Making Music

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you musically inclined?
Can you read sheet music?
Would you please tell me what song this is .....

**********
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The Last 'Twas

THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS

by Arnold Krueger

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'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the area

Not a creature was stirring, not even the terrier.

The toys were all scattered in great disarray

Right where the kids left them, never put things away.

To I in my P.J.'s and my wife in her gown

The bed felt so good as we both settled down.

.

Then down in the playroom there arose such a din

That I sprang from my bed, and on the chair cracked my shin.

My wife followed me out and we ran down the stair

And into the playroom. What a sight we saw there!

The toy soldiers had gone crazy and started a war.

They had even dug foxholes into the floor.

.

I dodged a stray missile and then, won't you know,

The remote-controlled tank ran right over my toe!

I let out a yell and jumped straight in the air

While my poor frightened wife hid behind the big chair.

A model B-52 bomber circled the room

Its jet engines screaming of impending doom.

.

It unleased its deadly cargo upon the fierce battle

And the explosion that followed....Why it made the neighborhood rattle!

I had to do something and I had to do it fast.

If there were another air strike our house wouldn't last.

The place was a mess! All strewn with rubble.

Who would have imagined that toys could cause so much trouble.

.

Then I spied the kids' Christmas list and saw what did this trick

They hadn't sent it to Santa! No! They addressed it to Old Nick

Alas and alack! This wasn't my day.

On top of all else, now I've the devil to pay.

But what could I do! I was gripped by this terror!

Then down near the bottom I saw the spelling error.

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It was a long shot, but it was my only hope.

If this didn't work I'd look like a dope.

I jumped on the Air Dyne and peddled a good pace

And gradually everything returned to its place.

I breathed a sigh of relief and said, Thanks, to the tyke

Who had mistakenly written, Bring Dad an exorcize bike.

So Well Done...

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't know who wrote this, but it's very well done... and wearily, so true... read to the last line...

**********

President Bush did make a bad mistake in the war on terrorism.
But, the mistake was not his decision to go to war in Iraq.
Bush's mistake came in his belief that this country is the same one his father fought for in WWII.
It is not.
Back then, they had just come out of a vicious depression. The country was steeled by the hardship of that depression, but they still believed fervently in this country. They knew that the people had elected their leaders, so it was the people's duty to back those leaders.
Therefore, when the war broke out the people came together, rallied behind, and stuck with their leaders, whether they had voted for them or not or whether the war was going badly or not.
And, war was just as distasteful and the anguish just as great then as it is today. Often there were more casualties in one day in WWII than we have had in the entire Iraq war. But that did not matter. The people stuck with the President because it was their patriotic duty. Americans put aside their differences in WWII and worked together to win that war.
Everyone from every strata of society, from young to old pitched in.
Small children pulled little wagons around to gather scrap metal for the war effort. Grade school students saved their pennies to buy stamps for war bonds to help the effort.
Men who were too old or medically 4F lied about their age or condition trying their best to join the military. Women doubled their work to keep things going at home. Harsh rationing of everything from gasoline to soap, to butter was imposed, yet there was very little complaining.
You never heard prominent people on the radio belittling the President.
Interestingly enough in those days, there were no fat cat actors and entertainers who ran off to visit and fawn over dictators of hostile countries and complain to them about our President. Instead, they made upbeat films and entertained our troops to help the troops' morale. And a bunch even enlisted.
And imagine this: Teachers in schools actually started the day off with a Pledge of Allegiance, and with prayers for our country and our troops!
Back then, no newspaper would have dared point out certain weak spots in our cities where bombs could be set off to cause the maximum damage. No newspaper would have dared complain about what we were doing to catch spies.
A newspaper would have been laughed out of existence if it had complained that German or Japanese soldiers were being "tortured" by being forced to wear women's underwear, or subjected to interrogation by a woman, or being scared by a dog or did not have air conditioning.
There were a lot of things different back then. We were not subjected to a constant bombardment of pornography, perversion and promiscuity in movies or on radio. We did not have legions of crackheads, dope pushers and armed gangs roaming our streets.
No, President Bush did not make a mistake in his handling of terrorism.
He made the mistake of believing that we still had the courage and fortitude of our fathers. He believed that this was still the country that our fathers fought so dearly to preserve.
It is not the same country. It is now a cross between Sodom and Gomorra and the Land of Oz. We did unite for a short while after 911, but our attitude changed when we found out that defending our country would require some sacrifices.
We are in great danger. The terrorists are fanatic Muslims. They believe that it is okay, even their duty, to kill anyone who will not convert to Islam. It has been estimated that about one third or over three hundred million Muslims are sympathetic to the terrorists cause... Hitler and Tojo combined did not have nearly that many potential recruits.
So... we either win it - or lose it - and, you ain't gonna like losing.
America is not at war.
The military is at war.
America is at the mall.

NORAD

NORAD is tracking Santa again this year.

Watch his progress here.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

There is no joke here this time.

It really is the night before Christmas.

And all of us here at the Riverbank want to

wish everyone out there a very

Merry Christmas.

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A Message From The Pup

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He Looks Familiar

Merry Christmas to everyone!

From Geno.

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This Guy Was Loved By Everyone

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob Hope...

God love him......
For those of you too young to remember Bob, ask your Grandparents!!!
And thanks for the memories...
.

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WHAT A WONDERFUL REMEMBRANCE.
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:

* * * Bob Hope * * *
May 29,1903 -July 27, 2003

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ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill.'

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ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

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ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

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ON TURNING 100

'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

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ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them.'

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ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.''

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ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

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ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

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ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham.''

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ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have the

strength of character to fight it.'

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ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed.

When it got cold, mother threw on another brother'

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ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

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ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't

for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

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ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions.

I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

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God BLESS AMERICA
.
Give me a sense of humor Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folks.

Christmas Groaners

Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint "Nickel"-less!

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A "Holly" Davidson!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!

Quote

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." ---Alice Roosevelt Longworth

A Holiday Shopping Guide

There is nothing better than advice from an expert.

I couldn't find an expert, so I settled for Dave Barry.

**********


-- Gifts for Children --

This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

-- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

The Reality

12 Days of Christmas Correspondence

December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
***
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
***
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
***
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
***
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
***
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
***
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
***
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
***
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
***
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas

How to Tell if You're a Grinch

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)
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Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

If Men Designed Christmas Wrapping Paper

From Corrine.

Now isn't this giftwrap festive?

True dat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Twas The Bikers Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad,
There was nada happenin', now thats pretty bad.
The woodstove was hung up in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.

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With our stomachs packed with tacos and beer,
My girl and I crashed on the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket.

.
I saw a large bro' on a '56 Pan
Wearin' black leathers, a cap, and boots (cool biker, man).
He hauled up the bars on that bikeful of sacks,
And that Pan hit the roof like it was running on tracks.

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I couldn't help gawking, the old guy had class.
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my ass.
Down through the stovepipe he fell with a crash,
And out of the stove he came dragging his stash.

.
With a smile and some glee he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her fanny and shook my right hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.

.
From up on the roof came a great deal of thunder,
As that massive V-twin ripped the silence asunder.
With beard in the wind, he roared off in the night,
Shouting, "Have a cool Yule, and to all a good ride!"

A Red Neck Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

.

That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11

Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5, 4, and 3.

The twins were both girls so they let them be.

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They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns, they grabbed them all.

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Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!

The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."

Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,

So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.

The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"

Bubba just stared he could not say a word.

This was just like all of the stories he'd heard.

.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'

But the boys didn't know, they was about to start shootin'!

They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake

That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"

That's Santy Claus and he's brought us some toys.

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The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,

And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!

Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

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"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!

Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"

The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,

And they trampled poor Pete, who was only a pup.

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Santy opened his bag, and threw out some toys.

Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.

Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.

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He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.

The trailer started to wobble, Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer got into the air,

the trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.

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He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.

Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys,

"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.

That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."

.
But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.

They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,

But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!

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Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.

And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!

A Mom's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the abode

Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,

While visions of Nintendo and Barbie, flipped through their heads.

.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,

With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.

So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,

Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

.

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,

She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.

He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.

"Oh great!!" muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

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"Ho-Ho-Ho!!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake.

Your gift was especially difficult to make."

"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."

"Exactly!!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

.

"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?

Run along, Santa. I've no time for chit-chat."

It was the mother's twin.

Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

.

"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.

You'll relax, take it easy, watch the Young and the Restless."

"Fantastic!!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!

I'll shop. I'll read. I'll sleep a whole night through!"

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From the room above, the youngest began to fret.

"Mommy?!? I'm scared, and I'm wet."

The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."

"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."

.

The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,

As she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.

"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."

The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."

.

The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal.

That's my child's love that she's trying to steal."

Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,

Only one loving mother is needed here."

.

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.

"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.

I sometimes forget it won't be very long,

When they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

.

The clock on the mantle began to chime.

Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."

With the clone by his side, Santa said, "Good night.

Merry Christmas, Mom. You'll be alright."

New Chemical Element

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.

Governmentium (Gv ) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause an action that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium...an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

GRANDPA'S ON THE PORCH AGAIN

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Pain In The...

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye"

Christmas at Rock-Away Rest

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker in hope

that Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

.

Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived

Our social security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,

Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.

Cajun Night Before Christmas

From who? Why, Southern Girl of course!


~~~~~~~~

Twas the night before Christmas
An’ all t’ru de house
Dey don’t a t’ing pass
Not even a mouse
De chirren been nezzle
Good snug on de flo’
An’ Mamm pass de pepper
T’ru de crack on de do’.
.

Den Mama in de fireplace
Done roas’ up de ham
Stir up de gumbo
An’ make bake de yam.
Den out on de by-you
Dey got such a clatter
Make soun’ link old Boudreau
Done fall off his ladder.
.

I run like a rabbit
To got to de do’
Trip over the dorg
An’ fall on de flo’.
As I look out de do’
In de light o’ de moon
I t’ink “Manh, you crazy
Or got ol’ too soon.”

.
Cuz dere on de by-you
W’en I stretch ma’ neck stiff
Dere’s eight alligator
A pullin’ de skiff.
An’ a little fat drover
Wit’ a long pole-ing stick
I know r’at away
Got to be ole St. Nick.
.

Mo’ fas’er and fas’er
De ‘gator dey came
He whistle an’ holler
An’ call dem by name:
“Ha Gaston!Ha, Tiboy!
Ha, Pierre an’ Alcee’Gee,
Ninette!Gee Suzette!
Celeste and Renee!”
.

“To de top o’ de porch
To de top o’ de wall
Make crawl, alligator
An’ be sho’ you don’ fall.”

Like Tante Flo’s cat
T’ru de treetop he fly
W’en de big ol’ houn’ dorg
Come a run hisse’f by

.
Like dat up de porch
Dem ole ‘gator clim!
Wit’ de skiff full o’ toy
An’ St. Nicklus behin’.
Den on top de porch roof
It soun’ like de hail
W’en all dem big ‘gator
Done sot down dey tail.
.

Den down de chimney
I yell with a bam
An’ St. Nicklus fall
An’ sit on de yam.
“Sacre!” he axclaim
“Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma’se’f
On dem red hot coal.”
.

He got on his foots
An’ jump like a card
Out to de flo’
Where he lan’ wit’ a SPLAT!

He was dress in musk-rat
From his head to his foot
An’ his clothes is all dirty
Wit’ ashes an’ soot.
.
A sack full o’ playt’ing
He t’row on his back
He look like a burglar
An’ dass fo’ a fack.

His eyes how dey shine
His dimple how merry!
Maybe he been drink
De wine from blackberry.
.
His cheek was like a rose
His nose like a cherry
On secon’ t’ought maybe
He lap up de sherry.

Wit’ snow-white chin whisker
An’ quiverin’ belly
He shook w’en he laugh
Like de stomberry jelly!
.
But a wink in his eye
An’ a shook o’ his head
Make my confi-dence dat
I don’ got to be scared.

He don’ do no talkin’
Gone straight to his work
Put playt’ing in sock
An’ den turn wit’ a jerk
.

He put bot’ his han’
Dere on top o’ his head
Cas’ an eye on de chimney
An’ den he done said:
“Wit’ all o’ dat fire
An’ dem burnin’ hot flame
Me I ain’ goin’ back
By de way dat I came.”
.

So he run out de do’
An’ he clim’ to de roof
He ain’ no fool, him
For to make one more goof.
He jump in his skiff
An’ crack his big whip.
De ‘gator move down
An’ don’ make one slip.
.

An’ I hear him shout loud
As a splashin’ he go“
Merry Christmas to all
‘Til I saw you some mo’!”

Quote

"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen.

Women reach theirs at thirty-five.

Do you get the feeling that

God is playing a practical joke?"

-- Rita Rudner

New Profession

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During a moment of brilliance, a man buys several sheep in hopes of breeding them for wool. He figured it'd be an excellent way to make some extra money.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him he should try artificial insemination.

Now the guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he'd know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they'll stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"Nope," she says, "they're all in the truck and...

one of them is honking the horn!"

When Sweet Was A Child...

From Sweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.

.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when little Sweet on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," little Sweet said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed little Sweet a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
Young Sweet looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
Little Sweet looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Marriage In The News

Bride to Tie Knot in Toilet Paper Dress
NEW YORK (AP) - Here comes the bride, all dressed in white ... two-ply, extra soft toilet paper. Lovebirds Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols of Lexington, Ky., plan to get hitched Wednesday in a public restroom. She'll be wearing a gown fashioned from glue, tape and Charmin Ultra Soft and Ultra Strong toilet tissue.
The intricately detailed dress was designed by Hanah Kim, winner of the 2007 Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest, sponsored by Cheap Chic Weddings.
The wedding ceremony, to be attended by family and friends, will take place in Times Square at the Charmin Restrooms - temporary, free public restrooms, a company spokeswoman said Tuesday.

*****

Fla. Woman Has 10 Husbands, Charges Say
MIAMI (AP) - The honeymoons are over for a 26-year-old woman who authorities say was married at least 10 times.
Eunice Lopez has been charged with bigamy, accused of marrying 10 men between 2002 and 2006 without divorcing any of them, federal immigration authorities say. The Miami Herald reported Saturday that a records search by the newspaper found seven additional marriages under the bride's name and birth date.
Lopez arrived in South Florida from Cuba in 2002 and was a legal U.S. resident.
"I can tell you that none of the individuals she married had any type of residency," said Terry Chavez, a spokesman for the Miami-Dade office of the state attorney.
Prosecutors say she charged her husbands an unspecified amount to help them secure immigration status and continued asking the men for money long after the wedding, threatening to expose them if they didn't pay.
Chavez said the state attorney's office began investigating after being tipped off by Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
Lopez was released on $18,000 bond. Her last known address was in Hialeah, just north of Miami. A telephone listing for her could not be located, and it was not known whether she had an attorney.

*****

Newlyweds Skydive to Celebrate
HAZLETON, Pa. (AP) - Talk about taking the plunge. Jeanie Dulski and Jamy Knittle actually took two plunges on Friday: First, they got married at Hazleton Municipal Airport, then they went skydiving.
As Dulski explained it: "Getting married is scarier than jumping out of a plane."
Hazleton Mayor Lou Barletta performed the ceremony on the ground for Dulski and Knittle, both 30. About 45 minutes later, the bride and groom took a plane up to 10,000 feet and leaped out.
It was the second marriage but first skydive for Dulski, who made a tandem jump with an instructor. Knittle, who had skydived once before, jumped separately.
Barletta called it perhaps the most unusual wedding ceremony he has performed.
"I'm sure my wife would like to see me jump out of an airplane without a parachute," he joked.

*****

Merry Christmas? No. Mary Christmas!
AMERICAN FORK, Utah (AP) - Merry Christmas to you, Mary Christmas. That's what the former Mary Young is hearing this holiday season, after she married Brian Christmas earlier this year.
"It was meant to be," Mary Christmas told the Daily Herald of Provo. "God has a sense of humor. What are the chances that it would ever happen?"
She has found, however, that she is not alone. Mary Christmas has been working at Ancestry.com for three years and discovered there are as many as 100 other Mary Christmases in the United States.
The last name of Christmas has its origins in Wales, she said.
"It was given to people that were born on Christmas Day," she said. "Somewhere back there someone of my husband's ancestors was born on Christmas. It is not a super common name."
Christmas said her husband's grandmother, Joy Christmas, once was stopped at a counter at JCPenney, under suspicion for using a phony name.
The name brings compliments.
"For many people, it seems to make them happy. 'You are my favorite,' they tell me. 'I think of your name and it makes me happy,'" Christmas said.
Her husband, Brian, says the best part of her name is that he has Mary Christmas all year long, not just in December.

You’ll Have That Sometimes

This came from Vince, who recently passed away in a tragic freak golf accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Being A Sensitive Man

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Vince. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Vince

====================================

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Vince died suddenly on September 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Vince somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Geno Goes To The Doctor

Geno sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office.

"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the pain you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor replied.

"Hell no, Doc" Geno replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"

Holiday Decorating By Geno

Geno called and told me he finally finished putting up the Christmas lights on his house. I said something about how I've already done mine, and made a wisecrack concerning it taking this long to get one string of lights up.

Guys, when left to their own devices, will put up only one string of lights. But this string has to be some high tech wonder that displays any type of trivial stupidity, thus securing it's place as an 'above average' display. It could blink in time to the crappy music it produces, or have a 'moving lights' effect. Maybe it will change color, or intensity, something other than standard issue lights would do. If it makes people groan with disgust, all the better. Bonus points are awarded if it produces frightened screams from older women and small children. A perfect score would be lights that explode into flames without injuring neighbors and burning down the house. Should the house actually burn down, the flames are required to have appropriate holiday themed colors. Hot dogs and long sticks would be optional, beer should remain mandatory.

I made the obligatory trip over to see what Geno had come up with this year.





He dropped my jaw.





Again.





Man, that's gonna be tough to top!





*


*


*


*


*

In Honor Of Our American Heros...

OFFICIAL VISIT OF LTG SANTA CLAUS

OPERATION ORDER 12-07 FOR:

OFFICIAL VISIT OF LTG SANTA CLAUS

1. An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

e. At initial detection of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-07 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Aquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operators license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Dancer, etc."

2. LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.
FOR THE COMMANDER GOODE, U. B. LTC, OD
Executive Officer

**************************

The Riverbank crew would like to take this opportunity to extend a wish for a Merry Christmas to all of our American Heros, where ever they may be spending their Christmas holiday.

To all of the great men and women who are currently serving, or have in the past served our country and risked everything, including their own lives to help insure our freedom,

Merry Christmas

to all of you

Great American Heros,

and

Thank You So Very Much

for what you are doing, or have done in the past, for all Americans.

Know that we support you, respect you, and appreciate you.

You will not be forgotten.

Freebies

Steamers Coffee of Colorado

Ocean Spray Recipe Book

Heart of the Home fridge magnet

Friskies

Nutrasweet

Head & Shoulders

Hawaii T-shirt

Profilepod T-shirt

Simply Nutrilite Food Bar

Sun Crystals

Dove Hair Care

Nature's Answer®

Gold Bond® Powder