F**king Prozac

I have always believed that the drug Prozac was a harmful substance. It never concerned me too much because I've never had a need for it and I don't believe I ever will.

I have also always believed that it makes people unstable, among other nasty side effects.

But now someone close to me has been affected by this terrible shit.
And it is making my life a living hell (That is understating the case in a similar way as if someone were to say, "That's a pretty good swim across that Pacific Ocean!").

So I decided to research this shit and discover the truth about what it does to people.
I wondered if I had the real facts about those nasty side effects I've always thought it resulted in.

I came to see that I was wrong about it.

It is, in fact, worse than I thought.

Much worse.

My research turned up word like;
psychosis,
irritability,
Manic Depression,
psychotic episodes,
delirium,
self-mutilation,
bizarre and frightening characteristics,
hallucinations,
aggression,
self-destructive outbursts,
terror,
anger,
violent hostility,
hatred,
rage,
suicide and homicide.

I think we can all agree on this.

These are not words you want to be using
when you are talking about how your day went.

As to how I describe my days lately, I use almost all of them.

Please, please avoid this f**king shit.

Here is what my research uncovered.

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Over the years, the drug (Prozac) has been blamed for sparking murderous and psychotic behavior. - New York Post

PROZAC Symptoms; unusual changes in behavior and thoughts of suicide, as well as anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, difficulty sleeping, irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, impulsivity, restlessness, or extreme hyperactivity, thoughts of suicide taking, Bipolar Disorder ("Manic Depression"), "manic" or "psychotic" episodes. - Prozac.com

Based on documents recently obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, as of September 16, 1993, 28,623 reports of adverse reactions to Prozac had been received by the FDA. These included such effects as delirium, hallucinations, convulsions, violent hostility, aggression, psychosis, 1,885 suicide attempts, 1,734 deaths - 1,089 by suicide and 27 deaths during clinical trials.
Additional documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that both Eli Lilly and Co., manufacturer of Prozac, and officials of the FDA were aware that at least 27 deaths had been linked to Prozac's use before the drug was released.
One of the documents shows that as of October 15, 1987, two months before Prozac was allowed on the market, there had already been 15 suicides linked to it - six by overdose, four by gunshot, three by hanging and two by drowning.
A total of 12 other deaths are also described in the document, provided by Lilly to the FDA.
Despite the startling information about these 27 fatalities - a substance has been recalled from the market (1) with as few as two deaths - FDA officials failed to prevent Prozac from being released. Instead, it was given final FDA approval on December 29, 1987.
The 1986 FDA safety review also discovered that Lilly had failed to report information about the onset of psychotic episodes in people during Prozac's testing. No action was taken against the drug maker, however.
As early as 1986, long before Prozac was approved for public consumption, evidence existed which linked Prozac to the onset of psychotic episodes - a fact underscored by the 1,089 suicides as of September 16, 1993, along with many episodes of senseless violence, homicide and even multiple murder.
The FDA had another opportunity to act in the public interest in September 1991, when its Psychopharmacologic Drugs Advisory Committee held a hearing to review evidence showing links between Prozac and similar psychiatric drugs and psychotic, violent acts.
For over three hours, more than two dozen Prozac victims or their surviving family members recounted horror stories linking the drug to multiple murders, suicide, attempted suicide, self-mutilation, psychosis and other nightmarish effects.
The committee, however, ignored this information and voted against this information and voted against relabeling Prozac to carry a proper warning of its dangers.
A lengthy investigation by FREEDOM and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights has linked the FDA committee's failure to protect the public from the dangers of Prozac to improper relationships between its members and the drug companies which they are mandated to oversee.
At least five out of 10 of the members on the FDA's Psychopharmacologic Drugs Advisory Committee had conflicts of interest based on business dealings with manufacturers of antidepressant drugs - including Lilly - totaling a minimum of $1,108,587. - FREEDOM and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights

“I'm worried because the number of people taking it has risen tenfold since 1990 and more and more side-effects, including sexual dysfunction, hallucination and psychosis, are beginning to emerge." - Dr. Robert Bourgignon

In fact, the FDA appears to have looked the other way in regard to several problems before Prozac's release. The FDA discovered in 1986 that Eli Lilly had withheld information about the onset of psychotic episodes on at least 52 patients during the drug's clinical trials. Yet no actions were taken against the manufacturer or Prozac. Documents also show that Eli Lilly and the FDA knew of 15 suicides that occurred during the drug's clinical trials, even though the Prozac label said that three people died during the trials. - Gary Null

(CNN) -- An internal document purportedly from Eli Lilly and Co. made public Monday appears to show that the drug maker had data more than 15 years ago showing that patients on its antidepressant Prozac were far more likely to attempt suicide and show hostility than were patients on other antidepressants and that the company attempted to minimize public awareness of the side effects.
The document was provided to CNN by the office of Rep. Maurice Hinchey, D-New York, who has called for tightening FDA regulations on drug safety.
"The case demonstrates the need for Congress to mandate the complete disclosure of all clinical studies for FDA-approved drugs so that patients and their doctors, not the drug companies, decide whether the benefits of taking a certain medicine outweigh the risks," he said.
The 1988 document indicated that patients attempted suicide while on the blockbuster drug, a rate more than 12 times that cited for any of four other commonly used antidepressants.
The document, which cited clinical trials of 14,198 patients on fluoxetine -- the generic name for Prozac -- also stated that users suffered psychotic depression while on the drug, more than double the next-highest rate of patients using another antidepressant.
In addition, the paper said that patients reported incidents of hostility -- more than double the rate reported by patients on any of four other commonly used antidepressants.
The trials reviewed in the document said that users of Prozac reported causing an intentional injury -- eight times the rate associated with any of the other antidepressants.
In the paper, titled "Activation and sedation in fluoxetine clinical trials," the authors said that the drug may produce nervousness, anxiety, agitation or insomnia. - CNN

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FOOTNOTE: I apologize for the lack of censoring that originally appeared in this story. It has been fixed.

Excruciatingly?

To be read in a stuffy British accent.

It is entirely optional to add the word 'splendidly' at random appropriate and inappropriate intervals, as you see fit.

==============================

"There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food and affection.

It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.

As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.

When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.

Under no circumstances can the food be omitted."

-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

Polite Is Good

An elderly couple appeared in divorce court. The wife had filed for divorce citing the fact that her husband hadn’t spoken a word to her in over thirty years. She explained this to the judge in great detail and at length, leaving no small fact out.

The judge asked the man if this was true.
“Yes sir, that’s correct”, he replied.
“Can you explain to me why that is?” queried the judge.
“ Well sir, that would be because I was raised to be polite and mannerly”, offered the man.
“How so?”, wondered the judge?
The man explained, “I didn’t want to appear rude by interrupting her.”

Hey Kenny

THIS WAS IN THE COMMENTS MADE BY ME,
BUT I THINK IT LOOKS BETTER UP HERE.
THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE I RATE THIS HIGH.
KENNY HIT IT ON DAY ONE - Tramp


Kenny is a great guy.
He has been Geno’s rock and worry stone at the same time, standing with and by Geno throughout the latest shitstorm.

For that alone, I love him.

Course I loved the guy even before that shit hit.
He is a brother in the truest sense of the word.
He has proven his kewlness time and again.

Well, except for that one time he shot me. That was rude! A little bit.

Okay, it was on a Playstation. But still…

And if you ever need proof that that joke is just a story, take a look at his woman.
She is what we call, “Finer than frog hair with extra fine icing”

I didn’t think we’d ever find a man worthy of her.
Then along came Kenny!

Bro, you’re the best!
And sorry about the joke.

Maybe.

Kenny, I got a beer with your name on it to even it. But you gotta come get it.
You know where I'm at, door's always open, beer's always cold, you're always welcome.
But you knew that.
And bring your lady. I owe her a Leary disk.

I didn't forget Sis!

People Need To Be Told This?

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The Price Is Right

Yet still I'm gonna pass on this deal.
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Traffic Sucks

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Geno

Short title.

Nuff said!

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One evening after a few drinks at the local pub, Geno and Kenny were discussing female orgasms.

Geno said, "Did you know there are four types of female orgasms?"

Kenny replied, "Oh, really? And you know them? What are they?"

"There's the POSITIVE one, the NEGATIVE one, the RELIGIOUS one and the FAKE one.
The positive one goes 'Ooh yes! Ooh yes!'
The negative one goes 'Ooh no! Oh no!'
The religious one goes 'Oh my God! oh my God!
And the fake one goes 'OH KENNY! OH KENNY!"

Some Quotes About...

You'll quickly pick up what they are about.

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"To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." -- Don Schrader

"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?" -- Rita Rudner

"Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions." -- Aldous Huxley, Eyeless in Gaza, 1936

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct." -- W. Somerset Maugham, The Bread-Winner

"Nature abhors a virgin - a frozen asset." -- Clare Booth Luce

"I know nothing about sex, because I was always married." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Dinosaurs Favorites

Dinosaurs facinate everyone. There were some big ones. And there were many different types of dinosaurs.

Everyone seems to have a favorite. I know I have mine. This always struck me as odd. Each of us has a favorite critter from a species that died out sixty five million years before man even appeared on this big old dirtball. It's amazing that we know as much as we do about them.

What fascinates me even more is trying to envision this planet with no people on it. Wouldn't that be odd. No human beings at all.

But getting back to favorites. There were many variations of these creatures.

Allosaurus Stegosaurus Tyrannosaurus Triceratops Gargoyleosaurus Velociraptor

The list is quite long.

But my favorite, hands down, has always been this fella.
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That Clears It Up. I Think.

From Corrine.

Not to be taken liberally.

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Just as a point of clarification...

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans are. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be repeated immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to tick them off.

Freebies, Special Food Edition

True Lemon, True Lime and True Orange

Sweet Nut Creations Bar

Chocolate Flavored Post Shredded Wheat

Ball® Simple Creations® Mild Fiesta Salsa Mix Code: t0h01

Splendid Delites

Senseo® Barista Blends™ Caramel Macchiato Flavor Packet

Glucerna Shakes Code: COOKING2

Story Pending, Awaiting Approval

Sweet has a great story in the making.


We are, however, awaiting approval before we publish it.


Our policy here at the Riverbank has always been one where no stories or photos will be published without the subject's approval.

We are here to have fun, not embarrass, offend or anger anyone.



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Meanwhile, here is a photo of little Geno as a tot.
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Murphy Was A Genius

From Irene.

For the record, I disagree with 22, 60 and mostly 62.

I do, however, agree with 69.

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"Murphy's Laws On Sex"

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.


"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -- George Burns


13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.


"It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover." -- Marge Piercy


26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

29. Love is a hole in the heart.

30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

32. Do it only with the best.

33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

38. Thou shalt not commit adultery.... .unless in the mood.


"Sudden acquaintance brings repentance." -- Thomas Fuller


39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man never forgets the women he couldn't.

43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

45. Never say no.

46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.


50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

"Sex got me into trouble from the age of fifteen: I am hoping that by the time I am seventy I will straighten it out." -- Harold Robbins

51. Love comes in spurts.

52. Love is what comes out the end of a man's penis.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Smile, it's the second best thing that you can do with your lips.

57. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

58. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

59. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

60. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

61. "This won't hurt, I promise."

62. A woman is a life support system for a pussy.

"Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man." -- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

HOW LONG DO WE HAVE?

Carrie has a very interesting dissertation concerning the fate of our country.

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This is the most interesting thing I've read in a long time. The sad thing about it is that you can see it coming.

I have always heard about this democracy countdown. It is interesting to see it in print.

May God help us, not that we deserve it.

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How Long Do We Have?
About the time our original thirteen states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh , had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years earlier:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government."

"A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury."

"From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates whopromise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which isalways followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years."

"During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:
1. from bondage to spiritual faith;
2. from spiritual faith to great courage;
3. from courage to liberty;4. from liberty to abundance;
5. from abundance to complacency;
6. from complacency to apathy;
7. from apathy to dependence;
8. from dependence back into bondage"

Professor Joseph Olson of Hemline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:
Number of States won by:
Gore: 19
Bush: 29
Square miles of land won by:
Gore: 580,000
Bush: 2,427,000
Population of counties won by:
Gore: 127 million
Bush: 143 million
Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by:
Gore: 13.2
Bush: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory mostly encompassed those citizens living ingovernment-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler 's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase. If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegal's and they vote, then we can say good-bye to the USA as we know it in fewer than five years. Pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

Thanks for reading.

We Should Know This

From Corrine.

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Meaning of Flag Draped Coffin


All Americans should be given this lesson. Those who think that America is an arrogant nation should really reconsider that thought. Our founding fathers used God’s word and teachings to establish our Great Nation and I think it is high time Americans are re-educated about this Nation's history. Pass it along and be proud of the country we live in and even more proud of those who serve to protect our "GOD GIVEN" rights and freedoms.

I hope you take the time to read this... To understand what the flag draped coffin really means... Here is how to understand the flag that lay upon it and is surrendered to so many widows and widowers.

Do you know that at military funerals, the 21-gun salute stands for the sum of the numbers in the year 1776?

Have you ever noticed the honor guard pays meticulous attention to correctly folding the United States of America Flag 13 times? You probably thought it was to symbolize the original 13 colonies, but we learn something new every day!

The first fold of the flag is a symbol of life.

The second fold is a symbol of the belief in eternal life.

The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing the ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of the country to attain peace throughout the world.

The fourth fold represents the weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance

The fifth fold is a tribute to the country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our Country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong."

The sixth fold is for where people's hearts lie. It is with their heart that they pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.

The seventh fold is a tribute to its Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that they protect their country and their flag against all her enemies, whether they are found within or without the boundaries of their republic.

The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day.

The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood, and Mothers. For it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.

The tenth fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of their country since they were first born.

The eleventh fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies in the Hebrews eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

The twelfth fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in the Christians eyes, God the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit (Amen - Tramp).

The thirteenth fold, or when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding them of their nation’s motto, "In God We Trust."

After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the Sailors and Marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for them the rights, privileges and freedoms they enjoy today.

There are some traditions and ways of doing things that have deep meaning.
In the future, you will see flags folded and now you will know why.

Share this with the children you love and all others who love what is referred to, the symbol of "Liberty and Freedom."


MAYBE THE SUPREME COURT SHOULD READ THIS EXPLANATION BEFORE THEY RENDER THEIR DECISION ON THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE.

IN THE MEANTIME, MAY GOD PROTECT US ALWAYS.

ONE NATION, UNDER GOD,
WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

RECIPE: WATERBERRY SLUSHIES

Hot enough for ya?

You can't find anything colder to drink than these.

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INGREDIENTS:

1 cup cubed seeded watermelon

1 cup ginger ale or lemon-lime carbonated beverage

2 Tbsp frozen (thawed) limeade concentrate

1 cup frozen unsweetened strawberries

DIRECTIONS:

In blender or food processor, process watermelon, carbonated beverage and limeade concentrate until liquefied. Gradually add frozen strawberries blending just until slushy. Serve immediately.

About Those Dogs

From Corrine.

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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of thesituation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN,
THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS,
CATS HAVE STAFF!


WHY GOD MADE PETS

They help out around the house...

They protect our children...

They look out for the smaller ones...

They show us how to relax...

They "converse" with each other.

They help you when you're down...

They are great at decorating for the Holidays.

They have "great" expectations.

They are Patriotic.

They are happy to "test" the water.

They love their "teddies"

They know who's "BOSS.

AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH!

HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY?????

It is done by moving the corners of the mouth upward.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW..............

Boudreaux

From Corrine.

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In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" the lawyer asked.

Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road. . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was hurtin, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape jus by her groans."

"Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?!"

Recognize These?

From Corrine.

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*There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections; all government business will be conducted in our Language.

*Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.

*Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.

*Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs.

*Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.

*If foreigners do come and want to buy land, that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.

*Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies, if you do, you will be sent home.

*If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.

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Harsh, you say?

The above statements are the immigration laws of MEXICO.

It Just Goes To Show...

From Corrine.

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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don 't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

Geno And Sweet

Geno always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to Sweet, "Notice anything different about me?"

Sweet looks him over: "Nope."

Frustrated, Geno storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Sweet looks up and says: "Geno, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Geno yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, SWEET? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Sweet replies: "Shoulda bought a hat, Geno. Shoulda bought a hat."

Two Old Irish Friends

Kenny and Geno were getting well on in years, and Kenny was in the hospital in his last days.

Kenny reached out his hand to his friend and said, "Me friend, we've been pals since we were wee lads, and I haven't got much more time left of this earth. When I'm gone, would you do me the biggest of favors?"

To which Geno replied, "Why of course me good friend ... anything you'd ask of me."

Kenny asked, "When I'm well planted, please pour a bottle of the very best Irish whiskey on me grave."

Geno's response ... "Of course me good friend but ... would you be offended if I was to strain it through me kidneys first?"

Breaking News

Energizer Bunny Found Dead
The world was stunned by the news today of the death of the ENERGIZER BUNNY. He was six years old.
Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 PM last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and relatives was alone at the time of death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual overstimulation.
Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

What I Learned On The Trip

Source unknown. You'll see why.

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My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale after another class returned from a trip to a working farm.
My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.
"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fu*kers."
Wife: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fu*ker?"
David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk."
Wife: "But who said they were called, er, fu*kers?"
David: "That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

Don't Bet On It

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I'll bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "How much are you willing to bet?"
"One hundred dollars!" said the boisterous husband.
"That's all?" inquired the wife.
"OK, two hundred."
"Not too sure of yourself, are you?" teased the wife.
Feeling pretty good, the hubby announced,"Five hundred!"
The wife twinkled her nose and calmly said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."

Q & A

From my personal collection.

Sorry!

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Q. If your donkey bit the legs off my rooster, what would we have?
A. Two feet of my cock in your ass!

Twinkie

From Irene.

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm getting boobs, too!"

Quote For The Day

"Sex is evil.
Evil is sin.
Sin is forgiven.
So, sex is in."
-- Anonymous

Gone In Sixty Seconds

From Sweet.

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I found this interesting new product…however, I have a few issues….and so did a few other women….it’s a fun read……

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Shave Your Vagina in Sixty Seconds

The "Bikini Line Genie" is billed as a protective shield that lets women shave their vaginas without fear of hurting the most sensitive areas, and prevents loose stubble from entering.It works by tucking in between the labia majora to cover the more sensitive labia minora and clitoris, while blocking off the vaginal opening so no foreign material may enter.It comes with illustrated instructions, may be used sitting or standing.I suppose in these days when bald beavers have become a necessity, being shorn in sixty seconds demands a product like this.
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Comment 1
I am SO thrilled at the post above. I SO agree with you. What I don't understand is why a man doesn't realize how he shows his ignorance by doing a "cute review". In addition, the others with their snide comments look just as stupid. A penis doesn't have hair right. Same concept as a VAGINA. The only way a person has seen a vagina would be if they are a gynecologist, and if there is hair up there, it is either an ingested twin or a serious problem. I am neither a Bitch, a pedant, or a sex starved prude. I am merely a person that appreciates correct terminology.

Comment 2
I was offended by this review. You should research the proper words to use before thinking you are funny or clever. The "vagina" is internal, and does not grow hair. The external, hairy part is known as the "hoo-ha", "pink taco", or "bearded clam".I expect you to use correct terminology in all subsequent posts.

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I am still laughing at this crap……

Sweet
xoxoxoxo

Friendship

From Corrine.

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Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you every chance i get about it.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.....
I pledge it to the end.
"Why?" you may ask?,
"Because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants:
everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!)

And remember....
when life hands you lemons,
get some tequila and salt and call me!

The Last Photo

This comes from Bobby, who told me he received it from Albert.

They call it;

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The Last Picture I Ever Took Series
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SHARK ATTACK AT SPRING BREAK

From Corrine.

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A Spring Break Shark Attack in Florida has left a man with a severed limb.

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WARNING: Graphic photo below SHOWS INJURY.

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Murphy Was An Optomist

From Carrie.

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Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. Einstein

From Irene

Not me, Irene!

That's Irene who came up with this.

Not me.

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Rejection Letter

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY INC.
6969 SLIPPERY ROOT DRIVE
DROPTROUSER, NC 22269

Dear Mr. Jones;

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image of our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not consideredromantic.

We did admire your efforts to firm up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings to your wife and/or girlfriend and our deepest sympathy.

YOURS VERY TRULY,
Burly Dick: President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY INC.

P. S. Remember our slogans:
- cover your stump before you hump
- don't be silly, protect your Willie
- never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
- before you attack her, wrap your wacker
- if you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.