Two Trees

I actually told this joke to a couple of Amish woodcutters.

They didn't appreciate it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."

I Know They Have Swamps...

But do they really need these down South?
.
.

Runs Like A Deere

.
.

Not Again.

What is going on with these people?
And why don't they just go to Iraq and do this?
I'll buy the ticket for them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Officials: Three shot dead at Missouri shopping center
11:07 p.m. EDT, April 29, 2007

A gunman already suspected of wounding a police officer shot and killed two people and wounded at least two others at a shopping center in Kansas City, Missouri, before being gunned down by police, authorities said Sunday.

"It appears that he came to the mall to shoot people," said Sgt. Tony Sanders, a Kansas City police spokesman. "Whether it was random or not we do not know."

Police are also investigating any connection the man may have had to the death of an elderly woman whose body was found in her home a few miles away, police said.

Sanders said the man shot and killed two people in the parking lot of Ward Parkway Center, about nine miles south of downtown, about 3:30 p.m. He continued into the mall, where witnesses said he fired several more shots with what appeared to be a sawed-off shotgun, but police later determined to be a rifle.

SOURCE: CNN

The Hamster Shredder

No, it doesn't shred the hamster!

But now the little guy can earn his keep.

Your documents are shredder with no energy cost and Hammy can make his own bedding.

The Hamster Shredder makes sense, but it's still funny!
.
.

Globalization

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana's death.

Question:
How come?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling,)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese
chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

Honorable Mention

In the 'Stupid Sign' category, this rates at least that high.
.
.

Remember This!

Yes, you too.
.
.

The Fabio Fone

Remember Fabio?

Fabio wants to call you!

He needs to borrow a few bucks.

I'm kidding!

Here is a means to let you send a personalized phone call from Fabio to whomever you choose.

Even yourself!

The Fabio Fone

Freebies, Special Sports Edition

Partners Magazine And Golf Balls

The Sportsman Magazine

Secret To Hitting - Baseball DVD

Top Flite Golf Balls

Governer Butch?

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BUTCH THE ROOSTER

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted Awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Guide To Road Signs

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Road signs and what they really mean...
.
.

Geno Called

Geno called today.

I missed his call.
I was busy at the time, or some other unacceptable excuse like that.
I didn’t hear his call.
And I feel bad about it.

When Geno calls, life improves.
No matter where you are at right now,

When Geno calls, it becomes better.

Life can suck.
And it usually does.
But Geno can fix that.
And he always will.

If you don’t know Geno,
Enjoy the anticipation.

But if you do,
Congratulations.
On being in the highest ’who you know’ class existing today!`
Cuz nuthin’ else touches it!

Nuthin’ even comes close.

My brother Geno makes life so much better.
And I know it so well!

I Got Nuthin'... Nuthin'

GUWEI'IYYA, Saudi Arabia (Reuters) - The legs are long, the eyes are big, the bodies curvaceous.

Contestants in this Saudi-style beauty pageant have all the features you might expect anywhere else in the world, but with one crucial difference -- the competitors are camels.

This week, the Qahtani tribe of western Saudi Arabia has been welcoming entrants to its Mazayen al-Ibl competition, a parade of the "most beautiful camels" in the desolate desert region of Guwei'iyya, 120 km (75 miles) west of Riyadh.

"In Lebanon they have Miss Lebanon," jokes Walid, moderator of the competition's Web site. "Here we have Miss Camel."

Good Answer

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not bad.

This Officer has to be a former Marine.

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass." The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Ass hole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination, the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined.
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile."
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"

rectum deodorant

From Southern Girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

now, is this somethin we (with the exception of sheryl crow) really need?

i mean, like if ya bathe on a somewhat regular basis, there shouldn't be a need, right?

Right! But we aren't blonde. - Tramp

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unphased, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any".
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

Autism Speaks

A very good cause from Carrie.

Do it now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Autism Speaks, the organization for the Autism Awareness campaign created a music video of the Five for Fighting song, "World", which features images of children with autism and their families. The band is generously donating $0.49 to Autism Speaks for each time the video is viewed and the winning charity will receive a special prize (there are several others on the site).

When you have a moment, please visit the link below to watch the video and pass it along to your friends and family. They are aiming for 10,000 hits, but hopefully we can help them to surpass this goal.

Five For Fighting

Texas Preacher

A deserved charge.
From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Texas preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Cremated Husband

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!"

The Bush Dance

Sweet has more video of of 'Dubya' dancing.

It's nothing new to me.
I've watched him dance around issues and questions for years now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems the 'Bush Dance' is the new 'Chicken Dance'!

The Bush Dance

He is your President.
If you don't like the way he dances, make him dance your way!

Sweet
xoxoxoxo:

I See A Parallel Here

From Carrie, an analogy that makes sense. A lot of sense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A homeowner bought a bird feeder and hung it on the back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week hundreds of birds were taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. Then the trouble started; the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop, it was everywhere, on the patio tile, the chairs, the table, just everywhere. Then some of the birds turned mean, they would dive bomb the homeowner and try to peck even though the homeowner had fed them out of the goodness of his heart. Others birds were boisterous and loud as they sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night demanding that the homeowner fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, the homeowner couldn't even sit on the back porch anymore. The homeowner took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. The homeowner cleaned up the mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be, quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see...


Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then foreigners came illegally by the millions; shortly our taxes went up to pay for the free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; we have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English; corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; you have to press "one" to hear your bank talk to you in English; and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And clean up the mess.
Close the shop, lock the doors and take the trash out! - Tramp

Speaking of EBay...

This is my EBay feedback.

Until, that is, they suspended me for not allowing them to advertise here.

I post this to show that I have nothing to hide.

The one negative feedback was from a genius who sent me the wrong item and couldn't believe that I wanted him to pay for shipping both ways as it was his mistake. I paid it.

Moron.

He calls that 'unreasonable'. You decide.

The Most Important Sites Out There

I've said it before and Carrie is saying it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please visit these sites.

They truely are the most important sites on the 'net today.

The Hunger Site Feeds the hungry

The Animal Rescue Site Feeds the animals

The Child Health Site Funds child health care

The Literacy Site Funds books for kids

The Breast Cancer Site Funds free mammograms

The Rainforest Site Preserves endangered land

A visit and a click on these sites fund good causes and they are all free to you.

George 'Happy Feet' Bush

And he Bongos!

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bush has got the moves...

Sweet
xoxoxox

Boogie Fever at the White House

Bubba And Billy Bob

A true story from Sweet.

At least I'm guessing it's true!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man... ya'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning way, laughing, and looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard-Almighty!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

What Would We Do Without EBAY?

From Carrie.

Oh my God!

PS. Not Allah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What in the hell are people buying on ebay?
These are Feedbacks from purchases…
there are some crazy nuts out there!

EBay Feedback - not mine - thank you!

In Days Of Old When Nights Were Bold...

A Blast from the Past with Corrine.

And no, 'nights' is NOT a typo!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW THESE WERE CARS!!!

The Greatest Story Ever Told

From Carrie, I love this story.

This teacher deserves an award. No, several awards.

Those children will remember that lesson for the rest of their lives.

Be sure you remember as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies schoolteacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock, did something not to be forgotten.

On the first day of school, with permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she took all of the desks out of the classroom. The children came into first period and there were no desks.
They obviously looked around and asked, "Ms. Cothren, where's our desk?"
And she replied, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn them."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said."
Maybe it's our behavior."
And she told them, "No, it's not even your behavior."
And so they came and went in the first period, still no desks in the classroom.
Second period, same thing, and third period also.

By early afternoon television news crews had gathered in Ms Cothren's class to find out about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of the classroom.

The last period of the day, Martha Cothren gathered her class. They were at this time sitting on the floor around the sides of the room.
And she says, "Throughout the day no one has really understood how you earn the desks that sit in this classroom ordinarily."
She said, "Now I'm going to tell you."

Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it. As she did, 27 U.S. veterans, wearing their uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school
desk. And they placed those school desks in rows, and then they stood along the wall. And by the time they had finished placing those desks, those kids, for the first time I think perhaps in their lives, understood how they earned those desks.

Martha said, "You don't have to earn those desks. These guys did it for you. They put them out there for you, but it's up to you to sit here responsibly to learn, to be good students and good citizens, because they paid a price for you to have that desk, and don't ever forget it."

Friends,
I think sometimes we forget that the freedoms that we have are freedoms not because of celebrities. The freedoms are because of ordinary people who did extraordinary things, who loved this country more than life itself, and who not only earned a school desk for a kid at the Robinson High School in Little Rock, but who earned a seat for you and me to enjoy this great land we call home, this wonderful nation that we better love enough to protect and preserve with the kind of conservative, solid values and principles that made us a great nation.

"We live in the Land of the Free because of the brave."

Please remember our Troops!

Classic Riverbank* - Geno Part II, The Beginning

Classic Geno*

As Geno stories go, this one is rather mild.

Nevertheless, this is the best way to introduce Geno. A little at a time.

A starter story, if you will.


Here is Geno with his new Billy Bob teeth, imitating the person who sells the Kentucky bird dogs.

Geno always wanted to be a cowboy (yeah, him and Kid Rock. But Kid Rock has one advantage over Geno. Kid Rock HAS fear).

I grew up on a ranch. We had cattle and horses, and I had to feed these animals every day. They eat a lot. Feeding them is not like feeding a dog. Carrying their hay bales and feed buckets will amaze you by showing you how much weight they eat every day. And they spend the rest of the day eating grass.

Did I mention they eat a lot?

I would be worn out after every meal. However, this kind of close interaction with large animals teaches you to respect them . Especially the bull. A whole lot of respect.

Respect out the wazoo.

And by respect, I mean fear. Sheer terror at times.

Geno was a city boy. But he wore cowboy boots. That apparently made him an expert on cattle , or so he seemed to think. Geno wanted to go to the barn with me while I fed the animals. He had seen them on TV he said, nothing to them. I think you can imagine the look on my face.
"Geno" I say, "stay away from the bull. Do not upset him; he's NOT a TV bull. And he outweighs two of your motorcycles."
No problem says Geno.

Why does it always turn into a large problem when Geno says 'no problem'.

Again, I tell him, "Leave the bull alone, this one has no sense of humor,” and half of that statement could be applied to Geno at times (No sense. And by 'sense', I mean 'fear').

So anyway (and don't ask me why I did not expect it, I was slow that day), Geno decides to play Bull Fighter.
No Geno, don't. That is a really bad idea. Really, really bad!
Too late though, nothing stops Geno, the Mighty Matador.

Well, if his mission was to piss that bull off, then he accomplished his mission.

I stood in the pasture watching not out of curiosity, but frozen in fear. This thing is big, heavy, fast and sharp in the front. Not Geno, no sir. He's egging the bull on.
"Come on bull, you think you're tough!", he's yelling.
"He is tough, Geno, he's wearing leather", I point out.
"I'll turn him into boots!", Geno proclaims.
"No, I think he's going to turn you into a rug", is all I can think to say.
"I ain't no rug! And no one's gonna turn me into one!", he challenges.

Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.

I am trying to calculate which one I could get to quicker; the barn, or the fence.
Neither looks close. Great strategy Geno, you pinned us in the middle of the pasture with a living bulldozer that's pissed off.

When I woke up that morning, that wasn't my first wish for how the day should go.

We are not getting out of this one.
Here comes Mr. Bull. Fast, heavy, sharp and big. Oh, and pissed. And the ground is shaking.
When a bull that large is coming at you that fast, you call him Mister and try to stay out of his way.

I was explaining to the bull, by pointing at Geno, who was at fault here. Well, fortunately, the bull took my argument that it was indeed Geno, and not me, who had upset the big guy.
Did I mention Geno could run?
Really fast?

Unfortuantely, he is heading for the barn, and the doors are closed.
Bad call Geno, I thought.
Turns out, I spoke too soon. In one swift motion, with Mr. Bull inches from his butt, Geno jumps, flies, and grabs the edge of the barn roof with his fingertips. In what can only be described as an act straight from The Flying Wallendas, he morphs into a gymnast and plants his feet squarely on the roof of the barn.

I was impressed.

I was wishing I could do that. For about three seconds. That's when the bull decided that if he cannot reach Geno, then I’d have to do. This bull was an equal opportunity mauler.
Go legs go, was the only thought I had. Mr. Bull was gaining fast and the fence looked so small from this distance. I’m never going to make it, I realize.

Thanks Geno, I waved to him with one finger (an act I'd be repeating many, many, many times). This was at a time when I was first starting to realize that Geno would start the trouble and vanish, leaving you in charge of 'damage control'.

It was at that moment that I understood why my father had placed steel cages at strategic locations around the pasture. And one was close. I dove in with nanoseconds to spare and became one hell of a source of entertainment for both the bull and Geno. I spent the next twenty minutes going between reasoning with the bull that I indeed had done nothing, and inviting Geno to go and have sex with himself. Geno said it looked like fun in the cage. I responded (grunted) that yeah, it was great. Come on down and join me. He didn't. He looked a lot more comfortable up on that roof than I, the human soccer ball, felt.

Later, Geno asked me why I didn't follow him. Superman himself couldn't follow Geno. Why didn't I this or why didn't I that. Why didn't YOU leave the bull alone?

But Geno can't leave the bull alone.
He can't leave anything alone.
And when asked why, he will say, "I didn't get hurt.”

Of course not, you're Geno.


And Geno, if you try to refute any part of this story, I'll call Ed.

----------------------------------------------
BONUS FACTOID

A few years later, Geno came over to my place for a cookout.
As we sat on my porch eating steaks, I asked Geno if he remembered that day and that bull.
"Sure, I remember. I'll never forget that bull. He was huge!” ,he said, "Why do you ask?"
"You wanna get even with him right now,” I asked him.
"Yeah, I do! What do do you have in mind?", he said through his smile.
Pointing at our steaks, I said, "Let's bite him."
"Alright!” Geno yelled, and then, while looking squarely at his steak, he said, "I told you I'd get you Mr. Bull."
Then he looked at me and added, “And I was right. He ain't tough!"

No he wasn't. He was very tender on our plates!

-----------------------------------------------------------

*This Classic Riverbank has been re-edited and was originally published on April 06, 2006

*Coming up on the next Classic Geno;
Take one Geno, one stick of dynamite, and run for your life!

I'm Sorry!

Bobby has found a wonderful new instrument of torture.

The Apology Bot 3000

You pick who it's from, what it's for, and why your sorry. You can send it to any phone and hack the caller ID to make it appear to be coming from any other phone.

Be nice!

This is funny.

Trivia Question

This trivia question comes from Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Question: What was the name of the wooden indian sculture by the doorway of TV`s `Cheers`?

Answer: Tecumseh

The Penis Study

This is from Carrie.

Not me, Carrie!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

Quote Of The Day

"Tell him I have been too f**king busy -or vice versa." -- Dorothy Parker

A Miracle Cure

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to his doctor, nervously twitching his fingers and stuttering, and finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!"announces the proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take a pill, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man the prescription and sends him on his merry way.

Just over a week later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! Those pills are a miracle! They are so wonderful that I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician,"What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

A Riddle

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


What is only 2 1/2 inches long,

And can satisfy a woman

EVERY TIME ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Maintain Your Insanity

From Southern Girl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the opera

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...pass this on to someone to make them smile.

Old Girlfriend

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long."

The Verdict On The Riverbanks

There are now two Tramp's Riverbanks, as we had some problems with the original one.

We needed to decide which one we were going to keep.

Well, the verdict is in. We are keeping both!

The original Riverbank will keep on going as it always has.

And the new one, now called Tramp's Riverbank II, will stay up as well.

But it would be pointless to run two sites that were identical. So the new site will be accepting no advertising and will be uncensored. The original will maintain it's restrictions on profanity, nudity and sexual innuendo.

The new site will be an 'anything goes' type of site. I will stay within the boundaries of decency and good taste, but it will have more of an adult type of presentation. If profanity or nudity add to the humor value of a subject, it'll be there. However, it will be an R rated site, not X rated.

I don't like that and I don't do that!

Monkey See, Monkey Do!

Sweet played me this song.
When it first started, I rolled my eyes.
They rolled! Nothing I could do about it.

Sweet wanted to post it. And I knew I didn't have a chance against her.

But after a minute or two, the song set it's hooks.
It's catchy. It really is. And it's not that bad. Kinda good actually.

So now I agree with her. It's more than postworthy. It's downright decent.
But the 'bananas' comment still scares me.

Mark my words, it'll get stuck in your head.

Sweet told me that it reminds her of 'The Hokey Pokey'.
I mentioned to her that the writer of that song passed away a while back, and it took them three days to bury him.

They put his right foot in, they took his right foot out...

Here is Sweet with the link, the story and the lyrics.

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I got Tramp with this song and I'll get you too!

You can find my new favorite song here.

It's a 'stick in your head' type of tune...

It kinda of reminds me of 'the hokey pokey'...

Sweet
xoxoxoxox

Monkey See, Monkey Do!

Here’s a song that you will either completely love or completely hate!
One thing's for sure, you'll remember the lyrics and the incredibly catchy chorus after one listen.

The style is of the European-style heavy dance/Schlager format that is extremely popular and is making a big comeback. The song is about the frustrations of infidelity in a relationship (Sounds more like revenge to me! - Tramp). Publishing for Germany, Austria and Switzerland has been taken by MVB-MUSIC.
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Monkey See, Monkey Do

Music & Words: Peter Baker

I know we both made some mistakes, that much is true

In every partnership, there's plenty work to do

But work to me ain't monkey business on the side

Could you not think how I would feel that you had lied

There ain’t no point - in picking a fight-

This monkey's gonna do - just what he feels is right…'cos

Monkey see, monkey do Now I'll do the same as you

Monkey see, monkey do Time to mix some jungle brew

Monkey see, monkey do Need a creature more my type

Monkey see, monkey do I'll unzip bananas ripe, oh yeah

Strange how your business meetings carried on so long

I thought you worked so hard, there could be nothing wrong

Primeval urges led you off the road for good

Temptations led you off far further than you should

There ain’t no point - in picking a fight-

This monkey's gonna do - just what he feels is right…'cos

Monkey see, monkey do Now I'll do the same as you

Monkey see, monkey do Time to mix some jungle brew

Monkey see, monkey do Need a creature more my type

Monkey see, monkey do I'll unzip bananas ripe, oh yeah

In the still of the night

There’s a sound that not quite right

That’s not rustling in the trees

Hundreds of monkeys acting like me!

Monkey see, monkey do Now I'll do the same as you

Monkey see, monkey do Time to mix some jungle brew

Monkey see, monkey do Need a creature more my type

Monkey see, monkey do I'll unzip bananas ripe, oh yeah

© 2005 Peter Baker

Published by MVB Music, Germany

A Great Quote From A Great Guy

Heaven is now a funnier place.

"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'" -- Rodney Dangerfield

This Is Why Men Don't Ask For Directions

I'm not gonna do that again.
I didn't even get out of the bay!
Stupid directions.

From Carrie.

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Take 60 seconds to do this.
I guarantee you will pass this on to someone else.
It's too funny not to.

1. Go to http://www.google.com/
2. Click on "maps"
3. Click on "get directions"
4. Type New York in the first box (the "from" box)
5. Type London in the second box (the "to" box) & hit "get directions" on the same line
6. Scroll down to step #24

Freebies

Revvida

Smoothie King

Bald Guyz

Tylenol Extra Strength Rapid Release Gels

Harmony Sweets

SUN CRYSTALS™ Natural Sweetener

Dove® Energy Glow™

Geno's Favorite Summer Treat

From Sweet.

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I found a great new Ice Cream...

it's Geno's favorite brand...

Sweet
xoxoxoxo
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Quick! Hide The Plane

"Where?"

"Put it in the shredder!"
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Sign Of The Times

From Corrine.

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They’re now saying that the Miss Black America Contest may have only 49 contestants................

They are having trouble finding someone to enter wearing the banner that says I D A H O.

Fancy Name For A Hot Dog Shop

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Boat Docking 101

Have you ever been in this situation?

You have a need to leave your boat for a while, but you want it to be there when you return. How do you insure that this will happen? There is no parking brake. Trust me, I've looked. And anchors and dock lines are a pain in the butt.

So what can you do?

Here is one idea. Just look for a suitable piling, approach it at the proper speed and viola!. You boat ain't going nowhere!
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Isn't That A Phrase For Stupid?

"He's digging with the wrong end of the backhoe."
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Fact Check

I've been called out on the 'Little Rascals' post.

I checked with Snopes on this story, and Snopes said this is false.

So I did my own research and I discovered that Snopes is wrong on this one, mostly.

Everything Corrine said is in fact true, except the last one.

The Spanky claim missed the mark.

However, Snopes and Wikipedia both state that this is a common error.
For some reason, many people think that Robert Blake was Spanky.

Here are the results of my research concerning which of these claims are true and which ones are not. My source for fact checking was Wikipedia.


Carl Dean "Alfalfa" Switzer (August 7, 1927 – January 21, 1959):True
Norman Myers “Chubby” Chaney (January 18, 1918 - May 29, 1936): True
Billie “Buckwheat” Thomas (originally William Thomas, Jr.) (March 12, 1931–October 10, 1980): True
Darla Jean Hood (November 8, 1931 – June 13, 1979): True
Kendall “Breezy Brisbane” McComas (October 29, 1916 - October 15, 1981): True
Billy “Froggy” Laughlin (William Robert Laughlin) (July 5, 1932 - August 31, 1948): True
Richard "Mickey" Daniels, Jr. (October 11, 1914 - August 20, 1970): True
Matthew “Stymie” Beard, Jr. (January 1, 1925 – January 8, 1981): True
Scotty Beckett (Scott Hastings Beckett) (October 4, 1929 – May 10, 1968): True, possibly a suicide
Bobby Hutchins (Robert E. Hutchins) (March 29, 1925 - March 17, 1945): True
Pete the Pup (d. 1946): Unproven, and the conventional thinking is false
Thomas Ross “Butch” Bond (September 16, 1926 – September 24, 2005): True until recently

And finally;

George Robert Phillips “Spanky” McFarland (October 2, 1928 – June 30, 1993)
Michael James Vincenzo Gubitosi, who changed his name to Robert Blake (born September 18, 1933)

Blake was never cast as Spanky, instead playing a part under his real name. And while Blake was accused of murder, Spanky (George McFarland) was not. The real Spanky died of a heart attack on June 30, 1993, at age 64.

So I’m going to call this one: FALSE

So there you have it. All of these claims, with the exception of who Spanky was, are true.

And the one that was wrong, was right about Blake.