Wussini?

Geno came by on the bike the other day.
It was a crappy day out, weather-wise.
I asked him what was up.
“Let’s go for a ride,” he said.
“The weather sucks. I’m not going anywhere,” I informed him.
“What are you? A Wussini?” he asked me.
“What’s a Wussini?” I replied.
“A Wussini is the Queen of the Wussies,” he answered.
“I’m not a Wussini,” I announced.
“Then go get your bike out!” he enthused.
“The weather sucks,” I came back with.
“Wussini!” he proclaimed.
“I’m not a Wussini,” I demanded.
“Wussini!”
“Stop calling me that!”
“Wussini!”
“Do you actually think that if you keep saying that, I’m gonna change my mind about riding in crappy weather and just go get my bike out?”
“Wussini!”
“I’ll go get my bike out.”
.
.
And so it went again with Geno.
.
Let’s see, that makes it;
GENO - 25,000,21
TRAMP - ZERO
.
But I’m gonna keep trying!
No, I don't know why.

Quote

"A friend of mine once told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was gonna ask him why, but I had to shoot him first."

- John Wayne

Question

I’m currently hanging about sipping on a Canuck beer. I’m home now after spending the evening visiting with some old friends, something I don’t do often enough. And I have a question for you, one that a friend asked me tonight. See if you can get it right.
.

How many of each sex of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
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.
.
.
.
.
..
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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The answer is none.
.
Noah had the ark.

Quote

If you've got them by the balls,

their hearts and minds will follow.

- John Wayne

Every Breath You Take

In the news.

.

*****

.

A breath might soon foretell disease
BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) -- U.S. scientists have created a technique that analyzes a person's breath to detect trace compounds that might provide early warning signs of disease.

A team led by Jun Ye, a physicist at JILA -- a joint facility of the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the University of Colorado at Boulder -- demonstrated the optical technique for simultaneously identifying tiny amounts of a broad range of molecules in the breath, potentially enabling a fast, low-cost screening tool for disease.

"It is exciting to imagine the potential of analyzing all major biomarkers in one's breath at once," said Ye. "For example, nitric oxide can indicate asthma but it also appears in breath with many other lung diseases, including chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, cystic fibrosis and bronchiectasis.

"However," he added, "if we simultaneously monitor nitric oxide, carbon monoxide, hydro-peroxide, nitrites, nitrates, pentane and ethane, all important biomarkers for asthma, we can be much more certain for a definitive diagnosis of this important disease."

The research is reported in the journal Optics Express.

Zits. The Game.

Yup.

Some say the universe is SHPANDING.

That comes straight from the Fictionary.

Use these words when you want people to leave you alone!

Quote

"To me, boxing is like a ballet,

except there's no music, no choreography,

and the dancers hit each other."

- Jack Handey

What You Make It

From TZ.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I recently picked a new doctor.

After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a shit?"

Lie Detector

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John was a sales clerk's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?," they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector; now tell us where you went after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! Moreover, you cannot be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times.

Quote

"A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about their sexuality. The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out tomorrow."

- Cynthia MacGregor

Freebies

Bourbon Street Blend

Quaker Simple Harvest

Amazon Tea

Teddy Grahams

Romano's Macaroni Grill

Wood Skull Auto Air Freshener

Armor All

Buell Hydration Pack

A Bad Influence

From Trev.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs? "
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. "

Morris and Sherry were married for five years and sex was becoming routine and boring.
"Look," said Morris , "if you don't put some more action into it in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some strange stuff."
"Listen, Romeo," said Sherry , "if you could somehow manage just a teensy inch or two more, you'd be into some strange stuff right here!"

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like crap."

The Texan, seated in the hotel cocktail lounge, beckoned the waitress back and said, "May I have a piece of ass?"
"Lord!" She said astonished. "That's gotta be the most direct proposition I've ever had in my life. But why not? Let's go on up to your room."
When they returned, she said, "And now sir, will there be anything else?"
"Yeah, lil' Lady." the cowboy replied. "I still need ah piece of ass for mah drink."

Quote, And I Don't Doubt It

"On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services in Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave a 60 minute sermon on adultery. Here is the really embarrassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal."

- Jay Leno

The Sign

From Irene.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said:
'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A police officer, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they would either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that is a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

Therefore, the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50."

ROCK TRIVIA

Despite all of the hits that they've had, The Who have never had a number one record in the UK or the US.

Alice Cooper was once elected Homecoming Queen for the University Of Houston.

While playing in front of a large lake at the Crystal Palace Bowl in London in 1970, Pink Floyd played so loud, a number of fish were killed.

Axl Rose of Guns N' Roses married Erin Everly, Don Everly's daughter. The marriage lasted 27 days.

Eric Clapton was born to an unwed mother and to shield him from the shame, Eric grew up believing that his grandparents were his parents and his mother was his sister.

Grand Funk Railroad took their name from a Michigan landmark, "The Grand Trunk Railroad".

Jimi Hendrix was thrown out of high school for holding the hand of a white girl in class.

Gene Simmons of KISS is a former elementary school teacher.

The Electric Light Orchestra has had twenty Top 40 Hits, but have never had a number one record.

Sonny and Cher were initially known as Caesar and Cleo.

Throughout their career, Ringo received far more fan mail than any of the other Beatles.

Fleetwood Mac's former guitarist, Lindsay Buckingham has a brother named Greg who won a gold medal at the 1968 Olympics in Mexico City.

Bobby Hatfield of The Righteous Brothers, who died of a cocaine overdose, once had a tryout with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

In 1958, the Esso Research Center reported that "tuning in rock & roll music on a car radio can cost a motorist money, because the rhythm can cause a driver to unconsciously jiggle the gas pedal, thus wasting fuel."

SOURCE : The Bone

Taxes

Man tracked down for 51-cent tax bill
BRIGHTON, Mich. (UPI) -- A Michigan doctor says he found it funny the city of Brighton sent him a "final notice and demand of payment" for 51 cents in property taxes. Dr. Phil Kazanji said he chuckled at a notice from the city that said legal action would be taken against him if he didn't fork over 51 cents in delinquent taxes. "This is the most ridiculous thing a government agency would do," Kazanji told the Livingston County (Mich.) Daily Press & Argus. Kazanji added that the city actually lost money by spending $5.21 to mail the certified letter. Brighton officials said they are required by law to fine delinquent tax payers, regardless of the amount they owe. "No matter how small, we can't ignore it or waive it," city finance director Dave Gajda said. "It doesn't matter how much we spend to collect (delinquent taxes), we have to collect it."

Indiana Jones and the Veggie of Doom

Bob Basler, from Oddly Enough, sent me a great picture of Indy, I mean Harrison Ford.

Check it out at his site, here.

You'll love this one.

Thanks, Bob!

Realistic Internet Simulator

Kill The Popups

From B3TA.

Quote

"This is a true story. Only the facts have been changed." - Frank Zappa

Talkin' Shit

For Sweet.

*****

Dog Poo Grenade
Once while out walking with my dog he stopped, as dogs tend to do and curled out the biggest, foul smelling shite that I've ever seen. The fucker pretty much filled the plastic bag I shovelled it into. With no turd bin in sight I ended up carrying it around with me for most of the walk. Going across a playing field he decides he wants to run around like a lunatic and be a general annoyance...cue me running around trying to put him on his lead before he upsets someone...he's not violent, just way too friendly for his own good. A bunch of the local chav brigade were gathered in one corner drinking and on spotting my labrador generally enjoying life they decided to start chucking rocks at him. Without a second though I launched the plastic bag full of shit through the air at them. The smelly missile flew through the air, hitting one of the group square in the chest, bursting on impact. The sight was funny for about 20 seconds until I had to sprint back home with hound in tow as they did the natural thing and chased us. A dangerous game to play but if you mess with my dog then I tend to get quite protective. -Manuel the Bandito

*****

Read this and many more poo stories at B3TA.

Carrie Is Stuck On You

Okay, let's try this again.

From Carrie.

Click here.

It's a far sight better than many people I know who are stuck on stupid!

That's Refreshing

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~

Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.
-Thomas Jefferson .

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
8. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
9. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?
10. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
13. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
14. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
Eleventy Five. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
16. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
17. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
18. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
19. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
20. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
21. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
22. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
23. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
24. It is better to be in court for protecting yourself with a gun than to be in a coffin for not.

Amen

From Bobby.

These kids need to wise up.
When the school tries to sell them a lunch, they should tell them they can't pay because their money mentions God!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned, a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer.

I liked it.

*****

New Pledge of Allegiance!

.

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

.
If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,

We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd.

.

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!

.

Amen

Carrie Is Stuck On You

From Carrie.

Click on the title.

It's a far sight better than many people I know who are stuck on stupid!

Gas Myths

I've covered this before, but this guy did a better job.

A New Holiday

Tomorrow is a new Holiday. It is loosely based on Mother's Day, in name only, not in principal. It comes one week after Mother's Day.

A board of fifteen voted unanimously in it's favor. The fifteen voters were myself, Bobby, Stewart, and twelve beers.

This Holiday is designed to let certain people in your life know exactly how you feel about them. If you have had the opportunity to meet anyone who qualifies as a jerk, an asswipe, a shitstain, or any of the other closely related descriptions, tomorrow is their day.

Give them a call and wish them a
.
.
.
.
.

HAPPY

MOTHERFUCKERS

DAY!

New TV Dinners From Microsoft!

.

.

Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min 50%heat

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start.
The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

CREDITS

Article: e-cookbooks.net

Image: Tramp

Okay, Here's The Deal...

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

.

.

Gone Fishin'

From Corrine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Look at what the British Coast Guard caught running drugs

across the English Channel from mainland Europe.
A REAL BASS BOAT!

.

.

2,000 HP Outboard Inflatable...

Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe.
This thing raced across the English Channel 3 times per week

and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard.

They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft,

they brought in a special high-speed helicopter to chase it.

Drugs were found on board.

You'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this thing!

Space

From Alrad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SPACE STATION

These are just in from the current (just landed) space mission. These pixs are so good that it makes one feel as if you are there taking the pictures.

Enjoy, these are amazing.

A friend's granddaughter who works for NASA sent us these pictures - I am assuming the last picture is Hurricane Dean - I am going to drop her a note to make sure.

Pictures from the past mission.

.

.

There's A Reason

From Carrie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
.

How To Sing The Blues

From Carl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most Blues begin "woke up this morning."
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away: I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town.
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; isn’t no way out.
A man with male pattern baldness isn’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.
You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass.
Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the Blues isn’t never had much a chance for education.
It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight. Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.
If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.

Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning."

Tough Question, Good Answer

This comes from an Australian advice column called 'Ask Bossy', written by Kate de Brito.

How would you answer this guy?

My answer is at the bottom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I plan to travel until my money runs out, then kill myself.
Kate de Brito
Monday, May 12, 2008 at 08:02am

Dear Bossy: Can you or your readers perhaps, explain to me why suicide (or as I prefer to call it, the right to Exit) is wrong?? As an intelligent person with rights, understanding and the skills of reasoning why is it considered wrong that I should decide for myself my time to leave this mortal realm? Why do we as a society, shun the idea that a person has the right to make that decision and prefer to embrace the idea that we MUST grow old...potentially with disease and regret and then die. Does this somehow make me more worthy? Let me explain a very simple calculation I did. I am currently 40 and in pretty reasonable health. I earn a good wage and I have some good investments. One major issue I have in life is that I hate my job...I don’t like my work. I only continue to work because...well..that’s what we have been taught to do...work hard for our retirement. The one passion I live for is travel. It’s the only major thing in life I enjoy. Now...I have calculated that if I travel for 4 weeks a year, up to the age of 80 (assuming I can only take 4 weeks due to funds), I will be able to travel a total of just over 3 years. Now...here is the clincher...if I were to cash in my investments (about $800k) and totally indulge my passion for travel without any worry of retirement and what the future might bring I could travel for at least 10 years..and that’s spending a pleasurable $80k per year....I could travel longer obviously if I spend a little less. At the end, when there is no more money...nothing for a good retirement..I would simply Exit my life. Totally my choice. And totally having lived a wonderful experience that so few would ever experience. So....a very serious question to everyone...and putting religion aside...what really is the incentive to go on? As a person who will never have untold riches or fame, doesn’t want kids and has to work for every cent..like most..in a job I don’t like...and only then to retire...that’s what we are working for after all..comfort in our older lives......what is the point? Why as a society do we find the choice of leaving life so incredibly wrong? Bossy? Anyone?

Brant

Bossy says: Wow, full credit to you Brant, you’ve really nutted this problem out. You hate your job and love to travel so of course the logical conclusion is quit, see the world, then top yourself....It seems to me there could be a number of other solutions to your problem that do not require you ending your life. There are also a few potential obstacles to your great escape. I wondered, for a start, what would happen if you fell in love and met someone worth sticking around for. Would you simply abort the plan and go on the dole or carry on because there was no money left in the bank?I also think you have probably greatly underestimated the human will to live, in your planning. While it seems like a top idea now, in theory, I think carrying it through might be a little harder. It’s usually only the most saddened, desperate and despairing individuals who take their own life and occurs when people find they no longer have the resources to cope with the pain in their life. That’s not you.I think the reason so many people are opposed to suicide is because it taps at their natural instinct to survive. We rail against the idea of dying and while we reluctantly accept that people will be taken by illness, accident, or old age, we shudder at the idea they will choose to die. People also view suicide as a selfish act that fails to take into account the grief of those left behind. While it appears you have no dependents or partner, you no doubt have friends and family who will be left deeply saddened by your passing. I wonder how you’ve rationalized that. Philosophers have had a lot to say on the subject of suicide. Plato believed it could be forgiven under some circumstances but mostly it was an act of cowardice undertaken by someone too delicate to manage life’s ups and downs. Others argue a man or woman should have the freedom to choose what he/she does with their own life. I guess if it can be argued a woman has the right to terminate a pregnancy because it her own body, it could also be argued a person has the right to suicide because it is their body. Many arguments against suicide stem from the fact that the people contemplating it are usually in a state of deep depression or despair. They are seen to be not in control of their faculties at the time or not able to make a proper decision. People oppose their suicide because they believe that when “well” they would not make the decision. You however seem of sound mind and appear to be making a logical case for ending your life when you are finished living it. I guess my argument with you would not just be that you may feel differently when the time comes, but whether there aren’t other ways to ensure a better life that goes on longer? You need not be chained to a job you hate. You could quit now and fund your travel for a time, working as you go, settling briefly in countries around the world to experience the culture and gather the resources for your next leg of travel. I worry that you are limiting yourself when considering the potential for your life. I wonder whether you often view life like this, through fairly narrow parameters - whether you are a black and white kind of guy? I’ve founds really cracking article on the philosophy of suicide that might be worth your while. It will give you a view of the way some great thinkers have viewed the issue, rather than just me and the other bloggers. In the end, you must make this decision. As a budgeting tool it seems rather far-fetched to me, but if you have rationally considered it and do so in the right frame of mind and are committed to this plan then I imagine there’s very little anyone can do to stop you.

Happy travels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is my answer.

*****

Dear Brant,

There is quite a bit more to life than just travelling.

You say you are intelligent.

I say you have a lot of learning to do.

Tramp

It's The Law

Real laws. Really.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
(Until the next date with her)

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
(I’m guessing they have quite a few lawbreaking women there)

In the state of Washington, there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).
(But... Never mind, I’ll just send in Geno. He just got back from the Islands. Before he went, they were called the Virgin Islands)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
(That can’t be right. I heard they have many fuck-ups)

In Florida, it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
(So, if a woman falls from the sky, don’t hit on her)

In Ames Iowa, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
(Given the situation, why would he want beer? Or even have time for one?)

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
(Agreed)

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
("C'mon Honey, let’s go to the front yard, here’s a hat!")

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.
(Good one! “Excuse me ma’am, I’m going to have to weigh your clothes. Hand them over, it’s the law.”)

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
(I think that ‘s’ is a typo. It should be ‘nightshirt’)

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
(No one likes a braggart)

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
("Let’s see, it’s lunchtime, that vehicle has curtains... I’ll have what he’s having!")

In Nevada, sex without a condom is considered illegal.
(“Yeah, I’ve got a condom in my wallet; it doesn’t say I have to wear it!”)

In Cleveland, Ohio, women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
(Those are made for men anyway, to reflect up women’s skirts)

In Connersville, Wisconsin, no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
(What about his ‘Love’ gun?)

They Didn't Think This One Through

Here is a freebie that I don't think received enough thought.
Here's the deal.



Most kids I've met don't place 'read a book' very high on their to-do list.
So, to encourage them to read, Barnes & Noble has this offer.

If your kids in grades 1-6 read 8 books between 5/29/08 - 9/2/08, Barnes & Noble will give them...

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Guess.

..
?? .

Go on, guess!

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???

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That's right, Another Book!

You've just read eight books.

Congratulations!

Here's another book!

Wheee!!!

? ? ? ? ?

It is a kind and generous offer on their behalf, but what about ice cream?

Or maybe a Congressional seat?

Q And A

From TZ.

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Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

We Knows Fashion!

Okay, Michael knows fashion.
From Michael.

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Fashion at New Heights - Tips for Short Legged Woman
Now is the time for shorts, and for many women that means taking a swift and tender look in the reflect. The better part of us is not completely happy with how we look, and we spend many hours picking out areas that we long to improve upon. Unfortunately, genetics play a huge roll in body type, and amazingly, you just can’t argue with what nature has to say.
For women with short and wide legs, selecting and buying clothing is a real task. Don’t lose your determination. Looking great is merely a matter of knowing what works for you.

Here are five suggested rules you should follow to help make your legs look vast in everything you choose to wear, from tights and leggings, to skirts and shorts.

· 1 - Buy the Right Size Shirt
· 2 - Don’t be Tempted by Bagging Pants
· 3 - Avoid Light Color Jeans
· 4 - No Horizontal Stripes
· 5 - Avoid Full Length Skirts

Japanese Fashion.

Grimms Fairy Tales Quiz

Question 1: The Grimms both studied:
A: Medicine
B: Law
C: History
D: Science

Question 2: What money were the Grimms featured on in Europe in the late 1990s?
A: Euros
B: Pounds
C: Deutschmarks
D: Francs

Question 3: In the original fairy tales, a second Snow White appears in a story with her sister:
A: Rose Red
B: Sky Blue
C: Moss Green
D: Sun Gold

Question 4: In the original story, the Frog Prince's curse was broken when the princess:
A: Kissed him
B: Gave him food
C: Finally believed he was a prince
D: Threw him against a wall

Question 5: The Grimms also wrote:
A: A German dictionary
B: A travelogue of their trip to France
C: Religious and philosophical works
D: A volume on the origins of their fairy tales

Question 6: The Grimms protested the abolition of their current German:
A: Monarchy
B: Constitution
C: Legal system
D: Import/export standards

Question 7: The first version of a Cinderella story appeared in:
A: England
B: France
C: China
D: India

Question 8: In the original version of their story, which hero(es) did not survive?
A: Hansel and Gretel
B: Red Riding Hood
C: Sleeping Beauty
D: Snow White

Question 9: Which fairy tale is believed to have some basis in historical fact?
A: Cinderella
B: Hansel and Gretel
C: The Pied Piper
D: Red Riding Hood

Question 10: Who directed the recent film based loosely on the life of the Brothers Grimm?
A: Tim Burton
B: Ron Howard
C: Quentin Tarantino
D: Terry Gilliam



Answers

Question 1: The Grimms both studied:
B: Law

Question 2: What money were the Grimms featured on in Europe in the late 1990s?
C: Deutschmarks

Question 3: In the original fairy tales, a second Snow White appears in a story with her sister:
A: Rose Red

Question 4: In the original story, the Frog Prince's curse was broken when the princess:
D: Threw him against a wall

Question 5: The Grimms also wrote:
A: A German dictionary

Question 6: The Grimms protested the abolition of their current German:
B: Constitution

Question 7: The first version of a Cinderella story appeared in:
C: China

Question 8: In the original version of their story, which hero(es) did not survive?
B: Red Riding Hood

Question 9: Which fairy tale is believed to have some basis in historical fact?
C: The Pied Piper

Question 10: Who directed the recent film based loosely on the life of the Brothers Grimm?
D: Terry Gilliam

Joel's Kittens

From my friend Joel Veitch, for Krista.

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White Stripe Kittens

Vines Kittens

Mclusky Kittens

Electric Six Kittens

Elbow Kittens


See all of Joel's stuff at his site, Rathergood.

A Mothers Day Treat

For Mothers Day,

here, singing 'Treat Your Mother Right', is Mr. T.

Happy Moms Day

HAPPY

MOTHERS

DAY

From the Riverbank Crew.

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Freebies

Dunkin Donuts Coffee This is a free second sample for those who already received one.



Free CFL (Compact Fluorescent Lamp) Light Bulb Promo Code: EARNRWG



To Go Tea



Del Taco



Quaker Simple Harvest

Quote

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."

-Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

Save Gasoline

From Corrine.

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Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use...

The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down...

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle, and some ammo and ship him to Iraq...

Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country...

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot...

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves...

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo... Problem solved...

$600.00

From Lil Sis Colleen.
As for me, I always buy American.

Yes, I do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.
- If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
- If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs.
- If we purchase a computer, it will go to India.
- If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
- If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan.
- If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan...

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and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA.

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Thank you for your help & please support the US.

Quote

"You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." --George W. Bush

Memorial Day Air Show from Jones Beach, NY

Some great pics from Corrine.

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Memorial Day Air Show from Jones Beach , NY
If you like military aircraft, you will like these pictures; if not, you will still enjoy the scenery of Manhatten and Long Island below! The clarity of the photos is phenomenal!

Even without the aircraft, these are some of the best shots of NYC and the Statue of Liberty you'll ever see.
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Thanks To ALL Who Served And Are Serving.

Please Pray For Our Troops And Leaders.

God Bless America. Land That I Love