of the exterior creates a sloping ceiling and short side walls, but there's also a striking curved bar and a custom bathtub.
The house is larger than the prefabricated and movable UFO-shaped structures, known as Futuro houses, designed by Finnish architect Matti Suuronen in 1968.
"It really looked like a spaceship ready to take off," said realtor Lois Killebrew, who handled an open house at the first sale of the Chattanooga home decades ago.
The late Curtis W. King and his family built the unusual home because "they liked to do unusual things," Killebrew said.


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This "flying saucer" house, pictured on the side of Signal Mountain in Chattanooga, Tenn., Tuesday, March 11, 2008, will go up for auction on Saturday. The buyer needs a fascination for outer space, tolerance for gawkers and at least $100,000. Built by the late Curtis W. King in 1970, the circular house has multiple levels, three bedrooms, two bathrooms and an entrance staircase that lowers and retracts with the push of a button.

Annual Checkup

From Irene.

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During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

Quote


"They say hard work never hurt anybody,
but, I figure, why take the chance?"

-- Ronald Reagan (1911-2004) American President

Luck Of The Irish

Trivia Quiz - Good Luck Superstitions
Average Score: 3.6 / 10 = 36%

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Question 1: Why is it good luck to cross your fingers when hoping for something?
A: Making a cross to keep away evil spirits

B: Showing your hands aren't free to meddle in your own fate
C: Indicating a lie, to show you're not expecting your own good luck
D: Crossing a finger over the vein from your heart for support
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Question 2: Why do we knock on wood for good luck?
A: To make noise to frighten away demons

B: To make a connection to the earth
C: The more solid the wood sounds, the better your luck will be
D: To wake up the good spirits that live in trees
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Question 3: How should you look at a new moon for good luck?
A: In a mirror

B: Through a pane of glass
C: Over your right shoulder
D: Reflected against a stream at midnight
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Question 4: When is it luckiest to cut your hair?
A: First thing in the morning

B: During a storm
C: On your birthday
D: During a full moon
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Question 5: Which way should you sleep facing for good luck?
A: North

B: South
C: East
D: West
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Question 6: Which of these isn't one of the traditional lucky things to pick up in the street?
A: A lump of coal

B: A pin
C: A glove
D: A penny
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Question 7: Unlike a mirror, what is it good luck to break?
A: Old dishes

B: Picture frames
C: Green glass
D: Clear glass
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Question 8: What insect is it lucky to have land on you?
A: A ladybug

B: A butterfly
C: A moth
D: A bumblebee
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Question 9: If your clothing is caught up in a bush or briar while out walking, what are you likely to gain?
A: A good husband or wife

B: Wealth
C: Long life
D: Great wisdom
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Question 10: What should you carry for good luck and longevity?
A: A small mirror

B: A long piece of string
C: An acorn
D: A small bag of rose petals
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Answers
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Question 1: Why is it good luck to cross your fingers when hoping for something?

A: Making a cross to keep away evil spirits
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Question 2: Why do we knock on wood for good luck?

D: To wake up the good spirits that live in trees
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Question 3: How should you look at a new moon for good luck?

C: Over your right shoulder
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Question 4: When is it luckiest to cut your hair?

B: During a storm
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Question 5: Which way should you sleep facing for good luck?

B: South
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Question 6: Which of these isn't one of the traditional lucky things to pick up in the street?

C: A glove
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Question 7: Unlike a mirror, what is it good luck to break?

D: Clear glass
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Question 8: What insect is it lucky to have land on you?
A: A ladybug

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Question 9: If your clothing is caught up in a bush or briar while out walking, what are you likely to gain?

B: Wealth
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Question 10: What should you carry for good luck and longevity?

C: An acorn

Having A Bad Hair Day?

No, you're not.

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**********

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Times Are Tough Everywhere!

Madam: Sex Too Hard to Sell These Days
HAMBURG, Germany (AP) - The oldest bordello in Hamburg's red-light district is shutting down for lack of business, according to newspaper reports published Friday.
The family-run Hotel Luxor, established in 1948, is being sold to an investor and will close down for good next month, madam Waltraud Mehrer said, according to the Hamburg Morgenpost and Bild newspapers.
She blamed the decline in business on easily available Internet porn, the rise of call-girl services, and "noisy discos and dance clubs" on the same street as her business, the newspapers reported.
"You can't make any big money selling sex in St. Pauli any more," she was quoted as saying, referring to the area that includes the red-light district. "The only thing still in operation are the table dance clubs."
The club's heyday was in the 1970s, when it was open 7 days a week, with 12 prostitutes on hand.
"Our customers were well off, they didn't scrimp," she said. "That's also changed today."
Hotel Luxor today employs four prostitutes, and is only open Tuesday through Friday nights.
"Two thousand euros (US$3,080) per night - it was like that once," one of the women, who gave her name only as "Nicole," told the Morgenpost. "Now I can only dream of that. I've been here a year and only earn around euro200 (US$308) per shift."

What's In A Name


From Carrie.

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The worst, most humiliating baby names.
The the silliest, craziest and downright cruelest names of all time.

Ancestry.com collected the "best worst names" of real, documented people from the U.S. Census Reports. Which do you think takes the cake?

Uranus Stukey
Ghoul Nipple
Acne Fountain
Lust T. Castle
Mary A. Jerk
Ima Whore
Mutton Bucker
Hugh Jass
Fanny Whiffer
Tackle Feigenbutz
Envy Burger
Bum Snoddy
Mule E. McCart
Lard Mooney
Good Hell
Emma Royd
Noble Butt
Naught E. Bishop
Stud Duck
Vote for your (least) favorite HERE.

Monday, March 17, 2008

The Riverbank's Own Leprechaun


Sunday, March 16, 2008

Quote

The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental proportions; They don't know whether to vote for the "Nut" with two Boobs or the "Boob" with two Nuts.

-- Anon.

What is a redneck?


From TZ.
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To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South.
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To somebody in the South, it is anybody in Mississippi.
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To a person in Mississippi it is somebody who lives in a mobile home.
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To somebody in MS living in a mobile home, it is a guy who drives a pickup.
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To a MS guy in a trailer house who drives a pickup, it is a guy who drives a pickup with a Dale Earnhart decal on it.
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To a MS guy in a trailer house with a decal of Dale Earnhart on his pickup, a redneck is somebody who drives around with his dog in the back of the truck.
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And to a MS guy driving around in his Dale Earnhart pickup with his dog in the back, a redneck is a guy who puts Coca Cola in his morning coffee.